Write out numbers with letters.
[Today was his 15th birthday which meant he was eligible to be a pokemon trainer. About six years ago a ten-year-old would go out with little to no parental supervision and this often lead to many children coming up missing. So with growing concern from parents and guardians, the pokemon officials changed the legal trainer age to 15. ]
Kids getting into trouble and danger are interesting to read about. Everyone’s already familiar with the canon level of danger and how well the ten year olds handle it, so writing a story where everything’s easier is boring. If you want to write about older trainers, just make them established trainers that have been raising their pokemon for some time.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“Your father and I used to be trainers, as you know, but we both wanted to give you something for your quest,” she began, “so we decided to give you a pokemon,” she said taking out a pokeball. “In this ball is a torchic that recently hatched from an abandoned nest near the pokemart. I saw the poor thing and decided to care for it, so I captured and nurtured so you could have it when you were ready.” ]
This is really weird. What does the fact they used to be trainers have to do with getting an abandoned pokemon? And wouldn’t it be better for him to have raised it up to get used to it, rather than getting it dropped on him out of the blue? (And how did he miss his mom doing this?)
Also, while I’m glad you aren’t handing him a dratini or something like that and I do like that he’s getting a pokemon from his mother rather than yet another professor thing, why one of the established starters in this case? Why not something different, particularly when torchic really shouldn’t be found in the area?
[Thanks mom ]
When used in place of a name it’s capitalized like one.
…and now he’s getting a riolu? Named after the guy’s dead kid? This is really not a great idea.
If you want to make a point that he’s getting a pokemon because of whatever was going on there, that should be just how he gets a pokemon, not tacked on after his mom gives him one already. One rare but decent starter pokemon is fine. Two is a problem.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8876800/2/Pokemon-Trainer-Kid
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
…is this going somewhere? It seems like filler. The whole bit with Oak seemed particularly pointless, just a rehash of the same scene every other fic has. And you do need more of a plot than just that a character is going around being a trainer.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877045/1/The-Journal-of-Akasuki-Rose
[when you lost your known sanity. ]
What? I don’t see what that “known” is doing there.
This is incoherent. You keep saying that day or this day without any sense of when it is. [Many doctors say I died in my sleep, but the vitals prove them wrong. ] – then why would they say that? I can’t even tell if you mean he’s the one executing people – you go on and on about that, but it seems that’s just him sensing the judgment and there’s no information on what it actually is or who’s carrying it out. Also for some reason his legs don’t work. And the fact adults hesitated about if they should be amputated is part of why he’s crazy? None of this makes sense, not even going on the idea he’s insane and communicating badly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877327/1/Ageless-Darkness
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[. “Now, give up your Pokemon and I’ll let you live.” In all truth, he didn’t want to kill his rival, but his duties as leader always came first.
“Never!” Kotone exclaimed,”my Pokemon are my partners! I wouldn’t ever give them up!”
“Very well,” Silver motioned for his Pokemon to advance on the brunette. “Any last words?”]
If he actually doesn’t want to kill her, then why does he kill her? I don’t think every person they steal from agrees to hand over their pokemon after losing, it’s just once beaten they can’t do anything to stop it. If Kotone’s must die here, it’d make somewhat more sense for her to decide she’d rather be dead than without her pokemon. It’d make a lot more sense if Silver just wanted to kill her, either out of malice or because she was too dangerous to leave alive.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877595/1/Courage
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[In her struggling, she made him drop the flaming thing… and spread it to the whole Moor. It was so amazing, fascinating, yet at the same time… alarming. Due to this, I did the most scumbag thing ever I’ve ever done in my life.. I ran away. ]
I really don’t see how this is the issue. It doesn’t seem like his running has anything to do with the fire’s spread, since he couldn’t really do anything about that. What he should be beating himself up about is running the first time when he sees a captured pokemon, abandoning it and leading the humans toward his home, and maybe not immediately running behind his friend to help when she attacked them.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877800/1/Voyageur
Okay, so you’re starting off saying that it was a day like any other and summarizing the whole wakeup routine she has and how her life now is really different. Rather longwinded about it, but otherwise a good move. Then for some reason you jump right into then the blow by blow of her waking up despite just saying that it’s unremarkable. Don’t do this.
