Day 8 Pokereviews (16)

Not many today, I guess I’ll have to spend tomorrow catching up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881902/1/Monochrome

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ His voice sounded strained, as if something was stressing him ]

That’s redundant.

This is a nice opening – it’s peaceful but doesn’t seem boring, and I like that you’re taking a moment to describe wild pokemon just going about their lives. And whatever it is Plasma’s up to sounds interesting.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881917/1/Broken

A drabble is the term for a writing exercise where you tell a story in exactly a hundred words.

[ loosing battle. ]

Losing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881941/1/Hidden-Desires

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is terribly contrived. The conversation doesn’t read like natural things people would say and they come off as caricatures. You fail to at all show why she thinks Silver has some good to him. And then suddenly rain makes them have to share a cave. And you write her as so pathetic.

[Kotone stared straight back into his shimmering, silver orbs. They were so captivating, so mesmerizing, that all she could think of was how beautiful they were in the illuminated cave, until she felt a painful pressure around her wrist. “Silver… That hurts…” she whimpered, trying to pull her hand away from him. ]

I mean, really? All she cares about is how awesome he is until she’s distracted by the fact he’s hurting her, and then she can’t even do anything but whimper and hope it stops? She can’t tell him to stop, or actually succeed in freeing her hand, and certainly can’t be irritated he hurt her for no reason. Instead she goes on to thank him for letting her go instead of continuing to hurt her. Maybe next she can thank him for not punching her in the face at the moment.

Fucking category.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8881958/1/Disrupted-Balance

Spellcheck.

[ They were made as conflicting sources- Light and Dark. Female and Male. Yin and Yang. ]

Given how you’ve arranged that, I feel like mentioning that light is yang, dark is yin. Also the whole thing is pretty dubious because they’re basically identical, with each being dragon/bright element. The dragons are really more about how you can get pretty vicious disagreements among those with a lot of similarities.

Anyway. This is dramatic, but there’s no real sign where you’ll end up going with it yet, so it’s not much of a first chapter.

[Bel- YAAARGH! She’s going to come alive as a zombie and climb down the chimney and eat our brains!
Me- (takes away phone) Get off that game for one second! You’re just going to scare everybody!]

Also this kind of thing is idiotic and ruins whatever tone you had going for you.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882147/1/Dimension-Thief-Prolouge

Your title is misspelled and nonstory chapters are banned. Besides, if you can’t work this kind of thing into the story itself, you aren’t writing a story good enough to post in the first place.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882147/2/Dimension-Thief-Prolouge

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is far too rushed. You don’t properly establish anything, just throw out that she’s dimension thief and hasn’t told her boyfriend and expect that to mean anything, then there’s some woman doing something to throw him into other dimensions as revenge because who knows. When you’re writing a crossover, you really have to think about what you’re doing.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882340/1/Pokemon-Fanfiction-Lorelei-s-adventures-Vol1

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

Use periods instead of endless run-on sentences.

Write out numbers with letters.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882475/1/Grass-Lover

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ her hairless sex ]

So even women who live in the middle of nowhere to be in tune with nature are still obligated to shave.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882576/1/Ash-s-Accident

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882735/1/Paul-Vs-Candice

[Sneasle ]

Sneasel. Check this sort of thing.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

This is really, really boring. Your story is mostly focused on the humans shouting attacks, and the battle description is brief and has no real tension to it.

Also, your story is full of basic errors. Run spellcheck and proofread better.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8882848/1/Hoenn-Is-Where-The-Start-Is

[But for others, an exiting adventure is about to begin when they meet pocket monsters, commonly know, as pokemon.  ]

This is awful, get a beta reader. Exiting should be exciting, when should probably be where given you already have a time word in that sentence, know should be known and there shouldn’t be a comma following it…

Also, spellcheck.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You really, really don’t need to repeat the opening of the first episode. Start at the point it diverges instead.

[ and he already has hours of extra training which I havent got… ]

Whole hours? Wow, Ash should just kill himself now, there’s no way he can possibly catch up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8883133/1/Pokemon-Journey-Kanto-Adventure

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ He asked his angry mother in a slightly nervous and waited for a response. ]

A slightly nervous what? Proofread.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ He told his in a little excitement and slightly nervous. The thought of a Pokemon getting a Pokemon excited him. ]

This is an absolute disaster. Get a beta reader and try harder.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8883173/1/The-Cresselia-Crisis

[- will represent a few hours passing.
– will represent about a day passing by.
– will represent about a week passing by.
^ will represent an unknown time passing by. ]

No, that’s ridiculous. Just state time passed in the narration like a sane person.

[In the hidden region of Campra lives humans and Pokemon.  ]

Live.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ To the North is strictly to Pokemon, ]

What?

[You guys aren’t even in the same Egg-group, my best friend, Riley, a shiny Farfetch’d told me. Even if you guys do get together, you wouldn’t be able to have kids. ]

That’s not really the primary consideration for most people.

[After breakfast was when the Incubators from 8 AM to 10 AM had to work their shift. You didn’t get paid much unless you actually had kids ]

Why would having kids mean your job paid you more?

[I had to check whether or not they were close to hatching and whether or not they would be Shiny. ]

Why is a cosmetic difference a huge deal to them?

[ Parents normally only claim their eggs if they are Shiny]

WHY THOUGH.

Also, your little asterisk thing is incredibly bad writing. All of this belongs in the story itself, not sectioned off to the side.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8883935/1/A-New-Direction

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884124/1/Marshall-s-Hoenn-Journey

Spellcheck is not optional.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Trainers start at ten.

Opening with your main character waking up and getting a pokemon is horribly overdone and boring on top of that. Figure out what your plot is and then start your story when that starts.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884371/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-A-Dragon-s-Heart

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

And this is all very rushed. You don’t give any real context for what’s happening, so it’s very hard to care about your character. And why do strangers seeing him fighting with the other group come to his aid, when for all they know he’s done something terrible to warrant the attack?

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