It’s that time of year again!!!!!!!!
Hm.
Since the kangaskhan is the baby’s mother, you should use “she” and not “it” as a pronoun. Also, “two” not “2”.
If the woman was killed by a hungry scyther, why did it only cut her up and not eat her? Why are the safari officers using darts if they’re willing to kill the kangaskhan, and why don’t they make sure to finish her off instead of leaving her to die of her injuries?
There’s also the problem that none of this seems very connected. If the kangaskhan had scared off the scyther, it’d feel particularly unfair she was blamed. But here it’s just stumble over dead body by chance, officers show up right then by chance, battle to the death, baby has psychotic break. This is gruesome but doesn’t seem to have any unifying point behind it. Even just stretching it out would help – if the mother escapes and hides only to die of her injuries and the baby’s driven to cannibalism first, that’s more disturbing and more reasonable than just mom dies, therefore baby mutilates the body.
[WARNING: This story contains such a high level of shocking horror, you may actually die of fright before reading it. Do not read if you are pregnant or have a heart condition.]
I can’t tell if you’re actually serious or if this joke is intentional, but either way, starting off like this makes it impossible to take the story seriously. That’s the last thing you want with horror.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
No, it’s just the usual sort of bad.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
It’s okay, four letters.
Rushed and nonsensical. You’re just saying that hey, she’s evil in a really obvious way that should have led to all those people who know the truth reporting what she did. But they don’t. Because.
“Alot” is not a word.
Write out numbers with letters.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Also, learn to proofread. This is just a mess.
[Copyrights, BITCH! Let’s get started, shall we?]
You’re an idiot.
Write out numbers with letters.
[A house stood right on the outskirts of Viridian City, where a man and his only 16-year-old son lived. David and Marcus. David only had his father growing up, hence the fact that his mother was killed while he was an infant. ]
This is terrible. You don’t need to specify that it’s his “only” sixteen year old son, given it’s rare for people to have twins. “David and Marcus.” is a sentence fragment. “Hence” does not mean “because”, and so what you actually wrote is that since he only had his dad around, his mom was killed when he was an infant using time travel or something. If you don’t have the slightest clue what a word means, don’t jam it into a sentence.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dark types are a stupid choice to use if you’re saying a pokemon was mind controlled. And zoroark are rare, so one being around to kill his mom is a stretch and there being another there for his dad to later capture and torture is a lot more of one. Also, they’re evolved pokemon, so a regular guy shouldn’t be able to just walk up, grab it, and lock it in his basement to ineffectually torture for years. And seriously, beatings and a couple cigarette burns are the most he manages in three whole years? If you’re going to write about torture, grow a spine first.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
[First, she tried screaming. There was not too much luck, as the cloth muffled her voice. ]Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never
“Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he
said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain
a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never
“Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a
speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so
generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said
“this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
“Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he
said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain
a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never
“Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a
speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so
generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said
“this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Look. If you want to write about a person getting kidnapped and locked up, own up to it and stop trying to pretend this is a pokemon story. I’m assuming this is all in the service of the kid making out with her later, so if it’s so vital he hook up with someone covered in fur, say she’s a pokemorph and that pokemorphs don’t have powers. It’s still terrible, but at least it’s technically consistent.
Also, you need to move the setting to somewhere not near anywhere, let alone a decent sized city, because otherwise the first thing he should do is take her to a pokecenter and not play nursemaid himself. Mind you it’d still be pretty ridiculous that after being let out of the basement she has no desire to escape the house, but you could maybe justify it if the area outside is empty and she has no hope of getting any help. Also again, make her a pokemorph if you want her to behave exactly like a person with the ability to speak and all that.
[Me: well…zombies and shipping, i always wanted to read a pokemon fanfic about m fav shipping in a apoclypse (sp?)]
Site rules actually specify that you have to spellcheck, as well as possess a passing familiarity with grammar. Try harder.
Spellcheck and proofread.
The idea of this is an interesting one, but if pokemon are held to freaky beauty standards requiring the rattata to get all sorts of surgery, wouldn’t he have noticed the rest of them are similarly warped? Did he just never see any rattata, or was he seeing cool contests and she’s there for cute ones or something?
Yeah, this is ridiculous. The reason
people think the Lavender Town suicide thing is dumb is because we
played the game in the first place and survived it just fine. If you
want the song to have actual secret mind-destroying powers, it has to be
some special original version of the song that was taken out of the
edition most people got, or have some second factor required to make it
work.
people think the Lavender Town suicide thing is dumb is because we
played the game in the first place and survived it just fine. If you
want the song to have actual secret mind-destroying powers, it has to be
some special original version of the song that was taken out of the
edition most people got, or have some second factor required to make it
work.
