Enki fared quite well with their responses.

Edit: At Enki’s request, full messages will not be shown to preserve respondents’ privacy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881273/1/Ash-s-Ultimate-Quest-Rewrite

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

There’s clearly a good bit of angst here – I think Pikachu may have died, but what happened is not made too clear and I’m kind of confused. You also switch POV’s around a lot, which gave me a bit of whiplash. It’s a good idea to stick to one kind of narrative, being either first-person or third-person. Having the reader read “Ash did…” and then a minute later “I did…” is a little confusing as well.

When setting the scene, it’s best to describe how a character is feeling than to say it in a short blurb and then expand on it. You can phrase “Excitement! The only thing I feel at the current vacation friends and I are about to take” as something like “Ash/I gripped the handle of the rusted metal doorknob, an ecstatic grin taking form on his/my features as he/I thought about all the exciting things he/[“my friends and I,” cut out the redundant bit about friends after if using first-person] and his friends would be doing. They had been through a lot lately (the deadly events of Mewtwo’s kidnapping coming to mind) and a vacation was long overdue.”

You give us a description of what the different kinds of communication are used and how they’re displayed, like telepathy being in italics and internal thought being underlined, but most of the time you don’t really need a lot more than just italics and quotation marks to let the reader know what’s being said and how. Author notes are best done in the beginning and the end; they’re pretty jarring when in the middle of the story in my experience. If you are using telepathy, maybe combine italics and quotation marks – something is being said to someone, but it’s also being used in a manner that a lot of people recognize as thought-speech.

You can mix environmental features alongside the feeling of excitement and maybe even give a cool bit of exposition describing recent events – Mewtwo in this case – in relation to why the character(s) in question are doing what they are doing.

You said as much already, but your grammar could use some work. Which is why I’m here – to help! Your tense agreement matches for the most part, but you slip occasionally, like in the end where you put “Misty seems to notice…” or “Ash smiles…” instead of “seemed to have noticed” or “smiled.”

This phrase seems off to me. I don’t know why it’s here and it’s worded sub-optimally: “The two’s conversations started to bore me beyond the expectations my mother have of me to meet my father.” For one, it should be “my mother has of me,” as the subject here is the singular mother, but the phrase as a whole seems odd. Has he not met his father before? That’s a common thread in fanfiction, because we never have actually seen a father in the show, but wouldn’t a kid be super excited to meet his father -– for the first time or otherwise?

With Misty and Brock, you have them looking at a sort of structure, but we don’t know what it looks like or how they got to the structure or who they’ve been talking to up until that point. Scenic detail is very important and can be used to paint a really interesting scene – “The glowing sky overhead burned with the gentle light of dusk as Misty and Brock walked through the streets together. A variety of shops had taken up most of the space along the side of the thin road beside the even thinner sidewalk that the two tread over. In the dim light of the streetlamps, a few shops could be seen still advertising pokemon goods and one of the larger ones held a large sign out in front depicting a candy encased tightly in blue wrapping. But it was the storefront opposite of it that caught their attention – in the window there was… [insert description of the weirdly created structure.]”

That’s just one way of doing it. Writing is so wonderfully varied and allows for an infinite number of combinations for a setting for you to describe. You can think up something familiar or something new and exotic – or combine the two, even. Even a regular old street with plain looking stores can have something cool and weird, like that structure you were talking about. Maybe they could meet the shop owner or your character Lorenzo, who would tell them a bit about its history and why it’s related to the plot.

Your introduction of Lorenzo could have been done a little better, I feel. You could have someone else call his name or have him introduce himself, but without some indicator that he is named Lorenzo, nobody would know to call him that and after doing so, there’s no need to say “–now known as Lorenzo’s” when you have Brock shake his hand.

Overall, there are a few things that need to be reworked, and what’s going on isn’t always clear, like when you use a word by itself: (“Pleasant!,” Ash grinned at the older man’s reaction…”) You can use a speech verb to better describe what is being said and how for one rather than grinned. Believe me, I know that it looks like it should be able to be used, but there are more effective uses of a word than an action verb as opposed to a speech verb like “shouted” or “whispered.” You can have him grin in the following sentence. As for the phrase itself, I’ll be honest – I don’t actually know what or why it’s being said. Why is it pleasant? What made Ash say that? Being smacked around by an irate friend of his isn’t my idea of a fun time.

