Some interesting ones today.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8930722/1/Children-of-Arceus
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
I really don’t see the point in writing about Ash, except instead of the character it’s your own version, one who has the few flaws that make Ash a halfway interesting character removed. Just write about your own trainer if that’s what you want.
The legendaries aren’t a group of humans who consult all the time and it’s really boring to use them like that.
Fourteen. I don’t know what’s more baffling, that there’s so many people doing these or so many reviewing them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931021/1/Illusions-of-a-Dream
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[My bother has never trusted humans again and I have been weary of them myself as well, however I can’t bring my self to believe that they are all as vile monsters as team plasma was, and thus to complete the tradition of the quest for the coming of age ceremony I have chosen a to fallow a very similar tradition followed by humans when they come of age, I have decided to use my Skills in illusion to make my self human and become a trainer! ]
Weary means tired. Myself is a single word. Team Plasma would be an example of a thing you capitalize because it’s a name. It doesn’t make much sense for them to be thinking in such terms either – they don’t know anything about humans, so why would they think that Plasma represents a unified group as opposed to a random set of people? Fallow is what an unplanted field is, you mean follow. Skills isn’t capitalized. Becoming a trainer means attacking, capturing and ordering around other pokemon, why wouldn’t a character just look human and travel around normally?
Your formatting is bad, you should have a space between paragraphs.
As an aside, the backstory of the two male characters is that they and their mothers were captured and their mothers died. They are mentioning this to the elder of their group, who is male. There are two friends, one female, and she’s the only female character in the whole chapter. Her contribution is to worry about the male main character’s safety. It’s interesting the things you notice.
Anyway, yet another of the occasional pokemon-is-a-trainer stories which, like most, doesn’t seem to address the core issue.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931133/1/Pokemon-The-Ultimate-Tale
…you know what? No. Another Ash is a sue fic. I’m going to be ignoring their plots from now on.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place. And don’t use stated at all.
Thirty-six.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931220/1/Iridescent
There should be a space between paragraphs.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I know, but still, going to the Trainer School might be good for you, you can make friends and get your mind of the past and future,” Nike said, floating off my head and standing in front of me.
“And then my friends will die, just like all the others,” I said wistfully, turning my head away from the Victory Pokemon.
“Don’t think like that, it’s good for you to make friends! Remember Donald and Aiden and Marvin?” Nike replied.
“I had to supress Donald’s memories of me and the things we did together because if he remembered me his brain would explode and he would die. Aiden comitted suicide because he was supposed to die, but I saved his life and he figured out he was supposed to die in Almia so he made sure time stayed as close as possible to how it was supposed to be. Mrvin was forced to become a soldier because of how much he missed being with me and got killed in battle,” I replied fluidly. Nike frowned at me.
“What about Ross?” he asked quietly. I felt my heart ache at the mention of Ross.
“Ross is trapped in another diminsion because I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save the one thing that was most important to me and now he is gone. Forever,” I snapped bitterly. ]
I lost the ability to care at brain explode. Too much angst just looks stupid. Also, spellcheck, it’s not optional.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
Four. In a change from the unusual implied review whoring, this one explicitly says you must review or they won’t use your character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931363/1/Hope
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A normal Delcatty wouldn’t have made it more than a couple inches before collapsing, but this Delcatty wasn’t a normal one. He was stronger than most, due to his hybridization ]
I really don’t see the point in this. It’s not like it’s necessary for explaining how the delcatty manages this, since you’re the one who invented the fact a normal one couldn’t in the first place. And it’s hardly original – at this point, special snowflake pokemon outnumber the regular ones.
Well, this is a different opening that usual, at least, and it is nice to see things happening in the first chapter.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931489/1/Seth-s-Story
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Generally, try harder.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8931797/1/Fading-Away
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Anyway, I like your take on the game thing, how they’re getting dragged through the generations, and particularly Red atop Mt. Silver and his concern for his pokemon. It really grounds it and makes it feel more like these are real people getting jerked around by the game, rather than just the weird life of being a game construct.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8932164/1/Moemon-Three-secrets
[It has been a week since Michael’s family moved to the World of Pokémon. Growing up he learned that Pokémon was just a game, unaware that it was real elsewhere.]
