More variety than usual today. Also, more unwanted looks into how people think about sex.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8922976/1/Your-Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventure-Awaits
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[and the boy that looks suspiciously like me, Nate ]
The two really don’t look that similar.
[my entitled Pokémon ]
Your wording here is really weird. “Promised” seems closer to what you mean.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Right, then, you must be Rosa,” she said glancing up from her papers.
“My name is Bianca and I’m Professor Juniper’s junior research assistant.”]
Group dialogue with speaker. This makes it look like there’s two different people here, one with the papers and the other saying her name is Bianca.
[ I butterfreed my eyes ]
Okay, subbing in pokemon for animal phrases the way you’re doing is awkward at the best of times. This particular bit is a thousand times worse than usual, though, because you seem to have followed some bizarre chain of blinked is like fluttering which butterflies do therefore blinked=butterfreeing. Stop doing this.
[Hang on…what in Great Arceus’ name is Nate wearing? Long Shorts AND leggings? Wait a moment…LEGGINGS? My mood instantly lifted at the sight of his fashion disaster, but then I remembered that I considered wearing leggings. I even tried them on yesterday while hunting for the perfect outfit. I was going to wear my white Pokéball branded long sleeved t-shirt with light blue sleeves, yellow shorts and leggings. And I was going to style my hair into two Ponyta-tails with buns at the top and my Pokéball branded visor to accessorise. But at the last second I switched to an outfit that was a little more Kanto-styled. I am wearing a turquoise singlet with a red mini-skirt and turquoise socks. On my head I am wearing my boater-style hat and my long brown hair is in loose Ponyta-tails. I kind of look a little like a bug-catcher but I think it is quite a cute look. I decided to bring my cross-body satchel instead of my large, more handbag-looking bag. I think the handbag might be too impractical for my adventure. ]
Look, I hate the stupid outfits the characters wear too, but that doesn’t mean a giant paragraph listing every item they were considering wearing is a good idea.
And this is really slow paced. You are adding something unusual with your characterization of Rosa, but unfortunately it’s really tedious characterization – if you’re going to have a character go on babbling tangents, it’s really important to learn how to write interesting babble.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8923419/1/Pokemon-Crusader
[ the cloaked figure ]
Most people don’t wear cloaks, and giving them cloaks to hide their identity is something that only makes sense when it’s an image. If you don’t want to say who they are when you’re writing a story, you just avoid saying it.
[ his pursuers Toxicroak ]
Pursuer’s. Apostrophe for possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Ok, lets do this thing; Arcanine, come on out,”]
Okay, four letters.
Let’s, it’s short for “let us”.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[ it’s upper body ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[“We have finally eliminated all of our rivals in the other Regions, all the other Teams. Team Rocket stands at the pinnacle of completing our plans, and this MAN brings it all to a halt. Why do you think we have chased you all the way across the Regions? THAT EGG IS EVERYTHING!” ]
Why are they monologuing about how he’s succeeded? How would this help?
Basically, this is an error-ridden mess. Proofread better.
This person contacted me to ask me to read their story for some reason. I really don’t know why they bothered or how they knew about me and not about the standard grammar paragraphs I give everyone.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8923639/1/Falling-Twilight
[(Omniscient POV) ]
You don’t need to label that. If you’re actually writing it, it’s obvious you’re doing that. If you’re writing some other POV, it’ll be obvious you’re doing that and also you’ll look like an idiot for mislabeling it.
[Her nightgown dropped into the crimson when she fell to her knees. ]
This is some terrible wording.
[The six-year-old’s tears as she whispered ]
Her tears *what*?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Arg, prophecy.
Look, you don’t need a poem laying out future events just because future events will happen. The only real point of a prophecy is if the characters’ understanding of it matters to the story. Otherwise, it’s just pretentious filler with a side of suspense-killing, because the reader knows things will definitely get that far.
I feel there should be some sort of master explanation on doing prophecy right. Pokefandom seems to just take it to mean writing some poetry about your story’s plot.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8923639/2/Falling-Twilight
This chapter was basically impossible to follow. I gave up around the part where the snag machine blows up because apparently it explodes if not used for a few days and somehow this just ruins the character’s outfit.
