Ah, pokehorror. Actually better than past years because there wasn’t a pile of bootleg creepypasta this time for some reason. Not sure why but I’ll take it!

 

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12173513/1/Enamored

[Blanche was hoping to evolve a red gyarados. She would love to figure out what sort of gene caused the mutation, or if it was even caused by a gene at all.]

I realize Pokemon Go functions differently so possibly their shinies will as well when/if introduced, but it’d make a lot more sense that she’s searching for a shiny magikarp to try to nail down what causes odd color morphs in general, because the GS red gyarados wasn’t a regular magikarp that only became weird on evolution but the standard shiny gyarados produced whenever a shiny magikarp evolves.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ She did not want the magikarp getting out yet. They would die very shortly outside the ball, deprived of water]

Not really. Even ignoring the weirdness of the games having water pokemon just float there, water types in the anime can clearly survive on land without distress, they just often have difficulty moving. And magikarp in particular is based on, well, a carp, and even our ordinary animal goldfish can survive a out of water for a bit without harm.

The magikarp would probably be unhappy out of water and start jumping all over trying to get back in, which is a perfectly fine reason not to let them out, but they’re not exactly fragile.

[Eleven O’Clock? ]

Just “o’clock”, you only need capitals for proper nouns.

[Maybe they found another Pokemon worth catching, ]

Same thing here.

[They had their Pokedexes. They can use those to call here in case of emergency. Those things had been redesigned for that very purpose, even if they were rendered physically incapable of tapping the call button. They monitor the adrenal glands of their owners. If they were in danger they would have been afraid, if they had been afraid the Pokedex would have gone off and I would have been notified.]

Okay, that sounds incredibly overcomplicated. I’m not sure what’s more unbelievable, that they’d be capable of monitoring internal stuff like that or that anyone would think it’s a good idea to send out an alarm every time someone gets excited – do they exclusively recruit trainers who are bored senseless by everything about the job? Really, you should’ve just said there’s an emergency button on it and stopped there.

[It almost looked like the strange rogues were having fun, and it’s shaken even the other gangs into silence. No one has heard from any of them. No graffiti, no propaganda, not even any grunts on the streets. Whoever this new criminal syndicate was, they were feared, and they remained anonymous. No one knew what it was they wanted, and in addition to their bloodthirsty “sport” it had a purpose: they had left no witnesses. No one knew who they were or even what they looked like, and to him that was the scariest part.]

While I agree that’s more threatening than any of the standard teams…how does this fit with the magic pokedexes that are measuring every twitch of the adrenal glands? Shouldn’t they be getting signals every time the trainers are attacked?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12173513/2/Enamored

[She fell to her knees, entirely desolated. She had never seen this much blood, nor could she comprehend the fact that there were legs and tails and bones scattered near and far away. The bits and pieces of one pokemon could have covered a square mile. ]

That sounds very dramatic, but the fact is if you spread a pokemon across an entire mile you’re really not going to be able to make out much.

If you’re trying to get across the idea that a whole lot of pokemon died, then instead of focusing on saying one single pokemon is scattered over the entire mile, focus on the mile part and saying that there were enough dead to blanket that entire area in blood and bits.

[“I didn’t get a call. I just – they were late. They were three hours late a-and it felt wrong, and I got worried so I’m looking for them.” Spark nodded.

“So maybe you’ve just gotten a little paranoid?” She took a step back. That was it. That was the very fear she held deep down in the bottom of her heart, that she had come out here for nothing. That a complete stranger, Spark no less, had seen this messy and dysfunctional side of her. For once, she allowed her first thought to pour out of her mouth.

“That’s rich, coming from you. What happened to ‘trust your instincts’ Spark?”]

Put the person’s actions next to their dialogue. What you’ve got here is ridiculously confusing. It should be:

[“I didn’t get a call. I just – they were late. They were three hours late a-and it felt wrong, and I got worried so I’m looking for them.”

Spark nodded. “So maybe you’ve just gotten a little paranoid?”

She took a step back. That was it. That was the very fear she held deep down in the bottom of her heart, that she had come out here for nothing. That a complete stranger, Spark no less, had seen this messy and dysfunctional side of her. For once, she allowed her first thought to pour out of her mouth. “That’s rich, coming from you. What happened to ‘trust your instincts’ Spark?”]

Also, no, this doesn’t make any sense for him to be saying. You just recounted last chapter that he panicked over a trainer being a half hour late and it turned out the guy was dead. If he actually cares about protecting people, he should know this means he needs to try to find them rather than needling her.