Finally, at the very end, Ash is given two pokemon. Why? He even feels guilty at some comparison – Team Rocket maybe? Keep in mind that pokemon for the most part at least have shown to have at the very least some degree of sentience – maybe being randomly handed to some stranger after their trainer lost a match isn’t the best of things to do and is a lot closer to the nefarious Team Rocket’s ideals than anything. I got a clear sense of loss from Ash, which is an interesting “grip—” it makes me want to know more, either how Ash is feeling or the full circumstance behind the object of his loss – probably Pikachu’s – death. As this is what Ash calls that specific pikachu, it should be capitalized, but a random trainer’s articuno doesn’t necessarily need to be capitalized unless that is its name – it helps us understand who’s being talked about and all that.

Good luck with writing the rest of it! I hope my words helped you in some way.

This author said the review was helpful, and gave it a “10/10”.

The next review was a request from someone who read a previous review and liked it:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12869435/1/Lumiose-to-Melemele-A-Different-Trial

. You’ve got a good handle on grammar for the most part and I could feel the flow of the story along with your characterization of Professor Kukui especially.

As always, I’m just hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

There is one typo in “focussed” instead of “focused.”

“A Pikachu” instead of “A pikachu” – pokemon only receive capitalized words when they are being addressed as their personal pronoun. It’s an easy enough thing to slip up on as the games’ and anime’s default is calling them by their species name, but that’s precisely why you need to separate the two. Otherwise “The Spearow in the trees took off” and “Spearow took off” would be confusing if there’s a trainer’s spearow who is called Spearow, for example.

I don’t know why you included AlolaSport1 or what exactly it is—I assume it’s his avatar or username, but I don’t feel that there’s enough justification for its existence here. It feels like a random detail added to include more details, but feels out of place. Each detail needs to or can advance the plot in some way. Had Cynthia looked on the screen and seen AlolaSport1 as live, and it had been explained that it was his username, she could use it as an excuse to call him and talk about plot-furthering events concerning Ash and co.

“Sand Stream” not “Sand stream.” Keep up with that uniform capitalization for pokemon moves.

In the battle of Tyranitaur vs Pikachu, you use moves both capitalized and non-capitalized. For example, “The Tyranitaur tried to crunch a suspended Pikachu.” Now, crunching something is an action beyond strictly being a pokemon move, but it’s obvious that it’s a reference to the move Crunch; people typically don’t use the word crunch that way in most phrases. In that sentence, as you are referring to them as their species names and not as their personal pronouns – how their trainer might call them that is – and as such they need to be in lowercase.

I really like how you explain (or refresh people’s memory if this was explained in the anime) how trainers must wait two minutes before substituting a pokemon. The little details like that add structure to the battle as a whole and allow for added tension, as Ash cannot just immediately switch out for a better match versus the weavile.

“Both sides even…” instead of “Both sides are even…”

A bit of scenic detail for Cynthia’s villa might help the reader picture the place better. You could also fit exposition in there as for why you are having Cynthia’s POV and not merely a continued Kukui’s in that bit of exposition.

“He needs to be strict occasionally with his pokemon” is worded sub-optimally I think. I understand the point you’re trying to make, but something like remembering how another of his pokemon came out at a potentially opportune moment like: “A flash of white betrayed the unexpected arrival of a purple-winged pokemon. Cynthia recalled another time when one of his pokemon – a spritely oshawott – had pulled a similar move on him and sighed. He would really need to learn to curb their rash impulses if he wanted to win. Only the most well-trained of teams made it out with the gold medal held in hand.”

Why isn’t there a polite way of Oak transferring mentorship rights to her, a champion? I feel as though Professor Oak would be delighted to know that Ash was getting one-on-one advice from someone whose attention would not need to be split between as many people as he sees as a professor – a champion no less.

Cynthia’s internal dialogue could do with a rework. The sentence: “I would have been able to help him work… not being capable of being in any champions’ leagues.” Especially. I think that bit would be better served as multiple sentences. As it is now, there are commas where there should be periods and the start of a new sentence. Avoid too much complexity whenever possible and run-offs especially. I feel as though she might be referring to Paul’s attitude when she thinks about how she hadn’t thought of pokemon in “THAT WAY” for years – as she and Ash met around Paul if memory serves, it might be the perfect opportunity to give the reader a more in-depth dive into Cynthia’s past as a trainer, how she might have once felt as Paul does now and how that affected her personal journey to become a champion. It could also be an unnecessary distraction, so you’d need to fiddle around with that one.