You really have to explain this a bit further. “We just moved to a previously thought to be fictional country” is not something you can just drop in as if it’s a minor detail. If it’s not the main point of your story, then why even bother including something so huge?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I’m see you’re excited ]
Sure, I think. Proofread.
[“But, she’s a girl, in a Pokéball, like what you carry around on your belt, and she has to battle, and be a Pokémon, with a bunch of other Pokémon in the same party, with one trainer, any trainer, who can catch girls with Pokéballs, and do whatever they want with them, and it’s a girl in a Pokéball, with me all the time. ]
It’s always weird to see people suddenly develop a sense of ethics based on the fact something looks human. Being able to do “whatever you want with them” is fine when it looks like a lizard, but sticking your dick in them suddenly becomes wrong if it looks more human? Or maybe it’s the part where they can talk and tell other people what you’re doing that’s creeping him out so much.
[“No, this is just wrong. These are supposed to be animals. This is just slavery!” Michael exclaimed.
“You should think of it as a friendship then, or partnership, or maybe even as lovers,” Elm said.
“It’ll be a forced relationship, no better than rape!”
“Words like rape and slavery only applies to humans,” Professor Elm said.]
Your character continues to not see anything wrong with raping things that don’t look like humans. Unless this is meant to be pointing out that he was never really thinking about the subject before and this is all meant to highlight the general problem by putting a cute, guilt-inducing face on it, it’s hard to really get engaged in the morality of something only being wrong if it looks like you.
It would actually be quite interesting to do something with an our-world trainer going in with the typical wish-fulfillment assumptions and then realizing this sort of thing as they go. Making the pokemon capable of speech does a lot more for this issue than looking like furry girls, I think, which is why it’s such a disappointment that stories use talking pokemon just to make them cheerleaders. That’s why in Lucki the absol speaks on her own, rather than with a translator, it sets her apart from the rest of Lucki’s pokemon who up to that point use their speaking ability in accordance with fanfic norms.
Also, I’d like to see something like a more technologically focused story about the results of introducing a translator to the existing pokeworld.
Also, maybe something about different stages of pokemon having different intelligence? Like baby pokemon are little kids. Little kids are basically just dogs that have opposable thumbs. People just get thrown off by the fact they have a throat capable of making people-sounds while dogs can only bark. Combine with a setting where evolved pokemon are really rare and it’d be really understandable how the average person would think they were just regular animals.
But I’m pretty sure the story’s just going to involve him fucking his pet. Probably not until she evolves, though. I mean, sex with a baby pokemon is obviously wrong, you need to wait until they’re of legal level before ordering them to have sex with you.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8932732/1/Mystery-Dungeon-Time-Crisis
[“And, it’s gone. Shame.” The man added. ]
You’re mostly writing dialogue correctly, but here you’re got a period and a capital T. You have a number of similar errors throughout this, you should proofread better.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ How would that even work?” the human speculated. ]
Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place, and never outright wrong, like saying someone’s speculating when rather than suggesting ideas they’re baffled by what’s going on.
Anyway, this is really, really slow paced, and what you are writing is repeating the games, which in turn has also been repeated by almost every fanfic set in this area of canon. If you absolutely must include it, you could at least move more quickly.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8932845/1/Sound-Mind-Strong-Heart-Solemn-Soul
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ suffering from ignoring the itching sensation ]
So the itching sensation isn’t the problem, only ignoring it?
…so for some reason he suddenly is somewhere else and falling and explodes into gore, then he’s back and the skarmory explodes him into gore a different way? What was the point of the first time, then?
