Actually, I think the stories are averaging as much better written.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763870/1/Life_Of_A_Rich_Teen
Get a beta reader. Your characters are OOC and flat and you have grammar errors all over the place.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7763921/1/Abandoned_But_Not_Forgotten
[However, I am getting ahead of myself, for I intend to start at the beginning of my journey and no less. For me my life began when I first turned ten and I shall not regal you with all the highly unglamorous details of my life prior.
Oh no, my life did not truly begin until the day I beheld my first Pokemon. And that was only the beginning.]
Your writing is really repetitive, you’re repeating both the idea and even the same words.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Sure, I can’t just not go on my journey, ]
I don’t see why not. Not everyone does.
[“You must be Suki, our aspiring Pokemon-trainer-to-be.” his voice was kind and welcoming, “You must of come up here to see this pathetic lot of Pokemon.” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Not much to build off of but, hey it’s something! So… thoughts? Is it worth continuing? ]
It’s not anything right now. You just have a short scene where she sees the captain and his pokemon. That doesn’t tell us much of anything about what your story actually will be about, which is what your first chapter should be. Right now, there’s no sign of a plot or point. What you have isn’t badly written, but it’s incomplete, and not in the sense it’s chapter one of a longer story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7764005/1/Runaway_Shinx
[until team rocket appeared and sent the place into lock down and captured all the Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Along the same lines, since it’s their name, you do capitalize Team Rocket.
[I went under my transformation ]
Underwent. Get a beta reader.
[I became 3/4 human and 1/4 shinx, but the problem with the experiment was that is was supposed to make me all human and zero part Pokemon ]
Why? Team Rocket isn’t in the business of stealing valuable people, they’re in the business of valuable pokemon. Turning pokemon into regular people is like transforming expensive statues into rubble – not the best business decision.
[my only attire consists of black pants and a blue v-neck a black ring at the top of the shirt and golden bracelets around both wrist and blue shoes with black socks ]
No, it doesn’t, because people can and do change clothes.
Write out numbers with letters.,
[he seems to be absorbing the DNA ray and expelling it in the form of radio active lightning bolts.” said Doctor Harry ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, what you just said was nonsense, and it’s radioactive, one word.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[-Team Rocket Training Grounds-]
Stop doing this. You shouldn’t need to label your scene breaks, it should be clear from context.
[Once I was in the obstacle course they made me run 3 Kms in knee deep mud, and then made me walk over a 20 meter rope bridge blind folded then they made me do 150 push ups, 75 chin ups and then made me run the BEEP TEST where I had to reach 15 to pass. ]
No, they didn’t, because people can’t do those things so it can’t possibly be part of the standard test for prospective Team Rocket members, and it’s not like the grunts are even the cream of the crop. Team Rocket’s thing is having huge numbers, not that each individual incredibly skilled.
[Team Rocket specifically put the torture room next to the gym to remind their trainees of what happens when they don’t pull through with their dirty work ]
That makes even less sense! Why would people join? Why would other people waste their valuable time torturing people for not being fit enough to join? Even if for no reason Team Rocket’s suddenly developed crazy standards, just kill the people who fail – unless the idea is they get tortured until they succeed, but that would just bump it up to absolutely insane because torture makes people weaker and less capable of doing insane training courses.
I love the TR experiements subgenre, but not because it’s any good.The writing of these is just very frustrating.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765085/1/Ten_Songs_Ten_Drabbles
[3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it’s over. No lingering afterwards!]
Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic. Specifically, it’s a writing exercise with a heavy emphasis on editing and reworking the story to fit into the particular format.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765165/1/An_Uncharmed_Life
[In the year of 2012, the world really did end. End it’s peaceful ways, that is. ]
…well, that’s underwhelming. Look, this particular phrasing is used for jokes, it shouldn’t be used unless you meant for me to roll my eyes at this.
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Since the combined forces of humans and Pokemon were able to force Kyurem into “eternal” sleep, a scientist assistant of Professor Oak took it literally.
Combining the DNA of both Pokemon and humans into a Pokemon egg, hybrids were born. You know, like Maximum Ride. Hybrids weren’t exactly the most popular, even with their human parents.]
If the human parents weren’t in favor, how’d the assistant get their DNA and why would they give the egg to them afterward? Why’d they suddenly do it without bothering to consult with anyone if it was a good idea? Why’d they make a huge bunch instead of seeing if the first one came out okay? If you just want a ton of hybrids running around you’re better off making it something magic a legendary did. Science just isn’t good for this sort of thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765341/1/Hollow
[the Mightyena ]
You don’t seem to be capitalizing anything else related to pokemon, but you do with the mightyena.
[“Finally”, I whipped my head around ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ok ]
It’s okay, four letters.
[My names Greg ]
Name’s. You should really proofread better.
