Passive, boring protagonists with a stopoff to explore the fact that taking advantage of unconscious girls is hilarious.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953527/1/The-Art-of-Pokemon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[She had to help run the families egg business ]

Family’s. Apostrophe for possessive.

If her family runs an egg business and she’s got classes to take for her license, it sounds like she does know how to start off on her journey.

[Appropriate Clothing (From workout clothes to bathing suits to dresses. Everything. Clothing for every situations.)]

That’s really not how someone would give directions. You might as well just say to take everything. And dressy clothes should be pointless for a school that’s meant to be practical, unless somehow student dances have to do with pokemon training.

A much more realistic way of putting this would be to say to bring a minimum one/two weeks worth of practical clothing you won’t mind getting ripped, a bathing suit, and if there’s actually some point to the dress, one formal outfit.

Also, it’s “every situation”. You have similar wording problems with the rest of the list.

[Her Father ]

It’s not being used as his name here, so it’s not capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[She questioned ]

Questioned does not mean asked a question. It’s closer to “interrogated”.

[“They have magnets at the top of Pokeballs and at the end of each little dangly part there is a magnet too, which connects the two.”]

That sounds really impractical. The dangling chains should end up sticking to each other.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953527/2/The-Art-of-Pokemon

Write out numbers with letters.

[ shes usually ]

She’s. Proofread.

[What? He said wearily into the young man’s head.
“Whoa, did you just talk with your mind?”
Yes, through my Abra’s psychic abilities, I can do that.]

This all seems to be forced quirky filler. None of this seems to hang together, you’re just throwing out a bunch of traits to characterize a cast you didn’t need to introduce in the first place. They’re just there because you thought you should put people in, and it’s really obvious.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

…yeah, hitting the author’s note about submitted OCs sure explained why the chapter was so awful.

Seven.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953597/1/The-Sinnoh-Enchiridion

Write out numbers with letters.

[They tend to be a docile people ]

You just got through saying they’re violent separatists who get into fights with wild pokemon and possibly destroyed an entire land bridge. Possibly they’re beaten down after the genocide that happened when mainlanders got there, but that’s not the same thing as docile.

[Since these native people migrated to the Battle Zone before signs of a written language were discovered near Solaceon Town and other ruins, stories were passed orally through generations. ]

Discovered and invented are two different things. I think you mean they migrated earlier than the earliest written language known to date.

[The single most famous of these stories surprisingly does not detail hostilities between the Sinnohans and natives, but rather one friendly relationship that changed the lives of many. ]

So their pre-contact oral history is gone then.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953651/1/Jirachi-s-Anthem

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[angrily reacted Matt. ]

If something is obvious from the dialogue, stating it again afterward is at best redundant and at worse, as does here, it makes the dialogue look ridiculous. Try something simple, like “shouted”.

[“You can’t bring peace to the world with fear and power! You don’t have any idea what kind of power you’re dealing with. Half the world’s gone to shit because of your interfering and you getting absolute power over all pokemon will end life as we know it.” responded Matt.]

It would be nice to have more context here. What you have here are just two people yelling at each other that no, *you’re* the one that’s wrong. I see no reason to favor one side just because Mr. Shouty is the protagonist and Other Mr. Shouty isn’t.

[The battle went on for what seemed hours. Trading blow for blow each move until both trainers had only one pokemon left. With each strike the earthquakes grew stronger and fiercer. They seemed evenly matched, but Matt was growing more worried. Chandelure was growing more tired after each move and no matter how hard he hit Damien’s Haxorus ]

Except Chandelure and Haxorus were the ones sent out first. Unless they have multiple chandelure and haxorus, this doesn’t make sense.

[ He had to think of something fast.  ]

If this is actually a battle for the fate of the world, why doesn’t he just attack the guy going to destroy the world rather than resolving this by seeing whose pokemon is stronger?

[“Wait, that’s it!” he deduced. ]

Just stop doing things like this. It’s awful.

And now for no reason being about to fall off a mountain cures insanity, but only temporarily so the character will explain that while they realize their error, if they don’t die now they’d totally do it again. God that’s stupid.

[“You want to know my wish? I will gladly reveal it to you. I won’t let you do this again. Grant me the power to stop you from bringing any more suffering to this world!” ]

Wouldn’t a more practical wish be to just order it to go away?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8953946/1/Words-of-Steel

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Living in Black City, one of the most industrialized and non-pokémon-friendly places in the region didn’t help either, with the only occasional pokémon being Rattata and Trubbish. I vowed to catch only the rarest of rare pokémon out there ]

Okay but *why*? If he lives in a place where pokemon are extremely rare, practically any pokemon should be a big deal. And also, he’s never going to get a chance to go catch rare pokemon if he doesn’t get a pokemon to battle them with and travel. It’s like refusing to learn how to swim because of your lifelong goal to swim the English Channal.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[By the time of my eleventh birthday, I realized that I’d get nowhere in my training life if I didn’t convince my parents that becoming a trainer was my dream and leave home. ]

No, they’re getting nowhere because they refuse to get a damn rattata and actually go be a trainer. I would have flat out banned them from ever being a trainer by now given how much of a fuckup they are.

