Halloween Reviews

Boo.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10731189/1/Waking-The-Titan

[You stand your ground and call out your pokemon; a houndoom, a jolteon, and a feraligatr.]

Was this supposed to be a colon?

I’m not clear why Lugia doesn’t attempt to kill the trainer first, rather than starting off by murdering the pokemon it says it knows are innocent (especially when it could just knock them out – unless the idea is it’s powerful enough that any hit will kill a pokemon?). If it attempted to kill the trainer but the pokemon intercepted the attacks, that might make more sense. I’m also not sure why the trainer waited until their pokemon were dying to throw the masterball.

The basic set of events of trainer appears, Lugia explains why being caught would be terrible, Lugia says it won’t happen because it’s too strong to be beaten, woops masterball works, but the deaths in the middle seems gratuitous.

One review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10732940/1/Absol-s-Domaine-Book-One-The-Nightmares

This is far too short for a first chapter.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[the grass tipped earth field ]

Uh. As opposed to non-earth fields? It’s a lot more important to say what you’re trying to say than to try to sound clever.

[As the creature was close, Absol noticed that the eerie glow wasn’t a glow at all. It was blood. Blood that stained the teeth red and drizzled down out of the mouth into little scarlet puddles on the floor. ]

Except regardless of it being blood, it’s glowing in the dark, so, still a glow. I really don’t know what you were thinking here.

[He looked down, on his chest was a scar. In between his too paws, was a drawing. A little skull with cross bones, that said, “I will find you”,
and the message was made with the blood from his own scar.]

And that’s just much too ridiculous to find scary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10732940/2/Absol-s-Domaine-Book-One-The-Nightmares

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

A new speaker means a new paragraph.

Three.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10736137/1/Time-s-Lost

[“Well we were,” Zeph pouted, “’till you had to go and ruin the fun, Mom.”]

You seem to be getting dialogue mostly right but stuff like “pouted” isn’t a speech verb. Punctuation/capitalization treat it like the start of a separate sentence. [“Well we were.” Zeph pouted.]

[his Mom ]

Not capitalized.

[Zak was nowhere to be seen. Zeph had run, the wave drawing ever closer, his brother following along as fast as he could…
But Zeph had always run just a little faster.]

You do a good job of repetition and echos throughout this, and I really like how this one turned out.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10741623/1/For-Soon-We-ll-Away

Hm. You only refer to drifblim (sometimes misspelled driflim, watch out for that) but the pokemon that show up there, look like balloons and with the relevant pokedex entry are the previous form, drifloon. Drifblim isn’t even found at all in the wild in Sinnoh.

Also, you really shouldn’t be capitalizing the word pokemon.

The structure of this is nice, as is your writing itself. I kind of wish there was a more cohesive ending explaining where the kids go, but it’s probably eerier just ending as it does.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10744010/1/AbandonedEXE

Oh jesus christ no. This is not a chapter. If you want format your creepypasta as a series of short events, post them all in one document like a sane person.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10745139/1/Pokemon-CreepyPasta-Victor

[That means its the most populkar thing out of 812 deviations.  ]

This is undercut by the fact you couldn’t spell popular. Also, “its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

[He said he wanted one but couldn’t get his own copy of the game until his birthday, which by then, the Victini Wi-Fi event would have ended. ]

You mean “but by then”. Also, this is just generally a clunky mess. You don’t need to explain he wanted one, because it’s after you said the character’s trying to get him one and so it’s obvious.

[So I had promised I would get one for him and trade it to him when he had his own copy of the game. ]

Similarly this entire sentence is a waste of time.

Also, the setup generally doesn’t work – your character is trying to trade for a victini, which means they’re doing the same thing their boyfriend could do for himself, which in turn means there’s no real stake to it and it’s impossible to feel they really care much about their pokemon or feel any real loss in trading and replacing it.

[ My eyes wondered back over to his beaten up sprite, almost pitying the pixalized creature. Some horrible person must have hacked their game and made him look like that ]

And now we’re just going to the standard idiot cliches. The sprite always looks bloody. The character always says the word hacking to explain why they don’t realize something’s wrong.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[ I felt sick “Victor….My beloved Victor….This isn’t him!” I screamed at the DS.  ]

Right, because previously they had such a great bond.

Just once I’d like to see one of these where the player is actually happy that now they can talk to their supposedly beloved pokemon.

[It asked what I wanted in return for him “Crap crap crap…I don’t know…anything! Gotta get rid of it…” panicking, I selected a Patrat and Victor was sent off for Trade, text appearing as he left. ]

And I guess the idea here is that Victor’s been creeping out everyone to keep getting traded? And magic makes everyone trade him for the same pokemon.