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933090/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Flight-Into-Dimensions
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Sentences always end in punctuation, not just sometimes.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[*Elsewhere*]
Stop doing this. You should be able to make your location changes clear in your writing without using labels.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933095/1/Leon-s-Kanto-Adventure
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
You should slow down and spend more time describing what’s happening. What does it look like when his charmander is attacking the zubat? How does he feel when he sees Team Rocket? What does the egg feel like?
Three reviews. Check them out, I can’t decide if I’m pleased or horrified.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933155/1/Kanto-Adventures-Legacy-Rejected
Write out numbers with letters.
[In this universe, a young man or woman must be at least age 16 to apply for a trainer license ]
Nope. We know how difficult it is to be a trainer and we know kids of ten can handle it because we see that. Saying that in your story, sixteen year olds will be facing down trials ten year olds can handle, is saying that in your story, things will be very boring.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[the small red and white capsule that contained it. ]
[who like most Pokémon had their ability of speech limited to a range of sounds based on their name. ]
You’re wasting a lot of words on things any reader already knows and doesn’t need to hear about.
[“Ah,” he said as he looked in the direction of Atticus. “You must have been impressed by my Pokémon’s glorious display and came running in the general direction to catch a glimpse up close.”
Taken back by this pompous young man’s arrogant speech patterns, Atticus was initially at a loss for words]
You realize his speech patterns are identical to how you’re writing everything, right? And why would your trainer care about calling his speech patterns arrogant when his actual direct statement is arrogant?
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[The Shadow Ball passed right through Eevee as the Evolution Pokémon leapt back into the ground from which it came ]
Why? What was the point of all this? Your character is using a move that, when deflected, won’t hit his pokemon, so why is the eevee dodging anyway instead of taking this moment to hit the pikachu with another attack? If this is the plan, he might as well have called the attack off as soon as he heard the other trainer meant to deflect it.
Your battle is detailed, but just doesn’t seem organic.
The pidgey capture is a good one, though, it’s nice to see someone taking advantage of an already injured pokemon rather than going the typical route.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933155/2/Kanto-Adventures-Legacy-Rejected
Well, that was contrived. Someone steals a pokemon, so you give another pokemon to them to get it back? And [“Would you be wanting your Squirtle back?” asked the now proud young trainer.
“Oh heavens no, Atticus. I’ve given it some thought, and I’ve concluded that there’s no better trainer to protect one of my precious, rare Pokémon than you!”] – then why does he even care the first one’s stolen? There’s no sign the thief is abusive, if that was his concern, and no sign Atticus isn’t abusive for that matter. And there’s still a third pokemon that he’s carrying and is at risk of being stolen, so it hasn’t resolved that issue either!
The battle agreement is similarly nonsensical. Why would she agree to three on three instead of a winner take all, and along the same lines, why did she say she’d take one pokemon if she won rather than all of them? Why even make it an agreement as if it’d be honored instead of just stealing the pokemon because as soon as they’re knocked out they won’t be able to stop her?
You jump into the pokemon’s heads a bit here, and even have them thinking thoughts just like a human, but you still have them acting just as extensions of their trainers, rather than with opinions of their own. Why does the pidgey care if Atticus knows what he’s doing? It doesn’t have any investment in the battle, and it should be perfectly capable of using moves on its own to battle however it wants.
Also, for some reason you’re italicizing the entire paragraph every time you have a character think.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933302/1/How-Stella-got-Lulu
[ Lu lu ]
Shouldn’t have a space there.
[like saturns rings ]
Saturn’s, capital letter for the name, apostrophe for possessive.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.
[ looekdat ]
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933409/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-Defender-s-Start
[ in english ]
It’s “English”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Definantly!]
Spellcheck.
[ up stairs ]
One word.
Write out numbers with letters.
[“The symbols on my face actually say “hate and love” in Japanese ]
How sueish.
