And then Farla remembered she doesn’t give a fuck about who Ash ends up with, and decided to leave romance to fester in its own incompetence. Anyone else should feel free to head out to review them with the dialogue explanation. Then people can yell at you too!
Anyway, a better crop of stories today, thank god.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8866746/1/The-Forever-Trilogy-The-Restored-Files
You really shouldn’t be opening your story with a long list of everything that’s happened. If this stuff is relevant, you should dole it out during the story. Also, trying to give a long history of things tends to sound ridiculous, as it does here. There’s a lot of things happening for no discernible reason, and the history seems flat because there’s no sense of context. All you needed to say was that the pokedex holders won and retired because everything was fine, then jump into the present and how it’s different.
The actual story section is better, but it’s not giving much information, and most of what’s mentioned you just explained in the history section so it’s boring to hear it again. You should always ask yourself what the purpose a line of dialogue has. Ideally, you want to be telling the reader things indirectly, without resorting to just flat out writing your history.
This is the new “opening with a prophesy saying the plot”, I guess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8866863/1/Gnosia-Stella-Coronae
Hm. This is decently written, but rather slow. I really think you could stand to have drastically cut back the chatter between side characters. Even if it does matter that Morgan likes to lie in bed and gets mad if anyone mentions it, you haven’t even finished introducing your main character, let alone begun your plot. And people yelling at other people to get ready just isn’t very interesting. I like the skarmory, though.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8866897/1/The-Tale-of-Delibird
[buThe Tale of Delibird/b ]
FFN ignores html coding and strips the brackets. It’s important to check your story after you upload.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This really needs to be edited. You start out in first person and stay in that for the first past section. Then you switch to third person and refer to the absol as “they” instead of a gender, then you start saying “it”.
And it’s just not much of a story. It’s a bunch of bad things happening because the pokemon’s unlucky and eventually it turns into another pokemon so it doesn’t have that problem any longer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8866914/1/Armonia
Don’t delete and repost, it’s childish.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8866952/1/Amnesia
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ in petite wooden room ]
Firstly, you need an a. Secondly, petite is the wrong word, it’s not an all-purpose synonym for small.
Also, you need commas. You should get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867144/1/When-I-Look-Into-Your-Eyes
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ The ephemeral personalities of her brother awed her, because she knew he rarely meant it if he was snappish, or even full of anger. ]
Personality. Also, what does it awing her have to do with her understanding it?
Anyway, this doesn’t seem to go anywhere, it’s just belaboring what was already clear in the movie. There’s no sign anything’s changing in this story – that the day after her brother’s death and a month after his death and a year after his death will be any different. The closest it gets to that is suggesting that eventually she’ll die from endlessly grieving.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867338/1/Noir
Eh, this really doesn’t seem to fit their relationship in canon, and N here doesn’t sound like someone who’d grow up into the N of the games. It reads like dark original fiction – the subject overwhelms everything else.
Everyone also needs to stop doing this, it’s so trite.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867505/1/Life-s-Unexpected-Journeys
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Your formatting is hard to read. It’s important to have spaces between paragraphs.
Nothing much happened in this chapter. There’s some crazy guy in the opening, which is okay, but then the rest is just some normal guy quitting his normal job because he thinks he’d like another normal job better, and then normally doing normal things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867505/2/Life-s-Unexpected-Journeys
Normal, normal, normal, ah finally there’s crazy guy again.
[He was here to be used as a test dummy. ]
Test subject, test dummy is a very different thing.
This is really, really slow, and mostly you’re listing events, not how your character feels about them, which makes it a lot less engaging. Was there really any point in all the setup before your main character gets kidnapped? Why does he just placidly go along with the testing instead of trying to fight back?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867604/1/Eight-Phases-of-the-Moon
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This really doesn’t seem like a pokemon fic. All you did was name some of your OCs after legendary pokemon.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867631/1/Archeron-Chronicles-Relics-of-Moe
Nonstory chapters are banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867649/1/Antidote-Needed
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[His once feather like tail had lost it’s glossy sheen ]
Feather-like.
