Today, actually a wide variety of openings. Largely terrible ones but still, variety. Science fail, real girl vs fake girl bullshit, AU OOC stuff, angsty orphans that aren’t pokemorphs… Also a social experiment.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8936951/1/Kanto-I-Choose-You
[Incatasi ]
is a ridiculous sue name.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[ she was not a fan of ‘fitting in’, as most of the girls that walked the halls of Douglas Oak High ]
What you said here is that most of them don’t care about fitting in.
[ All of her friends said she was better than, any of the dolls who walked the halls and her best friend said she looked more beautiful than any of the fake girl that had tried to get his attention. ]
The only thing worse than your comma abuse is your misogyny. If she doesn’t care about fitting in and looking pretty, why do you immediately focus on how actually she was prettier than all those other ugly fake bitches?
And the rest of this is just filler about the fact she likes pokemon cards.
I actually can’t remember the last time I actually saw a wild “fake girl/real girl” thing.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8936967/1/PMD-Story-of-Ralts
[ Lets see ]
Let’s. Short for “let us”.
[“It’s good to have you on board, recruit!” said Officer Cacturne.
“I am Cacturne, the officer of this wing! If you need anything, I’m the guy to go to!” Officer Cacturne said sternly.]
This should be in the same paragraph since it’s all being spoken by the same person.
[This story will be told from Ralts’ perspective. Anything that someone says that doesn’t have “said” to show who that person is will be Ralts.]
You should not need to say who’s POV it’s from and no, dialogue doesn’t work that way.
[ the obnoxious Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8937598/1/Pokemon-Generation
Your summary is full of errors.
[Unava ]
You mean Unova?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8937866/1/One-Life-To-Live
[AU-Characters are OOC ]
So you’ve changed the setting and the characters. How is it fanfiction, then?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8938864/1/Forces-That-Drive-Us
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[A doctorate in Cryptopokemonology was a joke ]
…yes, by definition. “Crypto-” is the prefix that means “bullshit and idiotic conspiracy theories about”.
[ baterias ]
Spellcheck.
[At least they had material to work with, she envied. ]
No. “Envied” is not a verb you can use like that.
[ quasibio-organic liquid ]
How can something like that be quasi-, and do you have any ideal how redundant bio-organic liquid is?
[recreate an almost exact copy of the ancient species with a variable of 0.00065% DNA difference. ]
Right, because they can totally figure out the DNA difference from something they don’t have actual DNA of.
Look, if you don’t have any understanding of biology, don’t try to write specific technobabble. “They bring fossils back to life”. You’re done, you can move on.
[But for the cryptopokemonologists, this kind of advancement was only a dream. The Pokemon they searched for were so rare and so seldom seen that most of the human world was convinced that they didn’t exist at all. ]
And always will be, given they’re apparently a pack of morons who don’t see what fossils have to do with their studies.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[iClomp, clomp, crunch, clomp, scccccratch,/i and then a big pithy ihuff/i.]
HTML code is stripped when you upload. This is why checking after you upload a document is a good idea.
[an alpha Ursaring ]
What exactly would alpha mean? They don’t seem to be group creatures.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[If only she had some sort of physical proof of the golems! Even a chemical analysis of their makeup would reveal facts of their nature no one understood before! ]
You know that physical proof is broader than just finding a chunk of them somewhere. If she were actually trying to do this, she should be looking for records of their appearances, marks they left from moving, etc. When bigfoot nonsense is better scientifically sourced than your character who supposedly is getting a real doctorate, you have a problem.
[ Instead she was having to rely on the two facts science did know…
– The golems’ bodies could not be scratched or dented.
– The golems’ bodies were hollow. ]
How could science know these things if science says they don’t exist?
I really hate cryptozoology.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8938920/1/Instinctive
[ from Humans ]
The fact capitalizing pokemon species is wrong doesn’t mean the solution is to start capitalizing human as well.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“You see, Humans had to fight their own extinction. To do this, they developed greater strength, speed and fighting prowess. On the other hand, we were living the easy life in our homes and cities, so we lost those traits – along with most of our psychic powers – because we didn’t need them anymore,” ]
Huh. This seems to be missing the point of your setup – it’s now a pokemon species that’s now basically the same as humans in charge and humans that are like a regular pokemon species.