Also,
having it just be about committing suicide because the song’s stuck in
her head is a terrible waste of the music. You could do that with
literally any song. And the whole mental institution she magically
escapes is both cliché and nonsensical. Part of a good creepy story is
knowing when to end it, and after an anticlimactic second attempt at
suicide is not it.Given how fandom will not let this go, the fitting way of doing it would be by obsession. While most kids finished that area relatively quickly, kids who were bad at the game and had to keep healing and trying again, or kids who deliberately stuck around to try to train, or anyone who was sure a catchable marowak would appear if only they waited long enough, spent so much time in the area they eventually get driven nuts by the music.
having it just be about committing suicide because the song’s stuck in
her head is a terrible waste of the music. You could do that with
literally any song. And the whole mental institution she magically
escapes is both cliché and nonsensical. Part of a good creepy story is
knowing when to end it, and after an anticlimactic second attempt at
suicide is not it.Given how fandom will not let this go, the fitting way of doing it would be by obsession. While most kids finished that area relatively quickly, kids who were bad at the game and had to keep healing and trying again, or kids who deliberately stuck around to try to train, or anyone who was sure a catchable marowak would appear if only they waited long enough, spent so much time in the area they eventually get driven nuts by the music.
There is no capital letter shortage. Use them.
[my speaker is one that you cant change the volume from or mute ]
Really. Not that the computer being frozen made it impossible to do it, but the speaker just has exactly one setting and it’s always on at a set volume. Truly, you have mastered making a creepypasta sound realistic.
[i tried to find my speaker’s plug only to find it was built in to my computer. ]
Because this isn’t something they should already know.
[my mouse froze when i realized i could close the window, and when it unfroze i found out it was like ; just needed to shut down the computer.]
Yeah I’m done. Try harder.
[It was October, my favorite month, because of the 31st, that was still 20th days away.]
You need to use connecting words better and also, “20th” is a specific date. It’s like saying something is third days away, it’s nonsense.
Write out numbers with letters.
[Pokemon Black two ]
You capitalize all of a title, not just most of it.
[My eyes widen as I realized it was a very old Pokemon game. One that was one of the first games ever made, along with Pokemon Red, Blue, and Green. ]
“Widened” is the correct tense. Also, if we’re talking about games people actually had in English, there never was a “Pokemon Green” at all. The Japanese Red and Green came, then the Japanese Blue, then Blue was used the base for the English Red and Blue, and then only after all that does Yellow arrive on the scene. The last game of the original generation is a much more accurate statement than talking as if they were all made at the same time.
[“Don’t you think that maybe you should at least try and find out if someone lost it?” Cyndy questioned. ]
Questioned is the sort of thing policemen do. All she’s doing is asking, or maybe pointing out. Also, stop using “chuckled” everywhere.
[We searched for hours, going from home to home in our little town, looking to see if anyone owned, or might have lost the game.]
No, they didn’t, because that’s crazy. Just say they looked around and didn’t see anyone, then move on.
[my Mom ]
When used in place of a name, it’s written Mom, in any other constructions like my/her/the mom it’s written as such.
[I went to my room, got out my old Gameboy, took out my SoulSilver, and put in Yellow. ]
SoulSilver wouldn’t work or even fit in the original gameboy.
[I hit start, and a New Game and Continue was there, as I had thought that it would be. Part of me wanted to see what the person before me had done, but another part of me just wanted to start a new game, and begin something for my childhood. ]
So they’re willing to spend all day asking every last person in town if they lost a game, but not take thirty seconds to see if the previous owner used their own name for the trainer? This is already supposed to be a cursed freak game, just say there wasn’t a continue option or the game won’t let them load it. Considering how old the cartridge is, that would be expected.
[Soon enough, came the part where you got to pick your character (Although, you can only be a boy in Yellow, remember?). ]
Why on earth is that parenthesis there? Is this an author’s note? Putting an author’s note in the middle of a story is idiotic normally, there are not words for doing it in what’s supposed to be a first person horror story.
“Its” is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
If you want your character to not realize Yellow can’t have shiny anythings in it, then instead of saying this is their childhood, have them be excited because they never played the original game. This would also serve to cover some of the other over the top weirdness you’re undoubtedly going to jam in.
[Professor Oak asked if I wanted to give my Pikachu a nickname, and I hit Yes. I was one of those kids that lnicknamed their Pokemon. I named my Pikachu Thunder, in memory of my first shiny Pikachu. It didn’t matter what Pikachu was caught, or game, I always named my Pikachu that. ]
First, proofread. Second, so the nickname is after the shiny pikachu that only appeared in the mid-generation remakes, but it’s also what they always name all pikachu forever. You need to be clear you mean that ever since that first shiny, they’ve kept using the nickname Thunder.
[“Whatever you do, don’t lose control. Don’t let the Pokemon control you. You must stay in control. If you don’t, your fate rest in the Pokemon’s.”
