There’s a story where a very fashion-oriented girl has to run off and be a trainer that’s aware fashion would get in the way but doesn’t sneer at her for liking it in the first place. That may be an actual first.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8958094/1/Run

Write out numbers with letters.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is too short for a single chapter – I get that you presumably wanted to end on the big reveal, but given the rest of this is just rambling filler, it’d have been better suited for the opening of your first chapter.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8958094/2/Run

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is even more rambly and fillery than the last chapter. Characters going about their daily life is very rarely worth spending time on.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8958547/1/Spliced

Nonstory chapters are banned. If you have an idea, write it first, don’t post to say you’ll get to that eventually.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8958571/1/Flame-of-Life

Don’t just delete and repost, it’s childish.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959051/1/Team-Rocket-To-Reach-New-Heights

[Saffron city’s ]

You always capitalize all of a name.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

So a starving orphan, but they still have an eevee.

[ This method had kept them fed for the couple of years they had been partners, both surviving in a world that neither wanted them nor needed them. ]

Or pokemon battles, since winning those nets you money and being a trainer means free food and beds at pokecenters. Clearly being underage won’t matter since this apparently takes place in a universe where orphanages don’t exist.

[“I must admit, I am very impressed. I am sure you have made quite the living doing that little scheme of yours. I am very impressed.” ]

So impressed he’s repeating himself.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ he hadn’t been caught in a long time but he knew that getting caught was the worst thing possible, he didn’t want to escape from the police again and it was nearly impossible to rescue his best friend from the Poke-center where she would be kept until released into the wild. ]

So apparently not only do they not have orphanages, they also arrest the starving orphans that wander the streets.

You know, if you want to do a story where someone joins Team Rocket, you don’t actually have to pile angst and misery on his head first. They could steal because they don’t have lots of money rather than because they’re a starving little orphan.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959051/2/Team-Rocket-To-Reach-New-Heights

[Once they had arrived in Viridian city Giovanni had immediately put him to work, he was tutored by the greatest minds his master could hire, he was trained in hand to hand combat and finally was taught tactics and how to pokebattle. ]

Where exactly is Giovanni getting the money to throw at the random pickpocket kid? He just said his group is still small at this point, which is not when you’d want to make huge investments in random kids, and wanting someone because they’re a clever thief doesn’t mean you assume they should get a rounded education in how to be great at everything.

If you want your character to end up trained in everything, have him actually earn it. He was picked up because he showed a talent at theft. Giovanni should train him to be better at that and then send him out to be useful. If at some point things go wrong and he has to beat someone in a fight, that could be the cue to then get combat training.

[ cloths  ]

Clothes.

[ He was a simple grunt, he only had two Pokemon to his name. ]

No, he’s not, he’s getting personally trained by the best people Giovanni can find.

Don’t label flashbacks. It should be clear from context.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959181/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Elite-Elementals

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t stick author’s notes in your story.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is far, far too short for a chapter.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959255/1/The-Legendary-Journey

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[ Nuvema town  ]

Capitalize all of a name, not just part of it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This was far too short of a chapter and yet managed to be extremely boring in that short time. A trainer going out to get their first pokemon at the lab has been done thousands upon thousands of times by now. Your story has an actual plot, right? Skip to where that starts.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959478/1/Oak-Trees-and-Maple-Leaves

Why is this all in italics?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Pikachu’s not quited as rare as Eevee ]

Quited not a word.

Also, Oak’s plan in Yellow was never to hand his grandson some random wild pokemon, and presenting it as such just makes him look like an enormous dick. This is some weird smush of the games – he’s not told to be there in Yellow, only in RB, because in Yellow his pokemon isn’t ready yet and Oak is annoyed by his presence. The result is a mess.

[It appeared to be very cold, which he easily concluded was a result from the downpour outside.

Your language choice is awful. Just because you could say something in a longer manner doesn’t mean it’s the better one.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959478/2/Oak-Trees-and-Maple-Leaves

Eh, I think I see what you’re doing but it’s all very maudlin, with Blue secretly still caring but unable to admit it.

Also really, the italics are annoying. Just stick a proper line break between the two sections instead.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959745/1/Chasing-Fairy-Tails

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place. And absolutely don’t use stated.

[“What do you mean weird, that I can communicate with pokemon?”
Shiro flicked his forehead as he said, “Bingo! We have a winner! Seriously, nobody takes you seriously when you say that!”]

It would be really easy to verify something like that. Also, no one would find it particularly weird to start given pokemon are already capable of understanding what humans say just fine.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“What gives, Tak?” Slash clicked, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. He pronounced the name “Talk”.]

Then just write it “Talk”.

[Shiro swept his arms downwards toward Takamore. “You carry them outside their pokeballs so much. It’s… different.”
“I certainly wouldn’t want to be cooped up in a capsule all day,” Takamore explained, “And I doubt they do, either.”]

And yet this is only being brought up when he’s carting an injured pokemon who “groaned painfully” when he picked her up. It seems your character prefers collecting brownie points over what’s actually best for his pokemon at the moment.

But then, this is yet another story where a character can understand pokemon, they’re intelligent like people, and yet still sees nothing weird about the standard capture-and-ownership.

So Mew saved him from a fire by turning him into a pokemon that has no particular resistance against fire and also which is totally immune to Mew’s powers. I really don’t care if you like umbreon best, pick something that makes a degree of sense.

