Halloween Reviews

It’s scary reviews day!!!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12673233/1/The-Magician-of-Ilex-Forest

[ but he didn’t care if any feeble, pitiful human spotted him. He was Houndoom. His horns were longest, his paws were biggest, his teeth were sharpest, and his fire was darkest. That meant the name belonged to him more than to anyone else. The other houndoom merely borrowed it.]

[That’s not all chicken. You killed human.

He growled back. It’s not my fault the chickens stay close to the humans. Sometimes a human gets in the way, and that is why I get the chickens and not you. My horns are longest, my teeth are sharpest.]

Okay, so the summary says this is about the tipping point, but that’s undermined by the fact your main character is getting treated as exceptional. It doesn’t seem like this is taking place before pokemon really fear humans but just like this one houndoom thinks he’s so awesome the rules don’t apply to him.

Also, why didn’t he just eat the human? Meat is meat.

The way he’s messed up by the pokeball is an interesting bit, but it seems too perfect a fit – it’s not clear quite what Kaato meant for the drugs to do, but he doesn’t seem to understand it’s completely sapped the houndoom’s will to the point he needs specific gamelike orders to use proper attacks, yet also somehow made him fear other pokemon rather than just obeying them the same as he obeys Kaato’s orders after he’s ditched. Kaato having several tricks where he starts with a disoriented amnesiac and trains/hypnotises the pokemon the rest of the way seems more plausible than one particular drug doing all this in one go.

Zero.

I feel like pointing out that I’m doing anything horror back to the first of the month. Despite being up so long, still no reviews.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12674833/1/Spoopy-Pokemon-Halloween-Stories

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But you’ve forgotten; not everything goes as planned here in the town of Viannail.]

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Your formatting is awful and you need to separate out paragraphs more.

[You call your Pokémon back in its ball, but before you can relax again, you hear a panicked… No, more of a terrified screech, coming from out the door. You stare at the doorway as you stay perfectly still, wondering what in the world is the Rattata doing? Soon enough, you hear a sort of humming sound along with the Rattata’s sounds of struggle. What? The screeches become more and more strained as time passes on, soon to become weak and less intense as the humming stayed constant. Your heartbeat grows rapid and loud, as if it wanted to beat out of your chest as you listen to the sounds of the humming. What happened to the Rattata?

You start to move towards the doorway, but you hear the humming get closer to the doorway, seizing any chance of dashing out the way you came. The boxes were too small to hide in, and the window wasn’t an option either: unless falling several stories was something worth risking. The only option left? The bell: it was big enough to hide a human]

Why didn’t they just send their umbreon back out? How did they even manage to raise an umbreon if they never have it out? Either admit your story is a poor fit for the fandom because you don’t want the character to have pokemon to fall back on or write a plot where letting pokemon out more than once works. Having them only use the pokemon when it’s pointless is the worst of both worlds.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12677021/1/Puddles-of-Scarlet

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short you threw together.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Then, in Mauville City, he had planted himself firmly on Wally’s bad side. What kind of a person saw their opponent send out a level 16 Ralts and responded with a level 32 Grovyle? And then proceeded to use nothing but Pursuit for the whole battle? Maybe Wally hadn’t quite been ready for Wattson. But he was almost certainly ready for Roxanne and Brawly!]

I’m not sure if you’re going for dramatic irony where this whining is meant to prove he really wasn’t ready at all. It seems the point of the fic is more like a moment’s inattention can be fatal, but this just paints him as an idiot who expects everyone to coddle him and refuses to learn from his own mistakes. If he took that as a sign he needed to work harder in training, or that he should go get more pokemon, then got killed doing so, it’d be more reasonable than holding a grudge the person he insisted on fighting to prove he was strong didn’t intentionally screw up to give him a win.

One, but it’s from proxy-me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12686996/1/Shadow-of-Kanto

[ Now… This is a dark fic. Like, this prologue here? It’s really messed up. I’m honestly a bit scared that it came from my brain, but regardless. ]

You barely even described the gore. Horror is more than just saying there’s body parts and blood letters. I spent most of it trying to figure out since when his mom had a housekeeper to dismember and if you meant Mimey or not.

