Now just thirty or so behind.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7760550/1/Battle_Tears

[“Comrads!” he announced in a deep and smooth voice, “I am aware that our goals may not be the same, but we all share a common interest…some of us want money, or fame, even women; but we all need power to get there, and we all started out as common criminals.
“You may be from team Rocket, Magma, Aqua, Galactic, or even Plasma…maybe a smaller organization, or no organization at all, the crimes you’ve committed might have even been silent and invisible…
“But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re all children of sin, and we lust for power]

No. The various teams actually have very different goals. Only Team Rocket is straight up criminals going after money and power. You’re better off making a new team, or hell, just say it’s another iteration of Team Rocket – all the criminals involved in it before didn’t just disappear.

Also, since it’s getting used as part of the name, “team” should be capitalized.

The start of a sentence is always capitalized.

[A smile quickly appeared on her face as she hugged him, “come on in.” ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[banished to the ground like Satin as a serpent ]

Satan. You actually have a lot of errors and typos throughout this, you need to proofread better and find a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7760734/1/Pokemon_black_and_white_the_story

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7760762/1/The_Curse_of_Titanic

No one would let someone come on a ship just because he wanted to give back a hat when everyone else paid for the cruse. Furthermore, Ash has pokemon he could use to get off the boat and back to shore if he wanted to so badly.

[your Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“More than two thousand”. Dawn answered. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761341/1/Book_One_Kanto

Nonstory chapters are banned.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761341/2/Book_One_Kanto

[Knelt down on the soft ground, the air escaped from my lungs in a desperate and hopeless plea for help, though I knew the situation was beyond mending. ]

Please don’t write like this, it’s a trial to read.

[a Bulbasaur-teal ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is cute enough, and I like how you’re writing his interaction with the krabby, but it feels a bit slow.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761352/1/Its_Short_for_Something_Right

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761373/1/Heroes_of_Reptilon

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761502/1/Darknesss_Revenge_final_version

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Who I am is none of your concern” the creature stated Monotonously.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t capitalize random words.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761558/1/Dawns_Oneshots

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761730/1/This_Is_How_It_Started

[Orange. A made up character. Which means his personality can be switched however I want. Or however you readers want. ]

No it doesn’t.

[Privatly.” He added]

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761854/1/The_Revenge_of_Ashton_Ketchum_Oak

[In this challenge, I need to incorporate the following details into my story line;
1. Ash has been training under Oak since he was 5-7 years old
2. Ash is really smart
3. While Ash was training under Oak he catch/befriends Pikachu, Riolu, and 1 other Pokémon
4. Unusual pairing
5. Ash catches Lugia and 1 or two more legendary Pokémon
6. Ash can use aura
7. Ash with cannon and non-cannon Pokemon
8. Ash who places higher in the League tournaments]

So in short, an Ash who’s a sickeningly OOC stu.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Inside the house: ]

Don’t label your scene breaks. If you’re writing properly, it should be clear in the narration.

[a Nidorino ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Use Flamethrower!” Came a raspy, male voice. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[tears starting to push at his retina ]

Eyes don’t work this way.

[But, mummy, ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

And I see Jesse and James are even more OOC. Just write about your own characters if that’s what you want.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7761869/1/Pokemon_Mystery_dungeon_Team_Firestorm

Capitalize your title properly.

Pokcaps

[my eyes are silver and I’m constantly in black combat gear and a spike collar and bracelets I’m a tom boy not a girly girl never have been and never will, My name might be Abigail but I’m called anything from abs abi lulu lunar and eclipse for reasons I will later explain ]

The reasons being that she is a terrible mary sue. Also, learn to use punctuation and capital letters properly and tomboy is one word.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7762446/1/Pokemon_Twin_Tales_Season_1

[Please get up!” she smiled ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Starter Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Downstairs- ]

Don’t label scene breaks. This kind of thing should be clear from the narration.

[the only difference being the fact that Ash and Coal were a girl and a boy respectively. That, and ]

Then that wasn’t the only difference. Pay attention to what you write.

[“Ok! We’re headed out now mom!” ]

It’s okay, four letters.

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

[after Gary’s 13th birthday.]

It doesn’t make any sense for Gary to be several years older than them. He’s not much of a rival if he’s competing with little kids, and he’s not much of an ace trainer if he delayed starting his journey for years.

[“Like I said; Obnoxious, spoiled child. Whose car was that anyways?” Ash asked as she stared back in the direction Gary went.
“Probably one of the Cheerleaders]

Stop capitalizing random words.

If you wanted to follow the anime opening with Oak being out of pokemon, you should actually followed the anime opening with the broken alarm clock instead of having them wake up normally, eat breakfast and go there at the correct time.

[“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but then again, you are Delila and his children. So maybe you’ll be able to handle these Pokémon.” ]

And if you didn’t want to follow the anime opening, for the love of god don’t make your change be a bunch of sueish nonsense about how special they are. Oak did not give Ash Pikachu because he believed in special treatment based on who a kid’s parents were. He gave Ash Pikachu because Ash said he would take absolutely any pokemon, no matter how terrible, and begged until Oak gave in. Pikachu was not a super special pokemon, it wasn’t something “I would never give out normally to any sort of beginner trainer, what so ever ” or any of that. It was just an ordinary pokemon that had a bad temper.