You compare strong pokemon to Ash by referring to her earlier statement that he needed to choose both strong pokemon AND raise them with love and affection, but I don’t see how that has to do with a pokemon’s ability to fight well beyond depending on raw power. Technical skills, like dodging an attack come from practice, not affection. I think this is leading to a plot point, which is why Cynthia might be thinking it – maybe the reason for Ash’s starting over in Alola – but I think that you related something uncorrelated with a pokemon’s ability to fight well beyond relying on raw strength here.

When you compare the charizard and pikachu as being “champion level”, it gets confusing. You call both champion level pokemon and then refer to each as such and I had to go back and re-read in order to get a clearer idea of what was going on.

Overall, I feel as though your internal dialogue and scenic detail need the most work. Your characterization of Kukui and his specific interest in the moves performed and how they might be further researched is particularly engaging. This might be too late as this is merely the first chapter, but you would need to figure out a way of being respectful to Pikachu’s wishes to remain unevolved and being an un-cruel trainer. Forcing a sentient being into another form that it does not wish to be in is not compatible with being a loving and affectionate trainer, in my opinion. You asked me to go over this, so I’m sorry that I can’t do more. If I did an in-depth critique of the story as a whole, I might miss specific details that would have needed to be addressed and I simply don’t have the time to go over each chapter as thoroughly as I did this one. Hopefully you can extrapolate the details from this review and apply it to the whole.

And that’s it! I hope it helps!

Author thanked Enki for the review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880855/1/Soleil-Academy-Dawn

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

Isn’t Eterna City in Sinnoh, not Kalos? You might want to edit your description of the story to fit that. I use serebii dot net for my various canon-related needs: the pokearth section might be particularly useful here.

Your first sentence could do with a rework, I feel. Instead of saying that the afternoon had to be the dullest part in the day alongside the bit about fifth period, why not focus on what makes it the dullest part of the day instead? That way you can help the reader feel the flow of the story, how the protagonist is feeling, all that – a story needs to be immersive. Something I notice in the story is that you switch POVs around without any warning at all and it’s rather jarring. Stick to one from the beginning or make it clear that there is a POV shift with enough exposition in between to make it worth the switch.

For the first sentence, maybe try something like:

“The dry heat of the afternoon sun addled Shu’s already bored and hazy brain and the vision of the chalkboard in front of him– a compendium of the different types of pokemon adaptations – flickered in and out of existence. Fifth period had never been his favorite to begin with and listening to his sensei’s droning about the various situations in which beautifly were more fit for their environment than their cousins – the species of winged moth pokemon, dustox – only served to further the exhaustion of his tired brain. A quick glance at the clock reminded him that he still had hours left before he could leave the school grounds. Maybe, his clouded brain supposed, time would be better served asleep…”

You could then have him wake up to being hit in the back of the head, but never randomly use details that only a POV would have – such as in the case for Shu’s sensei and a second later to Shu himself then later with his bully. A character beyond the POV of the protagonist of the time does not know what another person is thinking, the exception being through the use of telepathic powers. A character can *suppose* that another character is thinking something by the way they are acting, but never state something that the protagonist would not know for fact with absolute certainty.

I would phrase the bit about him not seeing what was on the billboard with a bit more explanation. What is on the board now as opposed to what was on before he slept? Scenic detail can be used really effectively and you can have a blast writing some cool details in. Remember that every detail has to serve the plot in some way, even if it’s a really minor one. Maybe what’s on the board now can come up later, for example, in a pokemon battle or be the reason why Shu and his team lost one (assuming that there are battles in this fic. There might not be and that would also be really cool to see incorporated, like why he might not be able to track a certain pokemon to study if he wants to be a professor.)

The word “gotta” does not need to be spelled “’gotta.” The mark is unnecessary as the word “gotta” is understood by now to mean “got to,” a slang variant of “have to.” It would be better served behind the word “Ay” when Shu addressed Natsuki.

The sentence “Natsuki asked, ‘How are we going to do that.’” needs to be “How are we going to do that,” Natsuki asked or simply “How are we going to do that?” If it is understood that it is Natsuki there is no need to state that it is a question, but never end a question in a period. The words “how, what, when, where, why…” almost always herald a question when the sentence begins with them.