[If I couldn’t get a starter that was awesome from the start, I’d catch an ordinary pokémon that I would train like crazy until it was the very definition of awesome.
Once I chose what that pokémon would be of course.]

I’m not sure how they expect this idiot to have any success as a businessman either, admittedly.

Why do people want to write about how their characters are whiny entitled little shits? A poor character living in an industrialized area that’s nothing like the pollution-free ideals of Pokemon, who goes out and catches a rattata because that’s what lives there and sets out to be the best anyway – that’s so much more interesting than dumbfuck here sitting around whining he wants a dragon.

As a related issue, more people getting their first pokemon on their own would be great. The only time it seems to happen in fanfic is when they stumble upon some bloody eevee.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8954017/1/A-Tragedy-To-Be-Reckonded-With

Your title is misspelled.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[my triplet brother ]

Redundant.

This whole fic seems really pointless. There’s no drama to the accident when you start off establishing he’s in the hospital doing okay, and the rest is just bland people blandly chatting at each other.

One, but it’s the author, as they’re too incompetent to realize they can just edit their story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8954082/1/Garden-of-Innocence

Why would N be working with Ghetsis by this point?

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

…oh jesus. So, you have four boys in the important group, with the dragon-getting hero the male protagonist both times. Then you put the girls in the second group, of people who met Team Plasma but were totally irrelevant, but hey, they have “strong relations with certain individuals in group one ” and everyone knows the most a girl can hope for is that her boyfriend accomplishes something.

[Team Plasma has taken the liberty of collecting them for the experiment, but Ghetsis has told me nothing of how he came to finding them and what method he used to capture them. It doesn’t really matter how they got here, anyways. As long as they haven’t been harmed in the process of their capture, I have no reason to question his methods. ]

Except Ghetsis is evil and N figured that out already.

The worst part is I’m pretty sure the author’s female.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8954410/1/A-Dare-of-Dating

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Don’t label flashbacks, it should be clear from context.

Stop abusing epithets.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8954739/1/Pokemon-A-Champion-s-Work

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Your dialogue is really slow and plodding. Ask yourself what the purpose of a conversation is and then make sure to focus on that.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Exactly, and who wants to rage a war with Team Rocket? ]

I think you mean “wage”.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8954865/1/Nial-and-friends-adventures-in-hoenn

Capitalize your title properly.

Generally terrible, try harder.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8955179/1/Welcome-to-Daichi

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Your characters are overemoting. Description is good, but it shouldn’t get to the point where it’s a distraction.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8955754/1/Best-of-Negaishipping

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

If you haven’t thought of a story yet, why the hell are you posting? You won’t die if you don’t post right this instant. Spend the time you’re wasting on spamming the category actually writing your story.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956012/1/Red-Aura

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[ This trainers name ]

Trainer’s.

This seems to have very little story compared to how much recapping and retelling you’re doing.

[Mew is the Raito neko, the Light cat. ]

As I thought Death Note made clear, raito is not Japanese for light, it’s just an alternate pronunciation for the transliteration of the word light into their writing system. So you didn’t name his mew light in another language, you named it in butchered English. It’s as stupid a name as Hikari Katta.

Which is not to say the Death Note people were wrong to like Raito – it’s a really good pun.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956252/1/PMD-Hunted

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[most Pokemon’s  ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, that certainly got creepy. The drama is somewhat undermined by how perky and over the top your characters generally are, though.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956516/1/Mind-Poison

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

[ to Pokemon, a Charizard and a Salamance, ]

Two, not to.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Well, the opening is rather dull and cliché, but insane murderous pokemon seem interesting.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956412/1/Oddity-in-Unova

[nurse Joy  ]

It’s her title, so it’s capitalized.

[Its midday, ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

It’s nice of her to be willing to feed her pokemon over feeding herself, but pokecenters provide free food and beds.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956412/2/Oddity-in-Unova

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

…so, a random guy picks her up and takes her back to the station? Her pokemon are really terrible bodyguards.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956412/3/Oddity-in-Unova

[“By the way, we are washing your clothes since they were all stained and smelled of salt water.”
Toby looked down, realizing that she wasn’t wearing an orange tank top and black cargo shorts like she was before, but she was now wearing a large, unfamiliar shirt instead.
“What the…” Toby smelled herself, expecting to smell salt water but she smelled of Iris Spring soap instead.]