As I heard that, I felt a shiver run down my spine. What did that mean? I was sure as hell that he never said that the last time I had played the game.]
How would they know? They can’t even remember there aren’t shinies until next gen. Also, that final sentence is a mess. It should be “rests” and I think you either dropped a word after pokemon, which incidentally would be POKeMON back then, or else it should be “with” and not “in”. Basically, proofreading is good.
[“I wasn’t suppose to lose! I’m as good as dead! Eevee, I’m sorry! Forgive me, please! Forgive me!”]
Seriously, proofreading.
Also, making it simply a matter of battles ending in the death of the losing trainer makes training an impossibility – each time people battle, the number of trainers is cut in half. It’s like a reverse nuzlocke or something, no one would do this.
[May Mew help him..” (Yes, I know Mew isn’t the God Pokemon, but I use to think that a long time ago, and I’m sticking with it.) ]
STOP DOING THIS
And now the game is even more obviously not right and the character;s just being stupid, as is the customary form of failure in all creepypasta attempts on FFN.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“Watch out,” `The Luxray casually warned, and she leapt out of the way as a huge Golem attacked her.
]
If someone’s saying a warning, you generally don’t need to add “warned” as a speech tag.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Well, the team seems nicely intimidating and powerful, and the opening fight is nicely done. The whole tail curse business is pretty vague and overblown, though.
[if you haven’t guessed by now, this is going to be a very dark story, Dark enough to be borderline-creepypasta ]
Like your story, your author’s note should be written properly, which means capital letters do go on the front of sentences and don’t go at random points elsewhere. Also, creepypasta is not a standard for darkness, it’s a style that’s based on urban legends.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This isn’t particularly poetry so much as a repetitive story hacked into chunks. And not much of a story either. Poetry needs more than prose arranged differently and repeating something five different ways.
[“…so as to conduct tests on the human body and brain without the moral constraints of torture onto an actual person, right?”]
Since when did Team Rocket care about moral constraints in the first place?
That was a rushed and unsatisfying ending. There’s no reason you’d have to stop cutting just because your subject died – that was kind of going to happen at some point regardless – and if there’s a million other versions of the one pokemon cross he’s been working with that he’s going to vivisect now instead, he could’ve just gone straight to vivisecting one of those disposable ones in the first place.
Also, it’d have been more interesting if, given how humanlike they look, the idea was that mr mime were themselves the pokemon/human crosses, rather than that this is a cross between humans and one.
[the chocolaty, nuggety treat ]
This is pretty overwritten. He’s unwrapping a candy bar. He doesn’t even much care that it’s candy. Yet for some reason you’re going on about it like this.
Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.
[a Growlithe ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[questioning to herself, “my Growlithe, why did you die?” ]
Questioning isn’t a speech tag you just chuck in whenever there’s a question mark involved. She also wasn’t saying it “to herself” because what you wrote is, while hideously clunky (what on earth is that “my” doing there?) definitely addressed to someone else. Someone might use the specific phrase “talking to herself” to mean she’s speaking when there’s no one else there and not just the literal meaning of saying things aimed at herself, but since he can see the ghost there, even that wouldn’t make sense.
Seriously, this is so overwritten it’s tripping over itself. Spend less time trying to make your story look good and more on actually making it be good.
Use paragraphs.
This reads like you vomited a bunch of creepypasta cliches into a pile and then posted it. Mysterious pokemon and a friend not answering! It’s happy to have someone pay attention to it! Something happens that is different from the game mechanics! Complete failure to have anyone acting like a human being! Black evil ending with the whole gameworld being dead! Nothing follows, there is no attempt to tie this together, it’s just nonsense happening that’s supposedly scary because you mentioned blood and death.[I don’t like to edit old texts I write.]
And I don’t like to read lazy shit.
[his Pikachu ]
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Write out numbers with letters.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
“Its” is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
This is boring. It’s just Green shows up, Red is an idiot, murder.
[They didn’t listen to its’ heeding cry. ]
“Its” is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”, “its'” manages to always be wrong, stop doing that. And I have no idea what you think you’re doing with “heeding” there.
[Espurr’s pokedex entry blatantly states: “The organ that emits its intense psychic power is sheltered by its ears to keep power from leaking out.”]
Yeah, you know what is doesn’t blatantly state? That this means it’s agonizingly painful for them to have their ears touched. And if you actually check the petting minigame, they enjoy having their ears rubbed and only start objecting once they like you. What would even be the point of having something that’s supposed to be the protective structure be the super-sensitive bit?
[I’ve seen trainers in plain daylight rub the poor, faintly cobalt kitten’s ears to its’ extreme discontent. ]
Don’t throw in unrelated description. Does the fact they’re “faintly cobalt” have anything to do with the sentence? No? Then it shouldn’t be there. And “extreme discontent”? The longer you take saying something, the less impact it has. Really, you could stop at “ears” since everyone already gets that you’re saying they don’t like it by this point.