Again, never switch POVs randomly. Don’t say “Fukaze felt something splat against the side of his head…” say “Shu reached down to pluck one of his pearly-white weapons from its cartridge, aiming at the back of Fukaze’s head. Soon, eggshells were flying through the air and his target’s hair was coated in a filmy yellow broth as the yolk of each of Shu’s makeshift projectiles broke free of its brittle shell.”

You have a sentence fragment with the sentence “As if he had one day woken up in the middle of the desert.”

Lastly, in the end, you switch POVs suddenly with letting the reader know what Fukaze is planning – something Shu would never be able to tell unless the traumatic events of being stuck in a room with a volatile television unlocked some latent gift for psychic powers, in which you would need to describe that as well. Working with other people’s OCs can be more trouble than it’s worth – each character needs to serve the plot of the story and if you can’t *make* them fit, then you’re working a puzzle with pieces that don’t fit. I really like the idea of there being more variation in lieu of jobs being explored – your story description makes it sound like there might be different paths than the usual trainer route explored. I’d be interested to see how a scientist or a professor or a musician would interact with the pokemon world.

Author thanked Enki for the review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881840/1/La-Beauté-à-L-intérieur-de-Toi-The-Beauty-Inside-You (two chapters, second posted a day after the first)

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

The beginning to every story is perhaps the most important part. If it’s not done well enough, then a potential reader might choose to not give the rest of it a chance – even if the other 99% is phenomenal. You start out with the sentence: “A large party was currently going on in the castle, where nearly everyone was invited. There were plenty of events to do. But the main thing people came here to do was to watch Prince Ash battle.” While this gets the message across, we don’t know what the castle looks like or why his battles are so interesting. Within a bit of exposition, you can do even more than just that – maybe even give the reader a bit of what the overarching plot is, for instance. One example of this might be:

“Ketchum Manor was – as anyone in all of Kalos would be quick to say – the most beautiful castle in the region. Its tall marble spires cast long shadows into the verdant gardens below, where wild floette would frolic with guests of the chateau’s lord. But it was what lay inside – beyond hallways of gleaming gold and silver, goblets of fine wine, lords and ladies dressed in their firmly pressed suits and great flowing ballgowns –and inside the massive atrium in the heart of the castle that called to the hearts of the people of the region. It was in the shape of a large circle and had been fashioned into the likeness of an arena. There, the prince himself would battle those he deemed worthy of his mighty pikachu’s thunderbolts.

Lord Ketchum had faced many challengers in his time – from elegant delphox to regal pyroar whose fiery breath attacks had set the dining tables ablaze on more than one occasion. No matter who he fought, the result was always the same: his opponent would leave the gleaming castle disgraced, mere proof for the roaring crowds that he, Ash Ketchum, was greatest trainer of the Kalos region. But not once had Ash allowed a pokemon he thought uncomely even as far as the entrance to Ketchum Manor. If someone were to approach with a lowly garbador, they would be cast out long before witnessing the splendor inside, the ridicule of the prince and his guards the only souvenir of a long journey to the lord’s castle spent in vain.”

See how the scenic detail paints a vivid image for your readers to picture the events unfolding in? You can also “show and not tell” that he is cruel by the way he treats his challengers – as mere fodder for his fame and glory – and by how he refuses the attendance of certain pokemon. You say that he does not like pokemon he thinks as “ugly,” but we never see this in action. I feel as though it would be better served – perhaps even more closely by having a challenger approach with a less graceful pokemon such as garbador – and when he is refused, Ash’s hubris would act as the trigger for Arceus’ judgment rather than a petty action made after losing a battle.

This statement needs to be expanded upon, I feel: “Arceus finally decided that enough was enough. He wanted to teach this boy a lesson. And he knew how.” As it is, we see a stranger challenge him with an ultra beast, but we never see evidence that it might be Arceus in disguise or an envoy of his or why this person has come to teach him a lesson.

You “tell” more than you “show,” I think. It’s an easy thing to do, but “showing” what happens is so much more rewarding. Instead of having the action be described mostly by the names of the attacks being used, why not explain what it looks like – how the shiny floors might be made murky with the sludge from Nihilego’s Toxic attack or blinding flashes of electricity arcing through the air as Pikachu attacks with a Thunder Punch. Ash and his servants’ transformation could be particularly interesting to see as it occurs. Why is it that those pokemon were chosen? Who among the crowd were transformed and why?