I know you said you wrote this years ago but these tropes were crappy cliches even well before that, and also your grammar is absolutely awful. At least the ending had the character noping out rather than getting murdered, that’s different.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10747355/1/A-Fiery-Greed-Revised

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[The problem was the event was long gone, and the Wi-Fi for the game was shut down long ago.  ]

Okay, you just said the character had almost completed the pokedex in a mere month, but apparently there’s no trading available at all? I guess since they got an action replay “days” ago, they could’ve spent every spare second hacking and catching, but that’s still a lot of pokemon and why on earth would did they leave three of the more popular pokemon for last? What sort of person ranks catching a dunsparce over charmander, victini and darkrai?

[questioned Billy]

ASKED. You meant asked, so say it and save “questioned” for when you actually mean questioned.

[It had been about ten minutes since the bell went off, so all but my bus left. The bus driver was kind enough to wait until I showed up. ]

Seriously? How does that even work? Is he in a really nice elementary school where they give the bus driver an attendance list each day to make sure everybody gets on?

[I stepped out of the long yellow wagon with a smile. After waving goodbye to the bus driver, I placed my left foot on the gray pavement, then my right. As I took more and more steps up my concrete stairs, the yellow stallion took its leave to the next house. It seemed like the stairs would go on forever, even though the door was literally five inches away from my hand in about two seconds. ]

This is just painful.

[After reading for ten minutes on how to enter codes, I entered the code in. ]

…so apparently they haven’t used the action replay before? So how the hell did they almost finish the pokedex?

[ Then I saw what can’t be unseen. Blood was completely covering the walls, the furniture completely burned ]

It’s pixel blood.

Look, I realize creepypasta has a fine tradition of bloody pixels, but it’s supposed to be a bit of mildly creepy scene-setting, not sanity-rending payoff, because no handful of tiny overworld sprites are going to ever be worthy of “can’t be unseen” nonsense.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

[The most confusing was how in the world Victini knew my name. ]

That’s like wondering how any NPC does, it’s because you typed it in. If the character’s name is different from the one they gave the trainer, you have to say that first.

[Instead, he was more in an angered position. And two, his color… it was more darken. ]

Your grammar is terrible. Get a beta reader and generally try harder.

[I sent out my starter, who was Servine. The reason why he was not evolved was because I didn’t even beat the whole game yet. ]

So how the hell can they have a pokedex three pokemon short of completion?

A new speaker means a new paragraph.

[ “The device you got was a cheat” he responded to my surprise, “You of all people should know that cheating is for the greedy”. ]

God this is a stupid, stupid moral. It’s totally fine to get it if there’s a giveaway, but if giveaways are discontinued, it’s cheating and evil to trigger the same chunk of code yourself. What happens if you get an event item by trade with someone who cheated, do you still get this idiotic lecture?

And therefore everyone at school now shuns the kid, because that has to do with greed.

Zero. Also what the fuck is with videogame players and their Stockholmian support of the big companies’ hatred of cheating devices?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10748200/1/Tit-for-Tat

[We don’t know what he feels about Pokemon. What if I told you he hates them secretly? ]

I would think this is probably going to be OOC bullshit.

[It might sound crazy, but I’m being serious. I’ve been immortal from the start.]

And look, I’d be right.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Don’t center everything.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10749786/1/Ghost-Story

Hm. Well, it’s hardly the first story to use that ending, but I really liked what you wrote leading up to it.

[That she the only way she would be able to truly have friendship was to join them. ]

Think you dropped a word here, though.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10752002/1/Don-t-escape-from-your-destiny

Do a better job trolling next time.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10754835/1/Jessica-The-Creepypasta

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

[My brother was with me, and his own colourless Gameboy ((the see-through one that shows all of the funky machinery inside of it) had a copy of Pokémon Blue.]

Just spend the effort and put the information in the sentence. “My brother was with me, and his own Gameboy, which was the see-through one that shows all of the funky machinery inside of it” if you really want the description, “his own see-through Gameboy” if you don’t. Either way the bit about Pokemon Blue works better as its own sentence.

[no matter how many times my brother tried convincing me to evolve her into a Raichu (which was impossible in my game) by trading her to him to let him do it ]

Again, work the information into the sentence properly.

[“Jessica…”
…Where had I heard that name before? I couldn’t remember. I stuffed it back under my computer desk and left for school.
Things weren’t going very well; after my brother’s death, my mind was going wrong. I was soon hearing voices in my head and I was diagnosed with minor ‘Multiple Personality Disorder’.]