Write out numbers with letters.
And then the story just falls apart from here on where for some reason the espurr can speak but only French and the narrator is somehow getting pulled in and so is their pokemon and it’s all about how horrible petting their ears is despite that actually not being what’s in the game and also the main focus seems to be on how the espurr doesn’t want to accidentally kill people even though the story revolves around how much they must hate these trainers, and it just keeps going long after you’ve made your point, and also it’s about pokemon abuse in general yet you keep the monofocus on the ears. Like with the sentences, you need to prune things that don’t matter from a story.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Write out numbers with letters.
This is particularly uninspired even for creepypasta. It’s just a game and then there’s some new stuff about death in the dialogue, oh no! And it’s impacting the real world!!!
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
Also, generally speaking, use said more. It’s really obvious you’re trying to use a wide variety of speech tags because they fit so poorly I can’t help but notice.
[that facet fixed ]
Proofread.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
And so this entire story was a complete waste of time, just a lot of boring dialogue followed by you stealing the ending from a better urban legend.
Don’t say “pokemons”. Pokemon works fine as a plural, like deer or fish.
[Suddently, ]
Spellcheck.
Hm. You handled the trainer well, having him clearly care about his pokemon and just not understand what the problem is, so the suspense builds nicely. That’s a clever explanation for a fear of pokeballs, and I didn’t see the end coming.
[If your cool read this. ]
“Your” is possessive, “you’re” means “you are”. Also, you’re an idiot, don’t post what you didn’t write.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Long and tiresome. You don’t need to belabor the point that’s already clear in the text, you’re not pointing out anything new and innovative when you have the character spend a paragraph every time Ghetsis says intentionally bad things to point out that he’s the real jerk.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
This is all rather incoherent. So she’s someone who got killed trying to protect her cubone, but it’s dead too, therefore she finds a random charizard, them being so common, beats it to death because they’re also super easy to kill, and cuts off the head with one remarkably sharp and sturdy stick, and jams the thing on the baby charmander thus creating a cubone somehow.
[Red and . . . how beautiful the blood lay splattered across the plate, in long vertical strains and little puddles. A canvas created into a masterpiece. It wasn’t just plain blankness . . . it was art. ]
It wasn’t blank at all, you just said there’s blood splattered everywhere.
[my childhood rival deliberately destroyed and detrimentally ruined my life. ]
This is terrible writing. Something detrimental is just one component dragging things down and it’s completely at odds with the rest of what you’re trying to say. Even ruined is actually a weaker word than destroyed. This is also also stupidly overwordy. If someone destroyed the character’s life, then that’s what they did, you don’t need to cast around desperately to find a way to repeat yourself in different words. You are not getting scored on how many different words you can jam into this.
[Red, that imbecile, he was so popular and smart. ]
He can’t be an imbecile and also smart. You’re not paying the slightest attention to what words you’re using, are you?
[The cherry trees were in blossom and their peddles ]
Get a beta reader, this is a hideous mess.
This isn’t creepypasta, it’s the story of your mary sue winning a generic creepypasta plot because she is so special and great. Also, waterfall doesn’t prevent pokemon from being traded back to the first generation and I don’t see how you possibly thought it was a glitch seaking learned it or why that would matter, and also what sort of idiot kid doesn’t tattle on the other kid even when the kid’s parents come to see what’s wrong?
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
There’s not much of a story here. If you want her death to matter enough to carry the story, you really need to develop her a lot more.
Not a story, don’t post this kind of thing.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
This is far too short of a chapter. It’s a handful of paragraphs of someone walking, then you end with them shining a light on a pokemon. If you’re going somewhere with this, don’t stop until you actually reach that.http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9806651/1/Genesis-The-Ultimatum-Division
[*OCs accepted*]
Don’t do this. A mess of characters you get from people will never fit into your story the way ones all created by you for a story will. It’s bad writing and obvious attention whoring.
[fresh eating zombies]
Proofread.[At first these zombies were dim-witted and brainless, but they were quickly evolving. These monsters began to send their pokémon out instead, while they lurked in the shadows. Although they still cannot open doors, walk up stairs or swim]
So they can work pokeballs and plan, but the subtle brilliance of stairs remains beyond them.
[Meanwhile in a tropical island somewhere hidden near the equator, a military facility has been locating survivors and experimenting with them. Genes known as Genesis are injected into these teens to make them stronger, faster and smarter. Genesis or DNA taken from Pokémon give these special teenagers extraordinary attributes.]
Why don’t they just build stairs. Pokemon abilities obviously did nothing to stop it from infecting all the pokemon right from the start, but stairs remain an impenetrable barrier after six whole months.
Think about what you’re writing.
