“and when he clicked the button, I blinked, feeling the liquid around me, disappear and the DNA wires that where hooked onto me, fell off limply, and the glass slid down, and I felt and breathed in the ‘real’ air.”

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942593/1/Not-scary-but-different

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[They said that I was creepy for living in the Pokémon gravesite.  ]

Well, that is pretty weird. I mean, how do you actually live someplace like that? How’s she getting food, where does she sleep? If her family home is at a gravesite because they’re caretakers, I could see it, but here it seems to be literally living in a graveyard.

[I made it mom. ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

[my closet Pokémon ]

Closest.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942642/1/Changing-shoes-Changing-lives

Capitalize your title properly.

Use periods. And more commas.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Route ! ]

Proofread. This is a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8942961/1/The-Trials-of-Johto

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This really isn’t much of a story, it’s just a log of your game following very artificial rules.

You know what would be interesting? If you didn’t want to do the whole grimdark thing, say that trainers are required to release fainted pokemon as part of preventing trainers from hoarding pokemon and make sure they treated them properly.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8943155/1/Sheer-Cold

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The fact that hunting Mamoswine was illegal didn’t make much difference to the man. ]

If he’s doing illegal hunting, it doesn’t make a lot of sense that he’d be complaining they don’t keep the area clear. Officials traveling back and forth to maintain the road would make it riskier.

[the elderly man greeted jokingly ]
[ the hunter answered disappointedly ]
[the owner said encouragingly ]
[the hunter answered curtly ]

You don’t need to stick an adjective on every time someone speaks. If it’s obvious someone’s joking or disappointed, you don’t need to say it. Only put an adjective in if it adds something.

Also, you start using periods rather than commas for dialogue around here. Watch out for that.

[The hunter had been hiking along the route trail now for about an hour and a half, occasionally having to slog his way through snowdrifts that nearly reached his knees. One would’ve thought he’d bring snowshoes to help travel across such terrain, but the hunter was never one for snowshoes. He thought them cumbersome, not to mention a pain in the ass to get on and off. ]

I really can’t fathom anyone finding snowshoes more cumbersome than deep snow itself. It also helps with the problems of snow filling your boots.

Also, it’s not even up to his knees? I thought this was supposed to be a place with heavy snow. Certainly in the games it looks like it’s up to your waist.

Well. This is definitely different than the usual fanfic and it’s really nice to see a poacher OC, but it does seem somewhat slow. Your character’s thoughts and complains get repetitive and a lot of the information is rather longwinded.

This is probably an issue of regional differences in what a lot of snow is.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8943207/1/Legends

[She beat Firered, Leafgreen, Gold, silver (the remakes also), yellow, red, blue, crystal, sapphire, ruby, emerald, pearl, diamond, platinum, black and white 1 & 2. ]

Why did you stop capitalizing the names of the games?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[It eventually found it’s way in the electrical socket, that her 3DS was plugged into, and traveled up the cord into her 3DS! The 3DS had a electrical energy surround it as her black version of poke’mon came on and showed the title screen. Except, Reshiram was facing toward clover, while she was sleeping, and stared at her. Suddenly, his eyes beamed off red energy then, it roared his normal cry and the 3DS’s camera focused on Clover. It beeped in response and took a photo then, it scanned clover making her figure appear on the top of the screen instead of the normal ‘Poke`mon’ title. ]

It’s really better to not try to explain this rather than trying to portray electricity as magic.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

[Your a fictional character! ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Why is your character mute and why is she thinking the character’s weird for treating her oddly when she’s not saying anything?

This is full of errors, proofread better and get a beta reader.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8943232/1/First-Timers

[The joys of Ameena’s new life felt limitless, and she couldn’t resist dancing wildly all over the road until a stray thought of her pokemon stopped her in her tracks. ]

Why is this italicized?

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[It was no secret that eevees were widely sought after for being cute and popular with people of all ages, which says nothing of their wide variety of possible evolutions, something which no other known pokemon possessed. Due to their incredibly high demand, most eevees that were available at specialty pokemon shops had been bred as domestic pets for generations, and were weaker than their already rather peaceful cousins that lived out in the wild. ]

While that’s different than usual and an interesting bit of worldbuilding, I don’t really see the issue. If they’re so insanely popular, she should just trade it to someone for a better pokemon. From what you’re saying here it’s not that she was given a lemon of a pokemon since it’d still be worth a lot as a pet. Also, it’s weird that her family would get her something that would leave her at risk. Is the knowledge about eevee puppymills not as widely known, or were her grandparents out of touch with modern pokemon issues?

