Not much of interest today.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785002/1/Sanningumi

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[your triplets for Arceus sake!”
“Mom I know you and did never wanted to acknowledge it but if you two know we haven’t been close since the three of us where fifteen mom]

You’re. Dad. No “if”. Were. Use commas. And “mom” should be capitalized. Your grammar is awful, get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785027/1/Light_In_The_Darklands

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785082/1/Summer_Brave

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I don’t know what there would be to miss in having to dress you like a toddler just to have some form of punctuality on your attendance record,” Cheren had begun sorting his travel bag ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[There’s a selfish part of him that thinks he deserves to have his pick first. It’s his birthday, and it’s only been his entire life that he’s let Touko have everything. The blanket when there was only one, or his ice cream when hers fell on the ground; his homework when she didn’t finish hers; the ring his father wore.]

This really doesn’t seem like the normal way of things. It’s typically the older sibling giving toys and things up to the younger on the basis that the younger’s more of a baby and can’t deal with disappointment.

I can believe an older sibling might just grab stuff by virtue of being bigger, but _letting_ a sibling have something is quite different.

[The box is empty. Its lid lies off to the side, the green ribbon tied around it unraveled. He can make out three indents where three pokeballs must have once laid. He tips the lid up to see if maybe any stray pokeballs are hiding under it, but finds nothing but barren desk-top beneath. An indescribable feeling wells up in his gut, but he lets it slip out in a tiny sigh, almost inaudible if the room weren’t deadly silent. ]

I also find it really hard to believe that they’d see there were only three pokeballs for four kids and take them without waiting for him. Especially after you make a big deal of it being his birthday.

If they’d known about the fourth pokeball, going ahead without him would make sense, and if, as it appears to be, his angst is something you’re attached to, he can still feel left out by how they’re all battling without him and momentarily hurt by the though there isn’t a pokemon for him. Or even sulking about getting a different sort of pokemon than the rest.

This is decently written – you’re certainly good at expanding small moments with a lot of detail – but the combination of both being slow paced and retelling the same story as the games (and hardly the first time it’s been retold, either) hurts it.

[You all must be thinking, “Wow, Touko’s a bitch.” Eh, I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but having an older sister myself, I may have let some of my bitterness in. ]

Some, yes.

[Therefore, everyone has waited a year for Touya to turn 14 so they can all set out together. Despite seeming like massive pricks in this chapter, it’s actually very sweet of them. ]

Ten isn’t too young, and no, it isn’t, not as you’ve written it with them deciding that, if there’s only three pokemon, they get the three. Also, there’s no reason they couldn’t have gotten their pokemon before now and only waited to actually leave.

Not sure what to make of this one. This chapter is a long series of “poor me!” stuff, but it’s possible that’s just the opening.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785329/1/My_Precious_Twin

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You have far too many grammar errors, proofread better.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785419/1/Dreams_connected

Capitalize your title properly.

[Since the idea of ten-year-olds traveling through foreign countries alone while battling with powerful beasts along the way always seemed strange to me ]

Stories are generally more interesting for being strange.

[each Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” for speech and makes it look like the thoughts are being spoken out loud.

[“Of course. Just leave them here and they will ready in the morning,” so Dawn gave her the Pokeballs and only took Piplup with her.]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785569/1/Young_Ones_Memory

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Much of this seems OOC, particularly on Giovanni’s part.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7785697/1/Pokemon_Chronicles_The_Kanto_Story#

Starting a story with your character waking up is terribly overdone and was boring the first time.

[my sister’s Jigglypuff ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t jump between first person POV. Use third for that.

Write out numbers with letters.

[You’re brother ]

Your” is possessive, as in, your story, “you’re” means “you are”.

[I glanced at Garret. His mouth was agape. He was speechless. “…What happened?” I shrugged in response. “Someone broke in.”]

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

While it’s good to have things actually happening in a chapter, this is a jumble. You have too many characters – you don’t need to keep telling and showing the same plot from this many angles. And much of your story is wasted on extended dialogue establishing all your characters and then explaining things to each new person. Pare down your characters and side characters. Stop spending time on idle chat – yes, people do that, but anything people are assumed to do is something there’s no point in mentioning since the readers will be assuming it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7786207/1/Arguments

Drabble = 100 words exactly. It’s a writing exercise, not a word for a short fic.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7786552/1/Sinnoh_High_Boarding_School

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7786976/1/Fine

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

The first two are good but the second two are a lot weaker and seem like they’re just there to continue the theme.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7787022/1/The_fight_of_a_life_time_Contestshipping