Hm. Well, a kid who has to catch their first starter is different, and I like in media res, but I don’t see why Alex can’t just tell Greg about the whole lack of pokemon thing and ask for help catching one. You don’t seem to be suggesting Alex doesn’t trust or expects people to take advantage if they know, so there doesn’t seem to be any reason not to tell the truth.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765387/1/Now_or_Never
[my Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ambra. ]
Is a ridiculous sue name.
[Took Blaze, Sparx, and Felisa with me so you don’t have
to worry about them while you’re gone. ]
Okay, but why? You don’t seem to explain why she’d be leaving and couldn’t take her pokemon with her. This seems like it’s only there because you want her to not have a pokemon when she runs into Birch.
The idea of her accidentally catching the poochyena instead of battling it is an interesting one, though.
[I have a Pokémon.
My very FIRST Pokémon. (well not exactly- but you know what I mean)]
No, I don’t. You say she’s got pokemon, then that for some reason her friend’s taken them, and now she’s flipping out because she just got her first pokemon. If there’s some explanation here, you need to actually give it.
[I giggled, “Your one weird pokémon, but I like you!” ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
That was a somewhat different version of the usual opening, and I do like the idea of a poochyena starter. I think it’d make a lot more sense without saying she already had pokemon, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765387/2/Now_or_Never
This, though, is the same thing as always. She’s just running around the starting area having extended chats with people. There’s no sign of any point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765534/1/A_Search_for_Hope_and_Survival
[Two figures were seen walking a barren desert wasteland with only a few dead withered plants was all the eye could see for miles ]
This seems like two separate sentences shoved together. You can’t say both “with” and “was all” like that.
[early twenty’s ]
Twenties. Apostrophes are for possessives and contractions only.
[it’s neck ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
Also, you need to use commas.
[tornadoes’ earthquakes ]
This means the earthquakes belonging to the tornadoes. You really, really need a beta reader.
[But what they didn’t know was in the cluster of meteors there was massive meteor ]
That’s really not how modern astronomy works. It’s pretty precise and not given to missing an elephant just because there’s a lot of mice.
[it was total anarchy. Entire governments had been destroyed with most of the worlds armies, and police forces so there was nothing to help the survivors or organized group of people to stop the looting destruction that would be caused the few surviving gangs, anarchists, and criminal organizations. ]
How did the criminal organizations survive when every other organization was completely destroyed? Really, get a beta reader. Your writing is a mess and your plotting little better.
[People would kill one another over a few bottles of water ]
No. They really, really wouldn’t. It’s comparatively easy to clean water provided there isn’t chemical contamination, it shouldn’t even need to be cleaned because with a decimated population there’s few people left to shit in the drinking water, and the plastic bottled water is kept in degrades over time, especially in heat.
[That was ten years ago now it’s a constant fight to live against raiders, thieves, and feral pokemon among others. ]
Okay, look. Did you ever learn about food webs or anything like that? You know how the big predators are all at the top, and they make up a tiny, tiny fraction of the total population? The same goes for this. Anything that survives off killing and looting others can’t be the majority for long, because they either starve and die off when there aren’t enough prey or they eat each other. Similarly, you can’t support a lot of anything if your setting is a blasted wasteland where everyone’s starving. There would only be a very short period of violence as the pre-disaster population fought because there weren’t enough resources to go around, because “not enough resources to go around” means not everyone survives to keep raiding and stealing and being a crazy murderer.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Admittedly, this one is a common issue in media. It’s one of the reasons I’m fond, conceptually, of the zombie apocalypse, it removes all the checks and balances inherent in predator/prey relationships (unless they rot, but personally, if they rot I don’t think it’s a real zombie apocalypse. Anything you can hole up and wait out isn’t.). Really, any sort of thing that kills humans but doesn’t need to in order to survive makes a good mass enemy. Also good are horror settings where something’s producing the whatever it is, so they never die back to manageable levels.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765689/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7765729/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_Warriors_of_Will
[a Latias.]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Lita, do you know her?” The boy asks]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766109/1/State_of_Panic]
[Pain! How I hated it! Things like these took over people’s lives, scared them, suppressed them. What were these people trying to prove? To what end justified the burning down of Chronodust Town, my home of 15 years? ]
You know, going off on tangents like this is at once both really distracting and really dull compared to what you’re distracting me from. I mean, a person on fire just ran by screaming. Surely that’s more important to focus on?
Write out numbers with letters.
[I guess you could call me psychic, but it’s more of a spatial rendering then the works of an aloft mind ]
You mean “than” and probably “aloof” instead of “aloft”. Also, I don’t see why what he’s saying means he isn’t psychic.
[“Name’s Giro,” The boy continued. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Well Ian, I suppose we’d better get outta here before we’re burnt to a crisp. Geez, and I thought Chronodust was hot in the Summer time!” Giro laughed at his own joke ]
And Ian doesn’t seem to think joking as people burn to death is a big deal, so he’s just as bad.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766109/2/State_of_Panic
[Eh, well, I overloaded you with information, but not a whole lot of it pertained to the story itself. ]
That’s worse, actually.