[ Regardless, I don’t want to ruin the fun, so I’ll say only this. Ash Ketchum, from now on, you’re number one on Orre’s most wanted list. As such, you better sleep with one eye open, as some very powerful people will be coming after you. ]

This isn’t particularly scary because unlike his mother, Ash is a talented trainer who’s repeatedly gotten in the middle of legendary pokemon squabbles and survived. “Next we’ll murder everyone else you’ve ever cared about!” would be far more upsetting since there’s so little Ash can do about it.

[Wrapping his mother’s hand up in a pillow case he quickly departed from the room. He knew that with such a far-fetched claim like “My mother’s been assaulted and taken” in such a small town as Pallet, he would need a form of proof. ]

Really the closest you get to horror is the fact Ash is disturbing the crime scene with such stupid reasoning instead of just calling the police to the house.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12689981/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Serena-s-Gastly-Encounter-Halloween-Special

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

[“Gaaasssstlyyyyy,” the ghost-type spooked.]

“spooked” is not a valid dialogue tag.

There really isn’t much of a plot to this.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12689678/1/Ashachu-s-Mating-Session

You really should not need to open your story with a list of ages and a translation key. If you’ve done a halfway acceptable job your story should make it clear enough and if you haven’t, your story has issues well beyond anything you can patch with an author’s note.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[a young woman with light red hair covered with a dark brown witches hat, around her neck is a small cloak the same color as her hat, a dark violet strapless dress that reaches just below her thighs with a light pink belt around her waist with a star shaped belt buckle and light blue leggings, on her hands she wear light purple gloves and black shoes with bronze shoe buckles on them standing in front of a boiling cauldron.]

Description, like any other type of writing, should not be in the form of a run-on sentence.

Also, you have Ash helping her with the potion followed by her asking for a volunteer and Ash getting out of the crowd. If you’re so excited to get to the lemon you can’t even keep track of basic cause and effect, just start at the lemon. It’s not like it’s going be more confusing without your garbled nonsense of a lead-in.

[/Later at Night/

Inside Lily’s cabin the whole gang was asleep in separate rooms with Ash, Brock and Pikachu in one room and Lily and Misty in another.

/Inside the Girls Room/]

Much like with the opening, if you have to say this, your story has bigger problems.

Also, I’m sorry that sex ed was canceled at your middle school or whatever happened here but if you want to write porn you should have a passing understanding of how genitals work. Maybe try Wikipedia.

Four, because I guess other children don’t know how to google for better shitty porn. I blame the school system, personally.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12693585/1/Pok%C3%A9ween-The-Return-of-Ethan-Psych

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[It’s settled. Ethan Psych has been proven mentally insane. His Pokémon team have been stored in a locker for when he gets out. But now, it’s just a lost cause. He’ll never see the light of day.]

Accidentally killing someone doesn’t end with you in an asylum, no matter how mangled the corpse ends up. Also, crazy person goes on murder spree for no reason is incredibly boring.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Two, because SYOC presumably.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698250/1/Fleeing-From-Darkness

[As you all know, past High School, I practically disappeared off the face of the earth, though I am back, the most popular female of the school year.]

Okay, to make a stab at what you meant to say: “As you all know, after we graduated high school, I practically disappeared off the face of the earth, but now I, the most popular girl at school, am back.” Writing is more than grabbing words in the general ballpark of what you meant and shoving them into a pile.

[The reasoning for the theme being of the 1920’s is a simple yet complicated seeming one, as the only way to reach the house is to be picked up by a member of my staff, my driver/butler. He uses a time traveling car of the past, of which can only be seen if you are dressed in such 1920’s attire. The car also will not be seen if you are carrying anything that is not apart of the 1920’s era, apologies if you wished to bring your phone or such.]

Well, that sure is the end of any possibility of taking this seriously.

Five, but one’s proxy-me and also it’s SYOC.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12698767/1/Heart-of-Darkness

[Forms of Speech:

Telepathy/thoughts: “no need to worry.”

Human/pokemon: “Finally”

Hybrid: “BACK OFF”]

You really should not need this.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Prologue doesn’t mean tiny snippet of the fic that doesn’t go anywhere. Giovanni vaguely menaces Ash is a stock opening that doesn’t actually tell anyone what your story’s about.

