Some unusually bad worldbuilding today.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949043/1/Dear-Red
This really doesn’t work. You’re basing this around your character’s relationship to a fan version of Red, so without knowing your character, it’s hard to have any investment in the rest. And it’s not like there’s anything actually happening that’d make me care about them.
Also, sticking an author’s note in the middle of a story is terrible, and doing it in the middle of a letter is a thousand times worse.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949320/1/Alex-Rose-in-Sinnoh
[ it’s bad scent ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Most of this is your character talking about things you haven’t really explained and referencing events you didn’t show. All the focus is on the stuff that’s in your head as happening before, not on what’s actually going on in the story now.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949340/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Mystery-Dungeon-Sun-and-Moon-Tommy-Arc
Script format is banned.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8948988/1/Pokemon-White
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Use apostrophes.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Write out numbers with letters.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949415/1/The-Legendary-Trainers
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[He was dressed in a long blue and black coat, with many pockets in it. His shaggy brown hair has streaks of blue, pink and black running through it, with the tip being a white color. Under his coat he wore a simple plain button down shirt and simple black trousers held up with a woven belt. An emblem was embolized on the right chest pocket of the jacket. It was a dark red “S” above a vortex that looked like it was also a clock. ]
You don’t need this much description all at once. Pick whichever of these is important and only mention that.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[‘One down, two to go.’
The man turned his back to the thrashing legendary and faced the scientists in their iconic labcoats and began to give orders.
“Start the analyzation process, I want as much data as possible from him.”]
This should all be one paragraph. By separating it like this, you’re saying one person thought it, then another is the man turning his back and giving unknown orders, then someone else is saying to get data.
[ I may react badly to the pain ]
It. Proofread.
[“Analyzation is at full power.”
The man looked at the cage and his grin grew wider as tendrils of energy were shocking the legendary with extreme power. Roaring out in pain it began to glow an eerie blue light.]
You don’t analyze things by shocking them.
[“How can you possibly not let us, you are stuck in a cage with your remaining energy fading fast, what hope do you have?”
“I will use what I have left to escape…”]
Why did it wait, though? If it could escape it should have done that from the start.
…and now it’s the same old legendary pokemon are exactly like people who all live in one big house thing.
[I believe that we should initiate the Omega contingency plan. Turning all of us, except you, into human babies and erasing our memories ]
Yeah that’s definitely a better idea than just killing him.
You know, this sort of reminds me of really old stuff about supernatural creatures who were severely limited when it came to actually dealing with people. The legendaries often come off as supremely powerful yet someone subordinate to humans, unable to directly harm them under any circumstances.
I’m not sure you could actually do anything interesting with that, though, since making that explicit relies on a worldview that’s pretty outdated.
Four.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949429/1/Wildfire
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You’re switching between first and third person. Don’t do that.
It’s “eevee”. If you don’t know, look it up.
[Espeon used Physic to chase away the Mightyena ]
That doesn’t work. Also, it’s “psychic”.
[but before she knew it she was devoured by a Tyranitar. ]
Piling up misfortune until it becomes impossible just makes it equally impossible to care.
[Wildfire was in shock as she tried to nudge her mother to wake her up. Wildfire then snuggled up to her dead body as she silently sniffled and cried. ]
The dead body in the tyranitar’s stomach.
[Two Espeon then came ]
Right after you explained that wild espeon are incredibly rare.
[laid her down on bed of wheat ]
Why.
[It had been months now and I had evolved into a Espeon. I was appointed second in command for being with Flareon. The weirdest thing is I have six lavender tails and I have red marking on my back and My gem on my forehead is color orange. Flareon considered me “Special” in a way but I just consider myself abnormal. Many other warriors that joined the clan are envious of me being treated fairly than them]
So they’re a ridiculous mary sue.
This is a horrible mess.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949527/1/Ash-s-Family-Secrets
[Key:
We find our heroes/ Voice over
This Pokemon is known for/ Pokedex/PokéHolder
Rattata is unable to battle/ Referee
Telethy: * Can you hear me?*
Translated PokéSpeech: ‘I want more berries.’]