Four.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8923798/1/The-Challenges-ahead
Capitalize your title properly.
All bold is very annoying to read.
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[ok ]
Okay, four letters.
[To many people’s surprise it actually made him look better when he put in an effort to look nice. ]
Why would anyone find that surprising?
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924539/1/Me-vs-Who
Stop capitalizing random words.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924539/2/Me-vs-Who
Your battles are terribly written and are basically just slightly expanded lists of moves. If you want to do something like this, take it to a forum, this isn’t a story.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924572/1/The-Tale-of-a-Little-Kitty-Cat
Write out numbers with letters.
[ It’s just like any ordinary day; here you are again, listening to the droning voice of your teacher, trying to teach about different status ailments…and she just goes on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on…and on. ]
Real life being boring doesn’t mean it’s something that improves your story to include.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[ it’s tempting not to just fall asleep in class ]
How is not falling asleep tempting? She’s currently doing that.
[Unown,” you whisper to yourself in realization. You examine the paper, trying to make out what is spelled…and then you see it:
Escape?
You stare at it for a few seconds, as if trying to find some kind of other meaning to the words, but sigh and stuff it in your pocket.]
Your character is really flat. Most people would think something, like that some other kid must have printed it out using the unown font.
[Any grammer tips would be appreciated! ]
Let’s start with the fact spellcheck is really important. It’s “grammar”. Also, if you’re having trouble with the language, find a beta reader to help.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924650/1/The-Anima-Within
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Hm. This seems like an interesting version of humans with pokemon powers, and it’s nice to see it being so normal. Removing the pokemon does kind of turn it into typical superpowers, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924650/2/The-Anima-Within
[Cyrano wondered if what they were doing was reckless, silly even. They were just a pair of fifteen-year-old kids – they should be leaving this job to the adults. Surely by now news of the attack on Primordia would have spread. People everywhere were probably taking action now. So why were they going off into the unknown, going against something that was probably much bigger than anything they could ever imagine? ]
Yeah, that’s a pretty big problem.
The adults should already be organizing a group to go after the kids, and that’s assuming some parents haven’t already left. Doing these kinds of stories with kids is difficult – you have to explain why only the kid can do it. You either need for the adults to not believe they should take action (such as only the kid saw what happened, so only the kid knows where to go and what to do) or to be incapable of action (such as saying that only the kids have these powers in the first place, so an adult couldn’t fight back against the kidnappers the way your character can). You can’t just say your characters are going to do it because that’s what you want to write, you need to explain why it’s happening within your story.
In this case, maybe your best bet would be that most of the adults were taken out in the attack, and the few who remain have to stay to take care of the injured, so the only remaining people who weren’t kidnapped or crippled and are able to counterattack are the teens. Even then, you have to explain why it’s only two of them – I’m sure there’s at least a couple other teens who also lost a sibling.
[And the journey was not only for his sister, but in a way it was for himself. Cyrano could feel the spirit of the Treeko within him. It burned with energy, itching to taste action and experience. It was on the verge of evolving, and who knew what would trigger the change out in the big world? ]
Also this makes him look like a horrible person. His sister may not even be alive by now – who knows why she was taken? He should be out of his mind with worry, he should be terrified he won’t be able to save her, and instead he’s thinking that great, this’ll be a good way to level up?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924650/3/The-Anima-Within
[ we have been born in this world and immediately upon birth, a wandering Pokemon spirit comes to reside within us. ]
“Have been born”? Your wording is terribly awkward.
Also, how exactly are they testing this? How do they know when the pokemon ability shows up? Do tests show the fetus doesn’t have it? In that case, how soon does it arrive? What happens with premature births?
[Perhaps the Pokemon soul simply wanders and happens upon a newborn without its anima half. ]
Also, if either science or folklore ties the pokemon-souling to birth, it would make more sense to believe newborns were fully soulless up until birth and the pokemon-souling is the whole of the soul.
And now convenient, unnecessary exposition. They see what looks like teleportation. They presumably know about the range of teleport and the surrounding area. They should be able to guess well enough that the teleport only moved the cart a certain distance, especially when if the teleporter was able to move in longer jumps, they’d have teleported the group immediately rather than moving part of the way with a cart. They shouldn’t need a third party to give them extra information.