Well, that didn’t really go anywhere. You have things happen, but don’t give context for them, then suddenly end.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933467/1/Baby-Pokemon
[route 1 ]
Is the name of the route, so Route 1, capitalized.
Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Mom had died when I was sick, when an angry Tauros had attacked and had trampled my mom, breaking her ribs, which had pierced her heart. ]
Look, just write an OC if that’s what you want to do.
Twelve. What the fuck again.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8933590/1/Nothing-to-Lose
[team mates ]
One word.
[there own ]
Their.
[ the stains at the tips were forever etched into the seams. ]
Stains don’t etch and tips are a different part than seams. Don’t use words if you don’t know what they mean.
This isn’t really well developed. You just have him getting killed out of nowhere and shocked Rui’s crying and that’s it. There’s not really enough context behind it and so it comes off as a rather generic deathfic.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934077/1/The-Human-Dispute
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Why isn’t equality one of the positions? You have one saying pokemon should boss around humans, one saying things are fine as they are (which, for all it’s called working together, clearly involves the humans bossing around the pokemon) and one for removing the evil humans. In fact, why is removing the evil humans even a point of debate? That seems like a no-brainer.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ I will release 3 starter Pokémon so that they may judge humans for us. They will have 10 years to train and get to know humans.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to just ask existing pokemon? If you must do something where the fate of the world hinges on three pokemon, you could at least say they’re going to do it with current pokemon – starters are given out all the time, so they could go ask whatever set has been with humans for ten years. You can then start telling the story from the beginning of the journey ten years ago, it’s not like you can’t jump around in time when writing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934254/1/The-Forgotten-Master
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t stick notes in the middle of your story.
[He threw out a bluish PokéBall and called out the name of his Pokémon. “Come on out, Rayquaza.” The giant dragon-type roared as it towered over the group before looking down at its master and his mate. It snorted before leaning down to his face and rubbed its snout against his body. Kiactu pet the giant lizard on said snout and recalled his Pokémon. “It’s a shiny,” Delia gasped. ]
Well this is exceptionally sueish even for the usual ridiculousness of these fics.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934292/1/Ridge-Racers-The-Final-Battle
There’s a separate section for crossovers and if something doesn’t have a category you put it in Misc.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934550/1/Pokemon-Kanto-Journey
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I understand you’re looking for Oak. You can use these pokémon to work your way to Viridian then give them to Oak when you get your starter pokémon. I’ll be seeing you soon.” The assistant said as he gave each trainer a pokémon. He gave Chris an Eevee, Alex a Rattata, and Katie a Pidgey. ]
This is painfully stupid. You just gave them pokemon so they could go get pokemon. Why didn’t the guy just give them their choice of starters? Also wow, you can really see which character is the sue and which are his hangers on there.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934746/1/Descendants-of-Mu
[The bluing sky from the birthing sun gave attention to the span of the environment ]
The what. Birthing means giving birth, not being born, and I don’t see why the sky would be paying attention to the environment. It’s more important to be correct than flowery.
[ it’s massive form ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[a herd of Onyx ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, it’s onix, not onyx.
Well, that’s definitely a different setting than usual, and it does sound impressively bleak.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8934746/2/Descendants-of-Mu
[The previous day they were lucky for reaching the end of the valley between the peaks, but at the cost of one of their own as the next previous moments revealed by the screams of a woman in the camp. She knew that once one of the settlers was lost, there would be no finding them as the snow formed a tomb around their weakened bodies and gave them death quicker, nature’s burial if you will. Anyone surviving the cold was a miracle, and she was blessed with just a scar on her hand from the frostbite and no memories, as she was very young. ]
This is incoherent. At a guess, when they reached camp, a woman noticed someone was missing and screamed. That’s not even close to what you actually wrote, though.
