Made the terrible mistake of going places today. Few stories, falling behind, fml etc.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8874924/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Adventures
[Hi my name is Thomas, my friends call me Tommy, you might not know me but you might know my brother Red he was a successful Pokémon trainer and made Pallet Town proud, but the story of him usually over look me his brother who did absolutely nothing to help his so I’m not even a supporting character in Red’s legacy. ]
This is a long run-on sentence. Also, “story of him” is bad wording, “overlook” is one word and you want “overlooks” here, it’s “help him”, you’re missing commas… you really need to find someone to beta read.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Was it possible someone who didn’t who my brother Red was,” I thought to myself.]
Never use quotation marks for thoughts.
While I find the idea of him getting his pokemon from Crystal and having access to a lot of interesting pokemon because of it promising, dratini is a terribly cliché pokemon to use. And it would work a lot better to have Crystal offer him a pokemon to start off with rather than having it happen on his way to get a regular starter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875130/1/Ben-and-Maya-s-Unova-Adventure
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[-30 minutes later-]
Don’t do this. You should be able to say the same thing within the narration.
I like the idea of kids going out to try to get their own first pokemon, but they’re really too old for this. You say plenty of people in the area already have pokemon – they should be able to borrow one from someone, or ask someone to catch them some easy pokemon by now. If they were younger kids it’d be more plausible for people to feel they weren’t old enough to be trainers and refuse to help.
[“Damn! I didn’t catch a Pokémon, I almost had a Pichu but it ran away!” Kyle whined. ]
Shouldn’t he be happy his friend finally succeeded? Now Ben can catch a pokemon for him.
…and pokemon can talk in this? So, they’ve been running around attacking pokemon instead of just asking them to join up?
[Ben smiled, he sighed and said, “I’m sorry Maya. You know, this really wasn’t how I pictured it would turn out.”
“So what? Did you think I would be all glad you caught me?” Maya asked jokingly.
“Yeah, that’s kind of how.” Ben said chuckling. She laughed a little too. “Listen, how about tomorrow morning, we go find your brother?”
Maya smiled and sniffed, she wiped her tears and nodded. “I’d like that, Ben, right?”]
I’m glad he wants to try to make this right, but you’re still really softballing the issue. If you were kidnapped by a giant and your family didn’t know where you were, would you immediately start joking, and would you be totally fine with waiting until morning? Or would your first impulse be to say you wanted to go back to them right now?
Ben could plausibly convince her it’ll be really hard to find her brother now and safer to wait for morning, but she’s just too accepting of things. And really, since he lets her out immediately after getting home, there actually isn’t any reason to be waiting – it shouldn’t even be dark yet.
[“Hi, I’m Maya.” She said. She looked to Ben again, more woken up from her groggy state and gave a face of disgust, “Put me down. Now.” Ben put her down and crossed his arms when he stood back up.
“I know already, I heard your little ruckus yesterday.” She said quietly. Maya and Ben felt somewhat embarrassed, but the mother laughed, “It’s alright, I understand it takes some time for a Pokémon to adjust to its trainer.]
Why is she embarrassed she was upset about being kidnapped, and why is it assumed she belongs to him? If she has a family and wants to go back to them…well, does this mean they wouldn’t let her?
[“Y-you… saved me. After all I said to you…” Maya said weakly.
“I couldn’t leave you like that. I just reacted.” Ben replied. He rolled over, his back on the dirt. He was still panting but was glad that the both of them are alive.
“I… I’m sorry I said all those things to you, Ben…” Maya whispered.]
After all those things she said that were true. That’s the elephant in the room here, you’re trying to portray give and take in a relationship that’s Ben kidnapping and ordering about someone else.
Basically, if you want to do something treating pokemon like people and having the main character realize he shouldn’t have thought they were just there for him to catch, you can’t do it halfway. Ben took her away from her brother and the fact they’re separated now (and possibly her brother is in danger) is because of that and his desire to wait to try to find him. If she accepts him, it should be because he realizes this and wants to make up for it, not because they’re equally wrong, him for capturing her, ruining her life and trying to keep her in a pokeball and her for attacking him because he did that.