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
She really doesn’t seem to be trying all that hard. If she doesn’t want to move her wartortle, she could split up, leaving a pokemon there to guard the pokeball and searching for a trainer herself. Or she could wait there and send out her pokemon with notes asking for an antidote from her sketchbook. Or they could look for the right berry. And so on. There’s more options than just keep going and sit around hoping someone will stumble over them to help.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867769/1/when-you-reallly-listen
This isn’t a fic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867864/1/Black-Prince
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8867997/1/Broken
Your sentences are a mass of jumbled, illegible messes. Stop using semicolons entirely.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868033/1/Memories
[I’m sorry, mother, ]
When it’s used in the place of a name, it’s capitalized like a name.
[“It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you, you and that bloody dragon are always causing trouble,” an angry voice seethed, “go the hell to your room, you little shit. ]
This looks like it’s two separate sentences, so it should be written as “It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you, you and that bloody dragon are always causing trouble,” an angry voice seethed. “Go the hell to your room, you little shit.
[its Poké ball ]
Anything that’s not a name shouldn’t be capitalized. Also, write it as one word.
Anyway, nice to see some non-abusive Ghetsis, this makes so much more sense for him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868063/1/Torn
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[In the shade that a child decided to make use of, laid a reading little girl and a sleeping Slowpoke. ]
Your sentences are irritating to read because they don’t seem to be coherent thoughts. From what you say here, there’s a thing (shade a child decided to use) and AT THAT THING, there IS ALSO a kid using it. It’s like you couldn’t decide which way to say this, so you said it twice and mashed the two together with no regard for the mess.
Also, pretty sure that should be “lay”.
[every once in awhile coming down to rub the pink amphibious creature whom snoozed soundly on her lap ]
Slowpoke are pretty large. I’m not sure even just its head would fit in her lap.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Her face lit up, hopeful with her doe eyes begging him to say so. ]
Seriously, your descriptions just don’t seem to connect up properly, it’s like you’re throwing everything all in a big muddle. Get a beta reader or just stop trying so hard.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868169/1/Shadowed-Path
Don’t open with a prophesy. They’re terribly overdone and they’re not good writing because you’re outlining your plot and spoiling suspense.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And then some people talking vaguely. Nothing about how abandoning the eevee will prevent or even delay its destiny, or how they know about the destiny, or why they’re so scared of it, just vaguely, something important is going to happen, probably, at some point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868169/2/Shadowed-Path
Hm, that was more interesting. I like how you describe the city and the way he treats the baby eevee.
[“Now you can go with one of two options. You can either send him back into the wild, or… you can take care of him ]
But it’s apparently a newborn. People who find newborn animals and bring them in generally aren’t told that nevermind, just put it outside again and it’ll be fine. It seems more likely she’d say that he can keep it or else they’ll find a pokemon to foster it.
[There was something about this Eevee which endeared itself to Slick, which seemed to beg for Slick to take the Eevee with him on his journey. Its fur rippled with the pulsating lifeblood coursing deep within its body, the ears flicking in desperation even as its nose twitched with eagerness. Mystic voices echoed in Slick’s ears, their words jumbled together and incomprehensible. ]
And this is really heavyhanded. Maybe it’d work if this was a bidoof, where the average trainer would need an extra kick to decide to take it with them, and even then it seems it’d be less contrived to just say the trainer just thought it was cute or felt bad for it, rather than Fate smacking him in the face saying he has to do this.
[Slick nodded and picked up the Eevee from the counter. “Thank you, and I will,” said Slick, smiling as he gazed down upon the young cub in his arms, the cub beginning to sob harder as Slick picked him up. ]
But you just said it was sleeping peacefully. Also, kit, not cub.
[and your name will be… Insyte ]
It’s generally really dumb for a spoken name to have a silly spelling.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868169/3/Shadowed-Path
Continues to be nicely developed, though you have really got to spellcheck.