One, and it’s proxy-me. Also, for anyone wondering – it’s not Ash being related to Giovanni, Giovanni turned him into an absol morph because of course you give your best superpowers to people who hate you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12703201/1/Heart-Gold-Hell-Pokemon-Creepypasta

[I’ve been an avid Pokemon fan for the past few years. My first ever game to do with the franchise was the gold version on the Nintendo GameBoy.]

The inconsistency of your capitalization is painful.

[Jhoto]

You’re a huge fan but also you can’t spell the region?

[I always found it funny that the mountain is called ‘Mount Silver,’ despite it appearing in Gold, Silver, Crystal, Heart Gold and Soul Silver. I think that they should have changed the name for each version, to make it more fitting. ]

Why? To make it impossible for anyone to talk about it without rattling off every possible name? It’s a snow-capped mountain. That’s what the name comes from.

[For a few seconds, I thought that Nintendo had decided to make Mount Silver a bit scarier as it does supposedly house Red’s ghost.]

So have you ever actually played these games or do you know them solely through third-hand creepypasta? You realize Red’s shown up alive in multiple games since then.

[“Pokemon are worthless. I was a trainer for one reason, and that was to live in harmony with Pokemon, but they betrayed me. They killed me. They ripped me apart mercilessly and tossed me around like a doll. I will not tolerate Pokemon to exist any longer with me still here. Fight me and send me out of this disgrace of a world.”

The battle then proceeded to start. Red’s sprite slid into the screen on the opposite side of my trainer sprite. He had no eyes, like his picture displayed with the static.

I sent out my Ho-oh and waited for Red to send a Pokemon out, but he didn’t do anything. I was confused for a few seconds before I remembered what he said. ‘I was a trainer for one reason, and that was to live in harmony with Pokemon, but they betrayed me. They killed me. They ripped me apart mercilessly and tossed me around like a doll.’

It suddenly made sense as to why Red didn’t send out a Pokemon. All of his Pokemon had betrayed him, turning against him and killing him. That was the reason why Red died in the first place. It wasn’t a lack of food or hypothermia that killed him as everyone speculated. His team slaughtered him mercilessly.]

Look, I get that you are super proud of yourself for writing those sentences, but you don’t need to repeat them over and over. Also, might’ve been a good idea for your character to have other thoughts than “wow how super awesome those words are and what a good update to existing creepypasta they are!” like, say, wondering why this would be in a game or at least why his pokemon would randomly turn on him and only him.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

One, an actually detailed review. Shocking.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12707807/1/Gardevoir-and-Chaud

[Warning: this story contains many incorrect ellipses and is not actually my fanfic, but ]

There is no but. Don’t upload other people’s stuff.

Four, two from one person and two replies by the author. Did FFN officially give people the ability to post multiple signed reviews or did the site break?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708053/1/Nightmare

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[”I’m hungry.” She muttered to herself. She looked around, wanting to go home and eat something.

But, where was home?

All she could see was the meadow. It was spreading whereever her gaze could reach.]

A seven year old isn’t a two year old. I did my best to get myself lost when I was seven and it’s really not that hard to retrace your steps. Turn around and walk back the way you came, circle outward until you see something you recognize, etc. There’s a whole lot of basic things to try and it’s only after failing at them that it makes sense to run around screaming you’re lost. If she got here by a path through the woods but doesn’t see any path upon returning to them, that’s a much more reasonable point to feel concern.

[ tounge ]

Spellcheck.

[I have mama and papa and Mina]

When used in place of a name, words like “mama” and “papa” are capitalized the same as any other name.

Also…again, seven and two are different numbers. You’re writing her like she’s barely capable of stringing a sentence together.

[People and Pokémon were running away, trying to escape the black-purple orbs of energy. They didn’t succeed. He hunted them down, each and every of them. All of them went down, one by one. They wouldn’t escape him, not after what they had done to him.]

…enraged to be told he killed his friend, furious to realize they’d been trying to save her, he decides to kill lots of people?

I’m guessing the gengar is meant to have more of a point to it – perhaps they’re wrong about the reason she was stuck asleep? But it really doesn’t seem to matter. Darkrai really is a dangerous and vicious pokemon who responds to the death of someone trying to be kind by saying mass murder is justified since no one was ever kind to him.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708260/1/Pokemon-Reset-Bloodlines-Shadows-of-the-Jungle

[My colleagues, professors Bertram Huges and Sonya Keys, as well as myself, professor Gideon Knowles, decided to specialize in research of rare Pokemon, such as those denominated Legendaries.]