I don’t know why people are willing to mess with everything about how sapient pokemon are but never about how capturing them works. It’s so creepy how we reflexively assign values to how important others’ feelings are based on how close they are to us. The more alien, the more we think they should just accept the other person’s feelings matter more.
To make this worse, this story is labled OC/Mawile.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875565/1/Pokemon-Conspiracy-Theories-Blue-s-Raticate
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[There were almost no Pokemon battles, since almost all the guests believed there were too good for Pokemon battles. ]
I really don’t see why you’re saying this in a game-based fanfic about an area the player travels around to have pokemon battles with almost everyone.
[The memory of his final moments with Raticate caused a new set of tears to fall from Blue’s face. He didn’t make it off the boat in time. It docked just as Red left the boat. ]
That’s even more ridiculous. Red continues on to see the captain and get the HM. Even if he heads back immediately afterward, he would be behind Blue who gets going at the end of the battle. Furthermore, Blue should be rushing if he’s concerned about his pokemon, while Red has no reason to do so.
Also, docking is the thing where boats come in and stop at a dock. It is the opposite of leaving, which is what you presumably meant here.
[Chancellor ]
You mean channeller.
[“Blue,” Red said as he approached his old friend. He looked down at the tombstone representing Raticate. “What happened?”
“What happened?” Blue repeated through gritted teeth. Then he shouted, “What happened?! Your little yellow furball is what happened! I would still have a Raticate if it wasn’t for Pikachu’s Thunderbolt.”
“Blue, it was an honest mistake that could have happened to anyone. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?! That’s all you have to say for yourself?!” Blue yelled as he went for the Pokéball. “I may not be a murderer like you, but I will make all of your Pokemon faint! Let’s battle!”]
Except Blue already has dialogue in this scene, and it’s nothing like this. Either Red was uninvolved or Blue is far more restrained than the way you’re writing him.
If you’re writing a story about a theory based around the exact events of the game, you shouldn’t be ignoring the game events at every other point.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875570/1/All-I-See
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Write out numbers with letters.
Storywise, it’s not any better. Your character has been there a year and is completely familiar with the jolteon, but apparently barely knows the umbreon leader and was never even introduced to the other eeveelutions. Also, why are they moving her back and forth to get the injections, when she’s a gigantic superpowered lugia and the injections are smaller and not prone to attacking?
You should really, really get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875690/1/Not-Your-Average-Neighborhood
…wow, you’ve managed to think up an even worse idea than asking people to submit characters, you’re asking people to take over established characters and do what they want with them. That’s called a RP, and I understand the forums work well enough for those.
Also, if you’re altering the personalities of all the canon characters, they’re OCs. Just write OCs.
Write out numbers with letters.
Don’t put author notes in your story.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875690/2/Not-Your-Average-Neighborhood
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is ridiculously melodramatic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875715/1/For-the-Next-Gen
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“… what exactly happened anyway?”
“Rock Crush…” Brittany answered, looking down at the ground, “…Toxicroak… he… he was protecting my Pokemon. I only had him out for a second. I just wanted him to get some experience. I didn’t know… I didn’t know he was going to use that move.]
This seems to mean it was crushed by trying to use the attack, which is really weird.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875771/1/Decay
Hm. Decently written and has a creepy edge to it, but it doesn’t really add anything that wasn’t already there in canon.
Also, you jump to present tense on the last line.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8875930/1/Kyurem-s-Capture
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Your line spacing is all messed up. You should have a space between all new paragraphs, not just now and again.
[ it’s voice ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
[I’d tried to finish it, but one time I forgot to save, and my game died, so I felt a little depressed, knowing I’d have to finish it all again. ]
How can both of those things happen at once? Either you forget to save or the game dies on you before you can save.
[Getting my bike ready to leave, I notice the breeze affecting one patch of grass. I realize that a line of grass was being blown back, as if it was a path. Remembering what I’d read in books, I decided not to follow it. All of a sudden, in my mind, a thought popped in and, somehow, sounded(you know how voices and your mind sometimes sound like real people?) a little dark, in a way.
Come on, it couldn’t hurt to check it out, now, could it? it said.
Are you sure?, I ask myself.
What’s the worse that could happen? It asks, as if chuckling a little bit at the stupidity of something happening. It was a small suburban area.