Your story should not require a key to read. If it isn’t clear from context, your problems go far beyond what any key can fix.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Tia looked up to see almost two dozen Spearow headed their way. Now most normal trainers would piss themselves and run but all Tia did was smirk. ]
No, most trainers wouldn’t be horrified by a bunch of weak pokemon appearing. Trying to pretend your character is super badass for managing something most people would is not impressive.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949673/1/Each-Shard
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Hm. Well, it’s an interesting take on her game dialogue, but really rather cliché as a backstory to be tortured by a nutcase and it really doesn’t make much sense that they’d decide the solution is to destroy her memory instead of just therapy.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8949687/1/Pokemon-Adventure
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8950153/1/The-Story-of-Thing
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Ryan was the product of a rape. Surprisingly it was a Pokémon who initiated. ]
And she didn’t abort why?
[He looked down to see that his body was oozing a pink slime. His mother hadn’t told him that his father was a ditto, so he had no idea what was happening. ]
And somehow it never happened before in his nine years of life.
You’re jumping between past and present tense.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“My mother… She was a human-“
“Ah, that makes much more sense. You were just released by a human girl who couldn’t take care of you anymore.”
Ryan doesn’t like what she just said, his mother took great care of him. “No, she was my real mother…”
“That girl was not your mother, child. She was just a girl who went to a pet shop-“]
See, that would have been a much better backstory. Girl raises baby ditto to think it’s a human avoids so many problems here.
[For the next few years of his life he lived with mother Luxray while she taught him how to live life ]
Why? At nine, he’s almost old enough to be a trainer. Plus, he could always have gone back to his actual mother who he ran away from for no real reason.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8950573/1/New-Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Explorers-of-Time
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Jackie has originally came ]
Your tense here is really messed up.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8950750/1/Unova-here-I-come
Capitalize your title properly.
Write out numbers with letters.
[I already have 14 years, why I isn’t in a pokémon adventure, you may ask, well, I stayed in my house to help my mother, she said my father abandoned me and her a long time ago, and that I have a special ability, I can see ghost pokémon ]
So why isn’t he raising pokemon while he stays home?
You should have a space between all your paragraphs.
[Good day mom. I said. ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ partys ]
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your grammar is horrible. Proofread better and get a beta reader.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8950968/1/New-Toy
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Five short paragraphs is not long enough to be an individual chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8950968/2/New-Toy
Spellcheck.
So basically he murders anyone who doesn’t do what he wants, but it’s okay because he’s nice to them as long as they do exactly what he says and that proves he really cares. Your characters are amazingly flat – he’s killed people they care about and yet they just mourn briefly and move on.
What the fuck.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951005/1/Never-Trust-Lightning
Use paragraphs.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ her Aunt’s ]
It’s not being used as a name, so it shouldn’t be capitalized.
[I apologize for the short chapter, but this was kinda an introductory one. ]
And it’s a bad introduction precisely because it’s too short. You’ve shown a character secretly doing a thing, not what that actually means and what your plot will actually involve. If there’s going to be fallout from her grabbing the pokeball, that’s what your first chapter should go into.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951021/1/Tales-of-Pikachu-Ash-s-Past
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
…holy shit this is a clip show episode. You actually wrote out a bunch of filler that real media only does so they don’t have to pay for most of the episode’s animation. Why the hell did you do this?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951060/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Ranger-Brain-Attack
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[It was almost like a disembodied brain from a human mixed with elements from a horror movie.
It’s hard to think of a vaguer, less helpful description than “elements from a horror movie”, especially given that a disembodied brain already is one.
The floating evil transforming brains are just too ridiculous to take seriously. This reads like you’re trying to write a comic rather than just text, with a lot of focus on what things look like rather than trying to make it sound convincing.