This is an interesting idea, but your execution is horrible. Focus on writing clearly instead of whatever else you’re trying to do.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935053/1/To-the-Ferris-Wheel
Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935196/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Kingdoms
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Well, this is weird. I’m having a lot of trouble making sense of the color thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935196/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-Kingdoms
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935196/4/Pok%C3%A9mon-Kingdoms
And yeah, still pretty weird and I’m not sure where things are going. You’ve spent a lot of time just on the kids hanging out at the temple and their own petty issues – was all of that necessary? Then this chapter is mostly poem. I still have no real idea what’s going on with your setting. And why do people even still live in an area that’s widely understood to be cursed and terrible?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935550/1/Subject-to-Torment
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[It reminded me of frozen icicles which makes sense because his natural body temperature was 70 degrees Fahrenheit. ]
Not really, that’s still well above freezing.
Why aren’t they kept in individual cages? Or at least not mixed sex cages of all things.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“What time is it?” I questioned. ]
Questioned doesn’t mean just ask a question. Don’t use words you don’t know.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[This place was free of error. Anything that was an error or caused an error was gone. Just like the clouds that race across the sky. ]
That doesn’t make any sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8935550/2/Subject-to-Torment
[These aren’t our real names though. We can’t remember our real names so we just named each other. ]
Five year olds can remember their names. Seven year olds definitely can. If they hate the scientists and their labels so much, why would they forget their real names and name themselves based on what was done to them?
[ truculent tests ]
Seriously. Don’t use words if you don’t know what they mean.
This really doesn’t make any sense for tests. If you want to see if a kid’s immune to fire, you hold a match under their hand, not put them in a room of flamethrowers. Making things ridiculous and stupid makes it impossible to care about anything, because you’re making it obvious this isn’t real or even based on something that could be real, it’s just over the top misery for the sake of it. It’s not like existing scientific testing doesn’t involve actual horrible things that could kill the kids you could use rather than flamethrower rooms.
For an example of real life testing, to test nerve sensitivity they have a laser going against glass. What happens is that you’ll suddenly feel heat and jerk your hand away. The quicker you do, the more sensitive your nerves are. There’s no damage done to your hand and it isn’t even painful – it’s triggering the instinctive flinch away from heat you do in advance of an actual burn.
I would expect anything that involved kidnapping children to have greater concern about unnecessary murdering of their test subjects than something involving rats.
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8936353/1/Across-a-Sea-of-Stars
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.
One.
“I lost the ability to care at brain explode. Too much angst just looks stupid.”
Just so you know, at least 75% of that paragraph is stolen from the plot of Doctor Who. The original characters were all women, but since I can’t tell the gender of the narrator of this fic I’m not sure whether or not that’s something worth begrudging.
Wait yeah, looking at the names it’s all four of them. I was confused because Martha doesn’t die. She does become a soldier of sorts, which the Doctor isn’t too happy about because of his somewhat hypocritical hatred of guns. Since the names are so similar, I’m guessing the author is going for “homage”.
I’m going with ripoff, they must have thought it was cool when the show did it and not realized that giving it to a character as backstory doesn’t make their character cool too.
Sorry for missing the point, Farla, but what do the numbers at the end of the reviews mean? :)
It’s number of reviews. As you can see, people don’t get many these days (unless they’re writing Ashsue and his harem).
Amount of reviews each story has
Thanks :)
Your character continues to not see anything wrong with raping things
that don’t look like humans. Unless this is meant to be pointing out
that he was never really thinking about the subject before and this is
all meant to highlight the general problem by putting a cute,
guilt-inducing face on it, it’s hard to really get engaged in the
morality of something only being wrong if it looks like you.
I’d think he simply assumed raping your Pokémon was illegal until Professor Oak cheerfully suggested the possibility of your Pokémon becoming your lover. There’s no indication that he wouldn’t have been horrified by the rape of animal-like Pokémon, since presumably he had the same Pokémon canon we do, where the trainer/Pokémon relationship is never portrayed in a romantic or sexual way.
I’m inclined to read that fic as a critique of the phenomenon, but then again I have a history of reading things too charitably.