I guess you’re right, I decide.
Good boy, it said, and seemed to float away]
Ugh. You could have just had them decide to go that way. Instead you have them categorically refusing, then having a voice in their head that for some reason you claim is normal argue with them about how it’s a good idea. Unless this is leading into the discovery that the character is mentally ill and suffers from auditory hallucinations, this is terrible writing. Just have them go down the path and get on with it.
And the voice keeps talking, rendering this story more inane by the word.
[“A Vanillite?!”
“Wow, you’re a GENIUS, aren’t you!” the one on the left says, making the other snicker.
“You’re a Pokemon!”
“Oh, the genius strikes again!”
“Pokemon aren’t real…”
“Um, yeah, they kinda are!”
“Well, I guess, but…does that mean that the voice in my head was a Pokemon?”
“Yeah.”
I realize that it’s not THAT preposterous, minus the whole deal with Pokemon not being real.
“Also, how am I talking to you? I thought only legendaries could talk to humans!
“I think they injected you with a certain Pokemon’s DNA.”
“Um…I GUESS that’s cool…yeah, it kinda is. But who’s ‘they’ And which Pokemon?”
“You’ll see. Here, put these on.”
They hand me a pair of nice, fuzzy Yoshi slippers. Green ones, too. I thought that these were only made in Japan! Oh, wait…]
This reads like a parody of all the self-insert chosen ones who travel from our world into theirs only to have horrible conversations that make no sense from a character standpoint…
[“Well, before the GameBoy game was released, Pokemon were an alternate dimension of your world. We decided to let humans into our world, and chose your un-thankful group of developers. They, being Einsteins in our alternate dimension, invented Pokeballs and started to take our inhabitants one by one. Then, they made upgrades, tweeks, perks, things of that sort to keep capturing us. We legendaries were not pleased, and sent them back and released the Pokemon they had forced to battle for fun. We haven’t had humans in our world for centuries, considering we have a different version of time. But we promised we’d give them a second chance. And we picked you.” ]
So they did this, it worked out horribly, therefore they decided to do it again to see if it works better this time? That’s idiotic.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8876293/1/Bound-by-One-Wish
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[When I get to the actual story and have finished all of the prologues (trust, me there will be several) the voice of the story will probably be different…In other words, everything won’t sound so depressing and serious. ]
A prologue and several are mutually exclusive. Also, your prologue should not be drastically different in tone than the rest of your story, or it’s failing its purpose as an introduction.
[Flames of angry reds and scorning oranges enveloped the building that she stared at in a depressed shock. ]
Flowery description serves to dull any emotional connection, making it the worst possible choice for something meant to be striking.
[A waterfall of tears escaped from her wide eyes and she mildly wondered in the back of her mind why her vision had gone blurry but the thought that overpowered everything else was not just a thought but a fact. ]
This sentence is terribly constructed. You should probably split it into two or more sentences, and also the “thought that was also a fact” bit is just terrible wording.
[A waterfall of tears escaped from her wide eyes. She mildly wondered in the back of her mind why her vision had gone blurry but the thought that overpowered everything else was (what the thought actually was)]
Do you see how this is clearer?
[They would be gone.
Her parents would be gone.]
I believe you mean her parents are currently dead and therefore gone, so I don’t know why you’re saying they “would be” instead of “were”.
And now she’s decided to provide for her siblings and either is insanely good at hiding her entire family from the state at age seven or orphanages don’t even exist for some reason.
[Where she could easily steal a whole bunch of was! ]
You should really, really get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8876328/1/Even-One-Out
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Ah, N. Nice to see him showing up early and being weird.
[“Hey, speaking of which sis, where’s the other Pokémon?” His attention firmly focused on Touko, she shifted uncomfortably and rubbed her arm. “Touya… there isn’t a fourth one.” ]
This was contrived the first time, and the dozen fics since to use it haven’t improved matters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8876328/2/Even-One-Out
[An expression of confusion crossed his face for a moment before being replaced by anger for a split second before he smiled. “That’s okay!” He said, sounding like he most certainly meant it. “I’m sure Professor Juniper just made a mistake and forgot to put the last Pokémon in. I’ll bet if I swing by her lab she’ll have it waiting for me!” ]
Ah, glorious sanity.