[“He must have been an Abra anima himself,” Freyr murmured. “I thought I got a Psychic-type vibe from him. Maybe that’s how he knew where they went.” ]
Also, why do they trust this guy at all? He saw a bunch of kids desperately fighting to escape criminals, and all he did was watch? He didn’t even leave to try to get help. And he says that he sees an abra kid doing this yet by coincidence he’s the same sort? Plus, if he can teleport, it would’ve been easy to grab at least one kid and teleport them to safety.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924650/4/The-Anima-Within
Why has he never seen a city before?
[“We’re just a couple of reckless kids,” Cyrano said, despair creeping into his voice. “I mean, honestly, Freyr, what chance do we stand against those guys? They’re probably part of an even bigger organization. And we’re just two kids with unevolved animas! What chance do we have? We might as well give up and just hope the authorities will get my sister and the others back.” ]
The way he insists on making this all about him is really annoying. Here he is at the city and he doesn’t think to rush to the police to see if they saw anything. No, he’s whining that oh no, he personally might not get to have a fun hero quest.
[Then we’ll be hiking outta here using this teleport gem.” He shoved his bike aside and stuck a hand into his pocket, pulling it out to reveal a dark teal orb clenched between his fingers. “A pity it’s one use, but then again that’s all we need to catch up. And it only costs one anima to make! Pretty impressive, right?” ]
If by make the idea is they’re using up a person’s anima for it, that’s idiotic. A person using the move over and over is so much more effective, plus they’d be able to do other things. If it could be used indefinitely I could see the value, but this is just stupidly wasteful.
Plus, why steal half-grown kids? If the idea is to produce animas just so you can turn them into items, why not just breed your own and kill them as soon as the anima goes in?
[I’ve got Chimchar with an awesome egg move ]
How would they know what egg moves are, let alone know to call them that? It’s not clear if pokemon ever existed in the wild here, let alone recently enough they’d understand that they used to lay eggs and somehow an egg could inherit its father’s move even if it couldn’t normally.
Also, it’s all guys. The sister’s the only female character in this.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8924834/1/A-meadow-is-not-a-safe-place-to-play
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[WARNING. Age is 18, if you would of liked to know. Keeping it legal.]
Do you realize how idiotic it is to be concerned about this when you’re writing about rape? What, that is legal now?
Anyway, grammar errors everywhere, get a beta reader because there are few things more creepy than porn that looks like it’s written by a little kid.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925002/1/Find-her-Help-her
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
[A 14 year old girl name Cynthia with long blond hair and silver eyes, wearing a black dress and black silk pants with boots and a backpack was in the middle of her adventure and was training up in the forest with her companion gabite near Twinleaf town, a nice a peaceful town that seems nothing can go wrong. ]
This is not a good sentence. It’s got basic grammar errors, like “name” for “named” and irrelevant detail – a good third of it is taken up talking about her outfit when the subject of the sentence is her location.
And on top of that, it’s not needed. You don’t need to start off by telling people where it’s set, you can start off with characters actually doing things where it’s set. You have her training her gabite. Open directly with something like that, then describe the setting from there.
Anyway, your grammar is awful. Get a beta reader.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925068/1/Caria-s-Quest
[sloppy and bad.i know ]
Then work harder instead of posting something sloppy and bad.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925095/1/Riolu-Zorua-Explorers-of-Dimension
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Your formatting is really annoying. There should be a space between each paragraph, it makes it far easier to read.
This is the same opening as every other PMD fic. Also, you’re relying far too much on dialogue for your story, you should describe things and get into the character’s head more.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925473/1/The-Doll
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Where’s daddy?” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized as one.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Banette stories have been done over and over by this point. This one isn’t even that focused – you spend most of the story on her abusive father, then finish up with the doll somehow heading off to take revenge on the girl because her father threw it out the window.
Really, there’s hundreds of pokemon. Write about others for a change.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925412/1/Pokemon-MD-Harbingers-of-Destruction
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ legens ]
Also, spellcheck is a good idea.
[ (think Nurse Joy, and you have the general idea) ]
Don’t do this.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8925503/1/leitmotif
[his corpus callosum refuses to work ]
Really? So the rest of his brain is doing just fine, it’s specifically the connection between the two hemispheres that she’s messing up?