He brings it up first with his “any trainer, who can catch girls with Pokéballs, and do whatever they want with them” bit, prompting Oak’s response. So as soon as he sees they’re girls, the fact you could do anything to them becomes a problem to him.
That said, I’d really like to believe that it’s making them look human to make a point about intelligent creatures being property. It’s just it’s mostly coming at the issue from the standpoint that intelligent creatures that look like humans being property is creepy, and since this is using the “moemon” thing I can’t rule out that the real moral will be that pokemon really do love doing whatever you want.
Hey, it’s the author. I just found out about this site. What really
got me interested is the bold text not found on the review on FF.net.
This
fic was supposed to have deconstructive qualities. Since you review so
many stories, you might be more familiar with the “moemon” phenomena
than I am.
The main character is suppose to be a
somewhat flawed human, in the sense in that he’s average and pron to the
typical moral and intellectual mistakes of a normal person.
I just looked at your story and the second chapter is him chatting with his slavegirl rather than declaring he will try to do something about institutionalized child rape. If you expect me to think he’s “somewhat flawed” and “average” he has a much higher benchmark to clear than holding off on fucking his crying child slave for a little while.
In the second chapter he is still in shock. He eventually come to his decisions with emotional reasoning. He is a very self-righteous character in all, but that doesn’t mean he always is on the right side. He makes bad decisions, but ultimately improves the world on sheer happenstance. I haven’t gotten that far in the story.
His “chatting with his slavegirl” is a result of him thinking of her as a equal human. You manage to twist one of his few good traits into something bad.
It’s pretty easy to take a stand against something and declare it all wrong, but then all one can do is abstain from such and allow evil to continue. I tried writing a story with a character that actually tries to deal with ending this dystopia, but it ended up being all over the place.
“crying child” is quite misleading. “Quite young” was ambiguous on my part, and many moemon writer have children as the moemon(which is sort of sick), but I never meant for her to be a child.
She does cry in chapter 3 though, but for completely unrelated reasons than what is implied here.
I don’t know if you read many moemon stories, because it would be very weird if your first moemon review was on a deconstruction.
I’m not twisting anything, your character is horrible and you seem to think that as long as you can strawmen up someone even worse that makes him a good guy. He’s not. He’s someone who’s so “shocked” to hear he has a child slave that he chats with her about if the legendaries have any fuckable parts too then nearly rapes her, which in your mind is apparently how you talk to equal humans, or at least “equal” girl humans, but he’s not a bad guy because he’s not into fucking crying terrified girls. Besides, it was an easy mistake to make, right? I mean he only knew she’s his slave brainwashed to obey humans, it’s so hard to realize maybe there’s some consent issues here.
How many of his pokemon that he totally respects as people has he not stuck his dick in by the current chapter?
Not considering him the good guy is a totally reasonable response. I could go listing his actually “sins” that many readers would miss. One guy congratulated how I handled the whole “slavery” concept by him allowing his moemon to leave, but that reviewer probably missed the detail that he manipulated them without realizing it.
Deciding not to have sex after a girl asks you isn’t “nearly raping.”. You’re a pretty big fan of exaggeration.
She’s not a child, but that was a lack of clarification on my end.
Also, zero is the answer to your question. I do not reject the “bad guy” interpretation.
She’s not exaggerating anything. Ethically speaking, having sex with someone you legally own, whether they say “no” or not, is rape (there MAY be exceptions to this, at least in fanfic land, but they are exceptions, and this is the rule). Almost having sex with your slave and only stopping because they explicitly tell you to stop is almost raping someone.
If this is a deconstruction, I’m wondering why the plan is to have the villain protagonist (?) solve the slavery problem and thereby be validated by narrative. Or have I misinterpretted your comments about where the fic is headed?
“Almost having sex with your slave and only stopping because they explicitly tell you to stop is almost raping someone.”