[The buildings were even worse, no one dared go inside.]
And now apparently it’s the nonzombies that can’t handle stair and door technology. Seriously, think about what you’re writing.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never
“Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he
said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain
a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never
“Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a
speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so
generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category.
Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said
“this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s
“Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.”
If she’s fourteen, she’s not a “young girl” or “little girl”. That’s how you’d talk about a seven year old.
You’ve got sentence fragments and wrong words all over the place. You really need a beta reader.
[Genesis List-
Genesis Shishi: Shishi is the most advanced form of Genesis. In this phase a human is given the power to transform into a pokémon at will. You are limited to one pokémon, someone who has mastered this can stay in this form for as long as they please. While a novice can remain from 5 minutes to an hour. (You can also use the pokémon’s ability and move set)
Genesis Honshitsu: This Genesis comes in second, power wise. Mason wields this ability. This combines both your soul essence and the moves of a pokémon enhancing it’s strength tenfold. A master can combine or use two moves at once.
Genesis Shido: Genesis Shido comes from the Japanese term “guidance”. In this you can summon your pokémon using items such as an amulet, a scared ring or anything that is extremely important to the user. It is possible to fuse with this pokémon to create a human and pokémon hybrid. But this requires a great deal of training. The pokémon and human are connected and are one, therefore their souls are intertwined. If the item is destroyed both the human and pokémon dies. While if the pokémon perishes it simply retreats to the item to heal. (Healing time: 30 minutes)]
This is ridiculously overpowered.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[a
locale where trainers and other Pokémon lovers would come to visit
their perished partners. Sarah had her own charity, where she would
breed all kinds of cute Pokémon pets for the sick people of various
regions to adopt.
]
locale where trainers and other Pokémon lovers would come to visit
their perished partners. Sarah had her own charity, where she would
breed all kinds of cute Pokémon pets for the sick people of various
regions to adopt.
]
So…the death of a pet pokemon is horrible, but it’s great to breed
huge numbers of new pokemon to be totally dependent on owners who
often die on them.
huge numbers of new pokemon to be totally dependent on owners who
often die on them.
[It
always fascinated her how two Pokémon would produce so many eggs
together, and the mystery of where they came from only fueled her
desire to become a Pokémon Breeder. ]
always fascinated her how two Pokémon would produce so many eggs
together, and the mystery of where they came from only fueled her
desire to become a Pokémon Breeder. ]
Yeah,
this is one of those game quirks that sounds really dumb whenever
people try to engage it. If anyone wanted to solve the mystery, they
just need to stare at the two pokemon until they produce eggs.
this is one of those game quirks that sounds really dumb whenever
people try to engage it. If anyone wanted to solve the mystery, they
just need to stare at the two pokemon until they produce eggs.
[Her
mother worked as the town’s Nurse Joy and learned some first aid as a
result.]
mother worked as the town’s Nurse Joy and learned some first aid as a
result.]
What
you have right here is saying her mother learned first aid, nothing
about her mother teaching it to her as well. Also, if her mother was
in charge of the pokecenter, surely she’d have pointed out that if
you find an injured pokemon you should just take it there? It’d be
one thing if you made it clear they were well away from any help like
that, but she’s on her way home.
you have right here is saying her mother learned first aid, nothing
about her mother teaching it to her as well. Also, if her mother was
in charge of the pokecenter, surely she’d have pointed out that if
you find an injured pokemon you should just take it there? It’d be
one thing if you made it clear they were well away from any help like
that, but she’s on her way home.
[Sarah
had planned on entering one of the contests with him, but she never
found the motivation. His time was often spent in the Daycare, with
many different mates. The total egg count that he had fathered in his
lifetime was close to 1,200. ]
had planned on entering one of the contests with him, but she never
found the motivation. His time was often spent in the Daycare, with
many different mates. The total egg count that he had fathered in his
lifetime was close to 1,200. ]
So
she’s running a puppy mill devoted to destroying various pokemon gene
pools. Seriously, twelve hundred pets, all at least half siblings,
running around, getting put in daycares and bred as well. That’s
staggeringly irresponsible. I think you just pulled out a number to
sound impressive, but it’s more the creeping horror of how much
inbreeding’s going to happen down the line.
she’s running a puppy mill devoted to destroying various pokemon gene
pools. Seriously, twelve hundred pets, all at least half siblings,
running around, getting put in daycares and bred as well. That’s
staggeringly irresponsible. I think you just pulled out a number to
sound impressive, but it’s more the creeping horror of how much
inbreeding’s going to happen down the line.
[She
cursed at herself, realizing she had left her Poke Balls at the shore
line. ]
cursed at herself, realizing she had left her Poke Balls at the shore
line. ]
There’s
no reason for a trainer to act this way.
no reason for a trainer to act this way.
