Huh, actually finished properly.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8961057/1/Untitled-and-no-more

Stop capitalizing random words.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[A old, blood covered razor blade..
The pure contempt that James felt when he touched it made him crush it, his palm now bleeding.]

You can’t crush a razor blade in your bare hand.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8961384/1/Unova-Remastered

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

[The amber eyed teen  ]

Does the color of his eyes have anything to do with the rest of the sentence? Then don’t bring it up.

[*Pikachu’s Daydream:*]

You shouldn’t need to label things like this.

Twenty-nine (and twice that in follows and favorites) likely for hitting the twofer of powered up Ash and using reviews to poll people.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8961418/1/Pokemon-Chronicles-of-Hoenn

The word “I” is always capitalized.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or yellow. Seriously, just stop it.

You need punctuation at the end of all your sentences, not just some of them.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8961785/1/Route-4

[Once rough, relentless wind, sand and heat had turned the rocks smooth, their shapes flowing with the surrounding land.]

Don’t think that “once” should be there. It makes it sound like it’s no longer like that.

[Powerful straight line winds – the winds that had, in time, carved the stark landscape itself – scooped sand up in invisible mandibles ]

Mandibles, really? Your wording generally has a lot of issues. It feels like you’re trying way too hard.

[the little pokemon barley had warning ]

Barely.

I like the naturalist take of this, and it’s particularly interesting you’ve picked a scraggy for it, since they’re pretty silly looking in the game but you describe it well here.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8962109/1/Vengeance-and-Repreimends

Your title is misspelled.

It’s “prologue”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8962298/1/A-New-Adventure-to-begin

[Pokémon a unique creature that are all over the planet with different forms and unnatural abilities that impress the human eyes.  ]

I think you mean “are unique creatures”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ some of them are kind and gentle others are more violent and uncontrollable making it hard for humans to get close to them that is when humans decide to create the Pokeball. ]

Your wording is really, really bad. Here, the “when” throws the whole sentence out of wack. You’re describing the standard traits of pokemon then somehow that “when” the way pokemon always are happened, people invented the pokeball. Proofread and get a beta reader, this is a mess.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8962329/1/The-Clash-of-Dimensions

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Ash picked leapt in front  ]

He what?

A lot of your dialogue is missing punctuation.

[ You don’t seem on board with the idea of getting help from this Red guy.”
Irritated that she’d laid herself out on a metaphorical table for Pikachu to read, Giratina composed herself before responding.
“I’m not. Humans are too powerful now. I don’t want to see a world where humans are in control of everything. The world was never meant to get like this.”
Pikachu nodded “I get it… But most humans aren’t like Team Rocket, and it’s always good to have any sort of help when you’re on the wire… And you’re about as on the wire as anyone’s ever been. You can put the world back to the way it’s designed when it’s out of danger.]

This actually strikes me as a lot more interesting than humans saving the world, and I’m curious if it’d actually happen once the present crisis is over.

Six.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8962658/1/Pokemon-Black-N-White

You shouldn’t need extensive character bios.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[“Good morning Dawn!” Mrs. Ketchum replied back after packing in some clothes. “How is your training going?”
“It’s going great Mrs. Ketchum!” Dawn replied enthusiastically. “We’re trying new combinations to see what will work and what won’t for when I start up my contest journey again.”
“That’s great, keep up the good work! Oh and can you see if Ash is done packing? Professor Oak will be coming by soon to take us to the airport.” Mrs. Ketchum replied before going back to packing her suitcase.
“Thanks Mrs. Ketchum and I’ll do just that!” Dawn replied]

You should never have a string of “replied”. For gods sake, just use said.

[“Pika!” came a reply from Pikachu, Ash’s first Pokémon. ]

Okay this is just ridiculous. Everyone knows already, there is no earthy reason why you wasted your time typing that just so you could waste the time of everyone who makes the mistake of reading this.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8962667/1/Ash-s-Sadness

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[ beat down on pikachu ]

This is being used as a name here, so it’s capitalized. Same for every other thing that’s being used as an individual’s name.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8963576/1/Behind-The-Enemy-Lines

Misty is older than Ash.