[ She utters words like leaf blade, and frenzy plant like a laundry list ]
You’re overusing commas.
[chokes back tears that threaten to maim ]
Tears don’t maim.
[andexperienced ]
Looks like the space was eaten here. It’s a good idea to double check your italics when posting, the site does that.
[Oh, she would be absolutely disgusted by the piece of soft muscle tissue and veiny flesh ]
You are just generally trying way too hard with your words. Lungs aren’t muscle.
[ He dresses himself in a flurry of monotonous movement and results. ]
What does this even mean? He dresses himself monotonously, okay, makes sense and fits. And also it’s a flurry, despite that not being very monotonous? And somehow it’s connected to results?
[Carmine drips onto the broken asphalt below. ]
And this really smacks of you wanting the most pretentious word for red, rather than the one that best went with blood. Carmine’s not really blood colored. Especially bad because carmine is actually a thing of its own.
I like most of what you’ve written, and the sentences that don’t seem to have a word just for the sake of it being there are very good ones. Messed up Touko and obsessed Nate were done well, and the ending is a nice cap on the whole affair.
Blocked!
No reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926346/1/Burnt-to-Ashes
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten, Ash is not best friends with Gary.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Flashback:]
Don’t do this. If you need to label your flashbacks for people to realize that’s what they are, you’re writing the flashback wrong.
[Suddenly, he turned to Ash, who at the time was 5. He said, “Let this day haunt you forever young Ketchum, for Team Rocket will always be watching you.” With that he took a sack and placed it over Ash’s father’s head and dragged the protesting man out of the house. ]
If you need to completely change Ash’s background, why aren’t you just using an original character?
[ (I know I did real bad in the description so if you want to see him, it’s supposed to be Red ) ]
Or better yet, you could have not written a lot of overly detailed description of something as unimportant as the exact color of his shoes.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[ and questioned, ]
No. Questioned doesn’t mean there’s a question mark involved in the sentence. Questioning is what the police do to a suspect. It’s what a religious person does when their faith is shaken. Don’t use speech tags just for the sake of variety, if it doesn’t fit it doesn’t belong there.
[“Ash why didn’t you return Charmander, he’s a Fire type and extremely susceptible to water?” Gary asked outraged.
“…It’ll make him stronger…” Ash replied coldly. He knew that it was harsh, but he wanted his Pokemon to be able to shrug off attacks that they were bad against, and in this instance Charmander was vulnerable to the rain.]
Yes pneumonia is so well known for making you tougher.
This is also a more general issue with pokemon training. You go on to say that luckily, his charmander agrees, but he isn’t actually asking and there’s no sign he cares what his pokemon’s feeling is on the matter.
[“Pinsir return, go Metapod,” Samurai yelled though gritted teeth.
Ash snorted and swiftly said, “Thunderbolt again.”
So this is basically the story of Ash, if instead of being Ash he was a boring always-perfect sue with an angsty backstory.
…does this have any plot but repeating the show with your sue in Ash’s place?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926346/2/Burnt-to-Ashes
So yeah, it’s about your sue doing everything right, with bonus OOC Gary. If you want to write about a super perfect trainer, at least up the challenges he faces so they actually matter.
Sixteen. What the hell?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926434/1/Descent-into-the-Unown
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ghost’s can sense fear, and I’m pretty sure a Sneasel would spot movement before I could get to deeper water.]
Never use an apostrophe for a plural, and this sounds like you mean the sneasel are working with ghosts, but that really doesn’t make much sense as a partnership.
[wouldn’t of ]
Wouldn’t have.
[ Mahogany town. ]
You have to capitalize both halves of a name.
Your character is rather unlikable. He just fled desperately to escape attackers, but upon realizing he left his brother behind, he doesn’t panic and rush back out to find him. He doesn’t even feel guilty he didn’t realize his brother was missing. He just says his brother’s probably hiding somewhere else and swims deeper. Then he goes to find something to eat, planning to not even try to find his brother until the morning.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926434/2/Descent-into-the-Unown
[It’s voice ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[ it’s all I have left of mother ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[Despite her friendliness I can’t help but feel uneasy. Can you really trust a Ghost?]