If you want to show her daily life, just have a brief (one sentence, two at most) bit about how her life started off routine and isn’t now. Then only talk about the parts of it that are routine to her but not standard to everyone ever – for example, there is no need to spend a long paragraph on the subject of her alarm going off and her getting up.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You really need more commas.
She’s cooking up pancakes? Is this meant to be a sign she’s super into being secondary mom or what? Where I live the standard school morning foods are things like cereal, nothing that needs major setup.
I really think this would be improved by being less wordy and using more shorter words as well – shorter tends to have more impact, longer tends to sound more detached. I see your setup chapter is meant to be an ordinary day, but ordinary days aren’t all that interesting, so you shouldn’t be dragging it out quite so long.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877847/1/pokemon-sun-and-moon
Capitalize your title properly.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Names should always be capitalized, not just half the time.
You really need a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8877965/1/Eevee-s-Tale-Trail-to-Evolution
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
[ok ]
Okay, four letters.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8878666/1/Armonia
Seriously, stop deleting and reposting, it’s ridiculous.
You’d think they’d have blocked me by now.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8878775/1/J-s-past
Don’t capitalize random words.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8878831/1/Green-Island-Serenade
Hm. I like the atmosphere of this, and it’s tight and focused enough to not feel slow paced even as Dawn’s talking about exactly that. You build up to what happened with Barry nicely, and the reveal fits perfectly – not something minor it’d be silly to spend all this time on, or so major it should have been treated as a bigger thing.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8878959/1/Spark-of-a-Soul
Eh. The pokeworld gives trainers free food and accommodations, I’m pretty sure they have a decent enough social safety network that a homeless eight year old caught stealing would be helped, not thrown in jail. And if not, he’s an idiot for not stealing a pokemon by now and pretending to be a trainer so he can get that free stuff.
Anyway. I have no idea what’s the point of saying this is Ash when his personality’s been completely changed. Just write an OC, it’s not like they’re rare in fandom.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8878959/2/Spark-of-a-Soul
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[“You don’t… You don’t believe the reports?” He asked quietly, near everyone had believed that he had stabbed his parents in their sleep, before going back to his bed and falling asleep, their blood still on his hands.
“Of course not!” He exclaimed, “A six year old boy, barely old enough to wield such a tool itself, to drive it into his parents back is preposterous!”]
Yes, which is why it’s dumb to have it happening in your story. No one would believe that.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Yes, our Trainers enter competitions, liberate Pokemon from abusive Trainers and send them off to someone who will train them with care and love.” ]
I really don’t see the point in setting your character up as someone only concerned with protecting himself, then having him only join up with Team Rocket because Giovanni’s stupid and lying about all this.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8879236/1/Avalanche
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Plotwise, this really doesn’t make much sense. Teachers usually have more than five students and there doesn’t seem to be any real significance to their getting one more pokemon when you talk about them as if they’re already established trainers.
Five kids, which naturally is in the three boys/two girls configuration, and naturally one of the girls is flirty and manipulative as her fighting style, and naturally one of the boys is the most talented of the lot and gets the most special pokemon of the bunch. It makes me want to write a five-person configuration that’s unbalanced in the other direction for once.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8879282/1/Of-Twinleaf-Town
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And hm. This is a really creepy story, but the ending doesn’t work with the rest. The main body of the fic is about sameness – the people in the pokemon center are always the same, the elite four always say the same things, the ending where she tries to talk and change things and they talk over her saying the same stuff as always. The whole fic is like replaying the game over and over, but doesn’t seem to have any connection to the idea Pearl came out of Turnback Cave nine years in the future – that’s isolating, sure, but it’s got nothing to do with how the rest of the world seems frozen, or how she’s teleported to her mother’s house after each victory or any of the other game bits.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8879479/1/Ash-s-Quest-To-Master
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
This is full of basic errors, proofread better and get a beta reader.
I don’t know why people keep writing stories about what if this character was totally different.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8879828/1/Hoilday-Cooking-Frenzy
Eh. This seems to be boarding school hijinks transplanted into Plasma. They’re all acting like stupid kids.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8879871/1/Darkened-Skies-Side-Stories
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Anyway, a cute enough idea.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8880366/1/Unbreakable
This really isn’t much of a story. You’re just saying “they’re really close” a couple times – not even showing it, just saying it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8880643/1/The-legend-of-the-Red-Gyarados
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And that capitalization should be consistent.