A human bonding with another pokemon and working together to escape their owner is interesting, but still not really seeing what the human part adds – functionally, it could have been any fighting type there.
[She survived mainly on fruit, just like other Humans. ]
Humans actually can’t do this, so that’s another mark for these not actually being humans. Fruit is way too low calorie to live off, as well as lacking in a lot of trace elements.
[Mightyena were much better hunters than Humans. They were better at tracking, ambushing and killing things quickly. ]
Also humans are generally pretty good at that. They have to be because they’re physically not as tough and have a really long childhood. Mightyena are also pack hunters, so one being a far superior hunter than a human means humans in this setting are really, really bad hunters. And how can she then easily beat up the mightyena? The relative abilities here make no sense.
Did you know there are people who try to live on an all fruit diet? Bad things happen to them!
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8939054/1/PokeSpe
[Out of nowhere, the sky’s started o turn ]
Skies. To. Proofread.
[professor Oaks Televisions. ]
This is horrible. Try harder and get a beta reader.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8939534/1/The-Journey-of-Sarah-and-Drew
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[But, as irony would have it, my parents wanted me to do no such thing. ]
Parents wanting you to do something isn’t ironic. Also, leaving at ten to be a trainer doesn’t actually stop you from being a doctor. They would have to be far more controlling to be dictating her life at this point, rather than assuming she’ come back after fooling around as a trainer and then settle down to the job they wanted.
Write out numbers with letters.
[For the 10 months after that, I begged and pleaded with my parents to let me become a trainer. ]
Is there any actual point to this delay?
[“I’ll go with her.” It was my brother. In that moment, I saw all the reasons my mom had against me becoming a trainer vanish. ]
This doesn’t actually make sense. You’re saying her parents don’t want her to be a trainer because they want their kids to be doctors. Her brother saying he’ll travel with her should mean that her mom gives up her complaints that she can’t go alone, not that she decides both kids leaving and not being doctors is preferable. And if you’re going to present it now as just overprotectiveness, why the whole doctor explanation to start?
[“Just… get me something strong and uncommon.” ]
[“Sarah, yours is a female Poochyena. ]
So did they deliberately get her something that didn’t fit with what she asked?
I really don’t understand what the point of most of this is. If all you want to do is have it so that she’s traveling with her older brother, all you needed to say was that her brother hadn’t left, then when she turned ten and her parents said she shouldn’t leave because they didn’t want her to go alone, he volunteers to take her. No long backstory about doctors, no months and months of delay…there’s no point to that stuff I can see here.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940055/1/The-Adventures-of-Aster-Alma-Poke-mon-Master
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, pokemon definitely doesn’t need an apostrophe in the middle of the word.
[after saving the Unova Region from the notorious N ]
It’s weird to be putting the focus on N and not Plasma, the organization causing the trouble, or Ghetsis, the one actually in charge.
[In it he said that the faraway Region of Timerra finally won the war they’d been battling for nineteen long years. He then said that due to this transportation once again flows between Timerra and the rest of the globe. Also he mentioned new gyms with tougher leaders, new Poke’mon I’ve never seen before, and a Poke’mon league called the Universal Master Trainers and of course it’s Champion, who’s title is Ultimate Master Trainer. Apparently, this is the highest rank a trainer can achieve. ]
Region doesn’t need to be capitalized.
If they’ve been fighting for almost two decades, how do they have a great trainer setup?
“Whose” is the possessive form, “who’s” is short for “who is”.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[raining champion ]
Reigning.