I feel like writing up a canon bible for everything. No one ever seems to remember how events actually went. They all write the same basic event chain, but it’s never how things actually went in what they’re supposedly copying.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7762480/1/Competing_for_the_Legendary_Pokemon

[“Alright, alright,” laughed White, bringing her favorite Pokemon friend to her arms. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7762529/1/Weaving_a_Story

Seems stories about amnesia are popular.

[your Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Actually, it was more of a memory. It was of her as a child, holding a small, grey puppy in her arms. ]

It’s pretty tricky to actually have a memory of yourself in third person.

[and drug her ]

Dragged.

[And as she hit the ground, she realized… She didn’t even know who ‘she’ was.]

Here’s the thing – you really don’t show much of why anyone should care. The reason she’s beat up and lost her memory might be very interesting, or it might be the same old cliches everyone else has been using. The only specific clue you’ve given is a note suggesting someone did this to her, which as reasons go is not particularly interesting. There’s no sense of what in particular the point is – was she trying to do something important when she lost her memory, and she has to remember that and complete whatever it was before disaster strikes? Was she actually the one who wrote the note and intending to leave it for someone else? Amnesia alone is not the most gripping of plots.

I may just be sick of the stories, but it really doesn’t look like it’ll go anywhere interesting.

You know, a lot of stories have an amnesiac turn out to have been evil before and are all horrified and realize they’ve learned better. What if there was a story where the person became pretty dark and then remembered who they used to be, a naïve treehugger who loved everyone, and they’re disgusted by it?

That might be unsatisfying, though.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7762840/1/Freak_the_Freak_Out

Songfic is banned.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763011/1/My_Shining_Tyranitar

Don’t capitalize random words.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Your story is littered with grammar errors, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763042/1/Looking_back_and_Moving_Forward

[an honorary member of Unova’s Elite Four until Elite four member]

Capitalize consistently.

[and revealed themselves. ]

Themself. If you’re using it to mean a particular person of unknown gender, don’t use the plural form.

[possibly dyed from the distance ]

What you probably meant to say was that at the distance he can’t tell if it’s dyed. What you actually said was the distance may have made it dyed.

[“My name’s Rosalie,” she said, taking in his appearance with a rather catty, lusty look written onto her face- a look that Mephiles knew too well; this very look harmed him not so long ago.
Little did this hormone crazy teen know that he was at least 20, turning 21 soon. And, last time he checked, pedophilia wasn’t on his to-do list.]

…I really doubt any trainer serious enough to get to the Elite Four would suddenly be distracted like this, especially one who considered it a big enough deal that a minute ago she was extremely nervous. Also, where the hell does “catty” come into it?

[a full Pokémon battle ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t go through lengths to avoid “said”. It’s generally better than whatever word you’re forcing into the sentence instead, and it’s always better than sticking “questioned” and “stated” everywhere.

[the song Awake and Alive by Skillet began to blare across the room. ]

Life does not actually come with a soundtrack, it’s a conceit used in shows and moves because a music score is expected. Including it in text is stupid.

And actual songfic is banned.

[“Houndoom,” he yawned, rubbing his grey eyes while keeping his body alert to any sudden movements
“Flamethrower]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You’re also missing punctuation.

And your paragraphing is bad. Every line doesn’t need to be a new paragraph.

[The Dark/Fire hound howled its name yet again, before a peek of Orange, Yellow, and Red ]

Stop capitalizing random words.

[The young hormonal teen gritted her teeth ]

I’m not slogging through any more of this, it’s terrible.

Someone has issues with women.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763269/1/Please_dont_make_me_Machoke_you

[her Skarmory ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I might might have been eighteen ]

You repeated a word, and trainers start far younger than eighteen. She doesn’t sound that old either, she sounds exactly like a confused ten year old.

Still, this is different than usual. I liked that you used the diary to skim over the beginning of her journey, and you’ve managed to make the pokemon distinct and clearly flawed without it getting ridiculous.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763269/2/Please_dont_make_me_Machoke_you

Eh. The characters are one-dimensional in how irritating they are, without any other features to balance it or make it feel less artificial.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763361/1/Listen_to_the_Whispers

[blue-hired ]

Proofread. Also, stop bringing it up every five minutes when it’s irrelevant to whatever’s going on.

[his Lucario ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is sort of intriguing, but too vague to really say. Okay, he’s got this weird dream thing, but where’s it actually going? You don’t have to give all the answers, but the plot should be clearer than just that he’s having weird dreams about Steven.

I think I’ve figured out the core of my problem with a lot of these. You know those shitty “adult”/”bestseller”/”thriller” books you see everywhere? The ones that are basically made up of one interesting event in the first five pages and then three hundred pages of filler before finally explaining everything in the last ten pages? That’s kind of what these stories are. They’re just saying “a weird thing!” and they’re not giving any damn clue what sort of story it actually is, expecting you to just keep reading to find out the answer instead of on the strength of the plot.