What story are you reading? That specifically does not happen. He stopped as soon as he noticed she wasn’t ready. She didn’t even need to say no. It wasn’t even close to sex scene(Clothes still on, no inappropriate touching, plus he clearly had no motivation to do anything.)
There’s quit a difference between one of the most horrendous crimes in nature and two people getting nervous and talking through it like responsible adults.
The protagonist was made with deconstruction in mind. In comparison, he is saintly compared with other characters from other stories. The direction of the story is somewhat secret(but as of the current chapter, he’s in a laser-guided karma situation.), but he will figure out everything he did wrong.
I don’t really suggest reading my story without reading others like it since it’s a direct deconstruction. Honestly, you can guess what they are like and be right about most of them.
This story in particular is on haitus and I need to think a lot over before I continue.
Look, if you want to write a story about furry slaves banging your self-insert, just cop to it. This isn’t a “deconstruction,” it’s porn, and it’s rape porn. If that’s your kink, fine, but trying to argue that it’s something else is just disgusting.
I tried to give you to benefit of the doubt, as your grasp of English doesn’t seem the best, but when eight chapters in it was still a sex fantasy I quit.
Still no sex by the eight chapter(and I think there was a death in that chapter). I think the first actual scene with sex was chapter 10. If you’re going to berate me, do so accurately.
Also “furry?” I got a complaint it wasn’t “furry.”
So your defense now is, “It can’t possibly be a sex fantasy because there’s no on-screen PIV sex?” And there is no way I am going to explain furries to you. Use Google, you’d probably enjoy it.
Aside, thank GOD I stopped where I did. Unnaturally busty slave girls throwing themselves at the SI was disturbing enough without an underage sex scene.
I’ve had enough words put into a my mouth for today. I’m not opposing the premise of a sex fantasy. This is a deconstruction where consequences extend long pass the events. Maybe you would have like “and next day I found out I had a STD” type of instant consequence but I’m a bit more patient.
Gijinka is not furry, and there is nothing wrong with furry even if this was furry.
Hi there. I just finished reading your story. I wanted to see if you were being misrepresented and if your story actually was a deconstruction, and what I found was incredibly disappointing.
A good deconstruction only works if you don’t spend the entire story validating Michael’s actions. The few times he bothers to consider that what he’s doing is ethically wrong, you immediately have someone come in and assure him that compared to other people, he’s ethical, so it’s okay for him to continue and to escalate his actions. The moment it looks like there might be conflict or that Michael might actually tread into seriously unethical territory, you quickly remove the conflict and do away with any actual consequences to his actions (eg when Ella is no longer able to fight, rather than having Micheal abandon her, you have Ella beg him to leave her behind. eg. Aerie openly states she hates Michael and chooses to leave when given the choice, but she returns and has sex with him. eg. every single Pokemon girl spends a large amount of time begging Michael for sex and agreeing to every sex act he’s into rather than exploring him abusing his power as Trainer).
Past the halfway point, your story entirely drops all attempts at being a deconstruction of any kind. It’s just porn, battles, porn, battles, sexist conversation, and then more porn. And none of the porn is even important to the story which is the real crime in my eyes. You could do so much with it to show how Michael is a hypocrite who claims to be horrified by slavery but who then quickly accepts this fucked up society and becomes as much of a monster as the other people in it, but instead it’s just an endless parade of sex acts that don’t even have any notable connection to the girls they’re happening with. Even Michael’s sister, who is also from a society where slavery doesn’t exist, seems to immediately embrace the idea of keeping sapient humanoid creatures and has no objections to Michael using his pokemon as sex slaves. All she does is take them on a shopping trip where they have some incredibly sexist conversations.
My advice would be to drop Moemon. The subject of slavery, particularly sexual slavery, is a weighty one and this story doesn’t handle it well at all. You keep saying that your deconstruction is going to have consequences, but consequences don’t just happen in the last chapter of a story. There needs to be a set-up leading towards it, a constant build that the reader can see even if the protagonist can’t. You drop any and all attempts at worldbuilding past the 5th chapter and you don’t mention any sort of moral dilemmas past the 13th. The plot is incredibly generic so far, and unless the twist is that Michael’s grandfather had a hand in enslaving the pokemon species, I can’t see how it’s going to actually matter.
