In which sociopathy is popular.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918298/1/The-Legend-of-the-Gray-Hero
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.
[ Like his ten-year old, Orange was a rather skinny boy of the same age ]
I think you mean “ten-year-old friend”.
And he can understand pokemon, because, despite somehow never noticing it before now. And the sudden awareness pokemon are apparently just as intelligent as people has no impact on anything. And it definitely doesn’t make him think twice about cooking pokemon eggs he found in the forest.
[ Mason called out his last Pokémon, a Treecko, and the gang began feasting on the eggs; biting and chomping on them like delicacies. ]
And neither do the pokemon themselves seem to have any misgivings about eating the unborn.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[They tore away at the white, hard-boiled yolk ]
The yolk is the part that isn’t the white.
[ “Oh quit complaining; we got our good fill in.” ]
What?
[“What in the Darkrai was that?!” ]
If you’re going to substitute pokemon into familiar phrases, do it properly. “What in the name of Darkrai” is understandable. “What in the Darkrai” is not.
[clanged ]
Clung.
[As the beast rose up its entire body, ]
Seriously, your sentence structure is just horrible. Get a beta reader.
[“Druddigon!” he suddenly yelled. “I recently found out I have the ability to telepathically communicate with Pokémon! My name is Orange de Viridian Grove and this is Mason Cleet. We wish to cause you no harm; let us know of your quarrel with us.” ]
His telepathic ability really shouldn’t be needed for this. Pokemon can already understand humans, and it shouldn’t be that hard to work out the pokemon’s problem from there, particularly when it’s that obvious.
[“Eggs…” he said to himself and studied their color. Then he looked up at the angry beast, whose skin was dark blue, the same exact color of the egg shells. What much he was able to gather then nearly made him throw up. He could barely breathe, let alone stand the sight of his own self and Mason as he turned around and looked his best friend in the eye.
“Whoa, dude, what’s wrong?” Mason asked.
Orange tried to summon the courage to talk, but his lips wouldn’t open and his tongue was as dry as the ground from a Groudon’s Drought. “Mason…” he choked back his tears. “We just ate her eggs… Those were her eggs…]
And if they were someone else’s eggs it’d have been fine? This doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. They were eggs, they had to come from someone.
[Those were her children. Annnnnd you just crapped out her child’s remains…” he pointed out.
Mason bent over and threw up in the bushes nearby.
“Annnnd you just puked the rest of it up.” Orange turned his attention back to Druddigon. “Druddigon, please, we are so, so sorry. We didn’t know!”]
“And I for one don’t care enough to not be casually commenting on what end they’re coming out of my friend, but don’t eat me anyway!” He’s an amazingly terrible person.
[“Then I am sorry. I am so, so sorry, but you have now brought this upon yourself.” The tone of Orange’s voice was cold, angry, and scary. He looked up at Pichu and yelled “Now, Pichu! Use Iron Tail!”
Pichu’s tail turned into pure iron as she began jumping from branch to branch, smacking them until the broke apart from the tree and fell on the large beast. The beast came tumbling down along with the large branches with her face sticking out from underneath the pile, her body completely broken and her face and head all bloody.
Orange sniffed and wiped his nose. “I really didn’t want to do that…” He said quietly to himself. He turned around began walking towards Mason.
{P- Please, help me…}
But Orange continued walking and ignored the pleas of Druddigon.
{Please, help me… S- Spare me… Spare me, please…}
Suddenly, Orange stopped dead in his tracks and turned around, his eyes filled with a storm of rage. “You’ve got some nerve! Have mercy?! Oh why? Because now you’re clinging to the edge of life! You nearly killed my best friend, my Pichu, and his Pokémon and you’re asking me for mercy? How dare you even think about something like that!” Orange turned back around, angrier than ever and appalled at Druddigon’s request. ]
Well then. This is awful beyond my ability to describe.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918350/1/Breakout
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ deciding to watch the 2004 hit of “Dawn of the Dead”; a movie focusing on a zombie outbreak that ravages across the whole world, and focuses on a group’s story of their survival from the attack. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“You can’t do this to us!” “We demand a room!” “Give us sanctuary!” The yells and screams buzzed commotion around the hotel campus grounds. The whole group looked on the scene, trying to find someway to get in the building. Misty was both shocked and confused as to what was going on in front of their hotel.
