Ah, the end of a month. When I’ve already reviewed lots of the people posting and can skip merrily along.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7778438/1/Who_is_Ash_Ketchums_Father
[Hey, mom ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[the Pokemon world. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
I really don’t see the point of this beyond a Christianity pastiche. It doesn’t work with what we know of canon, it isn’t really a story…
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7778700/1/Pokemon_World_Battle
[mass Pokémon theft ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt,” Cilan sighed. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Hm. Your opening is really slow and doesn’t seem to have any point – you don’t need to show them walking into a new place or saying the same things they always do. You’d have been better off starting with the phone call, since Ash explains where he is and what he’s done then anyway. The battle scene was good though – it’s nice to see actual action in an opening chapter.
[“I’ll have to tell you on the way, Iris,” Ash replied, yanking out his hat from his backpack. Turning it backwards, he continued, “I need to go back to Kanto. Right now.” ]
…but I don’t see why he’d think to do this. He’s not going to be able to rush to Kanto in time to then get her to a hospital, and there are plenty of other people in Cerulean who also have phones and could be contacted (and probably, even without Ash doing anything, would notice an explosion like that and get help). Ash should just call someone, even just his mom if he doesn’t know any other numbers, say that Misty’s been attacked and they need to contact the hospital. He still would have good reason to want to rush over there if someone’s targeting Misty because of him, it just doesn’t make sense to do it in the hopes of getting to her in time to help.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7778785/1/Letters
[Green pat his Eevee ]
Patted.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This seems completely OOC and it doesn’t fit into any of the canon timelines either.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7779496/1/What_Happens_In_One_Night
[about Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts, it makes it look like it’s spoken aloud. Italics alone is fine.
[I saw how she was glaring at Flint.” Anabel said. ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Flashback…]
Don’t label flashbacks or any other scene break. It should be clear from context.
[“To your thank you, I say you’re welcome. My name is Volkner. Don’t try to find me and tell me yours. I don’t think we will ever meet again. Sorry for running off. I don’t want to hurt your feelings any more than I already have. I always hurt girls’ feelings if I stay with them and get to know them. I don’t want to hurt yours, too. You’re too gentle and beautiful. Goodbye.” the note said. ]
…this is really not what ten year olds sound like.
Well, the meet up as kids worked well for the characters, but otherwise this seemed pretty much generic wedding shenanigans.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7779528/1/Father_and_Son
[“I’ll tell him that.” The gym hand said ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Also, this is way too short for a first chapter, and nothing actually happened.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7779528/2/Father_and_Son
[her Zebstrika. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your battle is bland and lifeless, with just the bare minimum of description. Either you need to put a lot more effort into making it exciting, or you should just summarize it rather than give a blow by blow account.
[A little later… ]
Don’t label scene breaks, it should be clear from the narration.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7779602/1/Type_Advantage
[about Pokemon. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[all 16 now ]
Write out numbers with letters.
[being in each others rooms ]
Always use an apostrophe when it’s possessive.
[Your just jealous of me cute Pokemon.” Leaf said ]
“Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.
Me should be my.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Your grammar is generally terrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7779766/1/A_Journey_Revised
[A few thing’s to know about the story before you begin is that they don’t start their pokemon journey until the age of 15. I mean a 10 year old out on his own? come on? ]
Don’t ever use an apostrophe for a plural, write out numbers with letters, and canon makes it clear than ten year olds can handle the sort of things that normally come up on a journey.
[are you ready for this!” A deep rough voice yelled ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[three Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[pulled there head backs ]
Their, and back should be singular.
[it’s stubby legs ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
This doesn’t seem like it’s about Ash but just a generic OC who happens to have a pikachu. And your grammar is terrible, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780261/1/Pokemon_Mythology
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
And this isn’t so much pokemon mythology as the exact story but with you saying Hera and Eris and the rest are particular pokemon. The only difference is for some reason you took out the bit where the three goddesses each offer a bribe to Paris and just made him pick based on appearance.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780535/1/School_days
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[your fist day ]
Proofread.
[Coming mom!” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[The male Zoroark ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I’m not 5! ]
Write out numbers with letters.
[“Yeah, no.” Blazer said ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts, it makes it look like it’s spoken.
Don’t switch from third to first person.
Get a beta reader, this is a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780577/1/Nyagotiation
[the Pokémon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is an interesting enough look at Meowth, but the conversation with Pikachu seems really forced, with him just suddenly asking all the right questions.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780634/1/The_Johto_Prince_The_Lost_Prince
[it’s peak ]
“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.
[Many Pokemon ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Years ago, an unforgettable war of espeon and umbreon erupted. On the day it ended, it was official named the great war: The Johto War. ]
Your grammar is awful. Get a beta reader.
[espeon of the east and umbreon of the west separated themselves from each other, a rivalry that went down for years sticking to it’s normal ways. ]
I can’t see any rivalry between the two ending with anything but overwhelming victory for the umbreon side. They’re immune to psychic moves and their own moves are strong against psychics, what on earth would make them agree to quietly hate each other at a distance?
[“I’m think about Ricky and the kid again,” Thomas sighed ]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780759/1/The_Trainers_Chronicles
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is decently written, but there doesn’t seem to be much point. It’s just a trainer running around doing trainer stuff. Even the bit with Team Rocket wasn’t interesting because they were defeated almost effortlessly, just another Tuesday in the life of a trainer. He seemed more concerned about catching the aipom.
…the next chapter manages to make a plot to explode a volcano and kill everyone dull.