[ the Pallet town ]

No “the”, and it’s “Pallet Town”, you capitalize both parts of a name.

[ who put the said town on the map, after his accomplishments in numerous competitions and tournaments, was a Pokemon prodigy.  ]

This appears to be two or more sentences haphazardly shoved together. Your sentences structure is abysmal. If you’re a native speaker, read it out loud. And regardless, get a beta reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

One of the things I had been enjoying this run was that when people did the listing of everyone’s ages, they’d finally managed to give Misty’s age as higher than whatever Ash’s was. Probably just because they were shipping him with May or Dawn or someone so they no longer needed to deage Misty to make sure it wasn’t a pairing where the girl was the older one, but still.

Four.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8963891/1/Fall-For-Me

[It was a fairly normal day in Pokémon Preschool. Today was the first day of school.  ]

How can it be a normal day if it’s the first? If you mean that it was normal for a first day of school, then say that rather than splitting the idea across two sentences.

[Now go go go, mommy! ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ It was a weekly routine of theirs to go to Gold’s favorite ice cream shop after school ]

Do you mean at the end of the week? Because it can’t be both weekly and daily.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[“…She’s pwetty…”
At this, she started to laugh.
“Stop laughing mommy!”
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry.” For a few minutes they walked in silence. “Then you better hurry up and get her, Goldie.”
“Why?”
“Because if you don’t, someone else will.”]

Presenting preschoolers as having the same concept of romance as adults is at best weird and at worst rather squicky.

This really seems to have nothing to do with pokemon or the characters.

Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964117/1/Ancestral-Pokemon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ It’s past ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

[The Wolfeon, preferred to be called, Wolf ]

“which preferred to be called Wolf,”

[Espeon’s were worse ]

Never use apostophes for possessives.

[lied a girl  ]

Lay a girl.

[with brown hair and pink bag and red shoes called forth the Raticate as she petted it.  ]

You shouldn’t have piled three different bits of description in there and “called forth” should have been its own separate sentence with a “she” in front. Also, how could she have called it forth and petted it at the same time?

Your grammar is just horrible. Get a beta reader.

Don’t label flashbacks, it should be clear from context.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964291/1/The-Pokemon-Adventure

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is far too short of a first chapter. Worse, nothing interesting happens in it. If you have a plot, skip to it, otherwise stop and figure out what your plot is rather than writing aimlessly and hoping you stumble over it.

Seven.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964538/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Silver-Destiny

Stop capitalizing random words.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

One.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964604/1/Kanto-Legends

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Red did not have a terrible life, so it doesn’t make sense for him to be going on about how no one’s so much as touched him before.

[Was I so lost in thoughts, she looked at me, not with disgust, like most people do.. ]

The first part should be a standalone question and the half should be reworded, currently it could just as well mean that like most people, she wasn’t looking at him with disgust. Also again, Red did not have a terrible life and most people didn’t.

And if you mean for that to trail off, it’s three periods, otherwise it should only be one.

[Where there really other humans, who could understand me. She backed a few steps, and said, what I was eager to hear. – ]

Stop sticking commas everywhere. Also, the dashes are unnecessary.

[I had to hurry, because the cruise ship to Kanto was going to take off in half an hour! ]

It’s not interesting when it’s characters waking up to get a first pokemon and it’s not interesting when they’re waking up to do other things either. Skip to the part where stuff happens rather than wasting time on the part where your character gets ready to have stuff maybe happen in the future.

[Damn mom ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

[Well I guess she was right to be worried, most kids start their adventure at the age of ten, I had to wait till my sixteenth birthday. ]

Nope. In the game anyone can start at any age and in the anime they start at ten. Overage trainers are overdone and a terrible idea to start with. If you want to write about a sixteen year old, just make her an established trainer.

[“Ellie! wake up cutie we’ve got to go!”
– “Already? But I don’t like boats.” –
“You know I can’t understand you silly,]

Sapient pokemon the character owns and can’t even understand tend to be hard to handle properly in standard trainer fic. It starts inviting all sorts of questions, like why doesn’t the trainer even bother to try to figure out what’s being said and how is it right for them to be giving all the orders? Here, why is it okay for her to force another person to do something they don’t want, and without even any real reason?

