Snippets and prophecies.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928071/1/The-Guardians-Rise
[Me and Kayla walk out of the Kanto regions number one ranger school. ]
It’s “Kayla and I”. You can tell because the sentence should still be right if you remove the other person, and “Me walk out” is not right.
It should be “region’s”. Apostrophe for possessives.
[ I look down at sandslash, my partner pokemon, then at ninetales, Kayla’s partner pokemon. ]
It’s Sandslash and Ninetales. You’re using it as the character’s name here. They might later meet a bunch of sandslash and ninetales who aren’t Sandslash and Ninetales, their particular partners.
[only aloud to gather ]
Allowed. Aloud means out loud.
[“Lets go” She replies ]
Let’s, it’s short for “let us”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
All sentences need to end in some punctuation, not just some of them.
Don’t switch POVs like that. If you really want to go in and out of different character’s heads, write in third person instead.
[“We believe that it is up to you two to stop this disaster. The other pokemon guardians aren’t accepting rangers and trainers around. You two have the most hope of all. ]
This isn’t particularly clear. It seems they’re certain that every other person would be rejected and somehow that these two people won’t be, but vague statements about hope don’t really explain that. You need a clearer reason, like that one of the legendaries somehow indicated they wanted the two of them and no one else. Or, you could just have everyone sent out to try and only these two succeed, which would make a lot more sense.
[Will they take that challenge or not!? ]
This is really a dumb question to ask. All it’s accomplished is making me think a story where they refused would probably be a nice twist.
Not like the best twist ever, but you could do some cool stuff. Having someone actually be reluctant about going off to do insanely dangerous stuff because unexplained prophecy says so would make so much sense. And it’d be nice to have the destined hero be a selfish coward and someone else set off to do it because it needs to be done rather than because a poem says they do.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928071/2/The-Guardians-Rise
[“Listen! There was a bad oil spill at the lake near the exit to the city!” I explain pointing in the general direction. “The winds are blowing from the north too. If we can just keep everyone calm and try to clean the oil spill-”
“Maybe suicune will come! Especially since everything’s all out of whack.” Kayla finishes]
How incredibly convenient.
[“Well… This world will be no more in a matter of time. We don’t want such strength gone to waste!” The other one said in a convincing tone.]
This really seems like the sort of thing you should try to find out more about, rather than just yelling that they’re jerks and starting a fight.
[ If you wont hand suicune over we’ll just half to take it! ]
Won’t. Have. Your grammar is atrocious.
[The Battle]
Don’t do this. You shouldn’t need to label sections for people to tell what’s going on.
[“Darn we didn’t get to speak to it” I spoke to soon.
Just as Michele opened her mouth to agree it came bounding back and stood in front of us.]
You’ve completely failed to show what makes them the only two capable of handling this. Everything they did so far seems like something any ranger could do. They don’t even seem particularly caring about Suicune given that they’re defending the legendaries in part because their world is coming apart as a result of the attacks. What about them makes them worthy of being the designated heroes? They couldn’t even figure out a way to find Suicune, they needed an out of nowhere oil spill to do it.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928393/1/Revenge-or-Justice
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ Mark was a very large young man, at least 6 feet tall ]
This is much smoother than giving your other character’s heights to the exact inch.
[Stop being a faggot to everyone! ]
This is not really a good way to make your character look like he’s on the side of angels.
But why hasn’t Will battled before? You don’t give any explanation about that. This isn’t like someone secretly being a blackbelt in karate but never getting into schoolyard fights before, battling other trainers is a major part of training pokemon.
[“He passed on his techniques to me when I first caught Riolu. So what I did was put heaps of Effort Values into Riolu’s already high attack and speed.”]
This sounds so painfully unnatural. “Effort Values” don’t exist. They’re a game mechanic measuring how many points you can add to the number determining a pokemon’s stat. If he has a flesh and blood riolu, he didn’t put more points into certain stats, he had it practice to further improve areas it’s naturally skilled in.
The general shape of this story is decent, but the execution is somewhat lacking.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928559/1/Decieving-A-Dark-Heart
[Unless he was to make a profit, he cared not for anyone but himself. ]
So…when it came to making profits, he cared about everyone?
[He was too busy contemplating the overthrow of someone he knew. the CEO of the corporation he was vice-president of. ]
That period in the middle looks like it’s meant to be a comma.
This really doesn’t seem like it’s a pokemon story. It’s just your standard devil morality play.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928745/1/The-Shadows-Amung-Us
Your title is misspelled.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.
This is cute but really doesn’t seem like it makes any sense for Wes’ character. It’d have worked a lot better to use someone else.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928833/1/eye-for-beauty
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Eh, this is just a snippet of a standard grimdark dystopia. You write it well enough, but it’s not long enough to develop the characters much or show enough of the setting to work.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928984/1/A-Hundred-Themes-Challenge-Pokemon-Crystal-Version
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is written nicely but it’s really short for an actual chapter of its own. It’d work much better at the top of a longer chapter.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8928985/1/Team-Skull-gets-taught-a-lesson
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.
And eh, it’s mostly a battle There’s no real tension to it because you make it obvious the good guys will win and don’t write it seriously enough for there to be any other concern. Plus, you barely describe what’s going on, you’re overusing dialogue to do the work your narration should be doing.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8929143/1/A-Pokemon-creepypasta
Capitalize your title properly.
Stop sticking capital letters everywhere, it’s really annoying. And stop hitting enter at random points to start a new paragraph. And run spellcheck. This fic is a disaster.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8929257/1/Greysent-A-Dark-Refrain
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the stories dad had told me ]
Conversely, it’s Dad because it’s being used in place of a name here.
[The large dragon was dragging the Mightyena, who was kicking and screaming.