Lastly, your word choices could be made more effectively I think. Phrases like “The referee began to announce” are better served for when someone is about to be interrupted. Simply “announced” works better. It will be interesting to see Ash’s transformation from his inner beastliness to someone who has atoned for his past mistakes. There are also a lot of clever things that can be done with adaptations to stories like this one like by perhaps having the other servants resemble pokemon who resemble the objects from Beauty and the Beast. Litwick comes to mind for the character “Lumiere.”

Anyway, that’s all on my end. Hope it helps!

Author said thanks, but that they don’t plan on taking this story seriously. Enki politely suggested they improve it anyway, and they said they “will consider it for their future stories”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882289/1/Of-Allergy-Medication-and-Paperwork

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

The idea of a pokemon fanfic whose main gimmick is the lack of pokemon-centricity is really, really interesting to me. There are so many stories about trainers wanting to be the champion, but very few which cover the lives of those who don’t surround themselves with pokemon – they exist in the games, too, if you stop to talk to enough NPCs.

I think that the biggest flaws here are the lack of scenic details and the lack of background. We know *how* the protagonist feels about her friends, just not *why.* Except for Julian. He seems like a bit of an ass, yes, by the way he says “All the stupid people are not gonna take it next year. They either won’t be in a high enough math class or leaving to train pokemon.”

As for the rest of her friends, who are they? How do they directly or indirectly make her feel inferior or not as smart? If it is intentional, why is she still friends with them?

This phrase: “Terrified of bug pokemon, allergic to most pokemon with fur. Flying type pokemon required a tenacity that she wasn’t ready for. Dark, psychic, and ghost would cause her parents to flip if she ever tried to train one.” needs to start with a complete sentence. Sometimes sentence fragments are useful for added impact, but I don’t feel that this is one of those cases. When or if you do use sentence fragments, use them sparingly. What is it about bug pokemon that terrifies her and why don’t her parents like dark, psychic, or ghost pokemon? With a bit more exposition you can add some really neat details in and around the protagonist and the people she surrounds herself with. For example:

“It wasn’t as though she were allergic to *every* species of pokemon – just most of them. Anything with fur, that is. While all her friends had been fawning over the litter of poochyena next door, she had been doing her best not to asphyxiate. It’s not that she didn’t *want* to be a trainer, it was that her allergies to anything remotely furry made it impossible to be a good one. She didn’t think it would be fair to a pokemon if she couldn’t give it proper advice during a match against an opposing trainer because she was too busy sneezing to pay attention to the battlefield. The few pokemon that didn’t bring the constant threat of an allergic reaction weren’t exactly what she wanted to be traveling with, either. The many eyes of bug types and the poison they often used made her shiver and flying types were too energetic for her to keep up with – you had to be pretty fit in order to catch up to something with wings, after all.

As for some of the other types of pokemon, her parents were extremely superstitious. The first birthday present she could remember was a cleansing tag designed to keep evil spirits away. Bringing a ghost type or a dark type into the house might well get her disowned for all she knew about her parents’ tolerance of the occult. As much as Elena hated to admit it, being a pokemon trainer just wasn’t in the cards for her.”

With exposition, you can give the reader a better idea of who Elena is and where she comes from. You can include some instances where she’s been with friends that might have made her feel insecure or inadequate perhaps if you want to go that route or explain why they are still valuable to her despite how the envy she feels for them.

Again, exposition is a major boon. The sentence “The internship. Where you got to travel the region.” can be better explained if you want to keep the sentence fragment for an emphasis put on the statement. Otherwise, the reader might not know why it’s there and just assume that it’s an error. Something like this would show *how* it’s being said, not just *what:*

“The internship,” Julian said – a touch exasperatedly, Elena thought. “You know, the one where you get to travel the region.”

You can split up a sentence like that effectively with speech modifiers like “shouted” or “whispered” or whatever else fits at the time – “exasperatedly” for example.

This sentence needs a rework: “Mrs. Madrid, my neighbor, her Budew, needs exercise, and I need experience with handling grass types.” It has too many commas and not enough periods and/or semicolons to break it up. Also remember to keep pokemon species names in lowercase if they aren’t being used as a personal pronoun. The cool thing is that you have a lot of options about how you want to go about doing it. You can even choose not to use a period if you use the right mixture of hyphens.