Jellicent
are indeed creepy, and you build the suspense well enough, but the
fact there are other, occasionally deadly pokemon around when you
travel is the basis of pokemon training. If she no longer raises
pokemon and she’s just crossing in a regular boat, than the
jellicent’s boat-sinking murdery bit fits well. But saying the one
pokemon there just doesn’t notice and for some reason she didn’t
bother bringing her many other pokemon doesn’t work.
are indeed creepy, and you build the suspense well enough, but the
fact there are other, occasionally deadly pokemon around when you
travel is the basis of pokemon training. If she no longer raises
pokemon and she’s just crossing in a regular boat, than the
jellicent’s boat-sinking murdery bit fits well. But saying the one
pokemon there just doesn’t notice and for some reason she didn’t
bother bringing her many other pokemon doesn’t work.
[They
say that in older times, people sealed the dead with valuable metals
and gemstones. Egyptian sarcophagi encased in gold, the embalmed
corpses silently wrapped in death bonds with lustrous rubies.]
say that in older times, people sealed the dead with valuable metals
and gemstones. Egyptian sarcophagi encased in gold, the embalmed
corpses silently wrapped in death bonds with lustrous rubies.]
That…doesn’t
seem really accurate, in the least. Sealing is something you do to
make something you can’t get rid of at least maybe leave you alone,
and embalming and stuff is done to preserve because you want it to
stick around. Even assuming the main character’s unreliable, the word
choice along is contradicting there.
seem really accurate, in the least. Sealing is something you do to
make something you can’t get rid of at least maybe leave you alone,
and embalming and stuff is done to preserve because you want it to
stick around. Even assuming the main character’s unreliable, the word
choice along is contradicting there.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Gravestones
erected over the final resting place of the dead, cut from marble
slabs and etched with the names of departed souls in molten silver.
Even Eterna City has some of those- I saw starving Rattatas
desperately clawing at the stones, all skin and bone, unaware that
death was at their side. ]
erected over the final resting place of the dead, cut from marble
slabs and etched with the names of departed souls in molten silver.
Even Eterna City has some of those- I saw starving Rattatas
desperately clawing at the stones, all skin and bone, unaware that
death was at their side. ]
Why
are there starving rattata all over the place, and also, why would
they be going after the stones themselves? I think living in a world
where you regularly see nearly dead animals who are mad with hunger
is a bigger deal than anything you could say about gravesites.
are there starving rattata all over the place, and also, why would
they be going after the stones themselves? I think living in a world
where you regularly see nearly dead animals who are mad with hunger
is a bigger deal than anything you could say about gravesites.
[the
diagnosis: radiation poisoning. Some doctors said it was because of
that eerie office building that stood next to her house, the one with
the large ‘G’ logo. I didn’t know and I didn’t care ]
diagnosis: radiation poisoning. Some doctors said it was because of
that eerie office building that stood next to her house, the one with
the large ‘G’ logo. I didn’t know and I didn’t care ]
If
an office building nearby is so radioactive it’s killing people like
this, I think the narrator, doctors and everyone else in the vicinity
would probably want to actually investigate and do something, not
shrug and say maybe that was the cause.
an office building nearby is so radioactive it’s killing people like
this, I think the narrator, doctors and everyone else in the vicinity
would probably want to actually investigate and do something, not
shrug and say maybe that was the cause.
Write
out numbers with letters.
out numbers with letters.
[I step inside, I notice the faint odor
of leaking methane gas from deeper in the old house ]
of leaking methane gas from deeper in the old house ]
The gas would’ve been shut off long
ago, so unless your character is deliberately being obtuse to better
get himself killed, he knows something’s wrong about now. (It
certainly can’t be any natural leak, since the stuff has no natural
smell.)
ago, so unless your character is deliberately being obtuse to better
get himself killed, he knows something’s wrong about now. (It
certainly can’t be any natural leak, since the stuff has no natural
smell.)
[Colonies of Gastlys have thrived well
in this methane-rich air ]
in this methane-rich air ]
That’s sort of interesting, but doesn’t
fit to the locations gastly show up in. Also, methane’s highly
reactive, so if anything, probably not good for a presumably not
methane gas pokemon to be growing over a leaking gas pipe.
fit to the locations gastly show up in. Also, methane’s highly
reactive, so if anything, probably not good for a presumably not
methane gas pokemon to be growing over a leaking gas pipe.
[When I unwrap it, it looks like a bar
of chocolate.. except that it’s colored a dark violet. When I notice
the bone-dry bite marks out of one corner, I nearly retch and hastily
set the candy bar down, hurrying out of the room. ]
of chocolate.. except that it’s colored a dark violet. When I notice
the bone-dry bite marks out of one corner, I nearly retch and hastily
set the candy bar down, hurrying out of the room. ]
That’s a nice reaction.
