And now a few pokemon reviews.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881523/1/A-Flame-in-my-Heart
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Trainers start at ten.
[They told me I could not become a Trainer, because I had to go to school, they told me that if I still wanted to become a trainer after I graduated that I could. ]
No they didn’t, because that makes no sense in the context of a world where all the other kids are becoming trainers in elementary school, then going on to actually do stuff upon graduation.
…and he seriously never even got a single pokemon in all those years? Even claiming he wants a job working with pokemon? That’s like saying you want to work with animals when you’ve never had a pet.
[I hadn’t really thought about what pokemon was my favorite until now. ‘I really like fire types’ I thought ‘ and it should be powerful, but also loyal.’ I was going to say Arcanine, but stopped myself short ‘Arcanine is a good Pokémon, but its not my favourite. Maybe Houndour is my favourite? No, I don’t like the dark type. I need more time to think about this.’ ]
Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.
No one ever thinks that maybe they should say lions are their favorite big predator no wait but they hate cats. It’s really obvious you just wrote down fire types then thought of why he wouldn’t say it, instead of trying to write what he’d actually think.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Anyway, really contrived. They presumably don’t have every possible pokemon on hand, let alone ready to hand out to a new trainer for free, so asking him which starter he liked best would have made infinitely more sense, as well as avoiding the unlikeliness that his favorite pokemon of all just happens to be an established starter.
[“The only one we have left is a female however, you could wait a few days though and possibly get a male ]
Why the hell would anyone think this was a problem? It’s really rare for people to care much about the gender of their pet unless it involves sexual dimorphism. And female starters are extremely rare, so the last thing anyone would do is apologize for only having the rare and special gender on hand and not the dirt common one.
[I sat at the edge of my bed, staring deeply into the Pokéball in my hand. Many questions raced through my mind as I thought about what the Pokémon inside might be like.
‘ Will she be friendly? How will she react when she sees me? Will she burn the entire building down?’]
This is fine for a ten year old, excusable for a twelve year old, and ridiculous for a college student supposedly studying pokemon.
Given how your character’s acting, it’d make a lot more sense for him to have never had any interest in pokemon and only now decide he should learn about them – maybe it’s even a required course for the school and that’s why he takes it.
The real reason the point is being made about the torchic’s gender is that this is a pokefucking fic, and apparently no one wants to get teh geys on their precious self-inserts.
…actually, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a fluffy gay human/pokemon fic. Maybe there’s something out there where Mewtwo fucks a gym leader who isn’t Sabrina or Misty. He must have been paired with Ash at least once, everyone is.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881523/2/A-Flame-in-my-Heart
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[Do you think its a good idea ]
“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.
The fear of pokeballs thing is pretty meh. It means things are only happening because your character has no choice in the matter. If it really is such a great idea to raise pokemon outside of pokeballs as much as possible, then he should be trying to do that willingly.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881524/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Valadier-League
A list of pokemon and their attacks is not a chapter. There’s no need to tell your readers this and this sort of thing is banned by the site anyway.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881524/2/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Valadier-League
And look, another thing that isn’t a chapter. At least this is closer to one. This time you’re summarizing events before your story. This would be an okay paragraph to have at the start of the actual first chapter of your actual story.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881524/3/Pok%C3%A9mon-the-Valadier-League
And now it’s just barely a chapter. People are talking, but mostly you’re just going on and on about your idea for a tournament and what pokemon Ash will have and how two of his have evolved and so on. That’s setup, not story.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
HATE
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881679/1/Gotta-Kill-em-All-Pokemon-T-Rating
[An M rated version is up and is pretty much the same with the exception being it has much higher adult content. So i hope you enjoy the filtered version for those a little more squeamish and don’t enjoy reading, gore, smut and violence. ]
Posting two copies of the same story is against the rules. If you want to make something both groups of people can read, just bracket the gory bits for people to skip over.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
[The teenage boys voice ]
Boy’s. Apostrophe for possessive.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[ of Hoot Hoot owls ]
There’s no such thing. There’s hoothoot, which are the pokemon version of our owls.
