…and horribly behind again! Dammit. Lackluster today.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8915734/1/The-Duty-of-Sigilyph
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ It was one of my ancestors, on patrol, having found a young male human, of about thirty six months, injured and crying. ]
You’re overusing commas.
[“Sandile. Sand.” (Sir, a human has been spotted in the desert. Your presence is requested in sector twenty three.)]
If you’re going to do translations, it’s a good idea not to have them horribly mismatched like this. If you don’t want to write “sandile sand” enough times to look plausible, then skip the pokemon speech and just show the translation.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Sector twenty three is a section of the desert very rarely visited by humans, many of which are either lost or dehydrated ]
Rarely to many is very awkward wording. “and those who do are usually” would be a better transition.
Your paragraphing also needs work. New subject means new paragraph.
Plotwise, this is pretty meh. You have an explanation for why they’re behaving like this, but you don’t really give it any emotion or development. They made a promise, okay. So, why do they still want to honor it? You have something of that in the memories bit, but not why it appears to only apply to this one subject, and you don’t really expand on how something like that would work.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8915745/1/Deathly-Blood
Poorly written and OOC.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8916743/1/Pokemon-Legends-Project-X-CAPE
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Something to flash all of MORGAN’s funders. ]
Flash?
[ time to spent with your own Pokemon ]
Firstly, I think you mean “spend”. Second, so if I’m following, the successful experiments who presumably have pokemon abilities are allowed to also have their pokemon with them? Why hasn’t there been a breakout yet?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8916744/1/Low-Card
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
How’d Stevie last this long if he’s too dumb not to keep shouting about how he recognizes someone and how no one’s following them and so on? Even if he were right initially, he quickly makes a huge scene.
And if they’re both members, why doesn’t the mysterious trenchcoat shooter shoot him as well?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8916917/1/The-Children-of-Jirachi-Leo-s-Tale
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Human Pokémon are half Pokémon and half Human. They have the mind of a Human, are better in everything than normal Pokémon and are hated by most of the normal Pokémon. ]
So, why haven’t they wiped out humans and pokemon by now if they’re unquestionably superior?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.
[“So, you have a Human Pokémon too, huh? She evolved recently, didn’t she? Just give her three days to adjust. Hey, thereisatournamentonHimitsuI slandit’sforHumanPokémonandyoucouldp articipatewithyourUmbreonI’mtheretooandihopewewillmeeta gainandthatwecouldfightagain steachother ]
So they still obey humans despite being exactly like humans mentally, because…?
Also wow that is some poor plotting. Right after she evolves, someone who knows exactly what she is happens to pop up, explain the bare minimum and then run off?
[ I always wished, that I would find someone to talk to. Is she the answer to my wish? Maybe Arceus heard me. But is he powerful enough to do something like that? And how much of a human is Shade? Can she get pregnant? ]
The fact your character goes right from “maybe she can talk” to “can I knock her up?” makes him look horrible.
Are there any of these that aren’t horrible combinations of slavery and pedophilia?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917064/1/The-Beast-of-the-Sea
[His life, as short as it had been, could be described as fascinating, to an unborn child, that is. ]
This is why it’s important to revise. I can tell what you’re trying to do, which is set up a reversal, but instead it comes off like you’re changing your mind. “His life could be described as fascinating, but only to an unborn child.” for example, reads a bit smoother. It’s still not particularly well connected to rest – it’d be much better to point out he found it fascinating because he was an unborn child rather than talking in general.
[ He didn’t know; he just knew there were. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Your comma use is little better. Get a beta reader.
[He knew he couldn’t move but maybe he could try again, this feeling was completely different from any of his past experiences, he couldn’t let his past failures stop him. He tried moving any limbs he could possibly have, and surprisingly, he felt the barrier bend! This was his chance! He focused all his energy on a single point, and with a mighty push, he broke through the wall, the shell, what kept him trapped for so long! He was free! ]
Generally, animals get out of eggs by using their mouths to make a hole, then breaking enough around to let the egg split open.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[She was sure she had seen all the species of Pokémon that lived on the planet during her travels, so imagine her surprise when a group of Sentret ran up to where she had landed to rest and showed her an egg she couldn’t recognize. ]
Okay, but then where did they get it from? That seems like the first thing she’d ask.
