So, in the interests of data, someone decided they’d review for a while nicely. While there were originally plans to try to match our standard reviews as closely as possible, that didn’t really pan out, but it’s still useful in a broader sense.

Also it shows that either this level of politeness is safe or people are just way chiller these days, because so far they’ve had zero screaming at them! So if you ever wanted to hand out crit but were holding off because of that, now might be a good time to jump in.

March 25th (1):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880485/1/Pokemon-Gijinka-Memories-of-Nobody (has updated)

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

I like your description of the sunset. I find that you can work some really cool – even cooler – imagery in by going into more depth with what kind of colors are being painted on the canvas-sky though, like “soft, gleaming puffs of peach-colored clouds wafted in front of the blazing glow of the setting sun. The sky grew darker with each passing cloud and soon the subdued brilliance of sunset faded into the dull tones of nighttime.”

In the beginning, you have a boy watch his sister solve problems, but we don’t know what kind of scribbles are on the book or page or what kind of problems they are, like a philosophical word-oriented dilemma or numerical equations that might belong in a math assignment. Something like simply describing the title of the book might give us a better idea of what we’re – or rather what she’s – looking at.

There’s definitely some friction in the family dynamic, that’s for sure. You mention Torin’s not having a job, which helps spur on his decision to try for the league I’m sure – but his mother seems like she has a point. Torin might be acting a tad over-reactively in his criticism of his mother; his sister does need to eat after all, even though her mother cannot spend quality time with her while at work. This is addressed, but I feel as though there might be some deeper underlying concern that Torin is worried about. If he truly wishes for someone to spend time with his sister, maybe signing up to travel far away isn’t the best way of going about it.

You use “the older boy” to reference Torin, but I think just “Torin” works better once you’ve addressed that he is the elder child and that his name is Torin. It helps the reader understand things better and clears up any confusion in case there’s another person around who might fit Torin’s physical description but doesn’t have Torin’s name.

[“That might as well be illegal!” Talya retorted]
Why might it as well be illegal? Maybe “impossible” would fit better here. Or “suicide,” considering that this is based off of a nuzlocke…

When Torin asks his sister, “you don’t wanna be like me do you? Don’t you want to go to college?” we can infer that he might not have been to college though he wanted to, but we were never given any such cues or indicators beforehand, so it’s a little confusing.

You also have Torin scowl in contempt upon seeing the houses around his that are notably more affluent. Maybe contempt is the wrong emotion here – envy or bitterness at life perhaps, but unless the owners of those houses had something to do with their current lot in life, I don’t see why he should hold them in contempt.

You use “The raven haired boy” to describe Torin twice in quick succession. I get using it the first time to show the reader that he has raven colored hair, but the second time is redundant.

Lastly, why is it that everyone else is richer? Is it something to do with their social status or some stroke of bad luck? You mention in your title that this is a Gajinka story, which I think means humanoid pokemon. I’m not sure whether or not the protagonist’s family is human or a pokemon gajinka or how pokemon gajinka fit into society. Anyhow, keep on trucking! There’s no reason that this can’t work out and be everything you want out of it if you put the right amount of elbow grease into it. It’s shaping up to be a solid start.

March 26th (2):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881273/1/Ash-s-Ultimate-Quest-Rewrite (hasn’t updated)

There’s clearly a good bit of angst here – I think Pikachu may have died, but what happened is not made too clear and I’m kind of confused. You also switch POV’s around a lot, which gave me a bit of whiplash. It’s a good idea to stick to one kind of narrative, being either first-person or third-person. Having the reader read “Ash did…” and then a minute later “I did…” is a little confusing as well.

When setting the scene, it’s best to describe how a character is feeling than to say it in a short blurb and then expand on it. You can phrase “Excitement! The only thing I feel at the current vacation friends and I are about to take” as something like “Ash/I gripped the handle of the rusted metal doorknob, an ecstatic grin taking form on his/my features as he/I thought about all the exciting things he/[“my friends and I,” cut out the redundant bit about friends after if using first-person] and his friends would be doing. They had been through a lot lately (the deadly events of Mewtwo’s kidnapping coming to mind) and a vacation was long overdue.”

You give us a description of what the different kinds of communication are used and how they’re displayed, like telepathy being in italics and internal thought being underlined, but most of the time you don’t really need a lot more than just italics and quotation marks to let the reader know what’s being said and how. Author notes are best done in the beginning and the end; they’re pretty jarring when in the middle of the story in my experience. If you are using telepathy, maybe combine italics and quotation marks – something is being said to someone, but it’s also being used in a manner that a lot of people recognize as thought-speech.

You can mix environmental features alongside the feeling of excitement and maybe even give a cool bit of exposition describing recent events – Mewtwo in this case – in relation to why the character(s) in question are doing what they are doing.