A lot of writers now sound like they’re really describing a script. This one even says the character smashes a tree to show off their power, which is something you do in a visual medium where you need that to communicate that it’s a powerup.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951186/1/Tom-Has-Problems
[“No time for food,” responded Tom. “We got to get to the Pokemon Center.” ]
Pokecenters have food. Free food.
[“Tom, you made me walk all the way to this godforsaken city-“
“Sshhh,” said Tom, rushing to Henry and putting a finger to his lips. “Don’t talk like that! These Saffroners are tough! They’ll skin you alive!”
“No, Tom, they won’t. These guys don’t have the balls to hit me.”]
This is missing the crucial point that why would anyone care how he’s talking in the first place?
If they’re just there to get starters, why did they have to go to the Saffron pokecenter and not the one in their own town? The pokemon world has the ability to teleport around pokemon at will.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
[“Don’t change the conversation Tom,” said Henry. “You lied to me. You lied to me.” Henry pounded his chest, feigning pain.
“You don’t care,” said Tom.]
And I care even less. You seem to be using the dialogue to try to give them character, but all it amounts to is vaguely assholish with dim attempts at snarky.
[“One second,” said Henry. “Excuse me Karate Master? Can I get a bottle of water?”
“One hundred dollars.”
Henry gave him the money ]
This is why it’s a bad idea to just call their money dollars. If you’re desperate to refer to it as a real world currency, call it yen or else convert it to the dollar equivalent.
And now he’s asking a random guy for food. Why isn’t he just carrying food?
And where did the weepinbell come from?
Well, having a character lose their initial gym battle is somewhat different.
[Tom turned away and started yelling, “That’s what I mean! You can’t be serious for one second!” Tom started to walk towards Henry. “You won’t become anything in life you lazy piece of shit!” ]
That seems pretty fair. Unfortunately it seems like the fic will be sticking with the annoying one.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951186/2/Tom-Has-Problems
[Your welcome ]
“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.
And now Henry is going up against an enemy team just because he’s impossibly stupid and doesn’t understand what people mean when they ask you to check things out. His thought process is flat and inhuman here, and it’d also have been so much more interesting if he was doing it because he wanted a chance to fight them instead of because he wanted to do what someone offhandedly asked him.
[“Is that you Josh?” ]
…
[“You’re not John!”]
So which is the right name?
And now he’s easily beating his way through the enemy team. There’s no sense of threat here and with each battle the idea there might ever be suspense in this story fades. After all, you’re showing as a rank newbie he can easily take out multiple adults.
[ its okay.” ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[ She was eleven years old instead of a toddler like he thought so. ]
There shouldn’t be a “so” there and this doesn’t make sense either. No one would hear someone say a kid is left alone at home and assume it’s a toddler being talked about.
[Henry fell anime style at her statement. ]
Don’t do this.
And now he’s got his random traveling companion who doesn’t even like him, as per union regulations for contrivedness.
One.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951413/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Graia-Champion-Chapter-1
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ it’s claws ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[Kwan asked rhetorically ]
You don’t need to say something’s rhetorical if it could only be a rhetorical question.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Two Days Later:]
You really shouldn’t need to label your scenes like this.
[He sighed depressingly, ]
You really need to stop overexplaining things that are obvious from context, and also depressingly isn’t even the right word here. It would mean his sigh made someone feel depressed.
Spellcheck.
Also, your spacing is all messed up.
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8951918/1/Pokemon-Ranger-Guardian-Signs
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Don’t switch around first person POVs. If you want to move between characters a lot, use third person.
None
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952103/1/Pikachu-Village
This isn’t a chapter, it’s a summary.
Spellcheck.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952103/2/Pikachu-Village
Your chapters are far too short and you need much more description.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952326/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Fire-and-Ice-Volume-One
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Nice catch, Sparky! ]
In a world with animals that can actually shoot sparks, people probably wouldn’t give their non-electric dogs a name like that.