[A blue light flashed around Insyte’s body as experience points flowed into him, strengthening him in body, mind, and spirit, as with Firaga and Rush’s Poke Ball. “Um, uh, thank you,” said Insyte, glancing up at Firaga with a smile as Slick sent out Rush again to feed him a pecha berrry. “You sav-“
“Quiet, Insyte,” said Firaga harshly, glaring at the Eevee. “You shouldn’t have been the one fighting the Drowzee in the first place. Slick was going to send me out, and you jumped the gun.” He pointed a claw at himself. “You almost stole MY experience points there. If you ever do that again, I’m going to claw your ears off!”]
Game abstractions don’t really work outside of it. Experience points are the game’s way of quantifying the experience of doing things. If they were just magic powerup points you got jammed into you when a pokemon fainted, they wouldn’t be specifying it’s about experiencing things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868299/1/Whispers
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, this is short but to the point, and it has a nice sense of gathering gloom to it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868299/2/Whispers
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Characters waking up and going about their ordinary routine is generally not very interesting. Ask yourself what purpose the scenes you’re writing serve.
…they’ve had pokemon for four years, and never even figured out how to catch a pokemon? Making your characters incompetent idiots whose stupidity means another character has to repeat the game’s lecture on pokemon capture yet again doesn’t endear me to them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868891/1/Transatlanticism
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
If you want Mewtwo to be in love with this girl, you should really show it better than having him say she’s harmless and she feeds wild pokemon, therefore true love.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8868961/1/New-Era-Next-Generation
Your author’s note should follow the same rules of the English language as the rest of your fic.
Actually, hospitals are generally the accepted place to abandon unwanted children. This would be even more true about newborns, who generally aren’t even allowed to leave the hospital immediately even with their parents.
[ agreed to prior before hand ]
They agreed to it before before? Think about what you’re writing.
[She didn’t hail a cab or anything because she didn’t want anyone else to see that she has a baby with her, sure the walk will be uncomfortable but thanks to labor medications that the doctor have given her is still in effect so the walk wouldn’t hurt just feel funny and uncomfortable. ]
In what world is walking down the street less noticeable than being driven? A cab driver sees lots of people so the odds of them caring are low. And why can’t her husband just drive her there? Also, no, a woman who’s just given birth and needed painkillers for the process will not be up for a long walk. If this was her first labor, it could easily have taken a day or more to give birth, she should be passed out now.
[All the while her baby is making cute little cooing noises and looking up innocently at her mother.]
Nope, newborn babies are squishy little squallers whose eyes don’t even focus.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869092/1/Angels
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[One would think: “Whoa, why didn’t you have a Pokemon? All kids start with their first Pokemon at the age of ten!”]
God, I wish. No, in addition to overage trainers being a terrible writing decision in general, they’re also a terrible cliché.
Let’s just run through things quick. Parents can’t ban their kid from being a trainer and it’s really, really easy to get a pokemon if your friends have one. Step one: your friend catches a pokemon. Step two: they hand you the pokeball.
[I may as well tell you my name, just so you can quit nagging at me.
My name is Cristale, and I am a fifteen-year-old girl who is running for her life and watching the largest city in Kanto burn down.]
I get what you’re trying to do but the constant “I’m not telling you yet” is just irritating filler. This doesn’t sound natural at all, it just sounds like you’re trying to pad out your too-short opening chapter, which incidentally, is still way too short and should be the opening to something longer rather than posted by itself. Also, her name is ridiculous.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869245/1/Another-Shade-of-Red
Characters being bored and talking about their clothes continues to not be interesting.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[My mother is basically the only person who can get more than a word from me, other than that I’m not very talkative. Some call me antisocial because I don’t speak; I drown them out and think they’re not worth my time. ]
If you pay attention to the dialogue, it’s clear the character does speak, the game just doesn’t show his side of the conversations.