[This was the perfect opening for the flock: they swooped down and began pecking, scratching, and pulling at him wherever they could. ]

It’s nice to see pokemon showing a sense of loyalty to each other.

Why doesn’t she just recall her eevee?

I like the feel of this and you’re doing very well with the details, but I’m not sure of the setup – it seems like overall, it’s more just a trainer having trouble with beating wild pokemon and the hint of potential trouble with her desire for her eevee to evolve into an umbreon specifically. But your opening says her eevee is very valuable and inherently weak, so the solution should just be to trade for something better.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8943930/1/Brothers-in-Arms

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

[Bold- TV
Italic- Thoughts/Letters/Flashbacks
Bold Italics- Radio Feedback]

You shouldn’t need this. It should be clear from context, not by consulting a key at the top of your story, and there’s no clear reason why TV or radio feedback would need its own special way of marking it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Overlord, do you copy?” Deuce asked.
“We read you, Delta. Start talking.” Overlord replied.]

If you’re labeling the speakers both sides of the radio conversation, there’s absolutely no reason to mark one of them in a different format.

[ The Electabuzz pointed his rifle at Hawk’s back and prepared to fire. ]

This really seems to have nothing to do with pokemon. It’s a standard action plot with standard conflict and standard guns that supposedly is taking place between different pokemon that act exactly like regular human beings.

Blocked!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944198/1/As-the-World-Crumble-from-Dust

You probably mean “crumbles” in your title.

The more detailed and contrived the rules you’re writing the story under, the worse an idea it is.

Well, this at least is a truly creepy setting description you have so far. It reminds me of some of the SCP fiction.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944211/1/My-name-is-Thomas

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Mom replied:  ]

You’re writing this as some unholy hybrid of regular prose and script. Stop doing that and just write normally.

This is somewhat slow, but it’s nice to see starters being distributed without a professor and you do well at showing your character’s uncertainty.

The ALL CAPS is just cartoonish, though. It makes the whole scene impossible to take seriously and therefore, impossible to care about what’s happening.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944211/2/My-name-is-Thomas

[Suddenly, I heard a roar, supposedly by a Pokemon.  ]

Supposedly would be suggesting it wasn’t actually from one.

[ loking ]

Spellcheck.

[that’s why I throwed the Pokeball.”]

Threw.

[Me: “Pidgey, what do you want? Please, I can’t give you more food!”
PIdgey though did the unexpected. It jumped towards one of my empty Pokeballs and hit it with its beak, getting itself captured as well.]

The growlithe joining is a nice twist on the usual way people get pokemon, and makes sense if you assume they’re like dogs and want to be around people. The pidgey doing the same thing seconds later is contrived, especially when it was just injured by the other pokemon who just joined him.

[Me: “Pidgey, Growlithe, I don’t want you to come with me just because you are grateful at me.”]

Why are they grateful in the first place? The growlithe saved him initially without needing any prompting, and food alone wasn’t motivation for the pidgey to want to join or else it wouldn’t have pushed its way out of the pokeball after first stealing his sandwich.

I do like that the squirtle has its own personality and that Thomas has taken all the blame for what’s happened.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944211/3/My-name-is-Thomas

Eh, this is treading the same ground as every OT fic. Battles themselves aren’t that interesting, it’s what it means for the characters involved. Here, that’s not much, and it’s pretty obvious he’ll win just because he’s the main character. This is why it’s a good idea for the rival your character loses against to leave, so they can’t immediately get a rematch and win.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944431/1/Pokemon-CreepyPasta-Not-One-More-Day

Eh, kind of creepy but way too specific and pointed. Most of this isn’t about how spooky it is, it’s just about punishing the character for something happening to the game. Also, your grammar is pretty bad.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944541/1/Lavender-Town-Conspiracy

[my OCs Lavender and Red ]

There’s already a canon character named Red. You should use a different name for an OC.

Write out numbers with letters.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

[(get the joke?)]

Don’t do this. If it’s a good joke people will notice it. If it’s bad, drawing further attention makes it worse.

[ “I have hypno, meowth, and ivysaur.” ]

When you’re using it as their name, it’s capitalized like any other name.