[The girl was ten years old, and only a little shorter than Sapphire might be. Her hair, aside from the fact that it was blonde and was long enough to reach her lower back, looked a lot like Red’s. Her eyes were blue, but the rest of her physical features could remind you of Daisy Oak. You could tell her favorite color just by looking at her, and her outfit seemed to be influenced by Gold’s. She had a purple sweater that was obviously based on Gold’s, only it had a yellow star on the upper right of the chest and a white zipper and a white waist, and she always wore it zipped up. She wore somewhat-baggy neon-dark-blue jeans and red fingerless gloves with a shiny light-blue stone in the middle of each. Her shoes were purple with flames along the sides, and white laces. Her hat, which was a baseball cap she wore backwards, was purple with a flame-like pattern on the front (or back, by perspective). She wore green goggles over her cap, and a neon-light-blue scarf that hang a little lower than her hair. ]
The “coulds” here is reminding me of bad roleplay description. Also, don’t infodump. How much of this is actually relevant? You should not need this much detail.
[Swinub, a small pig-like Pokemon with long fur that covers it’s tiny paws and eyes ]
You don’t need to define what a swinub is.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[ “Playing with your Houndoom, I see!” he laughed. ]
Don’t use “laughed” as a speech tag. You can’t laugh a sentence.
Eh, this is a lot of chatter that doesn’t seem to be leading to actual plot.
One. I’m seeing a lot of reviews that are asking people to read their story. Symptom of the low review counts or just a crop of shameless people?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952436/1/Soul-Silver
[Being the daughter of a professor I was bound since birth to the countless days of researching the various types of pokémon. ]
Most of the time we meet a professor, they’re talking about their former days as a trainer, so if anything she should be obligated to go on a journey.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Far too short for a first chapter. Something should actually happen, and no, saying a boy is here to go do a thing somewhere else is not something happening, it’s mentioning it might happen at some point.
Three.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952488/1/The-League
Well, that’s somewhat different, if vague. Not sure why you’re tying it to the whole nuzlocke thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952488/2/The-League
[Theo sighed at the application and its horrific attempt to cover up the fact that this was the only job people born as Newbeings could even get anymore. Normal people were always afraid of what people like Theo could do, so hiring a Newbeing was just too risky. ]
They sound like they’d be in demand for guards in that case. Also, what proportion of the population are they? If they’re actually worthy of that fear and more than a fraction of the total number of people, they should be taking over.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
If she has fits all the time, why would her boyfriend attack Theo immediately rather than assume it’s the usual situation?
[“Annabelle, you have pokerus. Who the hell wants to be on a team with somebody who could kill them just because they dropped your food or something and you got upset. ]
If they’re so looked down on, why wouldn’t people just use the unstable ones as shock troops?
[“No the fact of the matter is, you can’t. So your job is to stay here while Theo and I go to war.”]
So the girl stays because she’s fragile and hysterical while the two male characters leave. Lovely.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952622/1/Fate-is-a-Cruel-Mistress-Rewritten
[ How could anyone perceive a night such as tonight more dangerous than it appeared? ]
Well, yes, it’s generally hard to see something looks more dangerous than it looks. Pay attention to what you’re writing and don’t use words you aren’t sure of.
[It’s sharp ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[Then he saw it. The closest, and most protected building in HQ. His last hope for survival was behind the closed doors of the Laboratory. If he could outrun the monster for just a little while longer, then he would live ]
Except you just said he’s not outrunning it, it’s toying with him by not catching him even though it could at any time. He should be hoping something like that the monster doesn’t realize where they are or else be getting ready to try to dodge it when it finally comes in for the kill, or perhaps most reasonably, hope that there are other people around who’ll help drive it off.
[ With the speed and accuracy he possessed at this time, he pulled out his ID and swiped it over the scanner. ]
Your writing is really awkward and also there’s no way he could swipe a card in time. If you need it, say it’s the kind where you just tap a card. Better yet, don’t have it locked – there’s really no clear reason here why it needs to be.