Example one: “It’s Mrs. Madrin,” Elena explained, “She’s my neighbor – remember? Her budew needs exercise and I need experience with handling grass types.”

Example two: “Mrs. Madrin – my neighbor, that is– her budew needs exercise and I need help with handling grass types.”

Example three: “It’s Mrs. Madrin,” Elena explained, “She’s my neighbor; her budew needs exercise and I need experience with handling grass types.” (I recommend using one of the other two. Periods are often used more effectively than a semicolon)

The bit from “It wasn’t even on something sensible or smart!” to “She had the brains to make it there.” Needs to be one paragraph. I can see that you might be using white space for emphasis, but there’s no need for it here and it’s better served in one paragraph as opposed to spread out over 15 tiny paragraphs. You also use single word or phrase sentences as opposed to fleshing out what is being said or meant, like “100 mph.” or “Distance.” Or “The internship.” The words “Distance. The intership.” can be used with italics to mean that this is exactly what Elena is thinking to herself and can also therefore be spiced up with more exposition.

For example: “*Distance,* Elena reminded herself. That might be just what she needed to get over Julian. *The Internship. Focus.* All she needed was to qualify for it and then her new pokemon-and-Julian free life could begin.”

You say at the beginning that she thinks that she is dumb or that others do at least and then at the end have Elena think: “She had the brains to make it there.” Is she just insecure? What does she really think of herself? What made her think that she might not be as smart as some of her other friends? If she’s studying to be an engineer, that takes a good deal of smarts.

Lastly, you have a tendency to narrate in a way that shows the train-of-thought way that we can think in sometimes, but writing isn’t typically a sprawl of what’s being thought. You have to explain what is being said, why it’s being said, how it’s being said, and be able to explain how it furthers the plot of the story in some way. You break from past tense as well a few times, so just make sure that everything outside of dialogue stays in past-tense. I’d be really interested to see how Elena makes it in a world and its corresponding cultures so predominately focused on pokemon— and especially on training, as that’s what the games focus on. It’s a rather unique take on things.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I hope it helps you in some way!

Author’s response was overwhelmingly positive and appreciative. They were extremely glad to receive the review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881938/1/Pokemon-Champion-Sedna

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

I feel as though a bit more background in the beginning would do really well here. Why is Ash challenging her exactly? I know there’s the obvious “Because she’s the champion!” answer, but if it wouldn’t even be for the championship title, that should be examined more closely. He just lost his tournament match in Kalos; perhaps a win against a bonafide champion would restore his spirits or perhaps a damaged pride? You describe the means to get there, but I think that the journey to the base of the mountain from the start of the boat would be better if you are going to include that detail. Otherwise it’s just extraneous information – we don’t need to know *how* he’s there so much as *why.*

This sentence could do with a rework: “Her loyalty was with her Pokemon and if that meant staying several thousands of feet above the common ground, she was perfectly fine with that.” What does her loyalty to her pokemon have to do with being several thousand feet above sea level? Does one of her pokemon (or more) have a condition that makes it harder to live in areas of lower elevation? Also the phrase “common ground” refers more to an intangible concept like “relatability.” Ground by itself would work better.

Why and how was the drive to get to Nebula Mountain so strong with Ash? It’s a lot easier to simply state something, but it’s almost always better to *show it.* For example, instead of saying “The drive to get to Nebula Mountain was quite strong with Ash,” say something more akin to “Ash’s view of Nebula Mountain’s peak was obstructed by a thin wave of clouds and for a moment to him, it seemed insurmountable. But Ash had been through too much – lost too much – to give up now. The image of [description of the end of the last battle in the Kalos league] flashed before his eyes and he turned his cap to the side. Beside him, Pikachu gave him a nod of grim determination. The loss of the Kalos League still stung and the two of them shared the almost-desperate determination to reclaim their fallen pride. They had lost to [name of person he lost to], but they would not lose against Sedna. Nothing would stand in their way, even if it meant having to conquer the mountain first.”

This is a sentence fragment: “Most likely a volcanic island although he couldn’t be sure from his position.” It’s obvious what he is referring to, but unless you are using something that implies exact thought, your sentences should be whole with the rare exceptions where sentence fragments are used for added impact. Those sentences are typically short however and should be used sparingly to preserve that added “impact” effect that fragments are used for. Also, why was it likely a volcanic island? You talk about a mountain just before, not the place he’s at as a whole, so that’s also a little confusing.

