Bleh. Hopefully I won’t still be sick tomorrow. Anyway, somewhat different stories today, but sadly, botched execution.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884649/1/Red-Phoenix

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, never have two people speaking in the same paragraph and do keep people’s actions together with their speech rather than breaking it up weirdly.

[Its already ]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

This is far too short to be a chapter.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884680/1/Cinders-of-a-Criminal-Organisation

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ your nothing ]

“You’re” is short for “you are”, “your” is the possessive.

Also, Ash failing to get a pokemon makes no sense with the backstory you’ve set up, where he’s living in the same house as Oak (unless you meant he continues to live in his dead mother’s house, alone, at age five.)

It also makes no sense for Gary to be significantly nastier to Ash when his grandfather should have put a stop to this by now.

[“I am sorry Ash but the tame Rattata, Pidgey and Sandshrew that I had requested were stolen and there won’t be another set of Pokémon until next year ]

A terrible explanation. There isn’t any real distinction between wild and tame pokemon – you catch them, they do what you say or, occasionally, don’t. If anything most of the troublesome pokemon seen were tame ones. It’s possible Ash might need to wait a few days, but it’s ridiculous for it to be a year.

[Team rocket ]

Capitalize both parts of the name.

…and now Ash is joining Team Rocket because he wants a pokemon. He’s not even hesitating but lured into it because he just wants a pokemon so badly, he just calmly considers his options and decides being a criminal who steals people’s pokemon is okay. Look, if you want to write an OC, just do that!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884680/2/Cinders-of-a-Criminal-Organisation

[Ok.  ]

Okay, four letters.

[“We won’t be stealing Rattata or Pidgey because they are easier than my friend Jessie ]

And now James is OOC too, but now it’s with bonus misogyny. You’re really on a roll here, aren’t you.

And now he’s leaving Ash to his own devices, which is apparently fine as it doesn’t occur to Ash to try to ditch the guy or get him arrested so he can just be a regular trainer.

You’re really failing to develop his character into anything interesting. He’s not even getting into this because James is the first person to respect his opinion or anything – he volunteers information, but doesn’t seem to really care what James thinks about it. And you’re writing him as if he’s already familiar with all this stuff – [As he walked towards the exit, he whispered under his breath.
“Two behind counter, one in right doorway, several more likely in the dark room. Possibility of infiltration, not good.”] seriously? Ash, on day one of being a criminal?

[ He had made it behind the station a little ways off and meets up with the agent.
“It has been a while Jet do you have good news for me.”
“Yes I successfully managed to convert this entire police unit along with the police units in Pewter and Cerulean. Everyone in these units has devoted their loyalty to Team rocket]

Basically this is turning into a marysue pileup. There’s no sense anyone has a personality, it’s just flat voices discussing what’s going on. How can the entire police force have “converted” like this? And how could they then be super devoted and loyal now when they obviously aren’t people with a strong sense of loyalty to start with? How did one guy do it to even one unit, let alone units in other cities?

Also, you desperately need commas.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884734/1/Scratch-in-a-Diamond

Your main character is coming off like an idiot here. If her friends got pokemon from a professor, why does she need her mother to point out that maybe the professor will give her a pokemon?

[I hastily ran back upstairs and threw on a black, lacey cami with a purple shoulderless top on. Then I put on some dark blue skinny jeans and some silver bangles.  ]

I see she’s going to be convincing the professor to give her a pokemon on the basis of her complete inability to wear appropriate clothing for traveling.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[ “My brother, your uncle, gave me this before he left on his journey. He told me that I could use it to catch my very own pokemon. But I was never the trainer type so I didn’t use it… I thought you should for your first pokemon.” ]

This doesn’t make sense, professors typically hand out pokemon that are already inside pokeballs, for hopefully obvious reasons.

[“Well, Star, it would seem that Roy and Kenya took the last of my pokemon. The other one my assistant has. On the other hand, they proved themselves to me. You… I have my doubts about you.”
“W-Why?! I’m just as reliable as Roy and Kenya!”]

It’s funny because she can’t even dress herself properly. Not that her friends are probably any better.

[“Amaya, though I cannot give you a pokemon now, perhaps I can give you one that Roy or Kenya send back through the PC system.”]

Finally, someone being reasonable!

[“No.” I said coldly. There was no way I was going to rely on them. I wouldn’t rely on anyone. It would just be me. I’m the only one I can trust. I can’t trust my best friends because they just abandoned me to go on an adventure without a second thought. I can’t trust my mother who sees nothing wrong with it and encouraged me to see a Prof. that I can’t trust either.  ]

Too bad she’s a whiny brat about it. Also, don’t say “Prof.” That’s a title, you wouldn’t say you were going to see a Dr.

And now she’s deciding to kill herself over this. You know, protagonists should be somewhat tolerable.

Anyway, presumably this is why she inexplicably gets a pokeball that’s somehow to house her first pokemon, her mother read the script and knew she’d end up catching a wild one.