And what exactly was Ash doing making himself champion in a place busy fighting a war? He couldn’t find anything at all more important around?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[It was there because of the war ending, of course. My dad and my cousin’s dad were two of many men who were drafted into the war for Timerra. ]
Okay, you just said that Timerra won the war. Now you’re saying that this character, in Kanto, had their relatives drafted to fight there, which would mean Kanto was at war with Timerra and just lost. Also, if the war is this close, then they shouldn’t need a letter from Oak telling them about some distant war’s conclusion meaning they get to go fight in a new league, it should be major news for their family.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[Flaffy ]
Flaaffy.
Battles are not inherently interesting. This battle is barely described, carried out mostly through the shouted orders in the dialogue, and there are absolutely no stakes attached. If one character wins or loses, does it matter? In that case, why bother with telling readers about it at all? There’s no suspense about the outcome.
And now the dad’s showing up with a legendary, because those are such a good idea to casually drop in.
So anyway, your setting really doesn’t make any sense. You throw in this war but you don’t seem to have any idea what it actually means, and the characters’ connections to it change by the paragraph.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940094/1/Whispers-In-The-Dark
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
So, they’re terrified of the dark despite spending their whole life in a place that’s dark most of the time and where the non-dark portions are full of abuse.
Huh. And also they don’t know what pokemon are. But how did the people in charge manage that when the kids are herded outside daily and should have seen pokemon wandering beyond the fence? How does the character know what a regular bird is?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Gardenia supplied me with some money, Poké Balls and food. She told me to stay here until I was ready to leave. After five days of sleeping, eating and drinking I felt well enough to leave. ]
Yet for some reason at no point tells anyone about the evil orphanage and asks for help?
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[“Gastly, should I catch you? So no one else steals you from me?”
“Gast, Ga-”
“Poké Ball go!” a random person appeared from nowhere, “SHE’S MINE!” I yelled, jumping in front of their ball, I threw a Poké Ball and Gastly let me catch her.]
Out of nowhere indeed. That was an absurd little scene. If you want to include the girl, then it’d make far more sense for her to appear first and prompt the main character to decide to catch the gastly so no one else will try to attack it. Otherwise, she shouldn’t be there at all.
And now a stupid trainer battle with a metapod? You’re really bad at tone. Is the character concerned about their friend or not? How are they suddenly used to the whole trainer battle idea if up until now they didn’t even know trainers existed? Why haven’t they told anyone where they came from or, failing that, at least given some rationalization for staying quiet?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940094/2/Whispers-In-The-Dark
So has the character and/or you yourself already forgotten about the whole evil orphanage thing, or what?
I really don’t get this.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940231/1/She-Smiled
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
This really seems forced and poorly developed. She gets shot (because…?), and suddenly she needs to be mercy-killed for drama? By being stabbed through the heart with an arcanine’s apparently suddenly very long claw?
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940262/1/Delivering-Letters
[ the Pokemon. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
This really isn’t a story. You just say he went to a place, brief description of place, he left for the next place over and over again.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940526/1/This-Dream
Don’t start your story with your character waking up. It was boring the first time and it’s now been done thousands of times. Start the story when something that isn’t exactly like every other fanfic happens.
Write out numbers with letters.
Trainers start at ten.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ Are you scarred or something? ]
Scared.
This chapter was the same standard opening as has been written in a thousand OT fics before now. I assume you have a plot of some kind? Start the story with that, not with filler.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8940628/1/The-world-will-go-Mimis
Capitalize your title properly.
Stop capitalizing random words.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
And of course it was a dream. Opening with something interesting happening and then immediately jerking it away to focus on tedium and boredom is, in addition to obviously being boring, not even particularly original.
[She is 16 now, so that meant she would be able to go on a journey with her Pokemon now. ]
Trainers start at ten.
[ -No. You can’t tell the future- her mind raced. ]
Stop marking thoughts like this. Just write it like normal and say she thought at the end, people will be able to understand.
[ Time had past ]
Passed.
Seriously, you do not need include her boring morning. Mention things if there’s something unusual about them. If she has an absolutely standard breakfast, why are you wasting time on it?
Do not put author notes in your story.