[Its extended neck had red scales. Its head was shaped like a crocodile’s, except it had the mane of a lion and two long fangs hanging pt of its mouth. ]
That’s idiotic. The point of a lion’s mane is to protect the neck. Sticking it on the end of a long neck just means it’s weighing the whole thing and also screwing up peripheral vision. What sort of morons deliberately stick on an extra feature that serves absolutely no purpose?
Also, crocodile jaws would be terrible on a long neck. There’s a reason their necks are nonexistent, and it’s because their jaws are designed to hold onto struggling prey and drag it around until the animal tires or drowns. If this thing tries that its spine is going to be snapped in a dozen places.
And you need to proofread better.
[Before anyone starts to flame about the ‘Animals in Pokémon!’ thing, I’m going to tell you that there references to animals existing in the world of Pokemon. Example would be episode twenty, when the ghastly transformed in to a mongoose. People in the world of Pokémon have also been seen eating other animals such as fish. There are animals in the world of Pokémon.]
Yes, they’re just not threatening compared to pokemon, so if you’re going to build a deathmonster capable of easily smashing through steel, you don’t build it out of leopards and cobras.
I actually did create a creature once that had a long scaly neck and mane at the top. Also, I was still in elementary school.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952734/1/Illusions-Ancients-and-Legends
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It really doesn’t make any sense that a resurrected fossil would understand human speech or make sense of what’s going on.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
And now it’s murdering someone.
[ “What do you want, intruder?!”Sarah demanded of the ancient Pokemon, taking a step towards it. “… Kaburin… rest… safety…” it replied weakly, collapsing in the doorframe instantly unconscious. ]
It went on a killing spree for no reason. Why would it seek out more people to hang out with while it’s injured? Why isn’t it finding somewhere hidden and alone for safety?
[Kaburin sighed. “I was… escaping capture. Awoke in a… glass tube – I… forced my path out.” ]
There is no clear reason why it assumed it was captured as opposed to aided.
So I guess they’re all going to be fine with its killing spree.
[ Kaburin was surprised – someone, a human, was asking to be a Blade ]
It shouldn’t even know what humans are.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952734/2/Illusions-Ancients-and-Legends
My your plot is all over the place. The resurrected fossil and his killing spree are forgotten for sword training, which in turn gives way to a random stone with writing which then leads to some area with a prophecy which then leads to random magic and the boring human guy being transported somewhere so the zoroark runs into another legendary…
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8952790/1/Johto-Journey
Use capital letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Write out numbers with letters.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953027/1/Pokemon-Spanking
Well that was a waste of everyone’s time.
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953047/1/The-Lighthouse-s-Tale
I’m not sure I follow this.
Preventing people from coming in might do a little to slow word from spreading, but the main problem is the people in the city who know about it, not trainers who don’t have any idea it happened coming in to fight at the gym. And those people should be perfectly capable of calling up outsiders to spill the story, plus – is he also committing to preventing anyone from leaving as well as not letting anyone in? And it doesn’t seem like this would do anything more than delay the discovery, at which point it’ll probably come off even worse.
The idea of being at fault for the deaths because of his selfish insistence to leave the area open for his own enjoyment is a creepy one, and the whole bit with the suicide very disturbing, but the situation here overwhelms everything else to the point this feels more like original fiction – it can fit in canon, but the connection doesn’t add anything. And I’m not sure if you meant for him to come off as quite so terrible, but blacking out a city to try to cover up the deaths of a bunch of children is really, really awful.
