Going to have to spend all tomorrow reviewing now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920384/1/Truth-and-Ideals
[He saw two sides to man. One loved pokemon, and treated them as companions and friends. The other, however, mistreated pokemon, and used them as tools and weapons. From his observations he thought, and from his thoughts two gods manifested. ]
This doesn’t seem like a good setup for the truth/ideals split, since it seems he’s just creating a pro-human god and anti-human god.
[ The Black One. He was rash, and unlearned in the ways of the world. He was blind to the good side of man, and was disgusted with the bad side. ]
Also, when setting up an idealogical conflict, it’s a good idea not to open your story by explicitly saying one side is dumb. Also, this isn’t a good fit for “ideals”.
[The White One was wiser than his brother, but still, was not perfect. His entire being was devoted to seek out the truth. And he saw only the kindness of man, having spent time with them before. ]
Then he’s not really truth either.
Both of them should be aware of the good and evil parts.
If the truth sides with humans, it should be that they know humans are capable of good as well as evil and believe the state of things is good enough. It could also side against humans if it believed that the fact of evil wasn’t worth the good and have no belief things could improve. If the ideals side went with humans, they would still know humans were capable of evil, but believed in the ideal of things improving so that humans would overcome their evil and become more good. Against humans, it should believe the evil isn’t worth the good, and believe in the ideal of pokemon never being subjected to the evil of humans.
[The White One said, “My brother fails to see the goodness of man.”
The Black One said, “My brother cannot see the evil of man.]
What you have here is just an argument about what the truth is. White’s position should be that humans are both and you shouldn’t focus entirely on one part, while Black’s the more ideological stance that some good isn’t worth some evil.
There’s something really deserving with how a conflict about ideals vs truth where both sides seem to have a valid point ends up an actual black and white conflict. But totally inevitable when considering one side is saying the basic premise of the games people enjoy needs to be stopped.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920662/1/Eli-in-the-Big-Bad-Pok%C3%A9world
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[For a few extra bucks they even programmed it to be able to speak English. ]
Having pokemon have humanlike intelligence and the ability to communicate this tends to raise a lot of problems with otherwise treating them as pets.
[Would’ve given me a scare if the e-mail hadn’t given me a warning before hand. ]
You’ve switched to first person here.
[It seemed that Porygon aren’t very popular ]
And present tense here.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Write out numbers with letters.
[route 1, ]
That’s the name of the route, so it’s Route 1. Like with roads.
[The time, energy and money you had to spend on training an average pokémon to a suitable level for battling gyms was mind-numbing. Add to that the cost of your own travelling, as you can’t become a highly successful pokémon trainer without winning badges, and other things you might need or want along the way… ]
It’s really not that pricy. Can’t be in order to have a reasonable number of trainers traveling around. Pokemon trainers get free food and lodging at pokecenters and seem to get various other discounts and special treatment.
If you mean to present this as a dystopian AU where wealth is a major factor in the who can be a successful trainer, you have to do more to explain how the place works. How does this affect the number of trainers who are able to travel? Does this mean most trainers are local and with a second job while only a few can really travel around to get badges? This seems like it’d create a class of impoverished trainers, which would be really, really dangerous for the powers that be, how is that kept under control?
In all this, it’s still not clear why he never picked up a pokemon before now, especially with time being one of the factors on his list. Raising a pokemon part-time for the past few years might not be as effective as being a full time trainer, but it’d still be better than starting from the beginning once he finally did become one.
[he started dealing drugs. Soft-drugs or whatever you want to call it, mostly weed and hash. ]
Also, a pokemon would’ve been useful here for self-defense.
[Without a trainers license, which was terribly expensive, anyone older than twelve could own exactly one pokémon of the E or D-class. These classes classify all known pokémon according to the average strength of a species and the level of danger they posed to humans. Of all of these pokémon, Porygon are the only exception. It’s classified as a D-class pokémon despite it’s strength. ]
Trainer’s license.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
This doesn’t really fit with how pokemon work. The whole idea of pokemon is that they get way stronger when they’re raised, so while a rattata and charizard, all things being equal, will be a lopsided battle, a well raised rattata will still be a strong combatant and capable of doing a lot of damage. And even if pokemon have set power levels and there’s no point in training at all, he’d still be better off with one weak pokemon than no pokemon at all.
Also, why not just get an illegal pokemon instead of dealing illegal drugs? It’s a lot more direct of a way of dealing with the problem.
[Why that is, he didn’t know. Because Porygon could easily be classified as an upper B-class pokémon, so it would stand to reason that he’d be classified as such.
He thought that it probably had something to do with the fact that Porygon was man-made and programmed, and was presumed to be able to be fully controlled by it’s master, no exception.]
That would only make sense if the reason for the restriction was solely pokemon going rogue and attacking people on their own. And in that case, your character really should be mentioning that the average pokemon is really dangerous in addition to the other problems with being a trainer.