Pokemon and legendaries shouldn’t be capitalized because it’s a common noun, professor should be since here it’s a title and therefore a proper noun, and you presumably meant “designated” and not “denominated” – not sure how that happened, maybe you hopped around a thesaurus? In conclusion, get a beta reader.

Two, shared world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708466/1/4

Not really sure what to make of this.

[ Turning me into human broccoli before a doll was apparently what she had in mind.]

Okay, and what does this add? She’s clearly not actually a vegetable in the fic, and in her short canon appearance she’s mentally there and it’s just the whole being-a-doll thing that’s the problem.

[As a mother it was almost biological how impossible it was for me to hate my child. I did not stop loving her – I had no choice but to identify with her no matter how insane it sounded.]

Really, if this was the thing Sabrina did to her first, instead of claiming all mothers love all children because biology, that’d be far creepier.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Her childish alter was the only one who simply the toy-box while she only supervises or helped arrange the captives.]

Also, you really needed to proofread this better. Your sentences are wonky or outright missing words.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12708570/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Reset-Bloodlines-Agatha-Sam-Gaiden

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This story really needs to be tightened up. Your dialogue is horribly stilted and you have so, so much of it.

[Agatha’s heart sunk. There were no problems, she knew that. The world was dangerous, but Tony could make it. Tony, the only person she really had left.]

[Her brother was now alone in the most dangerous forest of Kanto and Johto, armed only with one Poké Ball. A shiver ran down her spine, and she clenched her fists tight.]

Okay, so on the one hand we’re told Tony’s capable of handling himself as a trainer, but on the other hand, he’s a complete idiot who does this and Agatha apparently was right that he should never be one. Is the idea that because she was afraid of anything happening to him, she also insulated him from how dangerous the world was, so that he has no idea what risks he’s even taking here?

[“That’s true, but we won’t get anywhere if you are so tensed up.” Sam folded his arms, matching her stare.]

…and how does her being tense impede their ability to walk around looking for someone? Why is Sam wasting time with this presented as the rational one?

Relatedly, why are two trainers limited to walking around themselves instead of also using their pokemon to search?

[“What?” She rose back up, scratching her head. “Where did all the Victreebel go?”

“They were never real.” Sam dusted himself off while walking towards Agatha. “I only noticed it because they were unnaturally still, and thought it was worth a try.”

Agatha held a hand over her racing heart, scowling towards her rival. “You idiot. What if they were real?”

“Between starving to death and attempting to jump away, the second option definitely looks better.”]

Does Agatha have anything at all to offer here? He already beat her in a fight. She’s supposed to be skilled in her own right but all she’s doing is following after him. Plus, she’s the one hugely motivated to keep moving, so she makes more sense to order that they jump even if she’s not completely sure – it would take them ages to starve to death, so that really doesn’t make sense as a motive, but every second they waste is another chance for something terrible to happen to her brother.

[“It’s just some wild Pokémon.” She sighed in relief, relaxing again.

Sam didn’t relax, and instead squinted his eyes at them. “No, they aren’t, something looks off.”]

Oh come on. Seriously? You won’t allow her to notice anything?

[“Alright.” She clenched her fists, and then pointed onward. “Tony, let’s do it! Use Lick!”]

…and this is just weird.

I guess if she knows more about pokemon battles than her brother, she’d be able to give better advice. But assuming there’s any point to having humans shout orders, it seems a human turned pokemon should be better able to handle itself than a regular pokemon.

[ but it was what Tony wanted and she would respect his wishes.

“Alright, then.” She forced a smile while twisting the cap open. “Welcome to the team, Tony. We will become the best Ghost-type trainers in the world now.”

Tony chuckled as Agatha tapped over his form, and her brother was sucked inside. She just remained still as the customary shakes ensued, until the Poké Ball stopped moving.

As soon as the capture was complete, Agatha freed her brother and placed the Ball away.]

This, though, is nice to see. In so many fics, once someone goes in the pokeball they stay in.

Two, shared world.