And this was doing so well, but no, we’re into the obligatory amnesia part of the creepypasta and the ignorance of what actual mental illness terms mean that is, sadly, fanfic at large.

Look, all you had to do was make the character mourn the loss of their pokemon and so name the new pikachu that showed up in their pokewalker Jessica again. There was no need to invoke memory loss and automatic writing.

And now it’s just a lot of melodrama and sprites talking and stuff.

Again, all you needed was for the character to remember Jessica in the first place, then be glad they’ve somehow gotten their pokemon back, rather than going on and on with the ridiculousness.

[I hope you read this and realize; to us, it may seem a game. But Jessica taught me that if you love a game too much, it becomes part of you, so much so that you can’t leave it behind.
I have never, ever restarted or broken a Pokémon game since. I am careful with all my games. I don’t want to upset anybody like Jessica ever again. I’m glad she was so forgiving and loving of me.
If she wasn’t… it could have ended so much worse.]

So the moral is don’t love games a lot or you might get pixel ghost murdered.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10756306/1/Pikachu-Really-Likes-Beautifly

[It does have a plot at least for being a really long drabble.  ]

A drabble is exactly a hundred words, so you can’t have a long drabble, just a short fic that isn’t a drabble.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10761471/1/Pokemon-Creepypasta-Insane-Silver

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized like one, so it should be “Mom”.

Spellcheck is not optional.

“Its” is possessive, “it’s” means “it is.”

[The gym leaders and trainers were scared so they didn’t battle at their best ]

How the hell would you be able to tell.

And so on with standard creepypasta “horror” nonsense, complete with the shockingly unshocking real world death ending.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10764708/1/Dark-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[The Water-type beside him nodded, as did the Fire-type. They could feel the power level that was coming towards them at a fast speed. Speed that none of them thought was possible. Zapper pulled his son close once the high power level reached them. They are looked up to see anther Pikachu floating in the air. ]

Okay, so this is just straight up DBZ but the characters are getting described as different pokemon. Stick it in crossovers.

[ few Pokepasta (my term for Pokémon Creepypasta) that I’ve had swim around my brain for awhile. A few Pokémon crossovers with a few different shows that I’m not going to tell you what as of yet. XD. And, as much as I hate it, a few Ponypata (my term for My Little Pony Creepypasta) ]

Also what the fuck is the point of using your stupid term then defining it for us so the whole affair takes even longer than if you’d just said it normally?

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10769165/1/The-Infected

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[There was a bullet embedded in the back of its head. ]

That’s not really how bullets generally work, and they’re small enough that this shouldn’t be obvious if it’s on the ground a meter or so away.

Also, eh. Human zombies you shoot with shotguns has what to do with pokemon?

One. Really, the higher powered the setting, the dumber WITH ZOMBIES is.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10777407/1/Lost

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[However, this was a special day, for it was Hallow’s Eve, more commonly known as the day before Halloween.  ]

. . .

Seriously. You look at Hallow’s Eve and Halloween and totally miss that they’re nearly the same word? All Hallow’s Eve takes place before All Hallows Day on November 1st, like how the day before Christmas Day is Christmas Eve, not Chris Eve.

[However, there was one ghost that never participated in this, having perished at the hands of a fright gone wrong. It only went to make sure its end wouldn’t accidentally happen to others. Nobody knew what pokemon he was, though. ]

How does anyone know this at all, and how, if they know it existed, did no one just look around to see which pokemon wasn’t pulling pranks?

[ unaware that he startled a Trevenant. This was the fabled “protector of the mortals.” However, what the child done to itseverely damaged its psyche, splitting it in two. ]

Really.

Look, you want a spooky story about the ghost tree pokemon murdering some kids, okay. Just say the kid cut it and it wanted revenge! Don’t waste time on how there’s this ghost that’s there to help out and then there was an accident and then the ghost goes temporarily insane and becomes murderous.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10779204/1/Dont-ever-make-a-umbreon-mad-creepypasta

Capitalize your title properly.