If you don’t drop Moemon, I suggest you end the story by having all of the pokemon rise up and lead a revolution against the humans that ends with the execution of all who enslaved and raped their kind and forced them to fight to the death. Also Bubbles should give herself a real name because she deserves to be more than just a joke.
I stopped writing at the half way point. Theoretically, it should be mostly downhill for the characters from there. I have a ways in mind to hit him hard, but it will be hard to write.
I didn’t really expect you to read up to that point. This story was designed for people who typically like this concept, or at least interested.
Maybe I should have just went with parody.
Sidenote – Bubbles would spend forever coming up with a name. Side plot will be considered.
[This story was designed for people who typically like this concept, or at least interested.]
That might make sense if you were writing a fic that deconstructed anything else. Deconstructions of porn are not usually for porn-lovers.
Actually, so long as the porn is well written while it’s also deconstructing shitty tropes, most porn lovers will adore it. That’s my experience anyway. The key is that it needs to be good porn first and foremost because if it’s not, then people will move on to more sincere and less shitty porn where they can at least jerk it. People seem to be willing to be moralized to so long as they can still jerk off while you do it.
Well, but that was my point, I guess, is that when you’re writing a story that’s supposed to examine that sort of thing, shouldn’t it be written in a Fan Disservice sort of way, if that’s the intent?
You stopped writing after Chapter 13. Beyond that point, it was nothing but repetition instead of progress. Your early chapters were badly handled but at least I could see you trying to write a deconstruction – beyond that point, you stopped entirely and just fell back on really boring trainer battles and badly written pornography (and seriously, as someone who has extensively written porn of many kinds, you need to stop taking your cues from hentai. There are a lot of writing resources out there to help you write porn that is biologically possible, so your writers don’t find themselves baffled as your main character shoves both thumbs up a girl’s asshole). All stories need forward momentum, but deconstructions especially need it, otherwise they become identical to the very thing they’re attempting to parody. Hearing that this was the halfway point of your story gives me zero hope that the next quarter of it would have been different or downhill. I imagine it would have been more porn and trainer battles with the last 10,000-5,000 words being used to hamfistedly hammer in whatever your end point was going to be.
I read up to that point because I’m actually a fan of deconstructions of sexual slavery tropes in fanfiction, so much so that I wrote my own story two years ago in a different fandom. I am your audience, just not in the way you expected me to be. And as someone who has handled this topic, I can speak with authority and say that you didn’t handle it well at all. You tried, but your attempts at deconstruction are nearly subversive enough. If Michael is meant to sum up how fucked up the protagonists of these type of stories are, then you need to spend less time coddling him and his shitty choices. You need to allow his choices to actually be awful without having characters bend over backwards first to assure him that they’re morally right compared to other people.
Frankly, I’d suggest you consume more deconstructions before you try your hand at one again. The same goes for parody, which is just as hard to write if not even harder because now you have to be actually funny instead of just grimdark. And please look into a beta – your latter chapters were littered with misspellings and typos. A second pair of eyes might also help spot these plot derails/snarls ahead of time so you don’t spent 30,000 words not progressing the story in a meaningful way.
Also, if you’re just going to make the revolution a side plot, don’t bother, because that makes it very clear to me that you plan on having Michael survive this and that you see the girls as entirely subservient to him and his plot. If your story is meant to be a scathing deconstruction of the Moemon genre that leaves your main character alive and regulates the sexual enslavement of a race off to “side plot”, then you aren’t writing a deconstruction – you’re writing a slightly more self-aware slavefic. (which is fine – just don’t call it a deconstruction when there’s no actual deconstructing happening)