[She was further shocked, or rather, fascinated when the little thing hatched after a Heal Bell was used on him, he wasn’t injured but it sped up the process, he was certainly cute. ]
Doesn’t make sense that a status curing move would speed hatching, and why would anyone need to mention he wasn’t injured when no one would expect that from heal bell? If you want something that could hurt or speed up things, softboiled seems a better move.
[She wondered about the fate of the little baby in front of her, he obviously was one of the first, if not THE first of his species ]
The chicken and egg problem raises its head here. She knows he’s different, but why does that mean he’s a new species rather than that she missed one? I realize she thinks she’s seen all of them, but what makes her think species spontaneously generating is more likely?
[General POV]
Look, it’s bad enough you’re switching between Lugia and Ho-oh so fast. At least that’s necessary. This absolutely isn’t, all of it would make sense from Ho-oh’s POV instead.
[TIMESKIP: 5 YEARS AFTER LUGIA’S BIRTH]
You’re really rushing and it’s making your story choppy.
[TIMESKIP: NEXT DAY]
No. Learn to write proper transitions like everyone else.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ atleast of the idea of various different origins for the Legendary Pokémon. ]
Your author’s notes need to be spellchecked just like anything else. Also, you’re not really giving Lugia a different origin so much as dodging the issue entirely – instead of saying the egg appears because he was created, the egg appears because who knows.
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917196/1/Age-of-Plasma
Don’t center all your text, it’s really annoying.
[It was not Professor Juniper who faded onto the screen out of the blackness.
Black and White faded into existence on the little screen. Kelly felt her brow furrow and she sat up, examining the sprites. Neither sprite looked happy, in fact, Kelly could make out bruises and scratches on each of them.]
This is melodrama out of one of the poorer creepypastas. The initial weirdness from the game should be minimal, particularly in regards to altered images, because the sprites obviously aren’t the actual people unless when she gets there she sees giant eyed two dimensional anime people everywhere. Weird questions in text form are really the better option.
[One, however, left her confused. She had never used these three Pokemon before, though Kelly’s breath quickened as she realized that they were all of the very type she had intended to capture and train exclusively this go around. She hesitated before she selected this group, wondering just what she was getting into. ]
This is a very weird choice and smacks of suedom taking precedence over story. Pokemon Black in particular hammers in the friendship message, yet you have her passing over all her former pokemon, who she each deleted in order to restart, to pick new pokemon she has no attachment to and only intended to raise based on type. It seems like it’s really just a matter of you wanting her to be able to raise new pokemon, not something that makes much sense for someone who’s supposed to help people in the pokemon world.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ It was hard to make them out in the dim lighting but she could make out the form of a Vullaby, a Pawniard and a Deino. ]
…and naturally the team she was planning on happens to be a rather sueish one as well. Those previous teams you referenced would have been the far better and more original choice.
[The Pokemon launched himself off the ground with surprising speed and power, smashing his hard head into Kelly’s jaw.]
This is a pleasing ending, though. Perhaps Kelly’s terrible decision will actually be treated as terrible?
There need to be more good Chosen One subversions. All people seem to write when they’re willing to try it at all is the humor flavors.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917196/2/Age-of-Plasma
[“Uhm, yeah, so my name’s Kelly; who might you be? ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Well, at least she’s trying to explain what happened for once, instead of deciding to keep it a secret.
[“Templars…?” Caitlin yawned, swiping at the tears in her eyes.
“Oh, what you don’t have those here?” Searching the faces of those around her Kelly heaved a sigh before she closed her eyes, shaking her head. “Fuck, I stepped in it…]
Or not. If she’s going with the claim she mysteriously woke up there with unknown pokemon, why avoid the other world half? It’s not like it’s particularly less believable than the rest, and at least it gives a alternative explanation for what happened than that she’s a spy who can’t think up an excuse for being caught.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917196/3/Age-of-Plasma
Well, at least that’s done with.