Also, this isn’t actually an instinct thing. There’s a dangerous group murdering people and your first clue it happens is them just not showing up. Even if Spark would talk about it in those terms, she wouldn’t. You keep presenting it as if she’s just sensing something’s wrong when there’s good reason to think the trainers are either in trouble or already dead, and you’d think the knowledge leader would be able to communicate something so simple.

And now Spark is continuing to be a dick by arguing with her about petty stuff and delaying by making her explain why she thinks her trainers are where she has good reason to think they are. Why is he doing this? He’s coming off as either a callous idiot or some genius trying to stealth sabotage the other teams by getting their trainers killed.

I assume you want a way for Blanche to say what she’s doing, but you could accomplish that by having her just tell him the basics without prompting, rather than him needing to ask dumb questions and slow things down. It’d also help to have this conversation while they’re flying instead of as something they’re doing instead of flying.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12173513/3/Enamored

[Blanche relaxed into the tub as much as she physically could. Everything felt sore, and it wasn’t just the physical discomfort. She wasn’t used to unfamiliar surroundings. ]

…so, why did she go to his apartment instead of home? I realize this is a standard trope, but usually there’s a reason. If she were driving, she might be too out of it, but riding a pokemon, the pokemon’s the one making those decisions. It’s like being drunk, you’re not going to have that much trouble getting home if your transportation is a horse rather than an automobile. And it’s not like the fact she’s rattled makes her want to be there, because as you say, the fact it’s not her home is part of why she’s having trouble calming down.

And it’s just that he’s concerned, he could take her home and stay there for a bit to make sure she’s okay – no matter how antisocial she is, I doubt she’s got actual wards keeping everyone else out of her property.

[“Thank you.” She awkwardly tacked on. Spark raised an eyebrow.
“For what?”
“I know how the rest of you see me. You chose to help me in spite of it.”]

This continues to make Spark seem like an asshole if basic human kindness is meant to seem like a big deal because she’s not his very best friend.

[But then why were there so many awful rumors about her? Why did people say that she subtly abused her pokemon? Why did they say she was a cold and heartless shrew? ]

Well that sure came out of nowhere and makes no sense with what we’re presented and seems to just exist for drama’s sake. Why indeed.

[“Come on machamp! You can do this! You’re the greatest and strongest pokemon of them all!” Always she did this for her pokemon. She would wake them early, and head for the gym. She’d set up their exercise routine, and cheered them on and told them they were amazing.]

When used as a name, it’s a proper noun, so, Machamp. Also, this is very much a team thing – does she really tell each of her pokemon that they alone are the greatest and strongest? Because that seems amazingly insincere and also means she can only ever have one out as once, which is pretty inefficient.

This suggests Pokemon Go is going to result in some weird, weird fic as people who don’t know any of the other canons trickle in.

R4. For a three chapter story that was first posted on Oct 2nd. Dammit people.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12193297/1/Kit-and-the-Dungeon-Boss

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

There’s really not much of a plot to this. One character bullies the other, than the other switches personalities to an unstoppable murderer and mangles him. Pretty boring, and all the blood in the world won’t change that.

[“W-Where am I? W-What happened?” The Braixen groaned as he peeled himself off the bloody ground. Although he couldn’t see the blood he could feel it sticking to his fur and smell it in the air. “O-Oh Arceus! It happened again!”]

Also, if trying to be an adventurer always leads to you standing in a pile of viscera horrified, you’re not a very good person if you insist you’re going to keep trying anyway. If this generally happens to people who deserve it, I could see the braixen being okay with it, but evidently he thinks this is wrong and awful, so why isn’t he doing anything to avoid it happening again?

R0.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12193865/1/Let-Sparks-Fly

So this is just the thing someone else wrote on tumblr, expanded a bit to be gorier and, relatedly, a lot less interesting.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

While fic expanded from tumblr posts is often not that great, it’s rarely this awful.

R0.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12200137/1/Requested-Pokemon-Fapfics-Halloween

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Well his cognitive and motor functions are optimal. ]

Optimal means the absolute best. If you mean they’re fine, you want something like “undamaged”.

Also, if someone’s trapped in an endless dream, how could you tell how well their motor functions work? And his cognition is obviously not that great if he’s hallucinating – you’re presumably trying to say there’s no obvious damage to the structure of his brain.

It was all a dream is also just a really bland, boring “twist”, moreso when it’s just some random OC.

R3.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12202877/1/ARW-Alternate-Endings

Alternate endings to a fic should absolutely not be posted separately. There’s a reason for the rule about not posting chapters independently.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

R0.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12203647/1/Imminent-Eruption-Ambitions-of-an-Admin

[He remembered typing endless lines of code long into the night just so Team Magma fans could have a compendium of team info and a meeting place on the Internet app. But Leader Maxie himself had the site taken down when it was in full swing, on account of its “infringing on Team Magma’s intellectual property rights” or something of that nature.]