You really haven’t explained why your character is so afraid of ghosts in general, actually. The ones actually around threatening him seem there on specific orders, not because the type normally likes to suck out the blood of any pokemon they catch.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926581/1/A-Battle-To-The-End
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“But what if he fails? Ho-Oh hasn’t been seen in aeons, never mind getting him to properly return to this world. It has never been done.”]
I really don’t understand what they’re arguing about here. But what if Ash fails and…things remain as they are? Why is that an argument against trying it? Either it works or they’re in the exact same position as if they hadn’t tried it.
You really need to use more commas.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I don’t know, you could fall to your DEATH!” Iris yelled, she was worried that her friend would get hurt and she didn’t want that to happen.]
You really don’t need to state the obvious. That’s already clear from her dialogue. Honestly, the whole scene has this problem – you don’t need everyone talking about the fact that going to a cliff’s edge is dangerous.
[“What good am I to anyone?” He whispered.]
Why is Ash being like this? He otherwise seems normal. Also, it’s just a bad decision, it’s really not interesting to read about someone who doesn’t realize he’s great so everyone has to stand around singing his praises for a while.
…and now Ash is being even more whiny and angsty and the characters are going on even more about how no he’s just super awesome.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926650/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Sunshine-and-Blackmoon
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
A chapter should be longer than a couple sentences.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8926937/1/Elite-4-Backstories
This is a mess. The first journal entry comes before the journal entry about being told to keep a journal.
[After I ran away, my mom apparently killed herself. My dad was caught in a drive by shooting. Suits them right, considering how selfish they were. ]
Is there a reason he’s decided to hate both his parents? Also, why is his mom being called selfish? His father at least seems to have abandoned them, but his mother was taking care of him, even if she wasn’t perfect, and she apparently killed herself over him, so…
[ I got adopted by somebody named Alder, and he seems nice. I live in Floccesy town, and the place is beautiful. I have two siblings, too. Two are younger and one is older. We train a lot. Marshal, who’s older than me, always beats me but I have no problem with Shauntal. ]
…the current elite four are made up of kids Alder raised? That makes it sound like it’d more about nepotism.
[Since that last entry, so much has changed. Alder found out everything, and like I thought he was pissed. He sent me to a boarding school until I was twenty, and there I got my act together. I came back, and I apologized to all the people I hurt. ]
What exactly was the problem in the first place with him gambling and winning lots of money by doing so?
[ I asked Alder to become a member of the Elite Four. He told me that if I could defeat the current dark-type user, then I would. ]
So yeah Alder apparently controls who gets to be in. That’s kind of a bad thing, you know. If it were just merit, he wouldn’t have to ask permission.
This backstory doesn’t seem too connected to the character. It’s just standard issue terrible childhood, then stuffing lots of connections to other canon characters in on the other half.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8927169/1/Three-AM
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[“A Tangela, ehh?” White tried to sound joking but disappointment edged in.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Bianca buried her face into White’s jacket. “I’m never going to do it again…”
“You said that with the threesome.” There was frost in her words.
“I know…”
“And the orgy.”
“I know…”
“And the one that involved the latex and the Litwick.”]
Uh. Bianca seems really upset. It doesn’t seem like the problem is that she’s out doing kinky things, it’s that she’s doing things she doesn’t actually want to do but is either pressured or outright forced into doing. If you want this to be more of a haha-sex thing, it’d make much more sense to have Bianca calling because the hookup ended as soon as he suggested a tangela be involved.
Seriously, it reads as rape. It’s disturbing.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8927675/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Talon-s-Story
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This seems rather rushed. You don’t really develop the situation much, you just throw in a quick mention that life is hard so he stole something and then he’s in prison.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8927675/2/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Talon-s-Story
[He thought as he observed a seviper in front of him get a serving of ‘s belly growled. ]
What? Proofread.
For someone who apparently lives a hard life, he sure seems like a wuss. He’s terrified of all the other prisoners even when they’re barely doing anything.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8927675/3/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Talon-s-Story
This is decent enough at showing the group’s character, but it’s not doing anything to progress the plot. You should try to find a balance.
Four.