So she’s just getting a shinx. I was hoping for the scyther, that’d be a different starter. Plus, scythers attacking people for no reason is a terrible cliché, and the only possible redeeming feature would’ve been having one around.

And now the idiot is picking up the injured pokemon instead of using the pokeball to transport it. Well, I guess she has the excuse of not being used to having a pokeball.

[“Actually, I’m 14.” ]

In a world where preschoolers have pokemon. Why did she take forever to even think of getting a pokemon?

Write out numbers with letters.

Well, plotwise this is different than the standard formula, but I loathe everything about your whiny idiot of a character.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8885240/1/In-the-end

Capitalize your title properly.

Spellcheck is not optional.

[What they didn’t expect was the effects when a pokemon happens to die while carrying Pokerus. Though the cells of the Pokerus itself would have died, the effects of the virus are still active. ]

I realize media is to blame here, but a virus is just a string of genetic code that relies on cellular processes to reproduce. When those stop, the virus stops with them. A virus cannot do anything to dead cells.

The description of pokerus doesn’t actually match up with a virus (tiny life forms stuck to your pokemon matches parasites, and life forms in general is not a term someone should use for a virus), so if you want to use the idea of it hijacking dead cells, make it bacteria or a fungus or something.

If you really want pokerus-the-virus involved, the modifications have to be made before death. A virus altering cells so that they restart upon death would be fine. Just it’s a new strain of pokerus that does it.

Also, stop capitalizing the word.

[What’s worse is that the Pokerus actually MUTATED inside the first poke-zombies so that it’s contagious with just a single bite, and twenty-four hours of insanity before the unfortunate pokemon dies and is zombified. ]

Actually that sounds less contagious than regular pokerus, which can infect other pokemon just by being near them. They’d be grateful it’s reduced to only being passed by bite. Also, that’s a terrible cliché and not a good idea considering the diversity of pokemon. You’re better off saying it’s passed on by any form of skin contact, with, if you need it, the addition that some pokemon are resistant to the disease and able to repel at lower contact levels – so, any contact is slightly risky, scratches and bites extremely so.

[A/N. this is a character you have to know about to read this story.]

NO. Introduce your character in your story.

[6’0 with messy black hair covered by a black fedora with a black leather jacket with a duster that reaches his knees with dark jeans and red and blue trainers ]

I see the zombie apocalypse hasn’t stopped kids from outfitting themselves in the most cliché attempts at looking badass possible. Also, six feet is tall. Most sixteen year olds aren’t, and a zombie apocalypse is going to make for even fewer, since decent nutrition and health care will be falling by the wayside.

Proper zombies don’t spread by bite. Proper zombies exist as heralds of the breakdown of the natural order, that the world has fundamentally changed for reasons we don’t understand and can’t do anything to stop. All who die rise again.

Failing that, damn, can’t people be a little original about this?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8885294/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Echos-of-Time

Don’t try to imitate script format.

This is the same opening as everyone has. Skip to the part where your story isn’t still identical to the rest.

Don’t use quotation marks for thoughts.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8885325/1/It-Began-in-Pok%C3%A9wood

[It is almost textbook in its adherence to some archaic story; there was a beginning, then the conflict, the journey, the return as heroes, the betrayal.  ]

You’re misusing archaic. If you feel like playing with a thesaurus, double check the actual definitions first.

Don’t capitalize random words.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The falling stars. Or- as a friend of mine pointed out with much venom as she struggled under the full force of a Hypno’s psychic, the “dead, cold meteorites” ]

This is a butchered metaphor, Dead, cold meteorites are only those that have fallen quite a while ago and had time to cool. FallING stars are extremely hot and burning themselves up as they go.

But anyway, there seems to be a lot going on here, and you develop it all well. Your main character’s got an amusing narrative style that makes this fun to read, and the siblings switching places was well executed and well explained.

Doesn’t seem to have much to do with pokemon so far, though.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884535/1/Assimilate-a-Pokemon-Fanfic

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“If it were a bad one, would I take you towards it?” questioned Reshiram in reply. ]

Less is sometimes more. Questioned should be used rarely and absolutely never for rhetorical questions.

And hm. Nothing much has happened yet, but you’ve established the setup well enough.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8884535/2/Assimilate-a-Pokemon-Fanfic

[a boy identical in appearance to N appeared, followed by another, and another, until there were sixteen in all.
“We are A through to M. The Alphabet must be complete!” they announced.
“Whuh?” Neither N nor Hilda could formulate a suitable reply.
“We are the alphabet! You have no identity! You must be assimilated into the Alphabet!” chanted the doppelgangers.
“I have an identity! I’m N, the hero of truth!” replied N.
“There is no N,” ascertained the doppelgangers. “Only the Alphabet.”
“This is insane,” muttered Hilda.]

And not in a good way.

And now they’re forming a pyramid like they’re cheerleaders, because I guess they can’t throw their magic catch-anything ball unless they’re slightly higher up. Also some plan to take over the world. There really doesn’t seem to be much point here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8885615/1/Lost-and-Found

Hm. Well, the opening bit is interesting, I’m quite curious what he’ll do now that he’s trapped on an island without any pokemon to help him and, since he hates pokemon, probably not going to try to recruit any of the local pokemon to help.