The part where this is publicly available for law enforcement to peruse at their leisure seems like it’d be the bigger issue.

[Team Magma needed a leader who was youthful, with strength to drive the team towards its goals and enough knowledge of internet recruitment to swell the ranks with grunts eager to serve the Magma cause.]

It’d also be nice if he had slightly more of a motive. Maybe you’re going for a banality of evil thing here, but it’s just plain banal. Maybe if you showed Maxie treating him well and viewing him as a close friend, it’d be a bit more upsetting that he’s planning to kill the guy, but as it is, they have different views, there’s no sign they get along, and there’s really nothing that shocking about it.

R0.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12207975/1/Daybreak

[I’m a Riolu.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

A couple paragraphs of someone rambling about how nothing much happened then maybe something was happening then cutting off is not enough for a stand-alone chapter. This should be at the top of whatever the rest of your story is, not by itself.

[It started one day. We were just looking around the outskirts of Yuka. Our home region.]
[It was just any other day, exploring on the outskirts of Yuka, Once again it’s our home region. We all grew up there]

Also, for christ’s sake, if you realize you’re written this badly, don’t apologize for saying it again, EDIT IT OUT.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12207975/2/Daybreak

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Well when we saw that orb like thing, I ran after it I thought it was a rare treasure. But when I got closer to it, the thing started making demonic noises. It stopped after a bit of running. I caught up to it to see what it was. When I got close to it, I noticed that it was pulsing with some powerful energy. It made me shake as it pulsed, I tried grabbing it but it blasted me back with force that it caught me off guard. Looking up from the ground it started shaking uncontrollable. After that it opened a strange purple like portal. I saw some strange black red creature bursting out of the portal. After all that I blacked out.” Shinx said almost in one breath.]

I really don’t know why you thought it was a better writing move to have all of that happen off-screen and then told after the fact.

It keeps going, but I won’t.

R1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12211869/1/Pokemon-GO-Mystery-at-Discord-Center

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ her first-person POV shooter game]

It’s just “first person shooter”.

[ “You ate that off the carpet?”

“Ten second rule.” She plopped back on to the couch with her mouth full.

“It’s ‘five second rule,’ and it’s still disgusting. Studies actually show that the moment food touches the floor—”]

That the five second rule does, in fact, accurately reflect fact the amount of bacteria picked up is proportional to how long it’s in contact with the floor, as was found by the actual study actual scientists actually did to show what actually happens. It also says this varies based on the surface involved, with carpet being the best surface for minimal bacterial contamination.

Don’t just say “studies say” and then write a bunch of unsupported stuff you feel is true. If you want to write a character who cares about science, check the science.

[“It let itself out. It was feeling ‘cooped’ up.” He snickered.

“uughh,” she groaned at the pun.]

That’s not a pun.

[“Yes!” Candela punched the air. “Thank Arceus I saved the game!”]

…so, she’s playing a game where her purpose is to heal her teammates, and she’s shouting [ Shut up! I am but one angel of mercy, you giant bag of d—!”] at them, but it’s a singleplayer game? And yet, despite being a modern shooter singleplayer, it doesn’t work on a checkpoint system? I’m getting the impression the only videogame you’ve ever played is Pokemon Go.

[“Whatever killed the lights must be responsible for this, too. There must be a correlation between the two.”]

“Correlation” is scientist for “these two things happened at the same time but don’t have any provable connection”, which is to say, exactly the opposite of what you meant.

[“I don’t believe in coincidences.” Blanche’s tight, curt response ended that line of conversation.]

Another thing that is not how science works.

[Someone’s hand slipped into hers and wrapped their fingers around her palm. . She squeaked out a small cry, froze in fear. The hand didn’t let go. Her heart raced. The hand felt too small to be Spark’s, so it had to be her other friend’s. It pulled her forward. She could hear the shifting of fabric, and light footfalls. Filled with fear, though an odd sense of trust, she followed. But why would Candela remain silent? The hand within hers tightened its grip. It felt cold.]

This is some nicely subtle horror, but it’s let down by the fact that when she does find Candela she’s shocked, as if she didn’t already suspect.

R0

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12213274/1/Grudge-Raggedy-s-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[At the age of 16, she was getting ready to set out on her own Pokémon journey. ]

Nope.

[“But WHY do you want to kill me?]

Better question, why is Violet continually hanging out with a pokemon who just keeps saying they’re going to kill her?