[lly bit her lip before she said “You’re all apart of a video game where I come from and I don’t mean that you’re all super famous and just so happen to star in a game, either. I mean, your world, the Pokemon, your personalities – everything was scripted and fleshed out by people for marketing and entertainment.”
With that she smiled sardonically]
Although she’s really not even trying to sound reasonable here. This isn’t how someone would sound trying to explain something unbelievable is true, it’s more like she’s trying to make her story sound as impossible as she can – which, in turn, does your own story no favors, to emphasize how little it makes sense for a crossover like this to work.
[The woman that they had stumbled upon was a rather strange one. Even stranger was when Reuniclus could detect no lies from her wild story. ]
But as she herself points out, that just means they should think she’s crazy. You don’t have anything here about psychics normally being able to detect that as well, and they need to be able to rule out both options before they face up to the idea it’s the truth.
And she really isn’t talking like she’s sane. The story being set in a universe where Plasma won is nice, but the fact her game doesn’t match their reality on the one point a trainer is most likely to wish never happened makes it sound like she’s just got some particularly insane type of denial, and she certainly doesn’t come off as balanced when she tells it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917196/4/Age-of-Plasma
Nice to see her pokemon’s lack of respect for her when she’s apparently just a stranger to them, but disappointing to see it looks like it’ll be glossed over. The pokemon having their own thoughts and opinions is one of the things really lacking from the game, so I’d expect a person from our world to have more of a reaction to it. And this is dodging the issue that they really have no reason to want to obey her – by appearances, she didn’t even capture them, and she’s showing no signs she knows anything about being a trainer either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917450/1/Dawn-after-unova
Names always need capital letters, not just when you feel like it.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917455/1/Pokemon-Universe
Nonstory chapters continue to be against the site rules.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917455/2/Pokemon-Universe
Space your writing properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ it’s Pokeball. ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Your description is incredibly lackluster and you seem to be mostly telling the story by having characters talk about what’s going on rather than focusing on writing directly about what’s going on. This is a particularly bad problem when it’s a battle scene you’re writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8917628/1/The-Ketchum-Inheritance
This seems completely OOC. If you want to write about medieval times with pokemon, sure, but you’re not developing these characters as your own and certainly aren’t paying attention to who they are in canon, so it’s impossible to care about what happens with them. And you don’t seem to have any interest in developing your setting, which makes your desire to write a story in an unusual setting rather odd.
Eight.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918003/1/Dark-void
Capitalize your title properly.
[Sorry its not team school but I have other stories I wanna wright to]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Titles are capitalized.
Write is the thing I’m doing now, right is the way opposite of left, and wright is another word for someone that makes something.
When the first line I see before I even get to your story has this many problems, it’s not good.
[ I’m a cold ]
And the story is not much better. I think you shouldn’t have that “a” there.
[She changed everything; she awoke the humans under my curse letting them rejoice in celebration. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[She asked why, why was I attacked the humans. ]
Just “why I attacked”. Proofread and get a beta reader.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918158/1/Abandoned-Innocence
[prolouge ]
Spellcheck.
[I am open for criticism; feel free to comment how I can fix some things. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[“Mom! Dad! Wake up! Wake up!” the little girl exclaimed. She was excited because today was the day she could choose her first pokemon. She rushed her parents because the girl was afraid to show up late. ]
The last sentence isn’t saying anything new.
You’re jumping between past and present tense. Proofread better.
You shouldn’t open your story with paragraph upon paragraph summarizing your character’s life and personality. Show her house if it matters they’re supposed to be poor and show her personality instead of telling people what it is.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[a Charmander ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Look, most people in the anime and games don’t have a starter pokemon from a professor. If she doesn’t get one and her friends do, why doesn’t she just ask them to catch her a pokemon? It’s really best to do something other than the cliché late-for-pokemon thing if you want her to meet up with a pokemon rather than have one handed to her – for example, she could meet up before the designated day to hand out pokemon.
None.