[The application was in fact a screening to see if you were qualified to become a good trainer.
‘A pretty arrogant point of view if you think about it. Who the fuck were they to decide who would be a good trainer in the future and who wouldn’t? But well, he guessed they were the best sort of people to do so anyway.
And he could agree that a screening was necessary. You didn’t want to hand over a pokémon you raised from birth to a nut job who wanted to rob banks with it, now did you?
But then again, did it really have to be so fucking expensive?’]
I really can’t tell if this is intended to be about the world and why it’s like that or if it’s just to make your character’s life harder. Is it expensive, or is this necessary to pay for the screenings and make sure trainers don’t run around causing trouble?
…and now it’s going on and on and on about gangs. I really don’t see the point here. And now a lot of talk about Eli that seems like it’s just there to try to make the guy look cooler. You were doing a lot better at characterizing him by actually writing about him rather than about someone telling the reader about him.
Ah, back to him.
[He grinned, and replied with a wicked smile “Oh c’mon doc, admit it, you just couldn’t wait to get me out of my shirt.”
Watching her mouth fall open slightly in disbelief and her pretty face flare red, was satisfying. Until someone decided to remind them of his presence.]
This seems like the sort of thing a fifteen year old might say and think was very clever, but not how an adult woman, even a younger one, would likely react. If she’s reacting in shock it probably has more to do with the fact that a kid who’s fourteen saying this is something that gets you on sex offender lists.
[ Eli wasn’t stupid, he knew that he was far from normal when it came to fighting. He didn’t know what was abnormal about him that made him this way, but he did know that he didn’t want the scientific community knowing about it. The fact that none of his contacts mentioned a physical, only made him more paranoid. Did they see something on that scan they took of his body? Or maybe there was something of about his blood or tissue? ]
Arg, was this really necessary?
[ “C’mon now Ashley, it’s not like this is entirely new to you. There have been other famous examples of Adapted people! Like the famous Psychic Adapted Sabrina of Saffron, or the infamous Electric Adapted Cutler of Sunnyshore. Sure they are rare, but as a scientist you shouldn’t be so shocked by something like this.” ]
Okay, that’s a bit more understandable, but in that case, why wouldn’t he know it was possible? And he must have gone to a doctor before now, someone should have noticed and pointed it out. From how Oak talks about it they’re generally well known and successful people.
Also from how Oak talks there doesn’t seem to be any real purpose behind all the money issues. The setup you have here seems to be one where there’s an enormous amount of control over who has pokemon, which in turn defines basically everything in this world, but there’s no sign of why or if it’s going to impact your story beyond your character complaining about how expensive stuff is.
Well, anyway. Your writing is really sloppy, you jump between first and third person a lot and have various other errors. Proofread better. I’m also still not clear what the purpose of your setting is.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8920863/1/A-boy-and-his-Eevee
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921148/1/New-Hero-of-Truth
This is all really cute. I like the whole bit with her pokemon club figurines and the mundane stuff like dealing with rogue watermelons, and you write Bianca very well. I find the idea of her being more involved in all the hero business as well.
Also, no semicolons!
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921178/1/David-s-Story-Try-Two
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Spellcheck.
This isn’t a chapter, it’s an expanded summary. Your first chapter should be an actual chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921178/2/David-s-Story-Try-Two
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
[his Pajamas ]
Don’t capitalize random words.
[your up ]
“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.
[ (think Harry Potter setting) ]
Don’t do this. Describe something or don’t, but don’t put in a reference instead.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[“Yes, I heard about it at work, they say their only trying to save the Pokémon, but they only harm their emotional side.” ]
They’re, not their. And I have no idea what you even mean by ” they only harm their emotional side”.
[ “That’s true, Marie, they are no better than those Team Rocket fella’s ]
Don’t use apostrophe for plurals and how are they no better than the people who kill pokemon for profit? I do like that you’re having people chat about their world, but it’s no good if you don’t develop it properly.
Anyway, errors everywhere here. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921218/1/A-Shot-in-the-Dark
[the perfect Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[no one had seen mew in over a century ]
Conversely, here you appear to be referring to Mew, the specific individual, rather than mew, the general species, so it should be capitalized.
And now for no reason you’re summarizing the movie and giving a popular quote that has no bearing on anything. Don’t do this, just skip to your actual story.
[ Some documents survived and found their way into the hands of people who were the most feared. They began experimenting on humans, injecting Pokémon DNA into them. They were attempting to make the most formidable human army in the world. ]
The research had absolutely nothing to do with that, so why would the documents on creating one enhanced pokemon somehow have to do with making a pokemorph army?
[Some of these people managed to escape, and found a way to live far from the criminal organization that ran these experiments. Others fought back and were destroyed. Those who were smart enough tried to become organized, but they never stayed alive long enough. The rest hid out in the wild and prayed they were not found. ]
So they’re attempting to create a super army. The super army hates them. Somehow, they’re able to wipe out the super army when it fights against them. Why are they trying to make a super army in the first place, then?