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

This entire chapter was just filler. You might find actually being on a boat like this fun, but that doesn’t make it interesting to read about your character enjoying going on the boat. You presumably have some sort of plot. Your story should begin when that begins.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964827/1/Escape

[ I push myself up and place a hand against the cool reinforced glass that cages me in, separating me from all the ‘normal’ humans. A few of the white coats stop and look at me, sneering and laughing. ]

Scientists don’t usually stop to laugh at the experiments. Aside from that being kind of dumb, by this point all the novelty of seeing them must have worn off.

Also, there’s no need for scare quotes, those are normal humans. Normal isn’t a value judgment, it’s a statement of which traits are more common than others. By definition, newly created experiments are less normal than standard-model humans.

[I’m sure my short brown hair is in tangles ]

Why didn’t they just shave her head? Much cleaner that way.

[As I’ve been doing more often when I wake up to see these damned white coats laughing at my misfortune, I leap at the glass.]

So she’s not that good at learning from experience. I would even accept her doing this out of sheer boredom, but she’s an utter idiot if she’s motivated to do something futile because people laugh at her.

[A few white coats start panicking, and I notice with a start that I managed to create a small crack in the glass.]

And they’re idiots for not seeing this coming when she apparently does this at least daily and gave them ample, ample warning to upgrade the glass. If you want her to suddenly smash through to their shock, having this not be her standard routine would help. Say she tried this when she first got there, realized it didn’t work, then today she snapped under the pressure and decided to try to smash her way out again, discovering they miscalculated just how strong she’d become.

[“Sky Uppercut!” I howl ]

Don’t shout moves, it’s ridiculous. You can have the character describing that she’s using a move in her head just fine, since this is already first person.

[But, of course, Lady Luck must have some sort of grudge against me, as right before I make it to the door; I feel a tranquilizer dart embed itself into my shoulder. ]

I don’t care why there’s a semicolon here, if it was Word’s suggestion or you just thought it looked cool. It doesn’t belong there. Don’t use them until you’ve mastered the rest of sentence structure.

[before I’m knocked to ground by a large security white-coat. The security humans don’t wear white coats though.
But in my eyes, all human low-life filth are white coat scum.]

That’s even stupider than her being dumb enough to lunge at the glass every time someone laughs at her. She can see just fine they aren’t wearing white coats and yet she still hates them, so why would her hatred even care about white coats at that point, let alone to the point of this stupid, stupid sentence?

Three. Also apparently this is ripping off the opening of Maximum Ride, the book bad authors keep referencing as having to do with their writing choices.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8964986/1/Wallace-Cup-Surprise

Don’t capitalize random words.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Your tenses are all messed up and your grammar is generally awful. Get a beta reader.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965281/1/Just-the-same

Capitalize your title properly.

A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The grenette ]

Wow, you have found an even worse term than bluenette. It’s also completely irrelevant to the sentence. Stop telling people his hair color and use his name or else a description relevant to what’s going on at the moment.

I have no idea what the point of this was. If N is never found as a child by Ghetsis, why would he believe what Ghetsis says, particularly when that apparently happened after he got a legendary dragon, so after he fully believed in his current way of doing things? He believes Ghetsis in large part because Ghetsis fills his room with abused pokemon. You’re having the same thing happen as in canon but stripping out every bit of why it made sense to happen. If your AU’s focus is just “What if no one stopped N?” then why on earth did you think you needed to add in “Also what if N wasn’t found by Ghetsis but still became the hero of ideals and also was found by Ghetsis later and also believed everything Ghetsis said and then behaved exactly like when he was raised by Ghetsis?”

It’s RP related, because RP continues to be the source of the greatest stupidity in fandom.

None.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965622/1/Cinder-the-Cyndaquil

Write out numbers with letters.