[slam the door shut, riling up the
methane infestation. Rattled, the eerie pests begin flitting around
the room in a wild panic, filling the air with a obscuring haze of
black and violet that makes me gag. As I wait for the methane and the
Gastlys to settle down ]
methane infestation. Rattled, the eerie pests begin flitting around
the room in a wild panic, filling the air with a obscuring haze of
black and violet that makes me gag. As I wait for the methane and the
Gastlys to settle down ]
I’m starting to think you’re just using
methane as some sort of replacement for general unpleasant air. The
stuff floats, you know? It’s not going to settle back down when
things still, it’d be flowing constantly out of this place.
methane as some sort of replacement for general unpleasant air. The
stuff floats, you know? It’s not going to settle back down when
things still, it’d be flowing constantly out of this place.
[This methane gas cloud is thick and
violet, not transparent the way it should be. ]
violet, not transparent the way it should be. ]
Also it doesn’t form distinct clouds
regardless, so, there’s that.
regardless, so, there’s that.
[To my surprise, the first and fourth
doors are now unlocked. ]
doors are now unlocked. ]
Okay, you did a pretty okay job so far
having weird stuff happen but keeping it low key enough that he
wasn’t sure. But the point where he knows someone else is in there,
sees them, hears them doing stuff in another room yet the room is
covered in dust…that’s the point he needs a really good reason to
stay any longer. All you’ve offered is that he refuses to believe in
ghosts, which is pretty flimsy, then the very next thing you have
happen is that he finds confirmation that the doors are mysteriously
locking and unlocking. At this point, the only reasons to stick
around is that he’s hiding in here from the police/the mob/someone
random person with a gun and good aim, or because he actually does
believe in ghosts but thinks they’re awesome, so he stupidly thinks
all this stuff is a good sign.
having weird stuff happen but keeping it low key enough that he
wasn’t sure. But the point where he knows someone else is in there,
sees them, hears them doing stuff in another room yet the room is
covered in dust…that’s the point he needs a really good reason to
stay any longer. All you’ve offered is that he refuses to believe in
ghosts, which is pretty flimsy, then the very next thing you have
happen is that he finds confirmation that the doors are mysteriously
locking and unlocking. At this point, the only reasons to stick
around is that he’s hiding in here from the police/the mob/someone
random person with a gun and good aim, or because he actually does
believe in ghosts but thinks they’re awesome, so he stupidly thinks
all this stuff is a good sign.
And then it just gets silly. Murderous
rotom, okay. Long explanation and then the main character dodging
various murderous appliances because the rotom’s mad they didn’t like
the candy, that’s a much tougher sell.
rotom, okay. Long explanation and then the main character dodging
various murderous appliances because the rotom’s mad they didn’t like
the candy, that’s a much tougher sell.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He
said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or
“Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next
sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as
“Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or
“Hello,” He grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech
verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally
stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore,
if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he
said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this
is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And
if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,”
he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break,
you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “-
is it.”
Don’t use ” for thoughts. It just
looks like your character is talking to themself.
looks like your character is talking to themself.
[“You have to hit them in the
head.” I hesitantly informed them.
head.” I hesitantly informed them.
“Shoot, I think they’ve already
been hit in the head hard enough.” Nolan scoffed.
been hit in the head hard enough.” Nolan scoffed.
“No, I mean you have to destroy
the brain.” I insisted. “If you destroy the brain they stay
dead. It’s the only way they die.”]
the brain.” I insisted. “If you destroy the brain they stay
dead. It’s the only way they die.”]
First off, use said. Nice, serviceable
speech tag that isn’t half as distracting as you dancing around it
like you’re doing here. Second, just because they’re undead doesn’t
mean they automatically follow standard fictional rules, and if they
did, other people would already have thought of shooting the head
because that’s a bog standard trope everyone knows.
speech tag that isn’t half as distracting as you dancing around it
like you’re doing here. Second, just because they’re undead doesn’t
mean they automatically follow standard fictional rules, and if they
did, other people would already have thought of shooting the head
because that’s a bog standard trope everyone knows.
Oh dear lord now on the basis of
playing zombie shooters he’s saying that zombies have bad vision and
great hearing.
playing zombie shooters he’s saying that zombies have bad vision and
great hearing.
So this is basically how your character
is a zombie apocalypse sue while everyone else recites various stock
tropes in place of a story.
is a zombie apocalypse sue while everyone else recites various stock
tropes in place of a story.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu
or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re
using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu.
This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which
are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be
applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like
telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its” is possessive, as in
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
“its story”, and “it’s” means “it is”.
This was remarkably dull. You do
absolutely nothing with the idea of pokemon catching people and it’s
just generic grim apocalypse, but instead of zombies mowing down the
survivors it’s a bunch of thrown pokeballs.
absolutely nothing with the idea of pokemon catching people and it’s
just generic grim apocalypse, but instead of zombies mowing down the
survivors it’s a bunch of thrown pokeballs.