This is really too short for a first chapter, nothing much has even happened.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944541/2/Lavender-Town-Conspiracy

[Lavender and Red dashed through the tall grass, they ran into some wile Jigglypuffs, but they defeated then pretty quickly. After a while of running, they sat down to take a brake with their backs on the side of a hill. ]

Wild, them, break.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Proofread and get a beta.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944742/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-The-Beginning-of-the-End

There should be a space between paragraphs.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ where the worst to suffer]

Were.

[ Thankfully, the disease cannot be transmitted by air and this applies to us too.

This is horribly redundant. The disease that can’t be transmitted by air also can’t be transmitted by air? Really?

[A cure? That has been found, but getting it to the Pokémon is no easy task. ]

That doesn’t really matter. As long as they can cure their own pokemon they can use those to defend against the infected and stop the disease’s spread. The problem isn’t primarily saving the sick pokemon, it’s stopping those pokemon without getting infected yourself.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[Famine has struck; if it’s because of the disease or some other reason I don’t know. Though thankfully a cure has already been found for that too.  ]

So they don’t know why but there’s still a cure anyway.

[ Only we were too late, the tall trees have been replaced by the wind and the tall grass by dry sand.]

Famine is people not having food. What you’re saying here is that there was something that killed all the plants, which is different.

[Some Pokémon have survived, but finding them are rare and nearly impossible.  ]

That doesn’t make much sense. Any pokemon with humans should have had the cure on hand to protect them, so they should be much better off than wild ones.

[ The only people we can trust, if they are still alive is the Enclave ]

The idea of some particular area being the only good place is a tired and poorly justified trope.

[“Warning,” said the speakers by my ears. “Space-pod damaged, crash landing engaged!”]

What does being in space have to do with the rest of your background?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8944918/1/Through-the-Eyes-of-Madness

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Hm. Well, I don’t think you really needed to go through the whole of the creation myth from the very start – it’s well trodden ground by now. But the business with his accidental creations and their falling in love and angering him is an interesting one.

[All deities had to be loyal to God among all others. This would prevent any suspecious ‘uprisings’ or give the humans any ideas.]

I don’t think you need this. It makes him sound a lot weaker that he even concerns himself with the idea they might not be, and there’s no sign this was an issue yet anyway. Banning love and reproduction seems like all you need here.

Also, spellcheck.

Five.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945011/1/Elizabeth-s-Cataria

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

[ A Dusclops was holding and tiny new born Ghastly  ]

Pretty sure you mean “a”, not “and”, and it’s spelled “gastly”.

Your sentence structure is abominable, you seem to be starting and stopping at random.

[I pulled out my new Ghost ball, ]

Regular pokeballs work on ghosts, you don’t need to invent something.

[ your more unique then ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Than is the one for comparisons. Then is for time.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945011/2/Elizabeth-s-Cataria

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This story is apparently about her inventing special pokeballs that catch pokemon of a type without lowering their stats. I don’t know why she’s wasting her time on it when masterballs already exists.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945505/1/A-Stroll-Through-The-Garden-of-Eden

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“We could make it to the island by tomorrow, but you know the place is barren. If we go there first and go back to Port Nacarado, we’ll starve first. ]

Not really. Even assuming it takes a full 24 hours to get there and back, that’s only two days. They’re four days into their trip and the port they’re going to isn’t the same one they left from, so presumably it’s no more than three days away, probably much less. That means a maximum of five days total. If the captain gives everyone half rations they won’t even run out of food until the last day, and you can easily go without food entirely for several days without a problem. (Plus, come on, their food only just was flooded. It may spoil soon, but they can eat it for now.)

If you want this to be a real problem, you should increase the time. If they’re currently four days away from the nearest port (the fact they’re four days into the trip doesn’t really matter if they don’t have to backtrack the whole way) and the island is, say, two or three further days away, then which way they go is a bigger deal. Increasing all of the numbers would help as well – a month’s trip on two week’s worth of rations is far more severe, because the total amount of time they’d end up going hungry increases, as does the total delay from going in the wrong direction for a while.