…since you seem to be writing this as wacky hijinks, it’s too much to hope her next move is reporting them to the police, isn’t it?

[“Hey, this is basically kidnapping, rape, and assault,” Toby moaned under his weight.
“Heh heh, I guess you’re right,” Emmet said, getting off of her.
“Night,” he said immediately getting into bed.
‘What the heck is wrong with these brothers?’ Toby asked herself as she laid back down on the floor.]

Wow and you managed to get even worse from there. Done with this, then.

Christ.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956592/1/The-Jellicent-creepypasta

[Nuvema town ]

Capitalize both parts of a name.

You really need to use more commas.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Captain Ashwood opened his eyes and saw a Jellicent staring at him with it’s blue eyes and had it’s tentacles wrapped around him so he couldn’t move ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Also, you realize what you wrote is that he saw the tentacles around him and the fact he couldn’t move, which is normally something people feel.

[as the Jellicent tore off more skin and then tore off Captain Ashwoods face in one swoop and Captain Ashwood closed his eyes as he felt nothing but pain ]

So first it tears his entire face off, and then he closes his eyes, which is part of his face?

Also, it’s “Ashwood’s”, apostrophe for possessive.

Your gore is poorly written, you’re writing it like all that matters is saying how over the top it is. It’s like a horror director trying to scare people by spraying twice as much blood around, if the cast and script are still wooden it doesn’t matter.

[His brothers had taken the boat to be made into part of the nest and all the females were cooing over the new eggs to be cared for, so the Jellicent slowly swam to the castle like nest and placed the egg with his mate and the Female started cooing over it and made room for it with the other eggs, no one would have known that the Frillish inside was once human. ]

Don’t capitalize female, also this doesn’t make sense, if males can create their eggs why would females be prone to cooing over them? If you’re going to make a point about their sex in the first place, why not just make the jellicent making the egg a female one?

Longer than the story itself.

And yet, it has two reviews.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8956802/1/Shadows

[“Shade, you have great power. I know you probably don’t understand most of what I’m saying, but you possess the gift of Dimensional Scream. You see, it is –”
“Meow!” Shade blinked her eyes charmingly and looked up at her mother, totally clueless as to what her mom was trying to say to her. “Mew?” She meowed again. Her mother sighed, smiling.]

If you want to get exposition while the character’s still a baby, it’d make more sense to have her mother talking about it to someone else while she mews obliviously in the background.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ If I can get her to tell me what she sees in her visions, I can become near invincible! I will know the future! ]

If all he wants is consultation, wouldn’t it be easier to just get the family to join him? I mean, if he’s a widely hated dictator or something, I can see how that’d be a problem, but you don’t really explain that, it’s just straight to attacking.

[Shade was guided to a mainly gray room with many training dummies scattered about, all different shapes, sizes, colors…  ]

Why, though? He doesn’t want her for her super fighty skills, he wants her super predicty skills. Training her as a super fighter is just making her less dependent on his good will.

[ and often requires intense mental, physical, and intellectual training to achieve the highest mastery of said ability. ]

Aside from that being contrived, that still doesn’t mean he has to teach her fighty skills. You can be extremely physically fit and disciplined without knowing anything about how to handle yourself in a fight.

[To make the battle “fair”, I will not use my static ability ]

Everything about abilities suggests they’re automatic.

[Wait… found? He wasn’t kidnapped?” Arrow said. He was oblivious that Shade was listening in. Thankfully, she had only caught the following words: “He… was found… north… Abyss… Rescue Team…” She cocked her head and rushed off to her next class. ]

All this does is make everyone involved look like idiots. If he’s keeping up a fiction around her and presumably the rest, he wouldn’t be in the habit of blurting things out, and his henchmen wouldn’t be in the habit of bringing the subject up around others either. And there’s no point to this incredibly contrived scene since she doesn’t hear it anyway.

Well anyway.

You should have a better reason she’s being trained as a fighter. Having her convince him that she wants to be a fighter as well as one of his many pet oracles would work better – it’d also make her less passive and also show how close their relationship is if he’s willing to change the usual rules for her to do something else beyond what he kidnapped her for.

So many of these stories have the problem of utterly reactive protagonists. It is a rare story that wouldn’t be better if the character did stuff on their own.


One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8957242/1/Don-t-Say-Uncle

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is cute, builds nicely and has a good finish, but you’ve really got to stop sticking colons and semicolons all over the place.


Two, neither of which gets it.


That’s the last of the 28th so I’m almost caught up. And just in time.