[The small cottage would house the lone fisherman that took pity on those who could not travel home to be with their loved ones in such dire times, and offer a ferry to those who needed his help. How a person was able to do such a feat and have such a kind heart to risk imprisonment was astonishing to say the least ]
People with a kind heart wouldn’t be transporting other people into a plague zone. There should, however, be a number of people willing to do it for money.
[Their laws for the people and pokemons ‘protection’ came like a slap to the face when the restrictions first came into place for those stuck here. ]
What? You realize that laws to keep people away from infected areas would indeed be protection, right? And even assuming that people object to them, it’d hardly be a slap in the face to hear standard quarantine procedures are happening exactly like anyone would expect.
[unbotling ]
SPELLCHECK.
[he didn’t know if he could just hand over his cherished friends to some random sailor/fisherman. But it was either keep the Pokemon or risk losing his mum to the casualties of the virus outbreak, it wasn’t really a hard choice when he thought about it ]
Nope.
Furthermore, even if Ash is OOC enough to be willing to do this, if he actually cared about getting to his mother alive, he’d know he would need as many pokemon as he could get.
If you just don’t want to deal with the other pokemon, it’d make far more sense to say Ash doesn’t have them in the first place. If they were with Oak when the virus broke out, pokemon transfer would presumably have been the first thing blocked so Ash would only be left with Pikachu.
So anyway, terrible grammar. You really need a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881679/2/Gotta-Kill-em-All-Pokemon-T-Rating
[“Keep an eye out lads, we might be alright when it comes to the waters but the sky is another thing]
Why is the water safe? Water types are the most numerous of all of them. And if flying pokemon are infected a quarantine seems impossible.
[“It isn’t over run you hear me!” He nearly shouted sending a glare to the two lost in conversation before him. “There’s still people there, I can feel it…” ]
People who somehow he hasn’t heard a peep from? Because zombies don’t mean that cell phones stop working, you know.
At best, he should be expecting it to be overrun but with people hiding out somewhere they can’t contact the outside world. That’s the only option for them being there at all.
[…flashback]
Don’t label flashbacks.
[“Reports indicate that the outbreak started during a routine de-fossilasation of Kubuto remains in Pewter Cities Pokémon labs of Rival of History Tech cooperated early hours of Wednesday morning.” ]
You’re misspelling kabuto as well as fossilization, Pewter isn’t the place that revives fossils in the first place, and the second half of the sentence is just word salad.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881679/3/Gotta-Kill-em-All-Pokemon-T-Rating
[With a large drop he fell back down to the hard pebbles of the forests outskirts landing on his feet with an ear shattering crack.
A loud chesty scream accompanied his fall as his leg twisted upon impact with the ground, either breaking a bone or severely fracturing it]
From a fall of a few feet. So this is going to be one of those fics that does “horror” by making people fall apart under a stiff breeze.
[The normal blunted teeth of the herbivore were elongated, jagged and mutated. What should have been a Pokémon, was now a monster. ]
So not really zombies, more Resident Evil style things.
From the sounds of this so far, humans aren’t at risk of infection, which means the area should have been evacuated. If, inexplicably, the ocean is also safe, then they should have boats ready and encourage people to reach the beach to be picked up. There’s no point in enforcing a quarantine on people who can’t be sick or carriers.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881804/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Jewels-Unova
[It was a bright and Sunny morning in the Region of Gema, Unfezant’s were chirping, Vamporeon’s were playing around in the water ]
This is a disaster. Get a beta reader.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881866/1/An-UmbreonGlaceon-Forbidden-Love-Story
A few dozen words is not long enough for a first chapter. This belongs as the opening of a much longer chapter.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881866/2/An-UmbreonGlaceon-Forbidden-Love-Story
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.
Spellcheck is not optional.