[The sunlight outside was blinding – he had a few hours before anyone would notice the lack of electricity. ]
Also electricity is used for more important things than just lighting people’s houses. Hospitals, for example.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953093/1/Pokemon-Nuzlocke-Tournament
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[18. That magic number. The age in which a Hybrid would be forced into the Nuzlocke Tournament. ]
Why? People need to have a reason beyond because you want ridiculous levels of angst. The fact people who look kind of pokemony might be considered less human than regular variety humans doesn’t actually lead directly to mandatory deathmatches. It’s also ridiculously wasteful.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“David! I know you don’t want to do this, but you have to!” Helen was the caretaker at the Hybrid Orphanage. Most Hybrids were orphans due to the Nuzlocke Tournament, and David was no different. David could only think of one Hybrid off the top of his mind who still had a parent]
Then why do they keep having kids? Their death rate is apparently enormous, so they must be really dedicated to making as many new versions of kids to suffer in their poorly explained dystopia as possible.
[Wrfdyfmn yrf dnt nr?” Erica asked from the inside of her Icy Body Suit. Being a Vanillite Hybrid was bad enough, but she was also born an albino, so any prolonged exposure to the sun would be potentially fatal to her. So she remedied this with an Icy Body Suit, which kept her body at a constant 24 degrees Fahrenheit. ]
That’s nonsensical. If she requires below-freezing temperatures all the time, being an albino is irrelevant.
[Remember, the official rules of the tournament state that no one is allowed to do any training beforehand. ]
So I gather there is absolutely no underlying logic here, the whole thing’s just thrown together from whatever you felt like.
[“Ouch. I’m hurt, Davie.” Robby said in feign offense. “Didn’t you know? I’m going to be in the Tournament.”
“You? In the Tournament?” Randy asked nervously.
“Well of course. After all, my father won the Tournament in his day. Why shouldn’t I follow in his footsteps?”]
You said it was mandatory, so why are people talking about it like it’s a choice?
[To be a fucking gay asshole, that’s what! ]
Charming.
[“Basically, they put you in a team of three and have you fight to the death with-” Ross explained.
“EEP!” Randy squealed at the word “death”.
“…with each other until one team is completely dead. That’s why they have the Standby Program. In case someone from a winning team dies, they replace him or her with someone from the Standby Program. They keep the kids from the Standby Program under house arrest so they can always have them ready. That’s what happened to us three. Thankfully, we were lucky enough not to have to join.”
“OK, I kinda get it, but why are we fighting again?” Daniel asked.
“That’s the decision of President Schwedhelm.” Samuel said. “She thinks Hybrids are ‘impure’, so she’s keeping the Tournament alive. The whole thing started about twenty-two years ago when the first Hybrids turned 18 by order of our former President, Zoe Danforth, who had the same philosophy.”
“So they’re just racist?” Daniel asked.]
So too stupid to know basic facts about their world. You know, the president sounds like she has a point. These are clearly not humans.
[ “I suppose that’s what we get for being born in a dictatorship.”
“Well, it isn’t technically a dictatorship.” Samuel said. “It’s technically a direct democracy. But Hybrids aren’t allowed to vote]
So there’s no “technically” about it then, they’re a democracy. It’s truly impressive just how stupid your characters manage to be in so short a timeframe.
Later they get upset because there are too many of them to be on a single team, so it’s inevitable they’ll face each other. Murdering everyone else is fine, though. In fact it’s noble because one of them’s his girlfriend so he’ll kill everyone else to keep her safe!
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953252/1/Dying-Alone-Dying-Sad
Don’t center all your text, it’s annoying to read.
Ew, issuefic that has nothing to do with anything and isn’t even a story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953320/1/Working-Title
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Hey dad ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[You remember how I was telling you about those two Houndoom I was trying to breed for the past six months? Well we had success today. They had a litter of eight Houndour puppies, but we could only keep six at the lab.” His father replied, seeming proud of himself.
“And what did you do with the other two puppies?” Felix replied, still not really paying attention to his father. Seeing as his father was a researcher and breeder for a well known company. Using his phone screen as a mirror, he checked his hair.
“Well, I brought one of them home for you.]
So he took a newborn puppy that’s hours old from its mother.
Also, sentence fragment.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[Its outside in the car along with an empty pokeball for you. ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
Why didn’t he just put the houndour in the pokeball to start with?
None.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953353/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-New-Bond
Why is your story mostly italics?