[I now see it’s a Squirtle, one of the Pokémon Professor Oak gives away to beginner trainers. ]
Also, the game’s plot is not the anime’s. In the game, Oak only has three pokemon and he doesn’t give a damn about beginner trainers, he just wants you to go fetch something for him and then do his research for him.
[ recording their data in your Poké-” Professor Oak stops, turning to his desk to pick up something. “Now where’d I put them?” He kneels down and takes something from under his desk, a box. “Here they are, your Pokédexes. They hold data of every Pokémon discovered so far. ]
If they already have the data, then there’s no point in sending kids out to record the data, now is there?
Basically, if you want to rewrite the games, go back and actually play the opening, instead of going on hazy memories mostly of the anime.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869355/1/Nurse
Actual drabbles! That’s a nice change.
[She doesn’t ask him what he expects her to do with a pokémon too strong for a beginner but too weak for an experienced trainer, too tame to release but too wild to make a good pet. ]
Well, aren’t there any intermediate trainers?
[“Jigglypuff,” she finally suggests. Cute. Nonthreatening. And pokémon — other, different, any pokémon — are easier to catch when they’re sleeping. ]
She’s good at this!
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869355/2/Nurse
I like how well you show her caring in actions – [She hung it herself two hours ago, high enough to be out of sight of the little ones. ] says so much. And the second one is sweet.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869560/1/Change-A-new-fire
Capitalize your title properly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ “Hey look who’s finally here!” a female voice pointed out, making the class start laughing. “I thought your loser of a dad didn’t have enough money to send you to school anymore ]
Then why is she going to trainer school in the first place? From the sounds of it she’s more than old enough to be a trainer and learn this stuff from experience instead.
[ a rough kick to my chair shattered my little dream. Ada was trying to get me to react to her little stunts so she could finally let the teacher call me in for detention and hopefully suspend me for a few days. ]
Your character is a misery sue and it’s annoying. There’s just no point to this beyond poor her, everyone hates her, she’s going to go eat some worms.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
[“Oh my, look at Amber! What’s the matter with you huh? Too prehistoric like your name describes you to be to even remember how to keep your balance when sitting down?” ]
Popular girls are usually capable of insults that don’t sound idiotic. If they’re going to insult her name, saying she’s as bright as a rock is snappier and gets to the point.
[ Her influence must have been really big for the teacher to not make a move on her since all he did was look at me with eyes full of pity. ]
There is absolutely no reason given in the story for why this should be true. Your explanation for her popularity is something only kids should care about. Also, even if there’s some reason he can’t punish her, it’s incredibly easy to just move the character’s seat so she’s not in kicking range.
[He started discussing about how some Pokémon will react to certain kinds of items which could cause evolution and later on, added that there are some that would evolve during night. ]
This is one of the problems with trainer schools in fanfic, they talk about really basic stuff players easily memorize just by playing the game. If you want to sell this as an actual school, it’s going to have to involve more than that. Learning stat ranges for each species, for example, is useful but complex enough it couldn’t be picked up immediately, particularly since those are probably even more wobbly than the programmed range found in the same. And being able to eyeball a pokemon and guess their stats would
[”It’s about time dad came home,]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
So…you say that all the pokemon but the bulbasaur are pure grass which is why she wants the bulbasaur, then she notices an exeggcute? Since she’s picking a pokemon based on what Ada picked, it’d make more sense to give her another reason to go for the bulbasaur (for example, that the bulbasaur is presumably the strongest, since starters are generally superior to the average pokemon) followed by deliberately selecting a pokemon just to beat Ada’s.
[Not wasting any time, Ada made the first move. “Bulbasaur! Use leech seed!” she commanded her Pokémon. ‘Since Exeggcute is part Psychic, it might be able to deflect the attack’ I thought. “Alright Exeggcute; use confusion to send back the attack!” I shouted.