I would remove this sentence altogether: “He had no idea what was waiting for him at the very top of this mountain… if, he made it there.” If he had no idea what was waiting for him, why was he there at all? Isn’t he there to face Sedna? If you’re talking about no idea what kind of trainer Sedna is, say that instead. Ambiguity is the enemy.

I’m unfamiliar with this phrase, but it could be that I haven’t heard it before or that it’s more commonly heard where you’re at: “balled fist in gritted fuel.” The word “fuel” makes me think of other things, typically not used in that way. Just “grit” I think works better, in which case you would use “with grit.”

For some reason, pokemon in the anime speak in fragments of their name. I get why you put this here – and Ash probably understands the intended message – but the reader does not have the background of having lived in the pokemon world and its various poke-speeches, so phrases like ‘”Pika-Pika!” Pikachu agreed” are a tad confusing. We know THAT he agreed, we just have no idea what he said that made it an agreement. Body language works better for various things if you don’t want to do a complicated translation after every bit of poke-speech, or explain through Ash’s POV how he understands what is being said.

You switch from Ash’s POV to Sedna’s with no warning at all and it’s a little jarring. I personally would recommend not using Sedna’s POV at all – this is Ash’s story, or at least from the beginning. If you do want Sedna to play a more active role, then make it clear that there is a POV switch to and back from Sedna’s POV.

This sentence goes on a bit too long with unnecessary detail: “Only the sound of water dripping through the cave made noise followed by various distant pokemon cries due to the large amount of cave pokemon that find housing inside her large cave.” The “due to…” bit is redundant. We know that she is probably in a place where wild pokemon are – the explanation for their existence only detracts from the scenic details: “Only the sound of water echoing through the sleek walls of the cavern and the distant cries of wild pokemon made any sound.”

Explain “how” and “why,” not so much as “what.” Avoid phrases that begin akin to: “The reason for this is because…” Exposition is not train-of-thought. The people writing stories tend to think in that manner of “Why did I do that? Oh yeah, it was to…” but exposition is not train-of-thought.

“whos dark iron red hair” needs a rework. You have a spelling error so just tack on the “e” after “whos.” But also, what is “dark iron red hair?” I typically think of the color grey when I think of iron. Maybe rusted iron for red, but not “dark iron.”

I think this needs a bit of a rework as well: “At her side, was a Mawile. It was her, Mawile. From the beginning of her adventure following her finale in the Sinnoh League, losing to Cynthia in the League, Sedna then traveled to the Kalos Region to further develop her skills as a trainer.” The second sentence is a sentence fragment – I think you meant for it to be connected to the third sentence and it got cut off somehow. As it is, it looks like a redundant phrase that ends up being confusing. The comma in the first sentence is unnecessary. I can’t really go over all the rules over comma use here, but I’m sure almighty google has the answers for you.

When you said that she defeated all of her opponents fairly, it makes me ask myself why it wouldn’t have been “fairly.” Unless there’s some serious corruption going on in the League that the reader knows about, try to avoid modifications like that. I think the point was to have the reader understand that Sedna is honorable, but if that’s the case, use a little bit more exposition and explain that instead of tacking on a modifier that typically doesn’t make sense for it to be there. The assumption is that she defeated them fair and square.

This kind of formatting gets used a lot here. Too much, in my opinion. We get that he’s going to Kuiper chamber from the first time you used this kind of formatting. I personally don’t think it should be used even once, but if you want to keep it for stylistic purposed, don’t OD on it; if you want to make it sound cooler, describe it in a cool way. White space can be used more effectively than:

“Not in the slightest. Even as he appeared, after climbing the one hundred stairs that lead up to her chamber…

Kuiper Chamber, some six thousand feet above the surface of the planet.”

The comma in “Even as he appeared,” is unnecessary.

You have it stated that lights come over where Sedna is and then say that Ash can’t see her due to glare and illumination and then a paragraph later describe that he could see after lights came on above him. That’s not how the human eye works. If lights are above Sedna, then he can see her even if there’s a total void of light source coming from near him. If anything, the lights coming on nearby him would blind him more.

Why was there energy missing in Sedna’s body? I honestly thought that she was sickly when I read that and was waiting for something like “I’m up here because I can’t take surface germs” or something. It’s an unnerving detail as it indicates that there’s something wrong with her. That, coupled with that we know she is a voluntary recluse, made me think that she was sick.