Unlike those pieces of shit I don’t think it’s being done deliberately. But it’s really not good practice.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763403/1/Death_by_Drowning

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

Stop capitalizing random words.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Don’t use fanboy Japanese.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Here, unlike other regions, we have to wait till we’re 15 to start our journey. ]

No you don’t, because trainers travel between regions so they wouldn’t differ on this without a very good reason.

[So, here are the options .o. I either A: Make shorter chaps with faster updates or longer chaps with slower updates ]

C: stop posting chapters of filler that add nothing to your plot. No one needs to hear your character ate pancakes. It doesn’t matter.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763446/1/Dark_Days

[Hello Every-one. Welcome to my newest fan fiction, I hope you like it by the end. Any-way, ]

Don’t capitalize random words and stop sticking hyphens everywhere. It’s “everyone” and “anyway”.

[To any other Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[almost 10 metres ]

Write out numbers with letters.

[Pikachu grunted as he sent a massive Thunderbolt towards Feraligatr. Feraligatr arched back, and let loose a massive Hydro Pump attack. The two attacks collided, Pikachu and Feraligatr seeming to have unlimited amounts of energy. A white light spread throughout the whole area, moments later the massive explosion could be heard. ]

…you realize water conducts electricity, right?

[Mew-Two ]

Mewtwo.

[“I highly doubt that.” A smooth baritone voice said ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[The next morning a group of prophets came and said that Ash had to die to the so-called ‘Apocalypse’ would not happen. Apparently, his Aura would be corrupted and he would destroy the world. At first, they all laughed at what the prophets were saying, laughing at their idea which was barely a whisper. But that whisper soon became a roar. One by one: Brock, Misty, Dawn, Max, they all started to believe the prophets. The only people who stood by Ash’s side was May, his mom, Professor Oak and surprisingly Gary. That was, until they killed him mom. Ash sighed at the memory, and stroked Pikachu’s back. His so-called ‘friends’ had threatened Ash and killed him mom. ]

Yeah, this is really not the sort of thing you can just drop in as a quick summary. You don’t explain why prophets showed up, why anyone would take prophets seriously, why some of his friends changed their minds and believed it and some didn’t, and why they’d then kill Ash’s mom. Also, it’s “his mom” not “him mom”. Get a beta reader.

[Mew-Two had personally come to Ash after he had exiled himself to the mountain ]

This is another thing you shouldn’t just throw in as part of the backstory. Major events need to be actually shown and explained, and they really should have a point, most of this seems like it’s just there because you felt like it.

[He didn’t like foreplay. Though his patience had grown since he was the 10-year-old child, he still had a distaste of idle talk before the main point. ]

…that’s really not how the word “foreplay” is used. Again, you really, really need a beta reader.

[“Though I realize this, some-one must take it into their hands top sever their influence. And what better than the two most power-full trainer that ever lived.” ]

Really, your grammar is terrible.

[it’s arm ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Altaria reappeared and began humming. However, the notes went harsh. Gallade covered it’s ears in shock, as it writhed in pain on the ground. “Stop.” Ash told Altaria, and Altaria closed it’s beak. Gallade didn’t notice, still writhing on the floor. ]

…That’s not at all how perish song works. It’s a move that knocks out both pokemon after a couple turns.

Honestly, this all seems terribly sueish. You introduced all sorts of poorly explained things just so Ash could be more special.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763522/1/A_New_Start_At_The_End

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763700/1/The_UBZ_Underground_Battle_Zone

[“Place test subject 000831 into chemical chamber 7” Damien spoke into a radio. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Most of the side affects were fatal, and the others just left them so mutated and gruesome that they had to be put down. ]

Not all chemicals do things. If you’re experimenting, plenty of the time you’re just not going to get any result, or you’ll get an extremely minor one.

[the expirements. ]

While that’s apparently true, you mean “experiment”. Spellcheck.

[there patience ]

Their. Get a beta reader.

[Only about half of the lights were actually working and most of the time the whole place was running on emergency batteries. ]

Emergency electricity is not cheaper than regular electricity, so they wouldn’t be using it to save money.

[the Eevee]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Biochemical ]

…so, a chemical.

[it’s movement ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[The Eevee leaped, off the pedestal to try out it’s new body. After a few minutes it seemed to realize how much stronger it was now, because it went after the man who stuck him with a needle. The two men opened the airlock door, got out, and shut it again before the Eevee could do any damage.
“It worked.” Damien said. The lab went dead silent. “It worked!”]

Not really. They have no idea how long it’s going to live or even if it’s going to remain healthy for any length of time.

[Gary walked over into the room and put the sleeping Eevee wolf beast in a burlap sack and dragged him out of the building the same way he came in. ]

No, because Gary isn’t stupid and he’d know it was easier, not to mention safer for the both of them, to just catch it.