[He began to chant in a language unknown to the sailors. It didn’t sound demonic at all, rather, it sounded heavenly. All the sailors stopped and dropped whatever they were doing to listen in. Apparently, even the storm thought his words were great, and it stopped to listen. The sea stopped rampaging and the skies cleared up to the vast empty sky from hours before.
The guest lowered his arms and turned around. The crew was all bowing and praising his name, despite his name never once being mentioned before. ]

This is much too abrupt. You should really ease into the supernatural. The guy going up and stopping the storm would be a really big deal without needing it being in an unknown heavenly tongue and everyone spontaneously learning his name so they can worship his deeds. And that would then make it more surprising and creepy when the crew eventually converts and turns on the captain.

[As the two bickered (Rather Solstice than Ace.) ]

What?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945521/1/After-School-With-Ash

Terrible, run spellcheck and try harder.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945873/1/The-Saliera-World-Championship

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[(Meanwhile, in the Elite trainer room)]

Don’t label scenes. This should be clear from the rest of your writing.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

While the idea of the elite four deliberately having to lose is intriguing and you show it happening well in the battles, the setup doesn’t really justify it. If it’s all Ash wanting to personally beat Max, it seems it could be done more smoothly by him just saying that the challenger this time can skip them – something the rest of them would probably feel embarrassed enough by. And it’s not particularly clear why he thinks this is the best idea instead of Max getting his butt handed to him from the start and not even being dignified with the chance to battle him.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8945873/2/The-Saliera-World-Championship

This chapter just boils down to you saying over and over, “Hey look! Ash is now a horrible mary sue!” If the idea is supposed to be that he personally is a great trainer, it’s not such a great idea to load him down with super special pokemon or have him eventually win with Mewtwo of all people.

Eleven. You fucking people, what’s wrong with you?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8946092/1/Crimson-Xaia-SD

Write out numbers with letters.

The word “I” is always capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t jump between POVs.

Don’t label flashbacks, it should be clear from context.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Battle summaries do not a story make.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8946447/1/Pokemon-Destinies-X

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8946551/1/The-Kanto-Adventures

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place. And don’t use stated at all.

This is the same boring opening as always. You presumably have a plot, right? Skip to that. Stories should start when the story actually starts, not ten chapters before.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8946551/2/The-Kanto-Adventures

This is even worse filler than the first chapter.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947541/1/One-of-these-days-Moemon

Capitalize your title properly.

[your basically stalking her by sending a freaking Pidgey with a camera attached to it to watch her ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive. Also no, that’s just regular stalking, no qualifier needed.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t change from third to first person.

Write out numbers with letters.

Don’t put an entire song in your story, it’s annoying filler.

Apparently this story is going to be about her not having sex with them because she’s saving herself for Red, which makes me wonder why even set it in pedobestialityland.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947738/1/26144-A-Pokemon-Diamond-Nuzlocke

[Now, the World of Pokemon is troubled. Gas masks must be worn at all times to prevent a “madness gas” from taking over your mind.  ]

It sure sounds like they have bigger concerns than trainers running around looking for badges.

Don’t center all your text, it’s annoying to read.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Proffesor ]

Spellcheck.

The setting sounds creepy enough, but it’d look better if this wasn’t yet another grimdark nuzleaf.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947738/2/26144-A-Pokemon-Diamond-Nuzlocke

So, they can barely afford the standard gas mask and it’s not even one that provides eye protection, but it’s a battery powered one? Really odd priorities there.

[ Not after it got dad. ]

When used as a name, it’s capitalized as one.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947817/1/Black-and-White-2-A-New-Beginning

[Lisbeth sighed loudly and flopped down on her bed. She watched dust motes dully float around her bedroom. The motes would occasionally float in front of her open window and illuminate in an orange glow from the sunset. She blew the motes close to her head and watched them thrash around in a burst of energy.
A short three note tune came from her laptop. Lisbeth went over to see who had emailed her and was disappointed to find just more spam. Of course nobody had emailed her. Nobody exciting ever emails her.]

Shockingly, it’s actually really boring to read about how a character is bored.

Trainers start at ten.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Nothing has actually happened this chapter, you’re just repeating the game opening everyone’s familiar with. Surely you have some actual plot for your story?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947817/2/Black-and-White-2-A-New-Beginning

[Lisbeth threw herself on her bed and buried her face in her pillow. Maybe the best way to save herself from a complicated life was to stay home.
A sudden flare of heat seared against her leg. Lisbeth yelped and scrambled backwards, but then remembered that the source of the heat was strapped against her leg. It was her pokeball. The heat was gone when she unstrapped it, and only the normal warmth was lingered.
Then she realized that Tepig was trying to tell her that she shouldn’t stay home. That’s why he heated up the pokeball.]