[He would always play the games but he put his team that he chose to battle elite four which so had brought him to being really tough and really mean to his team but as for me I care about my team I never truly let them go through hard training ]

This is awful, awful writing.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10781987/1/Ash-Ketchum-Capital-Punishment

[Hello there! Author here! Today, I’m-
Mew: It’s we. This fiction doesn’t have any Beta-readers, through.
Author: Yeah. Anyway, Latios, Lucario and the others we’re away to the market at the moment, so it’s only us here.
Mew: Another note; if Author did NOT write the beta-reader name on the starting chapter, that means that chapter is NOT beta-readed. I’ve read several people in the review telling that there are some ‘unworthy’ beta-readers for ‘Pokemon: The Sacred Fire’.
Author: It’s kinda infuriating … but thinking back, i think it’s my fault that didn’t place the note in the first place.
Mew: Let’s not forget that again. Anyway, for another note, Author did not own anything, except the concept of this ‘dark’ fiction.
Author: That’s right! I decided to put this fiction here to see how good am I in writing fiction without beta-readers help, aka, R&R.]
There’s a sickening number of mistakes in this opening alone, so to answer the question of how good you are without beta readers: you’re not.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10788210/1/themostfuckedupleomonevar

[Hey yall, I was drunk when I wrote this, but I was sober again when I proofread it Also my microsoft word decided to unregister itself and wont let me use it so I wrote this on notepad with no spellcheck or grammar check. ]

Unless you managed to get drunk again by the time you wrote this, your sober proofreading is clearly not worth the pixels used to tell me about it.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10789938/1/WGDitPC-Of-Spirits-and-Mansions

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

The really dull story of you hanging out with your characters who are “wacky” and “random” in precisely the same way as every other “wacky” and “random” character is not pokemon fanfic. You’d have an uphill battle even arguing it’s a story.

Two.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10790529/1/Tales-of-Terror-Mewtwo-and-the-Man

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Not sure what to make of this. I’m not clear why you even had Mewtwo as the main character, since it just opens up the plot hole of why he can’t use telepathy to talk and understand the human. (I do like that it’s a kid from Turkey.) And then…I guess the wax statues are all people Mew murdered? Really not clear why and how Mewtwo suddenly realizes that the time he saw his human friend capture him was actually not his human friend but someone else after we were told all of the others died. If you didn’t specify seeing the kid, I’d have gone with Mew trying to frame the kid and get Mewtwo out of the way by catching Mewtwo while his back was turned, since it seems she’s supposed to be the villain of the piece but as it is there’s no clear reason why.

[Market Meat were all donations from Pokemon who had willingly sold themselves up in exchange for providing for their families or, in some cases, were criminals being punished for their horrific and unforgivable transgressions. ]

Anyway, this is the only actual line of horror in this.

Zero. Also, still baffled, anyone else get it?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10791293/1/Advanced-Halloween

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

And actually use said instead of dancing around it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10792329/1/For-your-sake

Nine reviews.

Summary is: When checking the most popular story tonight. And text is:
Don’t count the words.

So, meta, I guess?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10793096/1/Snow-on-Mt-Silver-Frosted-Over

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons do not indicate sophisticated or intelligent writing, even when grammatically correct. Use sentence-connecting semicolons sparingly, judiciously, and only when the ideas in the clauses are inseparable. If you have a semicolon sitting between a pair of sentences because the sentences are kind of, sort of related, it just makes you look pretentious.

Well, it’s better written than the standard one where it’s a player, but trying to emulate the mangled sprites level of drama drags it back down to the same level. If his pokemon are in their pokeballs when they freeze, how could any of them be missing huge chunks?

It also just doesn’t make much sense when you try to view it logically – if he’s snowed in, it’s not that hideously cold. He can snuggle down in the pile with his pokemon and it’ll stop being so supernaturally freezing that it’s murdering pokemon through their pokeballs. Also, he’s still got his items. I get that he can’t use items on dead pokemon, but they should faint before they die and, let’s say for some reason they just aren’t, he could still use healing items on them before they get that far. As soon as he realizes the first one’s died, he should’ve started using potions on the rest. (This wouldn’t even get in the way of your story, since all you have to do is say that he runs out of them eventually.) There’s also no reason at all to keep going up. Gold isn’t a shark, he’s entirely capable of sitting down and waiting this out instead.

Really, what’d make the most sense is Gold going up, facing the cold and using items thinking he has this under control, then falling, waking up to find himself injured as if dead, and then, when fighting Red, seeing his pokemon have died as well.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10793326/1/Lacewood-Halloween-Prompts-Special

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

This really seems like it could be about any two people. Any setting, too – the few pokemon mentions are pretty irrelevant to the story.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10793428/1/The-Pain-of-Loss

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

Stop capitalizing random words.

[As he slowly walked in the direction of Ash, the fog slowly began to clear, and the sign, the sign that both baffled and unnerved young Ash Ketchum came into full view.
If he could read the words, his blood would have ran cold.
Welcome to
SILENT HILL]
Why exactly would that have freaked him out? Not only is it bad form to say the series exists in the same universe as the character stumbling into the place, but it’s not like Ash was into horror games anyway, so even if they existed he wouldn’t know of them himself.