[His mom had made him stay in school and learn engineering until he was 16. But now he had a degree and was guaranteed a job after his journey. His mother had run out of excuses, and allowed him to set off. ]

No he isn’t. His education is good now, every year he spends not using it means it becomes that much more obsolete. That’s why this explanation is always so terrible for overage trainers, it’s much better to miss a year of elementary school.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Oddish don’t learn poison sting.

The pokemon bits are cute, but he’s coming off as a total idiot. He certainly doesn’t seem like he’s sixteen – if he were ten, I’d say he was a suitably competent newbie. Watching someone who should know better screw up is a lot less interesting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965637/1/Pokemon-Lynx

[ my Lynx mother ]

God, no. If it’s not an individual name, it’s not capitalized. My/a/the/some/any other thing like that in front of the word? Not a name, not capitalized.

[She held me close to her safe and warm and taking me home with her. As years of hard-working and learning the ways of hunting prey from my mom and learning that I was really a human, made me feel satisfied. ]

Your sentences are a mess. You’re writing as if everything in the sentence is happening simultaneously. Get a beta reader.

[to mother.  ]

This time it is being used as a name and does need to be capitalized.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Use said. It generally fits better than whatever alternative you’re trying to shove in its place.

[aswell ]

Spellcheck.

And somehow being transformed into a regular animal gives them super vision powers, because.

See. See why the capitalization thing is such a problem. See how we are already halfway down the supposedly nonexistent slippery slope.


Two.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965641/1/Calvin-s-Boatman

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965708/1/Pokemon-XDZ-The-Colosseum-Saga

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[team snagem ]

It’s a name so it’s capitalized.

[ just its friends (1) ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

And don’t do the footnote bullshit. If it matters, it should be included right then. If, somehow, it matters and you can’t work it in smoothly, stick the explanation rather than a number directing people to the explanation between parenthesis instead.

[Wes was wearing ruby red, Jack was wearing emerald green, and Joel was wearing sapphire blue. (2). ]

There is absolutely nothing in this sentence that could possibly warrant expansion, let alone a footnote’s worth of it.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

So this is basically the opening of the game, only with three characters and all of them are now ridiculous sues.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965814/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Beyond-the-Sky

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And hm. There’s not much major going of for most of this, but you manage to write it entertainingly, which is quite rare.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8965860/1/The-Burden-of-Knowledge

A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.

[from sister Merspirit. ]

“from his sister, Mesprit” you mean.

I found this pretty difficult to make sense of. The basic idea he doesn’t want to interact with the outside world I get, but a lot of the details don’t really fit in neatly – he has an opening bit about emotion, but then just drops it rather than it flowing into the next point, for example. And the idea that humans are his greatest contribution instead of knowledge seems like nonsense when his contribution to creating humans was knowledge.

Also, seven thousand years is not long at all. Why is the world ending so soon?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8966097/1/I-will-become-master-of-everything

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is too short to be a good chapter and it’s nothing but empty filler that shouldn’t have been posted regardless. You don’t need to open your story with your character wandering about in their current boring life talking about how soon something interesting will happen. Skip to the interesting thing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8966653/1/The-Saga-of-Corin

Your formatting is a mess, it’s all double-spaced which is really annoying to read. Your paragraphs should all be together and there should be a distinct space between each paragraph instead. Look at how most stories on the site do it.

[I was fighting for my life.
Yes, I know. My phrasing sounds like a shameless ploy to grab your attention, but in all honesty, I can’t
think of any other way to begin my story. When you read or hear the words “fighting for my life,” you’d
probably think that whoever said it must be in some ridiculous kind of peril. When I say it, I meant it in a
different sense.]

Well, you’ve successfully killed my attention right after getting it. Lead with something interesting doesn’t mean say one interesting thing and then you can blather on about how never mind.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

Well, interesting to see an asshole eevee and it’s always good to see training from the pokemon’s side rather than the usual trainer focus.

Well. That’s it for the month/year! Probably, going to sleep now without any fics showing up on the 1st but I think the clock’s shifted. If not, I’ll stick the last in here tomorrow.


Obligated and requested reviews will be handled next between my finally returning to Battle Royale. Remember that? That sure was a while ago.