[“I’m sorry Touya, there isn’t anyone left,” the Professor explained, getting almost as teary as Touya had been earlier. “I forgot Bianca just turned fifteen. I didn’t think about her, and she must’ve taken your Pokémon.”
Touya’s hopes fell. So even the Professor didn’t have a solution. This was final; he couldn’t start his Trainer journey.]
Or not.
First off, she should have plenty of pokemon, just not necessarily ones of the same quality or rarity. Second, as Yellow showed, she could just walk out, catch a pokemon, and hand him that one. Third, in the event she didn’t do this, all he has to do is ask one of his friends to catch a pokemon and hand it to him for his starter.
Also, can I just say it’s deeply ironic that in attempting to set up how poor Touya’s life sucks, it’s actually Bianca who’s the unfavorite? Which is particularly weird given Juniper seems a lot closer to Bianca than Cheren, so if anyone was forgotten, I’d expect it to be him.
[He hurt, badly. Why was he always the one left out? Always, when the four of them did something, he ended up getting left behind, or unable to participate. He remembered the time they went to see the art gallery in Castellia city, and he had gotten ditched when he stopped to examine the painting of a massive white dragon that seemed to call out to him. Another time, when they went to see the musical in Nimbasa city, he had paid for three of the tickets out of his own wallet. Without sparing Touya a second thought, Touko, Bianca, and Cheren had taken the tickets and walked inside, not realizing that not only had they left Touya behind again, but he lacked enough money to buy the fourth ticket. ]
This is impossible to take seriously and so becomes hilarious. Think before you invoke tiny violins next time.
[“No, I’ll take care of this,” N said, stepping towards the Herdier and barking.
Seriously, barking. Just like a Herdier. Even stranger, the Herdier actually stopped and walked off, tail between its legs.
“Wha – what do you just do?” Touya asked.
“I told it that it shouldn’t be attacking anyone.” N said.]
Pokemon clearly understand human speech, both because they’re able to obey orders and because N in particular asks them questions you can understand and seems to get answers, instead of the script saying N: BARK BARK BARK Oh your pokemon says you’re a great trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8876328/3/Even-One-Out
[Well… I know technically you aren’t supposed to take a Roggenrola as a starter Pokémon, but in this case I’ll make an exception. ]
No.
It’s really obvious that there are not rules about starter pokemon. If there were, all trainers would usually have one of the same couple pokemon. They don’t, therefore you can start with what you like.
His interactions with pokemon are actually pretty good, and I like that he’s respecting what they want, but then you try to say he’s awesome for basic things and that just ruins it. [The Lillipup followed, barking to get his attention. There was a question in her eyes that Touya doubted anyone else could’ve read: Take me with you? ] Being able to figure out the puppy following you means it probably wants to be around you is not something Touya alone is capable of. It mars the part where he’s actually being a nice person by trying to make him special for something anyone could have done.
[Have you ever considered that perhaps we humans… only assume that this is the truth? Pokémon are subject to the selfish commands of Trainers… they get pushed around when they are our ‘partners’ at work… Can anyone say with confidence that there is no truth to what I am saying?”
Roggs suddenly squirmed in Touya’s arms, as if trying to get out and attack something.]
Plus, the more you set him up as exceptional, the less this ends up making sense. Ghetsis’ statement was not “every single person pushes around their pokemon partners” it’s “people push around pokemon”. For Touya to be a counterpoint, he has to be a standard trainer, not an exceptionally kind one.
Furthermore, Ghetsis has not yet said the solution is to separate all people and pokemon. Even if both of them already know he personally is nice, why would Touya’s two pokemon be outraged someone said trainers boss around pokemon, rather that bothered by the idea this is apparently happening, in the same way the people in the crowd are bothered by the idea? Are they more offended by the idea anyone might consider their new friend to be part of this than concerned about what’s going on between every other trainer in the region?
Oh, also-
[Cheren nodded. “Creating a team designed to balance each other’s weaknesses – good thinking, Touya.”
Touya glared at him. “They are not ‘balancing each other’s weaknesses,'” he said. “Lily is being a good friend to Roggs.”]
Why are they even friends if he can’t stand the guy?