Also, this really seems to have nothing to do with Ash and is just generic angsty dude who’s presumably the drunk driver who killed them.

Zero.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10794515/1/Jeff-s-pet-2

[ For one thing, cops in this world were a joke. Jeff could literally kill someone right in front of the force and not get noticed. ]

So this is going to be very boring you say.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks with thoughts.

[“At least i don’t eat the people i kill ]

This is honestly not much of anything to claim moral highground over. At least the person eating them is murdering for more reason than JUST CUZ LOLZZZZZ

Also your grammar is terrible and this belongs in crossovers.

One.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10067801/1/Isn-t-It-A-Lovely-Night


So. The first half of this is really powerful, but then it all goes to hell.

I really like what you did with Feferi here. With only Eridan as a friend, it’s easy to see how she’d find the idea of one day having a helmsman who’d be her friend/quadrantmate an incredibly appealing story as well as completely ignorant of how horrible this is. She’s desperately lonely and this was the one thing promised to her all along, so she just keeps clinging to the idea that eventually Aradia will come around because it just has to work that way. And I loved what you did with Aradia saying again and again that no, this is not forgivable and she will not accept it.

But then you have Aradia forgiving and accepting it, with a stopoff at apparently brainwashed Sollux who now thinks Eridan is so amazing and they’re in the happiest kismesis right now and it’s okay that Eridan has the power to torture or outright murder Sollux at will because right this moment Eridan doesn’t know it’s Sollux who’s screwing with his mail and as long as Eridan never works this out himself or speaks to anyone else or goes to any of those forums to mention his problem, nothing bad will happen. Also Aradia secretly loves the troll version of happy slave stories.

Maybe you meant for Feferi to be sympathetic for putting up with things like Aradia deleting her tumblr, since you have Aradia feeling bad, but as Aradia herself says, the helmsmen are locked out from ever being on any social media so how exactly can anyone feel sympathy for poor Feferi suffering one of the most minor of the many things she’s inflicted and is still inflicting on Aradia? Feferi doesn’t even seem all that ignorant of the fact Aradia’s

suffering – if she’d ignored Aradia’s searches for how to murder everyone on the basis she thought Aradia was just trying to play a prank and couldn’t possibly be unhappy, maybe I could see it, but no, her immediate response was

[CC: I shore hope you aren’t thinking of doing anyfin drastic! 38(

CC: The programming accounts for that! It would only hurt you for trying to damage the ship or crew.]

So she knows. She’s just assuming the programming will force Aradia to play nice, and eventually Araida will get tired of struggling. Which is pretty much what the resolution is.

And I guess you mean for it to be nice because look she’s concerned for Aradia, but this is exactly what Aradia claims to be waiting for later on when she says

[AA: y0uve seen the 0ther f0rums

AA: n0w

AA: c0nvince me that all the punishments are f0r my 0wn g00d

AA: tell me y0u want to be kind but i f0rce y0u t0 be cruel]

Feferi did that when she programmed Aradia to be unable to harm any of them and backed it up with agony for trying, and she confirmed her commitment to the model when she never did anything to fix that. She’s not nice for keeping the internet up no matter how many movies about helmsmen murdering their crews Aradia watches, because she says right from the start she doesn’t think she has anything to lose.

Feferi never does anything to atone for what she did, or even suggest she understands it was wrong. Hell, the part where she tries to find Sollux only happens while she’s using the fact she rewrote Aradia’s brain to have to obey her orders to make Aradia answer her questions, and she’s still not doing it because she cares about Aradia’s happiness, she just cares about making Aradia like her – because that’s all Feferi does this fic, never ask what she can do for Aradia or how she knows Aradia’s sad and wants to help but what does Aradia want in return for doing what Feferi wants. Letting Aradia talk to Sollux doesn’t mean much either because Feferi never had anything invested in keeping Aradia isolated – she was doing one thing thinking that’d make Aradia like her, then switches to another because apparently it’d make Aradia like her. Feferi has no interest in doing anything at all to mitigate the mutilation she’s committed, and the end is her insisting on reading the happy slave books to Aradia over Aradia’s objections, having been proven totally right about how slaves really are super happy having their limbs hacked off and minds carved up.

2 Comments

  1. Anonymous says:
    What do the bolded numbers at the end of some reviews mean?
    1. Farla says:
      How many reviews the fanfic got. One of the million problems these days is that people don’t even bother to review.

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