Actually, decent crop this time.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780786/1/A_White_Gijinka_Nuzlocke_These_Parting_Words

[“Go away Cheren.” I mumble ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Nuzlocke runs don’t make sense or for good writing, because pokemon need a lot of battles to level and the world breaks down if they’re dying. It also means knowing the main character’s pokemon will almost never lose a fight, since anything but total superiority is death on a run like this. Plus the rest of the rules only make sense from the standpoint of someone deliberately challenging themself, not how anyone would naturally behave. You might as well give up any attempt at verisimilitude and just say that it’s a rule to stick pokemon back in the box if they faint. Making them humanoid just makes it even harder to believe, because not only are the pokemon dying, but now they look like little kids.

Look, if you want a gritty story, fine, write a gritty story. But actually trying to follow the nuzlock rules when those rules have no purpose but to add extra difficulty to the world isn’t a good idea.

Also, if they’re making distinct sounds, it shouldn’t be impossible to figure out what the sounds mean, especially given they’re intelligent. You point to an object. They make a noise. It doesn’t matter if you can’t make the noise back, you still know what the sound means now. If you really want to chat, it’d be easy to record the sounds and use a computer to make sentences. There’s no way for professors to have been studying this for ages without progress. Especially when the pokemon want to communicate and must understand enough of human speech to be obeying orders.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780880/1/The_Cave

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the thoughts are being spoken out loud.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7780898/1/Pokemon_Mystery_Dungeon_3_The_Birth_of_New_Evil

Don’t center your text, it’s obnoxious to read.

[the Pokemon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t jump between first-person POVs.

[~Transition~]

Don’t label scene breaks.

You’re overrelying on dialogue, and a lot of it’s irrelevant to your story. Describe more and tighten your writing up, you should have a purpose to whatever you’re writing about.

Don’t write character bios. If it matters, it belongs in the story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781016/1/Poketech_Academy_2_Power_Unlocked

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781023/1/Diplomacy

[“Their just kids.” Lance affirmed heartily. ]

They’re.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Anyway, this was interesting and nicely written, though I’m not sure it really connects up – Lance’s part with the dratini is really a coincidence, since if there weren’t pokemon to steal from trainers, they’d probably just catch their own and do the same. (And on a different note, it’s not really clear if any of the actual abuse was illegal – the only thing mentioned is that selling them for money is.) So while his guilt makes personal sense, it doesn’t actually say anything in regard to her argument.

Really, banning theft and selling pokemon for money really has nothing to do with pokemon rights. Interestingly, the device mentioned to force the pokemon to evolve actually sounds not too different than the picture of an exp share.

So, in both the games and fanfic, I think there’s a shared blind spot where the bad guys happen to also be abusive, so that’s part of why you take them down…but there’s no sign that the latter part is actually breaking the law. It’s like saying only criminals would do bad things to pokemon, so there’s no need for laws about that because they’ll have their pokemon confiscated for the existing crimes.

This is why way back when I’d get ragey over the charmander episode of the show – they don’t take the guy’s other pokemon or anything, and there’s no sign that any of what happened was actually illegal, or even that illegal things are even possible, no “well, technically he didn’t X so…” but the sense that there’s no protections at all.

To jump to much later on, Tracey joins the group during a fight he interrupts to say that the thugs’ pokemon are in poor health because of how badly they were cared for. And the thugs also were tormenting a baby lapras. But the resolution is just the thugs leave and Ash gets the lapras.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781099/1/Two_Worlds_Collide

Never use quotation marks for thoughts.

[a big Oak Tree ]

Don’t capitalize random words.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781099/2/Two_Worlds_Collide

A lot of errors and typos, particularly missing punctuation. And sorry, but your character’s already coming off as sueish by being so important than her relationship with Ash is potentially world-destroying. That just isn’t a good thing to have as the establishing info on a character.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781201/1/Novas_are_Shattered_Stars

…well, novas are really more “exploded” than “shattered”.

[“Hey Rachel,” she grinned. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

…and now you’ve suddenly dropped into first person. Jesus, proofread.

This is amazingly slow paced. You’re spending ages just with her at school for no discernible purpose – people are chattering at each other, but it’s just taking up space. I’m at the end of the story and I still don’t even know what it’s actually about, just that now that they’re actually in Unova something might happen soon. Or next chapter could just be the same thing, I can’t tell.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781339/1/Constant_Craving

[The league had changed it’s rules almost eight years ago. You had to be of legal age (which was 17 in Johto), and there were two days in the year you could start- July 2nd, and December 2nd – the latter being Kotone’s start date. The only exceptions were kids who had already started out. ]

This makes no sense and it’s a terrible idea for the league as well as pokemon training in general. If you desperately want to write about a seventeen year old, just write about an established trainer.