The match didn’t last long after that. With Ada’s Bulbasaur not quick enough to escape its own leech seed; and falling prey to my Exeggcute’s hypnosis plus dream eater combo. It had managed to wake up in the middle of it and used a powerful vine whip against my Exeggcute but we managed to beat them using Exeggcute’s unique move, barrage]
If you’re writing kids at a school for this, they really should have some basic competency.
Poison is weak to psychic, but you have her thinking of it primarily as a way to deflect the leech seed, and finishing the pokemon off with a normal-type move. And Ada doesn’t seem to have any grasp of types either if she’s ordering vine whip instead of trying to paralyze or knock it out. (Also, grass types should be immune to leech seed, though it’s understandable to ignore that rule.)
[So Amber’s finally going to Johto in the next chapter. Will her life finally take a turn for the better? ]
Since you’re hinting heavily she’s going to pay for beating the other girl in a fight, I’m assuming no, it’ll just be more misery.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869564/1/Shiny-Perspective
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This really doesn’t seem to have any point to it. If there’s some new adventure coming, you should start writing a chapter there, not a chapter of filler that ends saying later things will actually happen.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869665/1/Embracing-Enmity
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[ or father’s!” ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.
[“You’ve got to think I’m either stupid or easily charmed for just saying that,” she snarled, her claws lying against her hips, “You expect a lady to just forgive everything after she finds out that you’ve been breaking into her private matters..?”
“Well,” another Zangoose playfully answered, “We hope so. We are men, doesn’t this ‘curiosity’ add any further to our charm?”]
This is like a bad manga.
Look, these are pokemon. You can give them any social structure you want. Even if it’s sexist, it doesn’t have to involve reciting sexist cliches.
…so, her dad is around? Then why does her mother’s conversation revolve around how her dad might hypothetically feel, as if the guy is dead or at least out of contact?
[Then, there was silence between father and daughter.
“Hey, Daggertail!” a raspy voice hissed, “You’re not gonna live your entire life in a hole, are you?”]
I assume there’s meant to be some sort of scene break there?
So, the moral is the aggressive female zangoose and the timid male seviper end up a match? Kind of telegraphing things, but so long as they don’t end up switching roles, okay.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869694/1/Tie-It-Up-and-End-It
[My grammar/Spelling is bad, so please don’t try and correct me. ]
Don’t read my story, it sucks and I refuse to ever improve, you say? Well, okay, if you insist.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869715/1/A-meeting-that-changes-everything
Capitalize your title properly.
[3 For English readers I apologize for the bad English but I’m French and my transcript written English is pretty bad this is therefore an automatic translator. ]
Then why didn’t you just post it in French?
[ a young boy, between eight and nine years old, jet black hair, dark amber eyes, a lightning-shaped mark on each cheek and dressed of sneakers, jeans, a black T-shirt, a blue jacket and a red cap, ]
You don’t need to list off every piece of his description.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[That’s it, it will more and you want to continue, please, you can even copy paste this fic as prologue. I just ask you to tell me and follow some instructions that follow:
1 couple is obviously Ash-Anabel, Sacha-Annabelle, Satoshi-Lila, a shipping Ability anything.
2 The story will follow the story of the anime and movies but not entirely their scenario. That is to say that you can forget some adventure, added other, forget some Pokémon and make him catch the other, may be one or two legendary (but not divine level).
3 Pierre will join the group but none of the girls cannot except if it is temporarily, ex Dawn until the first contest where she decides to accompany a little Zoe, of course they can appear several times.
4 Ash, of the game offered by Scott and Anabel company will be calmer, more knowledgeable and a little more strategic.
5 Ash and Anabel love to compete with one another, they participate together all forms of Pokémon tournament, unless the tournament Islands Oranges or participate only Ash. They will also discover the Pokémon contest when they travel to Johto, they will participate with joy seeing another opportunity to be confronted with each other and learn new things
6 Anabel convinced his brother, Lucian future advises four Sinnoh, get in touch with his friend who came Aura Guardian lead Ash. When the latter began his trip to, the guard gives him a Riolu egg.