[ I was five years old when I wondered out into the forest, and played with the Pokémon, I had so much fun playing with them that I kept going back there every day ]
Parents generally don’t let five year olds disappear for long periods. Seven year olds, maybe.
[ ok ]
It’s okay, four letters.
You should be using a lot more commas.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8880747/1/Pok%C3%A9mon
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Well, one day things changed. My mom told me to get out. She gave me a ticket to Kanto and said to not pack much, I am going on an adventure. This you see was quite confusing. I wasn’t even allowed to go to school and now she’s sending me to a far away Region to start a Pokémon journey? ]
Yes, that does indeed make no sense to happen from what you’ve said, which begs the question of why you’re having it happen.
[The coddled boy couldn’t believe his eyes. Everything he was seeing was for the first time. He never knew of anything outside of Cianwood City. He hadn’t even seen all of that. This journey was going to be full of new adventures. He had first arrived in Pallet Town. The beginning of his journey was going to start here. ]
Your sentences are all really similar, which makes them dull. Try to vary them more.
[Ace didn’t know much about Pokémon. He didn’t know about Types or different species. ]
You said his mother homeschooled him, not locked him in the basement away from all information. Not knowing about types is like not knowing there’s birds and fish.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
You’ve set things up to make getting a pokemon different than usual, but you don’t really go anywhere with it – after a bit an eevee just shows up and wants to join him. There’s no sign of its personality or him making friends first, and he obviously has no attachment to it beyond that he just wanted a pokemon so he can be a trainer. I mean –
[“You found yourself a good little Pokémon. We don’t get many Eevee.”
Ace couldn’t help but blush. He felt a huge accomplishment for finding a rare Pokémon.]
So he really just cares that it’s rare, and he’s being smug about how great he is for…being there when the eevee willingly came out of the bushes to join him. Instead of, say, grateful, or even just lucky.
Then it’s standard pokemon battle, with optional unnecessarily detailed bit about the workings of a pokedex before it. Being a trainer doing trainer stuff is not enough for a story. You need a real plot.
At some point, I need to figure out a way of saying that while you can have a character driven story, those characters need to be developed to a certain point, and have room for major change throughout the story, and the events in the story need to directly relate to their personality, and that their story is obviously not up to this, without it just being an insult or leading to them blowing me off about how their character totally has personality.
Like, this fic? Clearly the idea is that he’s supposed to be inexperienced and becoming more experienced. But it’s already burned through half his development. He doesn’t behave quite right, people point it out, problem resolved, he goes on to win his first battle. Either it goes sitcom reset and every chapter is him not knowing how to behave, being corrected, winning, or his character development finishes up in three chapters, tops, and he’s static through the next seven badges and eventual elite four.
Plus, fucking everyone writes them as inexperienced because of what I can only assume is the universe’s personal vendetta against me, so it’s pretty much impossible to have a fanfic based around the idea of an unusually inexperienced trainer. It’s like our own personal variant of Poe’s law: there is no level of deliberate trainer incompetence you can write that won’t be outdone by someone else writing all new trainers are like that as normal.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8880972/1/All-Because-of-Memories
[The child frolicked through the sandy shores as he rummages through the small crashing waves near the shore of the ocean. ]
You jump between past and present tense and also your sentence doesn’t even make sense – you’re saying he’s simultaneously frolicking and rummaging.
[ He had a small tube around his waist to keep him from sinking in the water as he was never a good swimmer. ]
Okay, you know those waterwing float thingies? There’s a reason people go through the trouble of jamming those onto their kid’s arms instead of just handing them a tube. It’s because it’s easy for a kid to fall out of one of those or have it flipped over, while floats attached at the shoulders are a lot harder to get out of and almost impossible to drown in while they’re attached. A tube lets a kid fool around in deeper water, it doesn’t prevent them from dying if someone isn’t keeping an eye on them the whole time.
[a Mew. ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[it’s paw’s ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”. And never use an apostrophe for a plural, it’s “paws”.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[You’re mother ]
“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.
You have a lot of errors throughout this, get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881030/1/Absol-s-Journey
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Absol was a simple Pokémon. Even though, he was frowned upon due to being the only Absol in the area.]