What, her tepig reads her mind now?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947817/3/Black-and-White-2-A-New-Beginning

This is just mindless filler.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8947881/1/The-Rebellion

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[-they were called the poke-tants; Pokémon mutants for short.  ]

You wrote that backward, and also poke-tants is incredibly stupid.

[. The Police ordered the citizens to shoot any Poke-Tants or Gijinkas killed or driven away. ]

Aside from this sentence being a mess, it also doesn’t make sense people would behave this way. A kid is stolen from their family, assumed dead, you think people would be fine with them being murdered when they finally come back? It’s not like the abilities the modified humans have are even particularly big deals in a world that already coexists peacefully with regular pokemon.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Don’t bother eating the macaroni or carrots, they taste like miltank dung. Same goes for the carrots, but they’re hard as rocks. ]

She’s listing carrots twice here.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948009/1/Dawn-of-Unova

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Sure thing. C’mon, guys!” Black said to the small group of Pokemon napping by the corner of the room. A couple of years ago, the town’s Professor Juniper found a sall group of stray Pokemon wandering around town. These Pokemon included a Pikachu and its two spiky-haired Pichu children, a Bayleef, Cyndaquil, and Totodile. Black and his mother volunteered to look after them, and they have stayed with them ever since.  ]

If he already has pokemon, why does he need a starter? Also, spellcheck.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948449/1/Sheeva-s-Enlightenment

Don’t center your text, it’s annoying to read.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[he’s waken me up ]

Woke.

[other than dad. ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Well, I like how you write the slowbro a lot, it’s quite cute, and this seems like a different plot than usual.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948485/1/childish-insanity

Capitalize your title properly.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Names are always capitalized, not just half the time.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948618/1/Your-Battle

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Should I use my legendaries now? Or should I save them for later in the Challenge? The rules state that I can’t use any of my Pokemon twice during the Challenge. If I use them now, I could quite possibly waste them on an easy battle. But if I save them for later, the battles should become much easier as I go on.  Also, if I am to loose early in the challenge, all the weaker Pokemon would be out of the way, and all the stronger Pokemon would be left to use in my retry ]

This reasoning is an incoherent jumble. What you appear to be trying to say is that your character wants to save the legendaries until they win their initial battles so they can be assured they’ll win the rest by coasting through on legendaries. Also apparently they’re applying some weird darwinian thing to this and assuming that if any team of theirs loses, every pokemon on it must have just been a weakling holding them back anyway.

It’s all moot because you say the character has all the legendaries and they only have to win five battles, so they could easily field five teams full of legendaries.

[I hated using the word use when it came to Pokemon, but the English language is a cruel thing. I loved all my Pokemon, and I would never usethem for anything. When I get the reward for winning- that would be 5,000,000 Pokedollars- I could use it all to make me and my Pokemon happy, and we will never have to fight again! ]

But in the meantime, totally using them.

[Each Party was chosen at absolute random ]

That’s stupid. If you want to do it that way, set this up as a challenge where you’re handed random pokemon and have to beat someone else with random pokemon, because no one would deliberately pick pokemon like this.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948618/2/Your-Battle

Well, at least you didn’t try to force a win for the character, although they last ridiculously long against the zapdos. I’m not really seeing any point to this though – I could just play the game myself if I wanted to see battles, and it’s not like there’s any clever strategy going on here – I mean, really, aerial ace against zapdos.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948759/1/The-Good-Days

Your formatting and grammar are terrible. Try harder.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948797/1/Test-Subject-Part-1

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[ green liquid filled the DNA tank ]

If it’s full of green liquid, then it’s not a tank of DNA.

[as woken ]

Has.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[Said a female, wearing white as snow cloths, high black heels and a white lab coat, glasses covered her ocean blue eyes, her black short hair, which stopped at the tops of her lean shoulders, was in the form of ‘baby’ ring lets. ]

Clothes and this is a runon sentence.

[the DNA wires ]

Do you just not know what DNA is.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

And this doesn’t seem a complete chapter, cutting off in the middle. It’s not even a proper cliffhanger, it’s just talking and then suddenly you’re done.

None.