“Come on, Misty!” Ash spoke, running towards one of the side doors with Brock. Misty ran behind the two, soon catching up to them. Some of the rioters noticed the trio and started running after them, believing that they stayed at the hotel and that they could let them in. Ash, Misty, and Brock reached the side door to the hotel, quickly swiping their hotel key-cards in the slot and bolted inside before any of the rioting civilians could get in behind them. The three slipped in the door and closed it before the people arrived, who started banging on the glass.
“Let us in!” ” Help us!” “Please, take us in!”]
So they’ve suddenly become sociopaths. They have no idea what’s wrong or why the people want in, but haven’t any interest in even asking, let alone trying to help. I hope this is one of those zombie stories that ends with them all dying as they evidently deserve.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918350/2/Breakout
[“Wait, did you say it could be a disease?” Brock repeated, feeling the fact both horrifically strange and unbelievable to him.
“That’s right, a disease seems to be the cause of this infection breakout,” the worker replied, “From what I can be able to gather, this disease is not airborne, but it spreads from the usual contact that is normally seen… which is by blood-to-blood contact or by sharing saliva… or at least that is what we have noticed thus far..” ]
I realize this is a common issue in zombie stories, but it doesn’t make the plot hole any less of one. Diseases that spread by blood and saliva are not ones that have huge outbreaks, because those are really slow methods of transmission. You’d have been better off taking your cue from the original Dawn of the Dead rather than the terrible remake. Even then, in a society that already knows about zombies and isn’t getting blindsided by the walking dead, they should be relatively easy to contain even before getting into the fact people have pokemon for defense.
Speaking of which, the characters continue to be terrible people with no concern for others let alone a desire to help.
[Misty closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in, and opening her eyes. “I think it’s safe to stay here… whatever makes us the most safe… I’m just so scared..” she exclaimed, closing her eyes and putting her head in her arms. ]
Also for god’s sake stop writing this with Misty being a trembling flower the boys have to protect.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918367/1/The-Fate-of-Fiore
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918464/1/Pokemon-Global-Adventures
A paragraph is not a chapter. Also, this isn’t a prologue, it’s a summary of your story and not even a good one, given most of the summary is just regurgitating the fact pokemon exist and people raise them.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918481/1/Read-Between-the-Lines
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[They are made when a human’s genes are combined with a Pokemon, which after rigorous experiments, mutate both the human and the Pokemon into Pokemorphs. ]
Combining genes isn’t done by smushing two creatures together. Putting human genes into a pokemon would only mutate the pokemon, and putting pokemon genes in a human would only mutate the human. You would never be mutating “both”.
[Naturally, this was considered evil and inhumane ]
No, that actually doesn’t follow in the least. If it is incredibly painful to do, it would be considered inhumane. If there was a 90% death rate when attempting it, it would be considered inhumane. But having the words “gene” and “mutate” does not make things evil.
[Pokemorphs have a strange personality. They have a dominant and a dormant mindset. The dominant mindset is the human’s personality mixed with the Pokemon’s. The dormant personality is two of the intense emotions of the human and the Pokemon; one of the human, one of the Pokemon. They awaken when the Pokemorph is in a dangerous situation. As you can see, the Pokemorph has equally split emotions, and ergo, the Pokemorph can not get full liking form neither human nor Pokemon. They can of course, still be friends, but will never be more than that. ]
This does not make the slightest bit of sense. If you’re sticking genes into a person, you aren’t also shoving the personality of the genetic donor in there. Nor would they have two separate subconsciousnesses. You’d just get a person with pokemon instincts and tendencies or a pokemon with human instincts and tendencies. If you want this sort of freakish merge, say they’re making pokemorphs by using teleporters to mix pokemon and humans together. And regardless, having a weird subconscious does not mean no other type of person can ever be truly close to them.
If pokemon age half as fast as humans, then no, pokemorphs should not be aging half again as fast. Don’t make them even more of a sue than they already are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918481/4/Read-Between-the-Lines
Your chapters are far too short and aren’t really going anywhere. The characters seem like flat puppets just obeying your whim. This chapter is the worst about that – they all decide to have each other name them? No concern about what their name is, or how they know about names but not their own, and not a single one disagrees and wants to pick their own name? That’s not how people are. If you want to get to them having names immediately, just say they remember their first name. If you want to make a point that they don’t, have them refer to each other by what pokemon they are at first instead.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918801/1/The-Powers-of-A-Pokemon
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Let me go. Let me go or else I’ll scream.” Haley threatened. ]
She’s a trainer with pokemon. She should be able to defend herself with more than threats of screaming.