What are “blight tights?” The word blight is associated with illness and decay typically.

Unless in dialogue, avoid phrases like “She was more or less dressed for the occasion.” As it stands, if she’s at the top of a mountain, a thick winter coat and some insulated pants-wear would be more appropriate. You don’t really need to be winning any fashion shows if you are only there to have battles against other trainers at or near the top of what is probably a very cold mountain. Six thousand steps up means that the chill factor’s going to be pretty dang nasty. To that effect, adding that into the battle or an explanation for how Ash and Pikachu dealt with the frost might be cool to see.

In the battle, describe in detail and avoid information that the person whose POV the story is currently following would not know, such as the intentions of an opposing trainer: “Unfortunately for Ash, however, Sedna wasn’t going to just let him attack. She had a counteract of her own which would likely surprise Ash and his friends… if they were here.” Also, why would she think his friends were there?

On a similar vein, describe what was special about Sedna’s having “something about her collected attitude.” Was it intimidating, for example?

In the phrase “than Infernape wasn’t long for this world” make sure to use “then” instead of “than.” The word “then” is used to propel a sequence of events while the word “than” is used to compare. The phrase itself is a little ominous, but I have heard it be used for falling asleep as opposed to dying. Regardless, he is in the midst of battle, which only serves to make it look like he’s possibly going to die.

What was the purpose of this phrase: “There, Infernape began freefalling towards the Glaceon that stared up. Not at Infernape, however…
At Sedna.”
I don’t see any combat advantages for taking your eyes off of your opponent. At this point it seems a bit like you’re using this phrase just so you could do the “[blurb before] …

Sedna/Kuiper Chamber” bit that happens a lot here.

Phrases like “In a large flash of light and sound” are perfect opportunities to add more flair and describe what kind of light and sound, like “In the quick flash of a bright red light and the familiar popping sound of a pokemon being released from its capsule.”

When talking about Ash’s old butterfree, you make a new paragraph halfway in. The two paragraphs need to be reattached. Also, when referring to pokemon’s species name, always use lowercase when not speaking about a pokemon whose personal pronoun is also their species name. As Ash was referring to “his old butterfree” and not “Butterfree, my old butterfree,” it needs to be in lowercase.

Instead of “hell like attack” attack, use “hellish” instead. Hell is a place, not necessarily a description. “It was hell” is used as a common phrase, yes, but I think that “hellish” works better here.

Avoid all caps statements outside of dialogue when someone is yelling or if referring to a sign or something made in all-caps. If you are describing something made in all-caps, make sure that it’s clear that the sign or whatever is being read is actually in all-caps or describe that it’s in all-caps if that’s easier. (Sometimes a sign can have sections that are not in all-caps, which might be a case in which stating what and how it is read verbatim might be more useful: “Welcome to Joe’s Shack, home of ALL the stuff!”

Be careful with word choice. Instead of “The magnet of wanting to win this” try something to do with “magnetic” or use a different word altogether. As it stands now, I really don’t understand what’s being said.

I think you overuse going to a new paragraph to say one thing too much but this was used effectively I think:
“Not yet…
Not yet…
Now!”

It’s all down to style – you could explain her concentrated state, but that also works if you want the reader to be a bit more involved in the exposition.

To summarize, be careful with word choice, avoid unnecessarily making a new paragraph, give a bit more explanation for why things are being done or for background details, and explain what’s going on as opposed to stating what’s going on. This story was almost over 9,000 (words)! With a bit of editing and added detail, you can really make Vegeta proud of its power level. Let me know if you have questions or anything; I’m here to help.

So this is probably the most interesting example: This author blocked St Elmo’s Fire, but gave an appreciative response to this review. They say they appreciated that Enki could give criticism without “sounding rude”. Enki went on to suggest they edit the current story, but has received no further response.

None of the authors reviewed have blocked Enki at the time of this writing.

So, no negative responses, though there were still a few authors who just didn’t seem to care. Unfortunately, the apples to oranges nature of the reviews means the conclusions we can draw are limited: the vast majority of negative responses Farla and I get are in response to grammar, which Enki did not cover consistently. The most notable example is the last one, who blocked St Elmo’s Fire but reacted positively to this; however, they don’t seem to have edited the story, meaning the review was still ultimately unsuccessful. It sure would be nice if we had more reviews done by more people to see if any hard trends percolate out.