Is there something about Mew turning people into pokemon somewhere? It keeps popping up.

Three.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959777/1/Pokemon-Fusion-Core

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You don’t need to stop the story to list everyone’s sueish pokemon teams.

[Gyrados ]

Gyarados. If you’re not sure how it’s spelled, look it up.

This is a weird mix of boring filler and things happening all of a sudden, without proper explanation or buildup. Edit more.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8959956/1/Magic-is-more-then-she-seems

Capitalize your title properly.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Repeating the opening of the game is not original, both for the obvious reason and the fact plenty of people already copied it. Skip to the part that’s different about your story, rather than showing you’re capable of copying the questions out of the game.

[Magic bit her lip and looked at the orange and white spheres seriously. It was an easy decision; her late friend Ember had left all her dearly loved Pokémon to Magic, as long as they found her an acceptable Trainer, including an Oshawott, Torrent, and a Tepig named Phoenix who Ember had, foreseeing her own death, kept from evolving in order to help another Trainer with potential fill their Pokédex. ]

Holy shit is she a sue.

Okay, so first off, if she’s already got the other two starters, she doesn’t need Bianca to give her one. Second, how can they be “dearly loved” if she’s refusing to let them evolve just because of some meaningless pokdex thing? Thirdly, seriously, sue. Tragic dead friend left her two starter pokemon with extra contrivance so Magic, personally, is on her way to a full pokedex despite that being an utterly meaningless accomplishment to an actual person in this world as opposed to a player.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960005/1/A-Different-Kind-of-War

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Huh. This is a different opening and setting than usual, which is nice, and a different protagonist motivation as well, but why can’t they just stick the sick miltank in a pokeball?

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960092/1/Closure-Pickachu-Closure

Deleting and reposting is childish.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960285/1/Fallen-Tears-For-Fallen-Friends-Chapter-1-The-Journey-s-End

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You should have an empty space between your paragraphs.

Trainers start at ten.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ its a  ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[ Yea, that was why I didn’t respond Black thought bitterly while glaring at his recent rapist. ]

No.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960296/1/Alucard

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[As we went through the standard formalities I was absent from my body. I was the new ruler of this country. I had all the cards in my hand. I could burn this mother down!
Of course, I wouldn’t. This region had built me up to the trainer I was today]

I am relatively sure winning the league doesn’t actually make you supreme dictator of the region.

This is a slightly different opening than the usual, but since it’s looking like it’s about to go into your character recounting their journey, not much separated from the standard battle then cut to trainer waking up. I really hope next chapter won’t just be the morning/Professor and new pokemon/first battle standard stuff.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960303/1/Blade-Part-2

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960495/1/This-Is-War

[watching the bloody fight of control ]

Shouldn’t that be “for”?

[ doing nothing to neither help nor harm ]

Double negative. Your sentence structure is generally wonky at best. Focus more on clarity than on trying to sound old fashioned or whatever it is.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.]

Ah well. I do like your angry guardian and how it doesn’t decide to ally with people.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960527/1/Inferno

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. Doesn’t work right. You get people doing all sorts of characters, and they may each be fine but they don’t fit together properly. It’s like trying to complete a hundred-piece puzzle by taking fifty of the pieces from fifty other puzzles. They may all be good puzzles, and you may pick only the prettiest pieces, but you’re going to end up with a mess.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

Anyway, this is a lot of chatter to very little plot. Stuff is happening, at least, but most of the time is spent on unneeded dialogue and people being really vague so you can drag out realization. No one would see a temperature of 160 and conclude the kid needed ice – not only do thermometers not go that high unless she grabbed a cooking thermometer instead, but to put this in perspective, 108 is the point where your brain cooks. She’d just think the thermometer was broken.

Four.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960635/1/Song-of-the-Swanna

[“Vesta?” I asked quizzically. “Roman goddess of the hearth?” It wasn’t the worst nickname for a pet I’d seen… I guess. Even for a larvesta.]

…which already has the word in its official name. It’d probably have been cleverer to use the Greek one with the slightly different name.

Well, this seems mostly original fiction. It’s interesting to have such an unrepentantly vicious character and I like the writing style, but it feels like it’s longer than it needs to be and your metaphors get overblown at points.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960859/1/Pokemon-Dark-and-Light

You should have a space between paragraphs.

If thoughts and dialogue are from the same person and don’t represent a major topic shift, they should stay in the same paragraph. The way you have it set up now makes it look like the thoughts belong to a different person than the one speaking.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ red and white ball bounces back into my hands.
Stubborn Pokemon!
“Nox get in your Pokeball” ]

That’s not how it works. Pokemon are recalled by a beam – throwing the pokeball only happens when catching a pokemon for the first time. Otherwise, recalling pokemon would require trainers to walk over to wherever it was and pick up the ball again, which would be pretty inconvenient when you’re recalling a pokemon in the middle of a battle.

If you want a pokemon to be refusing, it should be dodging the beam attempts.

[proffesional ]

Spellcheck.

I like how you’re writing your character as someone unused and really unsuited for life on the run (the bit about her nails getting in her way was especially perfect) while still having her portrayed positively.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8960935/1/Pokemon-Journey-Book-1

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh, this isn’t much of a story and it’s terribly short. It’d be fine as the opening to a longer chapter, but really doesn’t work as a chapter on its on.

None.