[Were in ]
We’re. Short for “we are”.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918801/2/The-Powers-of-A-Pokemon
[“A pokemon battle just to get to me?” Haley replied. “That’s just pathetic.”]
Yes, it really is a terrible plot. He grabs her then lets her go so he can challenge her to a battle so he can capture her? How does that sequence make sense?
Your description here is terrible. Focus more on the narration. You’re relying on dialogue to do all the work.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918844/1/Of-Gods-and-Pokemon
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Justice had been dealt and Arceus was soon forced into slumber, with the promise of another end of the human race should they ever arise again. ]
He just wiped them out, why would he expect that he’d need to promise to do it again when they’re all dead? Who was he even promising to?
[And as its duty to give life to the Earth, it created men from the Lucarios and women from the Gardevoirs. ]
Lucario and gardevoir are already alive, so why would it need to create humans?
[, the Jewel and divided itself into five new Lords of life. ]
what?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918844/2/Of-Gods-and-Pokemon
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8918844/3/Of-Gods-and-Pokemon
You should not be starting every paragraph or two with [CHARACTER POV:] If you want to switch between characters, use third person, and even then, do it less often. This isn’t adding anything.
Eight.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8919694/1/Pok%C3%A9natural
Huh. I like your character, particularly their willingness to help out the poor spoink. I found the bit after they think they found the pearl rather hard to follow, though – the slugma just suddenly dies of the egg hatching? And how did the spoink not realize it was carrying around a pokemon egg, wouldn’t those be useless for its attacks?
[As I found out later, it wasn’t uncommon for spoink to pick up pokemon eggs, mistaking them for the stones that amplified their power. ]
This all seems like it’d make more sense if the spoink is just looking for any pearl and mistakes the egg for a good replacement – which actually I suppose it might be, since it’s only the character saying it’s the same one, but the kid and by extension the story both sound rather confident about it.
Blocked!
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8919704/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Real-Game
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
This isn’t particularly creepypasta-y. It’s just Red being mad he’s in a game. It’s too talky for there to be any sense of ominous suspense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8919704/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-Real-Game
You have way too many run-on sentences.
[I didn’t really care that I couldn’t catch Kyurem when I was facing against it when Ghetsis had it under his control. I stopped trying to catch them anyway the only thing I like about the Pokémon games was the story so it didn’t bother me at all, when the credits finished and the classic The End showed up on my screen ]
[I pressed A and it took me to the menu screen I clicked continue like I always do when I finish my games (Cuz I like to save my game myself and see if I could do anything else on it) ]
This does not sound at all like someone who’s a huge fan of the games. Your character seems barely familiar with them, apparently totally unaware that there’d be a chance to capture Kyurem later and acting as if continuing to play the game after the credits is some weird thing and that it’s a matter of poking around to see if there’s anything left to do instead of already being well aware lots of game areas are still unexplored.
[ I instantly knew where this was going and I wanted to switch it off but because I didn’t want to damage my 3DS I kept it on. ]
They don’t seem to understand how handheld games work in general, either.
[so I began to dried as he rang the bell ]
You have really got to proofread better.
[to brake up my story ]
Break. Brake is the thing you do in a car.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8919748/1/Never-To-Be-Seen-Again
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8919908/1/The-Pidgeotto
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is really not a story. He sees a pidgeotto, catches it and now can use it to fly. That’s a description of something you do in the games, not something that’s actually interesting to read about. There’s no plot here.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920010/1/He-Reminds-me-of-You
A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920076/1/Pokemon-Johto-Journey
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920299/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Black-and-White-Gothita-s-Legend
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[ It noticed my bed, ran over to it and started jumping up and down. “Are you tired?” Gothita nodded her head. I picked Gothita up and put her on the bed ]
It took me a moment to mean you meant jumping up and down next to the bed, rather than on it. Try to be clear when you describe things. I do like that you’re having the pokemon move around and have their own desires and needs, though.
[I knew Pokémon could communicate with humans in dreams but it was a surprise to be actually talking to a Pokémon. ]
That’s a big thing to be casually mentioning, and also weird to completely forget about while lying down for a nap next to a pokemon. It’d make more sense to say it’s something specific to certain psychic types.
Well, it’s a different starter than usual, and you’re being vague about what makes her special rather than running right into a long explanation of exactly what prophesy she’s the Chosen One. This looks good so far.
Not enough to put in in the C2 though, between the grammar issues and the fact that for all I know the prophesy of exactly what she’s going to do will come next chapter.
One.