7 On the road to Viridian where Ash must join Anabel, it stops at the river of their childhood and discovers a minidraco with high affinity for water (naturally learns attacks that water should not know ), Ash captures it. This will Minidraco in history evolved into Draco and then a Pokemon-like FF8 Leviathan (see profile photo history)
8Ash’s Eevee should evolve in Lavanville spectrum version of it (for me like Espeon but with two totally separate tails, blue collar and a night and a mane made of gas and wisp)
9 When they leave Scott offers Ash and Anabel glove trainer they can carry six Pokémon more. Ash gift to benefit by more frequent exchanges between his Pokémon.
10 Scott did discuss about the Battle Frontier after they pass the Sinnoh League (where they have heard thanks to Paul’s brother). After their victory they accept a place in time that extreme genius for a year or two before from time to Unova and return to settle permanently as champion extreme.]
Christ. Look, if you want someone to write you an enormous fic according to your exact specifications, go figure out what you’re going to give them to pay for it first.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8869845/1/Synthesis-and-Revision
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“One that increases pleasure in humans,” Ghetsis said. Colress felt his gag reflex attempt to trigger.]
This is ridiculous. Happy drugs are totally standard cult stuff and not synonymous with rape drugs, murderrape drugs, or whatever else Colress is picturing that’s so upsetting him.
Anyway Colress doesn’t seem like a good fit for this, he doesn’t seem to particularly care about this or be too concerned by Ghetsis.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870082/1/Black-roses
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870090/1/Dust-and-Bone-Edition
Well, that’s a bit different than usual, but pretty vague at the moment. A first chapter’s meant to give an idea of what the story’s about, and this one doesn’t, unless it’s just going to be a series of gruesome snippets.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870125/1/Goodbye-Jessie-remake
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Jessie, James and Meowth, one of the many evil trios in the evil Team Rocket, sat by the small campfire, with James’ Yamask and Jessie’s Woobat joining them. As they ate (which is rare because their always starving), a little wormhole appeared in the place of the bright fire.
“Jimmy, is it April fool’s day yet?” Meowth asked, trying to touch the wormhole, bracing himself to get burned. As he touched it, he got sucked into the hole in the fire!]
This is inane.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
This really doesn’t seem to have anything to do with pokemon. It’s just people getting harassed by Slenderman, the fact they’re supposed to be Team Rocket stops mattering almost immediately.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870201/1/The-Mysterious-Region-of-Mokjo
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You really don’t need to spend a chapter on Ash getting ready to go somewhere. The only part of this that wasn’t predictable and therefore unneeded was the text from Misty, after that you should have just skipped to the new region.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870222/1/If-you-knew
This is an incoherent mess. Also, songfic is banned.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870337/1/Pokemon-TRI
[FLASHBACK START ]
Don’t label flashbacks or scene changes, this kind of information should be conveyed through the narration.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is generally a mess, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870460/1/Contrast
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Punctuation belongs at the end of all of your sentences, not just some of them.
[A big thank you to Ruggler354 who serves ad the betareader for this chapter. ]
Find a better beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870590/1/Will-of-Steel
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
You start off in past tense, jump to present then go back to past. Proofread better.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[I was supposed to be traveling to Pallet Town to pick up my first Pokémon. ]
[“Was this… Jinga… a companion of yours?”
“She’s a Gengar. Used to belong to my mother…]
Then why is she saying she’s going to get her first pokemon? If you mean she’s going to get a starter pokemon, that’s a little different – and even then, if she already has a perfectly good pokemon, there’s no point in that – in every continuity, the majority of trainers don’t have one of the set starters.
If there’s more going on here – the gengar is just carrying out her mom’s last wishes and won’t be sticking around for her to become a trainer or something – you should clarify.
[“Adios, Ariados ]
Did you mean to say Astrid, or is there some joke here I’m not getting?