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[you’re first Pokémon! ]
“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.
[“Sorry it’s a girl, son but—”]
Why would he immediately apologize about that? It’d be one thing if the kid had said he was hoping for a boy, but just assuming that’s inherently a flaw is really weird or indicating a lot more bigotry than I think you intended.
[I felt it was wrong to hurt Pokémon, even if it’s like this. They’re people just like us, right? Why are we pitting them together like beasts to rip each other apart to a bloody death? What if I had accidentally killed Shinx? Sayuri would’ve never forgiven me!
That’s why I never really praised my Pokémon. I did feel they deserved some reward, but they would find none from me. Sometimes I actually felt angry at my Pokémon for what they did to my opponents… sometimes I felt like I went too far… They’re always left in a bloody mess…]
So it’s wrong enough he won’t praise his pokemon, but not so wrong he avoids battling. Also, he’s a shameless liar: [ I smirked when my opponent’s Pokémon’s eyes became swirls; the poor thing was confused! It began punching itself, which I found kinda funny. ]
So basically he’s an asshole who just wants an excuse to be a further jerk to his own pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953353/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-A-New-Bond
[as long as we have those barriers surrounding the towns, Pokémon can’t get in, and we’re safe. But… that means we can’t get out. Everyone’s been trapped in here forever, long before I was even born. Sixteen years of my life, and I’ve never been outside this damn town.
No one even knows which town it is anymore. Every place that’s any place safe from those bastards lost their names. It’s just another safe-house—old features that used to make each town unique were either destroyed or insignificant. ]
Towns and cities aren’t self-sufficient. They don’t have the space to even produce enough food for everyone, let alone other supplies. There shouldn’t be coffee or shirts with logos on them. Makeup won’t exist. Colored contacts certainly won’t
And even if the towns were physically cut off, that’s no reason to forget the names of places, especially when they can still communicate with broadcast.
[she tells me to go to the control room. She sounds a bit… I don’t know, off? Her voice wasn’t the normal Tori I was used to, talking about my appointments. I asked her about it and she just told me to hurry. ]
If she’s possessed or whatever, why doesn’t she just do it?
[ I could hear men shouting orders and women screaming to take cover. ]
So I see the bit last chapter is just illustrating something that’ll be standard for this fic.
[ The bullet sliced through my abdomen, coming clean through my back and landing on the floor behind me. ]
How exactly is the narrator keeping track of the exact location of the bullet’s landing? If you want to write in first person, you can’t do stuff like this.
[ Trees rushed at me as I ran off the beaten path and hid behind a stone wall. I breathed heavily, wincing when I sat down to rest. Some part of me knew it wasn’t over and kept me alert. ]
Some part of them is stupid, because that bullet wound will be fatal all by itself without prompt treatment and it doesn’t look like there’s going to be anyone around to take care of the injured.
People really don’t understand anything about where their stuff comes from, do they?
Two.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953440/1/A-Pokemon-Quest
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[No one wants to start their journey with a Pokemon like me after all…” I said quietly while watching the door with a hint of longing in my eyes.]
This really doesn’t make sense. The fact trainers are shown specific pokemon they get to chose from doesn’t have anything to do with if they want a vulpix. They’re not being offered it.
[Oak had said that it had been discovered that males were rare for my breed of Pokemon, and that perhaps a trainer would want to look after me in the future. ]
If Oak is on board with the plan, why doesn’t he just tell the trainers they can have a vulpix? Your plot makes no sense.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953440/2/A-Pokemon-Quest
[whoever was carrying me perhaps? I couldn’t tell, all I knew was my dream of finding a trainer would be crushed by these… Poke’nappers! ]
How so? They’re stealing it, that must mean they actually want to use it or sell it to someone who does. I could see a lot of reasons to not like being stuffed in a bag by criminals, but “oh no I won’t get to battle!” is not one.
Also a magic unrippable bag that turns off pokemon powers is ridiculous.
None.