Plus, if they have this down, why not leave the regular people alone and use their own loyalists?
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921218/2/A-Shot-in-the-Dark
[“Strap the boy down. If he moves the procedure may not work,” ]
It’s an injection. Why would moving matter?
[ “My dear boy, do not be afraid, for you are helping us advance further than before. If you survive I dare say you shall be our finest experiment. Naturally we’ll have to keep you locked up under surveillance, but I may grant you one hour per day where we let you rest. Now hold still, this will only hurt a lot.” ]
Why are they pointlessly sadistic? How are people apparently motivated by pointless sadism and stupidity keeping a handle on the superpowered people that hate them?
Why are all stories about science in this fandom so terrible?
Four.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921322/1/Pokemon-True-Emerald
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“But my birthday’s in a few days!” the girl whined. “It’s going to be the most important day of my life!”
“Oh, sweetie… I know you want to go to Professor Elm’s lab and receive your first Pokemon]
The idea of professors handing out pokemon or of there being a set age to get them is an anime convention. Professors in the games give you pokemon because they want something from you and you need a pokemon to do it, and kids in the games can get and battle with pokemon at any age.
[“But mom…!” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[ “Hey, do you want me to go out and catch one for you?” ]
Nice to see someone remember that’s an option.
Anyway. Better written than a lot of novelizations, but still pretty slow paced, and seems to have a bunch of fanon mistaken for canon mixed in. Hopefully it’ll pick up once you get past the overdone opening.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8921345/1/Josh-s-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[You humans have it so hard. In what world would anyone want to live to have to work so hard for an uncertain future? We just roam free, and do what we want with whoever we want. You guys have it way to rough.]
You mean “too rough” and this really doesn’t make sense for any wild animal to say. A pet pikachu might express this sentiment, but it wouldn’t be talking about roaming free.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
You suddenly switch from classroom to outside. If you had a scene break there, it was eaten.
[[Alright, standard beginning normal set again, right?]
[NO.] My trainer commanded, and startled me. [You cannot use fakeout again, it will fail, and it will give her Wigglytuff an opening on you. Go straight for the Brick break thunderbolt combo.]
Damn, I completely would have forgotten that. ]
It’s really hard to believe pokemon would forget basics about their own attacks. Plus this doesn’t actually make sense, there’s no reason for fakeout to not work on a new pokemon except for game balance issues.
Also, the shouting his attacks thing sounds absurd. Stop making your dialogue do the lifting and focus on the narration.
[ the medication defiantly dulled the pain. ]
Definitely.
If you want to switch POVs constantly, just write in third person.
Eh, this doesn’t seem to have much of a plot, and you’re just rushing into relationship drama without doing much to develop the characters beforehand, so it’s hard to care about them.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922173/1/Uprising
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[He ALWAYS put his mouth way to close to the speakers; his normal voice was loud enough, thank you very much. ]
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[odviously ]
Spellcheck.
[ team Rocket ]
The whole thing is their name, so both parts have to be capitalized.
Anyway, the plot is intriguing but this is rather banter heavy. It’s okay to have it in moderation but currently good chunks of it don’t seem to have a purpose but to slow things down.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922269/1/Touya-s-Messed-Up-Pokemon-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.
[‘Hi,’ the Chinchilla Pokémon cries out.
‘You can talk?’ I ask.
‘Duh, most Pokémon can,’ Minccino replies.]
Try harder.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922386/1/The-Shadow-Of-Zekrom
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922386/2/The-Shadow-Of-Zekrom
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is rather rushed. Your scenes are only a few paragraphs long and you really don’t go into much detail about what’s going on.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922601/1/Cold-Shift
Don’t use dashes to indicate thoughts.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[nothing mom ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[ i was ]
Proofread better.
[As I walked I saw a strange looking rock… “Odd, this looks like an ice rock from that one game…” I couldn’t put my finger on it.
Suddenly, the weird ice rock thing absorbed into my hand. “Holy hell!” “That thing just-ARRGHHHHH” I screamed]
You shouldn’t have two separate pieces of dialogue next to each other. If it’s being said at once, it’s all within one set of quotation marks.
Also, this is really poorly written. Your character sees it, then suddenly it’s melting into their hand? You have to say it was picked up first, or else that it flew at them and into their hand to merge.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922601/2/Cold-Shift
…and now your character wakes up to find they’re married to a vaporeon and have kids and they’re fine with it and happy to spend the rest of their life having sex with their pokewife. Okay then.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922647/1/Pokemon-The-Prism-League
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You really don’t need to spend a chapter on Ash going home and meeting with people and telling them he’s going to another tournament and so on. It’s inane filler. Just skip to him going to the tournament.
Eight.