Though I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, I felt anger burning in my stomach. Whoever this dragon was, there was something wrong with what he was doing.]
Why? You just said that he’s out right now because it’s a hunt, even if he doesn’t think actually catching something really matters at the moment because his family already has food. So why would another pokemon hunting somehow be inherently wrong?
[“I don’t know what you’re doing, but you can’t treat people like that,” I said, nodding to his victim. ]
And what prey does this arcanine hunt that isn’t “people”?
[In the corner of my eye, I could see the Mightyena—a girl—still there, watching the battle, horrorstruck by the seeming outcome.]
I like how you establish her gender at the same time as you establish her as totally useless and relying on him to save them both.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8929257/2/Greysent-A-Dark-Refrain
And now for some reason this chapter revolves around him thanking her for saving him by getting him home after he gets torn up saving her, because that’s equally if not more impressive.
[“Th—thanks, Sera,” I began nervously. “Thank you… for saving my life.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said somewhat aloofly. “Someone’s got to babysit a pup like you.”]
So she’s not just a damsel in distress! She’s also inexplicably spunky after being one, because why write a consistent character when you can just pick female stereotypes out of a hat for each scene.
It’s like one of the really bad animes.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8929475/1/Three-Cheers-for-Closure-Pikachu
Your grammar is horrible. Get a beta reader.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8930559/1/Keeper-Series-Book-1-The-Egg-of-Destiny
[That egg hatched into Arceus. Arceus created… well, you know the story. ]
Oh thank god I was bracing for another recital.
This is written decently but it’s falling into the usual thing of having the legendaries be basically human royalty all living in one big extended family, which just isn’t very interesting. Neither are prophesies that serve to just outline the future plot. The egg’s appearance is creepy and it’d probably have been better to just focus on the situation and maybe develop the legendaries more with a focus on their being gods, rather than on Dialga running around to chat with everyone and the most description in here being about the fact Arceus has a throne and Dialga is a king’s relative, rather than a god’s creation.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/1/The-Life-of-Ikey
This person contacted me to ask me to review. I’d skipped it originally due to the humor label.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, really rushed and shouldn’t all be one paragraph. I’m not sure this is even needed, since it’s basically the summary of how a character got from point a to point b and it’s very rare for a story to need that rather than just starting off with the character at point b and filling in anything missing from there.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/2/The-Life-of-Ikey
[Since the Rockets were probably looking for me, I kept my distance from any other pokemon or human that may have noticed me. I just simply grabbed food when a chef was looking away. ]
How is your character moving about in a city, then? They’re generally populated areas.
Don’t put author’s notes in your story.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[you are a level 10 Ice Type eevee. ]
That doesn’t really make sense and just sounds very sueish. What’s the point of being a weirdly typed eevee? Eevee are already a pokemon that evolves into lots of different types. It seems like it’s just there to make the character seem extra special. Plus, how would an ordinary trainer find this out? It’s not a normal typing, so I’d expect at least that the guy would want to have such a weird pokemon checked out at a pokecenter first.
Anyway, now it’s just training stuff, which isn’t particularly interesting, and you’re really not developing the character much – they didn’t want to be captured and were avoiding people, now they’re captured and fine going along with being trained. They don’t seem to have any real opinions or feelings – they barely even feel pain at battling, let alone stuff like fear or anger.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/3/The-Life-of-Ikey
[After defeating all the gym trainers]
You can just put that in the narration normally rather than using it as a scene label.
[beleived ]
Sellcheck.
Battles just aren’t inherently interesting. They’re actually kind of hard to write giving that the average trainer battle has very low stakes, as losing just means coming back after the pokemon are healed. You could focus on the difficulty the pokemon go through – losing for them means having to get beaten up again – as well as conflict between what the pokemon thinks is a good idea and what the trainer’s orders are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/6/The-Life-of-Ikey
[“Okay guys, spread out and attack anything you see. Come back in 3 hours. I’ll check on you guys every once in a while,” Daniel told us. ]
It doesn’t seem clear what a trainer’s actually good for here. Pokemon could easily do that sort of training on their own.
You really need to figure out a way to make your battles more suspenseful. Even introducing an enemy out of their ability range here doesn’t do it, because there’s just no sense things could go wrong and you write about the whole thing too mechanically – there’s no sense that your character is personally scared or struggling.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/7/The-Life-of-Ikey
Do you really need to switch POVs? It’s annoying.
[Seems like physical attacks wont work on this. Let’s go for flamethrower. “Alright, now use Flamethrower!” ]
Won’t.
Try to avoid having a character think something and then say it. You can cut out the thought about using flamethrower because once he says the move, it’s obvious he must have thought that.
[“Muk, dodge it!” Buffy yelled, knowing that the hit would be an one hit knockout. ]
Muk aren’t particularly fragile nor are they weak to fire moves, so this doesn’t really make sense.
[After knocking out 4 wild pokemon ]
Why can he just wander around beating everything he comes across? He’s not particularly high level yet or particularly experienced by any other metric. He shouldn’t be easily able to beat other pokemon.
The bit about shaking/nodding his head is an interesting idea, but it doesn’t really work well because otherwise you’ve been writing him as a pretty normal pokemon rather than as generally messed up from his time with Team Rocket. You should get into his head more and show that, and then it’d be easier to understand when he does things like nodding for no.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8623957/8/The-Life-of-Ikey
[“Alright, if I win this battle, you pay for the walls. ]
Well, that’s some sort of stake. You really need to develop your character a lot more for that to be a concern, though – there’s no sign of how much money he has or if this is something that’d actually matter to him. He doesn’t react to this by wondering if it were such a good idea to bust through the walls after all. There’s just no real sign it matters to him, which makes it hard to view it as mattering in the story.
Anyway. You have a lot of typos throughout this and really need to proofread better.