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Looking back, however, Kotone was glad she had ended up waiting. Her ten year old self would not have lasted very long alone in the wild. ]

Yes, she would have, because obviously lots of ten year olds were managing it, so unless she’s on the far edge of the incompetence bell curve, she would have too. Even if she was, she’d surely have managed average ten year old competence in fewer than seven years. And if she wasn’t as competent as a ten year old by sixteen, she’s probably not qualified to be a trainer at any age.

[She had decided the night before on a Cyndiquil for her starter ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And it’s spelled cyndaquil.

And even if they can’t journey that doesn’t mean they can’t keep a pokemon, those are two different things. So why wouldn’t she at least raise one so it’ll be a bit easier once she actually does start her journey?

[Finally, she was ready.
Kotone sat on top of the Tin Tower with Blue, with an Eevee curled up in her lap, napping happily in the sun.]

I think something ate your scene break.

…your story seems to just keep skipping actual plot in favor of an end scene where she says, “Wow, I sure accomplished lots of exciting things!”

[The professor glanced at the red-haired male. “Ahh, yes, you’re Silver, correct? Kotone
has told me about you. Pleasure to meet you.”]

Your paragraphing breaks down in this section. Looks like more formatting issues. You need to proofread after you upload.

…and then the story stops before the promised hint of something actually happening, instead of being summarized after the fact.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781415/1/Maxs_Unova_Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Why won’t they let me go on my Pokemon adventure by myself?” Max grumbled. Tomorrow would be his tenth birthday and his parents had allowed him to embark on his very own Pokemon adventure, on one condition: He needed to travel with someone.
Tomorrow would be his tenth birthday and his parents had allowed him to embark on his very own Pokemon adventure, on one condition: He needed to travel with someone. ]

So? It’s not like they can enforce that. Just find some other ten year old to say you’ll travel together and split up as soon as you’re out of sight.

[“Phew. That was a close one.” the Milotic’s trainer, a girl about two years older than him, stood before him. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781437/1/Debugging_Kanto

[It also had twelve candles, but Brian was determined to make the best of that flaw. ]

…why would parents forget how old their kid is and put too many candles on it?

[a Pokemon trainer. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Nice to see him getting his starter as a gift instead of one of the standard set from the standard professor. Nicer to see it isn’t an eevee.

[“Man, I wish I had some Pokeballs,” he mumbled. The Krabby froze for a moment, and began to spit up a cloak of foam before scuttling off into the sea. ]

I laughed. This is a cute little bit.

[“Uh-huh… I just turned 12 today,” Brian admitted, again staring at his shoes. “I wanted to start my trainer journey when I turned 10, but my parents didn’t want me to. They were scared.”]

Oh. So the cake isn’t in error, it’s just that he wanted to be leaving at ten. You should probably reword that sentence, it’s not what I got out of it at all.

[“Well then, why not do it at 11?” the man asked. He suddenly sounded a lot more interested in Brian.
“Well… I thought about it, but I thought that maybe it’d be better to wait until I finished with school,” Brian said]

I’m really sick of overage trainers, but I guess this works well enough for how low key training seems to be here. I’m not clear what the point him being older is, though.

Anyway. This is well written. I really like the atmosphere you have as well as the minor details throughout. Your characterization is very nice, even the pokemon seem like individuals with minds of their own.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781691/1/Pallet_Academy

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[bluenette ]

Don’t.

[you’re role model? ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

This seems like plotless filler.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7781909/1/Space_lives_on_your_breath

Capitalize your title properly.

[“Yes, Dia, I’m loving them,” I smiled. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This really reads like original fiction taking place in some universe where people have generic magical powers.

…well, it does! To an amazing degree. I think it’s that it’s so closely following a romance novel template, so that it really can’t be anything else.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7782551/1/the_wild_Pidove

[is pretty short and probably has a lot of mistakes because English is not my native language. ]

Yes, it has a lot. There’s plenty of people who do speak English as a native language around here as beta readers. A lot of them aren’t good at grammar either, but if you search around you’ll find a decent one sooner or later.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7782577/1/May_and_the_lost_last_name

Capitalize your title properly.

Punctuation is not optional and your grammar is terrible in many other ways as well. Proofread and get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7782841/1/Becoming_a_team

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7783025/1/Lillycove_High

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I went in my brand new black convertible wearing white long-sleeves accented with a black vest, my black hair tied up to my usual ponytail with bangs hanging over towards the left side of my face, dark blue, denim ripped jeans, black, red and white sneakers and black, fingerless gloves. Grabbing my black and white bag, I took off. ]

Don’t infodump. You don’t need to list everything at once.

[~At School~ ]

Don’t label scene changes.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

[bluenette ]

Don’t.