Now on to Homestuck!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12222410/1/Trainerstuck

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[his Dad ]

It’s only capitalized when used in place of a name. Same thing is why you shouldn’t be capitalizing pokemon.

Giving the trainers Homestuck names doesn’t change the fact that kids waking up and getting their first pokemon is incredibly boring.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12315929/1/Lord-English-Feels-Something-Good

If you’re going to write weird porn, work harder at not sounding like a little kid.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12346083/1/Vantas-Noir

[The seventh largest city in Deresite was one of the most well fed, well sustained, and well educated cities there was. No, the high death toll was an effect of the professions a fair share of the population had.

Theft, smuggling and gambling were just a few occupations these people took, and most of them knew how to do their job quite well. It wasn’t for no reason that Schwartz-port was known as the second law’s city, or the city of the wicked law.

Philosophically speaking, a lot of these activities wasn’t seen as evil. Most deresic]

…Okay, so you seem to either have forgotten or never known that “Derse” is the original place with “Dersite” the term for things related to it and instead decided “Dersite” was the country’s name. Then you misspelled that, then used the misspelled word to try to make another word for things related to it. And with that in mind, really doesn’t seem likely this fic is going anywhere good.

Five for some reason. Possibly that it’s actually about the trolls.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12488222/1/All-Is-Fair

[The white slip of paper glared up at Sleuth from his desk, stark black words almost incomprehensible to him. A two week suspension? ]

I don’t really get why you’re going with him as a police detective instead of keeping his profession of private eye. It’s not like it gets in the way of him having money woes when money woes are how almost all hard-boiled detective novels open.

[“You know I was thinking about running for office, right?” she continued, “I ran into an old friend from highschool, she’s done that kind of thing before. Actually she’s… Well, that doesn’t matter I guess but she really thinks I can do it. And I just,” the sound of a car from her end, probably passing by wherever she was, “I want to do this. Sleuth, are you listening?”]

Similarly, I don’t know why you went with PM instead of WV here when WV’s the one who’s all about mayoring. If he’s already dating a guy, it makes it less of a jump for his mom to decide to set him up with a different guy.

[The man was built like a pale, freckled bus ]

Okay, so, Jack’s got dark skin, makes sense, but HB is super white? Both mob setups in general and the fact the canon gang are all from the same place with the same coloring would suggest they’d be the same ethnicity. And HB’s into Nubian robes, too.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10919280/1/Something-So-Small

Blocked, seven.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12583226/1/Wake-Up-Call

Blocked, zero.

5 Comments

  1. CrazyEd says:
    Your formatting is awful and you need to separate out paragraphs more.

    Farla Classic > Diet Farla

    “spooked” is not a valid dialogue tag.

    It’s basically the most valid dialogue tag in the history of dialogue.

     If you’ve done a halfway acceptable job your story should make it clear enough and if you haven’t, your story has issues well beyond anything you can patch with an author’s note.

    Farla Classic >> Diet Farla

    Ethan Psych has been proven mentally insane. His Pokémon team have been stored in a locker for when he gets out.

    I’m sure this won’t end poorly at all!

    Writing is more than grabbing words in the general ballpark of what you meant and shoving them into a pile.

    Farla Classic >>> Diet Farla

    Well, that sure is the end of any possibility of taking this seriously.

    Submitting an OC dressed like this. This photo was taken in 1922. Think it will be acceptable?

    The inconsistency of your capitalization is painful.

    Farla Classic >>>> Diet Farla

    Look, I get that you are super proud of yourself for writing those sentences, but you don’t need to repeat them over and over. 

    Guys, I don’t think I can go back to the usual pokereviews after this.

     I did my best to get myself lost when I was seven

    … Excuse me?

    Now on to Homestuck!

    Welp later I’m out see you in December.




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    1. I am shocked and a little proud that people now consider my reviews the “usual” ones.




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      1. CrazyEd says:
        Well, you do put out a batch of Pokemon fanfic reviews about once a week or so, and this is literally the first time I’ve ever actually seen Farla do it, so…

        Yeah, that’s way more usual than hers.




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        1. Ha! You new kids don’t remember the good old days. Farla used to put out a review post every day.




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  2. Act says:

    omg that 12-year-old porn one was hilarious




    0

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