“Even though” implies there’s some connection between being a simple pokemon and the fact he’s disapproved of as the only absol. Pay more attention to your sentence construction.
Also, how is he the only absol? They don’t exactly appear out of thin air. Where’s his family?
[“SOL!” The Absol jumped and shot an ice beam at the ground, growling as the bridge collapsed.
“That Absol came just in time!” Shouted the little girl
“I bet he’s responsible for this! Disaster Pokémon!” shouted the tall boy]
Generally people respond to narrowly avoiding death by being being grateful and relieved. Just on a really basic level, it should be hard for someone to be feeling anger over the normal holy shit I almost died and now I’m not dead and I really like being not dead feeling. It would probably take a few breaths for the boy to even think about things other than the not-deadness, and even then, it’d make more sense for him to be suspicious about what happened than to be blaming.
[It hits a wild Ursaring, who wants hunting the Absol for food.
“Agh!” It cries as the Ursaring uses Slash. “That really hurt!”]
“wants hunting” should probably be “was hunting”. And you’ve suddenly switched from calling the absol “he” to “it”. Proofread better.
[Absol POV]
Don’t switch between third and first person. Write it all one way or all the other.
And making the majority of the text bold is really annoying.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881168/1/Oneshots
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Potion candy was a sweet designed for pokemon and humans, as most pokemon find the stinging pain of a normal Potion unpleasant, and as a vitamin supplement for children. ]
Okay, stinging would mean it’s being applied topically, so putting it in a candy isn’t really going to work. And I really doubt pokemon healing medicine has much overlap with human vitamin supplements. If you need it to be a candy, say it’s candy because it’s designed to be more tempting than drinking a regular potion. If you need a reason for a kid to have it, say it heals people as well and he has it in case he skins his knee or something. But honestly, seeing as the pokemon’s unconscious and doesn’t need to be enticed into taking medicine, I don’t see why Ash can’t just be using a regular potion in the first place.
[Bagon was understandably frightened to see a human looking down on after seeing it was only a hatching, decided it was no threat. ]
What?
Your sentence appears to be saying that the human starts looking down upon realizing the bagon is midway through hatching and not a threat, and this frightens it. I think what you’re actually trying to say is Bagon was frightened, BUT after seeing the human was only a hatchLing, decided it wasn’t a threat. Proofreading is important.
[Ash didn’t know it but a blue-green and white jetlike pokemon saw the boy give up his candy – something most children who enjoyed candy would never do- was surprised. ]
Aside from this sentence having similar issues to the previous one, that’s a really poor reason for it to be candy. The kid is concerned for the pokemon and doing what he can to help, that should be enough.
[ Being a legendary, looked deep into the boys soul and saw a pristine white, as if the boy had been blessed by Cresselia (thought the lack of glowing purple hair showed he wasn’t) knowing the boy would be very important later in his life, gave the boy his blessing. ]
Also, being upset something’s injured and wanting to help is nice, but it’s not unique Chosen One blessing of legendaries worthy nice.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Though less noticeable than glowing hair or a tail, his blessing as head Latios did change the boy. He gained 2 things, a Psychic power inadvertently giving the boy an understanding of pokemon. Last was the ability to use Psychic and Dragon move ]
Okay, so, enormous sue. Anyway, if you’re going to be changing Ash this much, just write an OC, it’s no longer Ash in any real way.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Timeskip, 5 and 1/2 years, Ash is 11 exactly. (]
You should be able to work this into your story in a less jarring way, and also why is there a random parenthesis there?
[“Come on Bagon, we still have to go to professor Oak’s to get our ‘Dex and my ‘Starter’!” Cried ash as he hurriedly got up]
Your grammar is getting worse by the line. Also, if Ash already has a pokemon, he doesn’t need a starter. A starter is the first pokemon, because you can’t easily catch pokemon without a pokemon of your own to help you battle. Once you have one pokemon, you can catch your own and don’t need another.
And now script format, which is banned on the site. Get a beta reader, this is a mess.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881176/1/Carpe-Diem
This is ridiculously wangsty. He’s actually complaining he’s a failure who hasn’t accomplished anything because he’s only the fourth most powerful of the elite four.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.