[They were extremely close to the point that she could understand a Pokemon’s speech and expressions clearly. And they can understand her. Despite them being Pokemon, they bickered with Mimi as if they were humans. Mimi treated them equally like humans. ]
Is this going to have any impact in how she treats pokemon as a trainer?
Well, the gastly is amusing.
You should really just cut out the top half of your story and start with her traveling in the forest. That’s the first part that diverges from the standard opening. It’s interesting, there’s suspense and she’s actually doing things that matter.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8941013/1/The-Nightmare-Keeper
[who’s parents ]
Whose.
[He always went unnoticed by people, even though his condition would make him stick out like a zit on the smoothest of faces. ]
If he’s always unnoticed, then he can’t very well stick out, now can he? Perhaps you mean “should”, not “would”.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[ team Galactic ]
Both parts of a name are capitalized.
[ Rift blinked, and rather than the city, he saw his home, burning once more. He did see fire-type pokemon attacking the small home, and heard cries from inside, his own voice crying, as he watched the flames engulf his parents. But now, he saw something new.
Outside, there were people, one of them dressed in the same suit as those of team Galactic all of them laughing as the house burned. Behind them, there were caged pokemon, being tortured as more people attacked them mercilessly.
The sight was gone in an instant, but it was enough to make Rift seethe in anger at not just Darkrai for showing him, but the people around him. He turned, his face red from pure anger, and glared hard at the people.
“You killed my parents,” he muttered, grabbing the attention of a few people. “I’ll make you pay. I’ll make you all pay!”]
Why does he believe it? He hates all pokemon and he hates Darkrai particularly. There’s been nothing here that suggests he has reason to believe Darkrai can only show you things that happen.
If you want him to suddenly change his mind here, it’d make a lot more sense to say that he doesn’t remember what happened very well but does sort of recognize the uniforms, and then Darkrai jogs his memory with the vision. It’d also help if he didn’t have a personal grudge against Darkrai, since then you don’t have to explain why he’d believe this.
And so he has Darkrai type powers? Eh, I hope there’s a good reason for that.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
This one is actually decent-ish, but I didn’t add it to the C2 because all signs point to it quickly turning into a sueish mess.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8941664/1/Photography
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ She had been held up due to an odd rule, one that stated the of-age children of a divorcing couple were to be held back until the case had been settled. ]
That seems rather out of left field, without any real connection between the two things. If she’s getting held up for a bit, something like illness seems it’d fit better.
[They had decided to get her the extra Pokemon as an apology, and in a way as protection. Other trainers would take her at face value, and assume her age meant she was already an experienced trainer like themselves. Making sure she had two defenders right out of the gate meant she could insist on a one on one, then have the second Pokemon left to defend her while the one who had fought recovered. ]
This though, is very nicely thought out.
[The Gible had sat in her lap, almost vibrating out of his scales. The Totodile had been a stark contrast, eyeing the camera with the reptilian disdain one might see in…Oh, a Snivy, for instance. That look saying do hurry up, I have better things to do than this. ]
Cute description.
You seem to have dropped your ending italics tag, the rest of it’s all italicized.
The pokemon seem interesting and I like how the variety in ways she gets them, particularly the starly, although the final two seem phoned-in – two really popular pokemon who are somehow siblings who she also gets as presents like her first two?
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8941780/1/Legends-are-made-by-what-we-do
Capitalize your title properly.
Spellcheck.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8941932/1/Future-Revolution-The-Neo-Tournemnt-of-Legends
Your title is misspelled.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
[ this fine and lovely mourning ]
Morning. Mourning is what you do when someone dies.
[ anytihng ]
Spellcheck.
This has way too many mistakes. Proofread better.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
And yet, four reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8941944/1/Hybrid
[menotioned ]
Spellcheck.
[My name well, i dont really have a name . although master and hono called me revenge,or reve for short ,so i just stuck with that. ]
I and names are always capitalized.