[Between Mai’s sneakers, sitting in the sand, was a green half-sphere. The hinge that had kept both sides together was twisted, and there was no top to be seen. This Pokéball was wooden; apparently made by the famous Kurt of Johto. It had once held a Pokémon, a ghostly entity that had been the closest companion of the late Anita Sullivan. But now it was empty and had been that way when Astrid had found it poking out of the sand close to where he had, 24 hours prior, found Mai. The girl tried to mark it up as someone else’s discarded Pokéball, but she recognized her mother’s engraved heart on the outside, just under the broken hinge. There was no doubt in her mind that it was her mother’s, and she had succeeded in finding Jinga’s Pokéball. Unfortunately, there was no Jinga. ]
[I’ve lived for fifteen years, and I’ve never met a human who didn’t want me dead, or to wear as a skin or show as a hunting trophy. ]
That doesn’t seem to make much sense, since lucario seem like moderately popular pokemon and certainly not the sort of troublemakers people would want dead on principle.
So…shouldn’t they be trying to look for her? It shouldn’t be too hard, since presumably Jinga is around in the area and looking for them. If Jinga wouldn’t behave the same as a regular pokemon and there’s some reason why she’d just leave once her pokeball, you should explain.
Well, overall I do like this. Mai’s characterized well and seems to sincerely care about pokemon, with her first concern being for her missing pokeball, so the lucario’s desire to stick around her makes a lot of sense. Astrid’s own reasoning is shakier – I think it’d make a lot more sense to just focus on him hiding out because of his former trainer and never getting near people, rather than saying that people in general suck and want to kill and skin him.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8870653/1/Truth-and-Lies
[ whilst]
Just use while. Also, stop putting semicolons everywhere.
[my mother and brother got to live in their cosy home in Pallet Town, me and my sister, Kayla were made to live with our father at his big ‘company’ headquarters. ]
Okay, but why were the kids split up like this? Did the dad favor girls? Did they agree to split up the kids evenly and her brother was the secondborn so he went to Mom?
[father seemed concerned ]
When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.
[ Giovanni realised what he had in his hands, just on the other side of the region; a girl with the foresight at the tender age of twelve. He sent for her only to be consumed in rage. Kayla was gone.]
Ah, that makes sense. He was trying to catch someone who saw the future, so naturally she’d make a break for it right before it happened.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Also, when you suddenly say Giovanni after all the “father” business, it makes it sound like their dad just works for him. You should really work that in more smoothly.
[ Our mother felt bad enough letting not just one, but both of her daughters get caught up in something so dark that she refused to allow Ash to have any involvement with Team Rocket. ]
Is there a point to their being related to Ash? Also, you still haven’t explained why the kids were split up like this in the first place. It’s not clear if you mean this sentence to refer to that or if she’s fed up after the Mewtwo debacle and one of the girls running away – if she always had enough power to just say no, he can’t mess with her kid, and she always felt like this, it begs the question of why she never intervened for her girls.
[I hated him for that and nearly quit, but that would mean he would force me into being a full-time agent. For me, there was no such thing as freewill or choosing my own path. Everything was laid out for me by the devil in the dark suit that I was forced to call father. ]
Why has Giovanni completely failed to raise kids to support the basic organized crime thing? I mean, he’s obviously put a lot into their upbringing, how did he miss the most basic part? Heirs are no good to you if they wish your organization was gone.
And now she’s going on and on and on about how much she hates her job.
[“Ah Eileen, who is our young friend here?” The older man said, gesturing to me.]
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is decent enough, but doesn’t seem to be really living up to its setup. What’s the point of making someone Giovanni’s kid and specifically raised to be heir if they’re going to have the same moral sense as everyone else? So far she makes a lot more sense as a regular agent who’s unhappy with her job.
…and blocked! It’s really annoying how there’s no longer any way to tell if someone’s blocked me until I try to review.
Anyway, that finishes page two, so I’m going to say I’m done for the night.