You need to stop explaining everything in an ending essay and focus on actually writing the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766195/1/A_Christmas_Delivery
Don’t center your text, it’s obnoxious to read.
[“Yeah, I guess.” I replied. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[my first Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Eh. Not much of a point to this and it should probably have gone in the story the character’s from. It is good to see people getting pokemon as gifts instead of everything being about a starter from a professor, and getting eevee by something other than tripping over a wild one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766211/1/The_Many_Adventures_of_the_Pokekids
Nonstory chapters are banned.
[Before we start, let me introduce my kids first so we can get to know them! ]
No. People get to know characters by reading about them in the story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766275/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_The_Mystery_of_Francis
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Never use quotation marks for thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766642/1/Commander_Neptune
This is terrible. Look up a basic grammar guide before you post.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766755/1/Double_Nuzlocke_Survival
Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766791/1/Theres_a_reason
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[as soon as Gold arrived on his Togekiss many young trainers suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Oddly enough it was very noticeable that there were MANY more male trainers compared to female trainers. They loved watching Gold play with the baby Pokémon. Once when Gold bent down to pick up a small Cyndaquil, its trainer had failed to notice that he had begun to drool. ]
LOL ITZ YOAIZ is not actually that hilarious and not really something you can base a story around. Also, if the point is that Gold is hot, why would only guys think that?
I don’t even know.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7766929/1/Tenki_from_Hoenn
[Tenki, young 15-year old boy from Hoenn, departs from the comfort of his father’s Flygon ]
That should be “a young”.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“My son…” His father began ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[I know what you did dad…]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[“My dad just gave me this Egg.” Tenki said, revealing the small Egg. Rowan began to stare. “You are a Pokémon Professor. What type of Pokémon is this?”
“I wouldn’t know. Perhaps Professor Elm of Johto could tell you. Or, of course, you could just wait for it to hatch.”
“Yeah. Well, I should probably get started on my adventure. Eight badges to get and they won’t just be handed over to me.”]
Except he can’t do anything until the egg actually hatches.
Also, you’re overrelying on dialogue for your story. A lot of it’s unnecessary and just there so you can avoid saying what’s happening in narration, instead having characters talk about the fact something’s happening, which is infinitely more boring.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7767252/1/Pokemon_Kanto_Legends_Saga
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“My dear Gardevoir, where do you think we humans came from? We didn’t start here in your universe, we came in a portal that humans and Pokémon have long forgotten. It was an accident that happened thousands of years ago and I have only just found out.” ]
That’s an interest idea, but really isn’t something to just throw in without explanation. And the idea of a random kid being the savior of everything because of their purity and innocence is one of the most cliché and nonsensical tropes.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7767355/1/Ash_and_Angie
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And this all seems like filler. You spend the chapter setting up something that really doesn’t need explanation – you could have just said Ash was staying in town because his birthday was coming up and he wanted people to be able to get in touch with him for it, you didn’t need an entire chapter on the subject.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7767398/1/Pokemon_special_Chronicles
Capitalize your title properly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, this is massively OOC.
[”You will end up as pervert, a pedophile, and gay.” The fortune teller said darkly.]
People don’t “end up” gay, and you really should have thought twice about including it after the other two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7767430/1/Judgment_Day
[Latios was now an extinct species; Mew was hunted down through new technology the humans made; Rayquaza gave his last breath the day he could no longer find cool, clean air to breathe. ]
I’m not clear on why the other legendaries haven’t scoured the earth of humans by this point. They seem to just be sitting around sulking about it.
[“And lastly, you will be human.”
Everyone stared at him.
“Human?” Mewtwo grumbled, uncrossing his arms and strolling forward. “You want us to turn away from the humans in order to become humans? Can you not bear to leave behind your heartless creations?”
“You are correct,” Arceus mumbled, lowering his head. He felt ashamed, but he created his new world in such a way their minds, so used to Pokemon ways, wouldn’t be overwhelmed. “But, you will still have your powers.”
Mewtwo just turned his head and looked away.]
I really don’t see why Mewtwo of all would flip out at this. He’s already an unnatural legendary, he already defines himself based on how he was created and his powers, and he was always more interested in humans and being taken as their equal or better. Plus he’s not even that different in shape compared to most of them.
[“There’s just one catch, though.”
The happy murmur filling the area was instantly shot down.
“You will loose all of your memories. You may not keep the relationships you have on this earth, your children may not be of your family anymore, the roles you play may be different, your personalities may be different.”]
So by “one catch” you mean “you, for all intents and purposes, die, a new version of your is made, and it’s not even one that’s all that close to who you were”.
Also, loose is the opposite of tight. You mean lose.