[I think im eleven,but i dont really since i was mutated i couldnt really remember anything before ]
There is no apostrophe shortage, so use them. Also, you dropped the word “know”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
This is full of errors. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942057/1/Let-s-Make-a-Fanfiction
So this is going to end with you frantically shouting, “It was a social experiment!” isn’t it?
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942255/1/Choice
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This really isn’t much of a story, it’s just a very bland inspirational speech you’ve stuffed in the mouth of a character.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942364/1/Limitless
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Why are Ash and Pikachu speaking telepathically?
[discing ]
Dissing. Spellcheck.
[fear of mouses]
Mice. Mouses is the plural for a computer mouse.
Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.
[Ash Ketchum, we are sorry to inform you that because of your proficiency, you will become a threat to all major crime organizations ]
Seriously. Oh no you’ll threaten the criminals whose plans at times involve blowing up the world.
[So the council has concluded to put a limiter, something that will lock away your potential from not only you, but also your Pokémon you’ve caught and will catch. ]
So, this will be mary sue secretly unbeatable Ash, as opposed to the actual character.
Nine. I really can’t remember another time the category was full of sue Ash stories. What’s up with this?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/1/All-That-Glitters
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Well, this is a nicely developed opening. Somewhat short, but it gets everything across it needs to.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/2/All-That-Glitters
[ He had officially turned thirteen, a truly lucky number, as that was the minimum legal age for a Pokemon trainer’s license in the Johto Region. ]
Nope. Trainers start at ten, and if you’re going by the game there is no minimum age at all.
Again nicely written – his little sister is cute and in a real kid way rather than some impossible angel, and the appearance of a shinx is intriguing. And it’s always nice to see someone getting a pokemon by means other than the professor thing.
[I told him I wished I didn’t have to choose from the same old starters that every other kid from Johto’s ever picked from.]
Although if you’re making it that standard, I hope you’ll remember that when it comes to the pokemon other trainers they encounter have.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/3/All-That-Glitters
[Man, in those days we let kids register at the age of 10. But laws have changed, of course. ]
This is never a good idea. If ten year old kids could manage it successfully, why would it be interesting to see if thirteen year olds can handle the same trials? Stories are a lot more interesting when they’re about things that are difficult for the character.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/4/All-That-Glitters
[“Aha!” Sven readied an empty Pokeball. “Cyndaquil! Get out of the way, I’m gonna catch that thing!”
However, the Sentret apparently had other ideas. The attack had obviously not completely disoriented the wild Pokemon, and as soon as Cyndaquil released it, the Sentret bolted at top speed into the woods. Sven was dumbstruck.]
Nice to see realistic behavior like running from them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/6/All-That-Glitters
[ One was a Rattata, defending the tiny burrow that Ariana had tripped in just moments before. The other was a Poliwag that had emerged from the pond, angrily slapping its tail on the ground.
“I think we invaded their territory!” Ariana said, nervously readying Snubbull’s Pokeball.
“We can take them,” said Sven.]
It’d be nice if the characters viewed pokemon as more than just roving piles of experience, though. You’re having them act organically, but the trainers aren’t really reacting to them that way.
[ Poliwag, feeling awkward since it had just battled these Pokemon moments ago, kept its distance. With a little coaxing from its new trainer, it finally snuggled up with her to sleep. ]
And more development here would also be nice. It wasn’t just attacked by the pokemon, she was also there giving the orders. It should take a little more to get over that.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942450/7/All-That-Glitters
Hm. Well, this is written quite well, but in terms of plot it’s not really different so far than a standard pokemon journey. This chapter is even the obligatory episode where the two learn to work together better in a way that’s more montage than character development. I mean, really, what has he really learned here? To notice when his pokemon’s distracted? That’s better than being oblivious, but it’s hardly some deep connection. It even ends with his pokemon collapsing from the effort of battling, which seems like it’s more important to be watching for than that it isn’t paying total attention to his commands.
None, which is a particular shame after all those terrible Ash sues.
This one’s showing a subtler problem OT fic runs into – if you write pokemon as anything more than soulless fightbots, you get problems with the rest of the system.