Eh. It’s a cute enough idea, but the
song you used it pretty recognizable and therefore distracting –
I’m not thinking about what’s going to happen to the character, I’m
thinking it’s the Nightmare Before Christmas song and how that was a
silly movie. Having something of your own would’ve let suspense build
and made the ending seem like an actual surprise.
song you used it pretty recognizable and therefore distracting –
I’m not thinking about what’s going to happen to the character, I’m
thinking it’s the Nightmare Before Christmas song and how that was a
silly movie. Having something of your own would’ve let suspense build
and made the ending seem like an actual surprise.
Actually one of the better ones, but
the song made me not add it to the C2.
the song made me not add it to the C2.
So basically
you’re ripping off Saw but without even the slight hesitation or
passing grasp of anatomy. Instead Blue’s told to kill her friend so
she immediately does so by tearing the girl’s heart out.
you’re ripping off Saw but without even the slight hesitation or
passing grasp of anatomy. Instead Blue’s told to kill her friend so
she immediately does so by tearing the girl’s heart out.
Also
[The
females’ heads ]
females’ heads ]
Don’t
refer to people as “females” unless you’re looking forward
to a long life of everyone else referring to you as a creep.
refer to people as “females” unless you’re looking forward
to a long life of everyone else referring to you as a creep.
Creepypasta
are styled after urban legends. They’re not just any horror story.
are styled after urban legends. They’re not just any horror story.
You
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t
capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time
you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name,
ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only
capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or
things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re
thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
“Its”
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
is possessive, as in “its story”, and “it’s”
means “it is”.
Semicolons
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when
grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly,
judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable.
If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because
the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look
pretentious.
[That’s
when I noticed that the Hex Maniac was floating. Rather, she was
hanging by her neck. A long, pink arm was extended from the treetops,
holding up the Hex Maniac by her throat. I didn’t ask if she was
alright; she was dead for certain, and I didn’t want to share her
fate. ]
when I noticed that the Hex Maniac was floating. Rather, she was
hanging by her neck. A long, pink arm was extended from the treetops,
holding up the Hex Maniac by her throat. I didn’t ask if she was
alright; she was dead for certain, and I didn’t want to share her
fate. ]
Not…really.
Being strangled isn’t exactly instantly fatal, and it’s not a
situation where the character’s able to tell she’s been hanging there
for some time now. If the idea is your character has no way to
actually intervene anyway, then sure, she’s effectively dead either
way, but a “there was nothing I could do” would be better
here.
Being strangled isn’t exactly instantly fatal, and it’s not a
situation where the character’s able to tell she’s been hanging there
for some time now. If the idea is your character has no way to
actually intervene anyway, then sure, she’s effectively dead either
way, but a “there was nothing I could do” would be better
here.
Anyway,
that was certainly creepy – a good slow build, explaining enough to
follow without ruining it by having someone exploit every last
detail, and an understated ending rather than some explosive fight
and lots of gore.
that was certainly creepy – a good slow build, explaining enough to
follow without ruining it by having someone exploit every last
detail, and an understated ending rather than some explosive fight
and lots of gore.
[Somehow Professor Oak was in my dreams
and wouldn’t stop saying every proper noun in ALL CAPS. ]
and wouldn’t stop saying every proper noun in ALL CAPS. ]
They’re not proper nouns. Proper nouns
are the names of specific people or places. You sticking capital
letters on them is just as stupid as ALL CAPSing them.
are the names of specific people or places. You sticking capital
letters on them is just as stupid as ALL CAPSing them.
Anyway, this is a sort of amusing idea,
but you’re not really going anywhere with it. Everyone’s just
accepting it as not that big a deal, so it’s hard to care.
but you’re not really going anywhere with it. Everyone’s just
accepting it as not that big a deal, so it’s hard to care.
Hm. That was creepy. But it doesn’t
really go anywhere and also, it’s got nothing much to do with pokemon
– it’s a story about someone getting poisoned by someone else and
not realizing.
really go anywhere and also, it’s got nothing much to do with pokemon
– it’s a story about someone getting poisoned by someone else and
not realizing.
I was planning to do Homestuck as
well but once again Homestuck has managed to make pokefic look good
in comparison, so fuck no.
well but once again Homestuck has managed to make pokefic look good
in comparison, so fuck no.
Precious, I love hammy junior high school level sp00ky stories.
wow so spoopy
wow
so dark
violence wow
I just wish they weren’t all creepypasta attempts. Part of putting up with badfic is that at least it can go in interesting directions. With the cargo cult creepypasta, it all follows the same formula, without understanding the important parts of that formula, and that lack of understanding is always of the same parts.