[The voices in my head would whisper. They knew. And I knew. The things they said about me. How I was a freak. How even by Banette standards, I was a nutcase. Insane. ]

So, if this can’t be explained by being a banette, why are they so repetitively, boringly evil? Why is their character so painfully flat and why is this being dragged out forever without any actual development but just a million “and I hated them and wanted to kill them!1!”?

[Through it all, no matter many times I’d threaten to kill her, Violet would still talk to me. ]

Alright, halfway through and I’m honestly too bored to continue. Why did you think it was a good idea to write thousands of words of a holding pattern?

This is almost eighteen thousand words long!

R1

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12211879/1/A-Halloween-night

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[There, in the mud just below the window, were a pair of tracks. They were, however, nothing like what he could have ever imagined.

They were large and looked nothing like a humans. They resembled that of an abnormally large wolf.]

No, because there’s no pokemon named “wolf”. Pick one he could reasonably know.

“And then suddenly he dead” isn’t actually much of an ending.

R0

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12212282/1/Ghosts

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh, as horror the pokemon elements are just holding this back. The gastly either did kill his wife so ghosts are evil or she died of natural causes and their presence is irrelevant. The phantump meaning there definitely is some sort of life after death while at the same time saying suicide isn’t the right answer just seems smarmy. This’d be better as original fiction just centered on the horror of a kid killing himself because of his dad’s platitude about Mom going to a better place.

Hey, blocked!

R2.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12212905/1/HALLOWEEN-HAVOC

Writing stupidly on purpose doesn’t wrap around to clever.

R0

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12197305/1/Rivalry

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ The Seviper was last seen stealing a poor mother Pidgeotto’s eggs. He understood that a Pokèmon needed to eat, but this forest was full of things to eat, not to mention the countless Rattata and Zigzagoon skittering about. He just encountered another of the purple rodents, it was nibbling on the last berry on an Oran bush. Blade’s place in this ecosystem was to keep these rodents at bay, yet she was gradually failing her responsibilities. ]

That’s really not how ecosystems work. It’s not more ethical to only murder things after they hatch.

[Scythe swiftly ended the life of this unfortunate Rattata, however much it sickened him to kill another Pokèmon with no purpose for consumption.]

Really really really not how ecosystems work.

[he smelled something close to rotting meat.]
[As it was brought closer to his face, he could smell the reek of the deceased unborn.]

So, if these eggs are long-dead, why is it so horrible the seviper is eating them? Wouldn’t it be way worse to see a squirming, dying fetus inside?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12197305/2/Rivalry

[The wailing cries of the lost mother followed Sythe, and no matter how fast he ran, they still haunted him. He couldn’t sleep that night, afraid that the bereaved Seviper would ambush him at anytime. Afraid of the guilt. To this day, he has been running and hiding from the Seviper he had eventually learned wax Blade, fighting her when he needed to. He had even taken it upon himself to ensure balance in his new home]

Seriously, this makes no sense. It’s wrong to kill eggs but it’s okay to murder them after hatching and just leave their bodies to rot because in his opinion there’s too many around so they need to die.

[He even gave up meat, in hopes that the guilt would someday go away.]

How on earth is it more ethical to kill people and then leave the body?

Also, this really shouldn’t be two chapters. It’s barely a thousand words and there’s no point to the split.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12205025/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Go-Glitch-Trainer

Absolutely love the rhythm and poetry of this.

[ In Pokémon Go you’d stall hopelessly, barely able to make a dent in your EXP requirements that increased by orders of magnitude like a diagram of the solar system.
There were voids between planets, and you could fall in.]

[and here we were, starving sleeper agents prepared to drop everything to catch ’em all, activated at last.]

[A church bell tolled, which definitely wasn’t ominous as shit]

[No, I just… I grease the wheels, I prop open the hole in the fence that’s already there. ]

[To be the best you have to be the best, or you have to make it so that you are by attrition.] – which is so sad, and underlines how the meta of this game is ultimately rather dreary, with only one real and so very exclusive way of winning.

The one complaint is that the final reveal seems too easy – it should be almost on the level of the mew trick, something one person looking in just the right way could figure out rather than something lots of people would try out of curiosity and plenty more by mistyping. Maybe some sort of RNG exploit, which might also be more compatible with how the pokemon spawns are controlled on the server side. Could maybe tie it in with [Missingno spawned on the liminal space between land and sea, on an environment unassigned to specific encounters. ] and it’s something like a glitch where biomes touch or the edge between areas the game’s released and areas it hasn’t been.

R0 like most of them. Dammit people, review!