And then on to the other kid, who’s threatening this guy with horrible things to make him talk about some lost pokemon. You do realize that’s still unethical, right? And part of why is people will make up information just so you don’t hurt them, so it’s not even a straight ends justify the means thing.

[The man talked. He told the boy everything.
Brian let out a huge breath he didn’t know he had been holding, his lampent sitting lazily in his arms. “Sorry you had to play the bad guy Wicky,” he told it.
The fire pokemon smiled up at him with its fiery mouth, showing him that it understood and didn’t resent him for it.]

Because it’s okay to have your character doing this if that’s the sort of person he is, but you seem to be portraying it as a straight up good idea with no moral issue.

Also, somehow he’s now unconscious? How’d that happen? There’s no mention of a pokemon using a sleeping attack, so that leaves more violent options.

I grow more irritated at fictional torture by the day.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8886206/1/Destiny-s-turns-The-whole-story

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Punctuation belongs at the end of all sentences, not just some.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8886437/1/Letters-to-Kotone

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to the ” used for dialogue and makes it look like your character is speaking aloud.

Anyway, this is rather cliché. His pokemon don’t really seem to have any purpose beyond trying to play matchmaker.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8886816/1/Story-of-a-Dreamer-Prologue-Preview

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Way too short for a chapter and mostly just summarizing events.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887038/1/The-Pokemon-Hybrid-Book-1

You need a beta reader and to use spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8887074/1/A-Post-Apocalyptic-Kanto-Working-Title

Stop capitalizing random words.

[ Sure, we lost Fuschia, one of the major weapons factories ]

This sounds like you’re saying they lost Fuschia and also one of the major weapons factories, because an entire city isn’t summed up as a single factory. If you mean it’s important because there was an important factory there, you should say “we lost Fuschia, which had one of the major weapons factories” or something along those lines.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[When Fuschia got bombed out, predictably, the fences that kept the dangerous Pokemon in the Safari Zone broke. Now those extremely dangerous wild Pokemon roam Kanto, contributing to the breakdown of the Government. ]

Nope. The Safari Zone pokemon aren’t much different in level from the other pokemon in the area and they’re certainly not too dangerous given it’s the only place in the game you’re allowed to wander around in tall grass and face pokemon without a pokemon of your own standing between you and the wild one. Hell, you’re encouraged to chuck rocks into their faces. If you want dangerous pokemon, say the pokemon center was damaged and somehow a lot of trainer pokemon were released or something like that.

[But that’s not the only thing. When the war ended, there was a problem. The gangs from all the regions descended upon Kanto and staked their claims in the cities. The government gone, nothing could be done to control these people ]

Why would the government be gone when they just won a war? That’s really not how winning works. And you seem to be saying they only lost a single city of their own in the process. Even assuming they were overtaxed by the war, they should have been able to apply whatever military they still had to the new problem. They might end up overwhelmed in the end, but that’d take time. Also, why would the gangs decide the best target was the government that just completely annihilated another country?

[Meanwhile, with the collapse of the government, the army and postal service have all but disappeared. We have virtually no contact with the outside world here in Pallet Town, so we aren’t in the loop about what is happening. ]

They have phones. Assuming those have been destroyed, including cellphones that connect up to satellites, there’s still radio. The choices are really not sending paper letters or no contact at all.

[I should explain. Even after the war, the Pokemon League is still on. Of course, the gym leaders are different than the ones Red fought, and almost every Gym Leader changed right after the war, when the gangs came in, so the play of the game changes slightly. No one knows what types they use, because anyone who tries to tell dies suddenly. ]

That’s particularly idiotic. Even assuming the entirety of the existing pokemon league at the time didn’t give a damn about their own cities being taken over, other trainers would have higher priorities than getting a bunch of badges for bragging rights, especially when the gym leaders started murdering trainers for talking – also, how the hell would that even work, how do you reliably murder the people who just proved they can beat you in a fight? Why wouldn’t you be worried about them murdering you right back?

[ I’m about 5’10” ]

You never need to give your characters exact height and you should absolutely never be describing a height given down to the exact inch as “about”.

[Third Person]

Don’t switch like this, it’s really annoying.

…so Pallet is totally cut off, which should completely fuck up all trade, but the standard new trainer wakeup is still identical to every other fic? He’s got plenty of clothes to wear, for example, and there’s no sign of poor heating or anything else to indicate things have gotten bad.

[“The first Pokemon, a Sewaddle, goes to… John Smith!” a woman’s voice rang out, and a young man stepped forward and took the Pokeball.]

So instead of using the lottery to decide who gets to pick first, they’re just giving the pokemon out at random, ensuring as few people as possible actually get the one they want.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

[it’s moves]

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” is short for “it is”.

And now his eevee is beating the aron because you wanted to be clear from the very start that he’s an enormous sue.