You said as much already, but your grammar could use some work. Which is why I’m here – to help! Your tense agreement matches for the most part, but you slip occasionally, like in the end where you put “Misty seems to notice…” or “Ash smiles…” instead of “seemed to have noticed” or “smiled.”

This phrase seems off to me. I don’t know why it’s here and it’s worded sub-optimally: “The two’s conversations started to bore me beyond the expectations my mother have of me to meet my father.” For one, it should be “my mother has of me,” as the subject here is the singular mother, but the phrase as a whole seems odd. Has he not met his father before? That’s a common thread in fanfiction, because we never have actually seen a father in the show, but wouldn’t a kid be super excited to meet his father -– for the first time or otherwise?

With Misty and Brock, you have them looking at a sort of structure, but we don’t know what it looks like or how they got to the structure or who they’ve been talking to up until that point. Scenic detail is very important and can be used to paint a really interesting scene – “The glowing sky overhead burned with the gentle light of dusk as Misty and Brock walked through the streets together. A variety of shops had taken up most of the space along the side of the thin road beside the even thinner sidewalk that the two tread over. In the dim light of the streetlamps, a few shops could be seen still advertising pokemon goods and one of the larger ones held a large sign out in front depicting a candy encased tightly in blue wrapping. But it was the storefront opposite of it that caught their attention – in the window there was… [insert description of the weirdly created structure.]”

That’s just one way of doing it. Writing is so wonderfully varied and allows for an infinite number of combinations for a setting for you to describe. You can think up something familiar or something new and exotic – or combine the two, even. Even a regular old street with plain looking stores can have something cool and weird, like that structure you were talking about. Maybe they could meet the shop owner or your character Lorenzo, who would tell them a bit about its history and why it’s related to the plot.

Your introduction of Lorenzo could have been done a little better, I feel. You could have someone else call his name or have him introduce himself, but without some indicator that he is named Lorenzo, nobody would know to call him that and after doing so, there’s no need to say “–now known as Lorenzo’s” when you have Brock shake his hand.

Overall, there are a few things that need to be reworked, and what’s going on isn’t always clear, like when you use a word by itself: (“Pleasant!,” Ash grinned at the older man’s reaction…”) You can use a speech verb to better describe what is being said and how for one rather than grinned. Believe me, I know that it looks like it should be able to be used, but there are more effective uses of a word than an action verb as opposed to a speech verb like “shouted” or “whispered.” You can have him grin in the following sentence. As for the phrase itself, I’ll be honest – I don’t actually know what or why it’s being said. Why is it pleasant? What made Ash say that? Being smacked around by an irate friend of his isn’t my idea of a fun time.

Finally, at the very end, Ash is given two pokemon. Why? He even feels guilty at some comparison – Team Rocket maybe? Keep in mind that pokemon for the most part at least have shown to have at the very least some degree of sentience – maybe being randomly handed to some stranger after their trainer lost a match isn’t the best of things to do and is a lot closer to the nefarious Team Rocket’s ideals than anything. I got a clear sense of loss from Ash, which is an interesting “grip—” it makes me want to know more, either how Ash is feeling or the full circumstance behind the object of his loss – probably Pikachu’s – death. As this is what Ash calls that specific pikachu, it should be capitalized, but a random trainer’s articuno doesn’t necessarily need to be capitalized unless that is its name – it helps us understand who’s being talked about and all that.

Good luck with writing the rest of it! I hope my words helped you in some way.

At this point, someone else asks for a review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12869435/1/Lumiose-to-Melemele-A-Different-Trial (has updated)

Hey! I’m here as I promised I would be. I can’t do the full story, sadly, as that would take up too much time and I feel as though a more focused approach is necessary for this fic. You’ve got a good handle on grammar for the most part and I could feel the flow of the story along with your characterization of Professor Kukui especially.

As always, I’m just hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation or flames. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

There is one typo in “focussed” instead of “focused.”

“A Pikachu” instead of “A pikachu” – pokemon only receive capitalized words when they are being addressed as their personal pronoun. It’s an easy enough thing to slip up on as the games’ and anime’s default is calling them by their species name, but that’s precisely why you need to separate the two. Otherwise “The Spearow in the trees took off” and “Spearow took off” would be confusing if there’s a trainer’s spearow who is called Spearow, for example.

I don’t know why you included AlolaSport1 or what exactly it is—I assume it’s his avatar or username, but I don’t feel that there’s enough justification for its existence here. It feels like a random detail added to include more details, but feels out of place. Each detail needs to or can advance the plot in some way. Had Cynthia looked on the screen and seen AlolaSport1 as live, and it had been explained that it was his username, she could use it as an excuse to call him and talk about plot-furthering events concerning Ash and co.

“Sand Stream” not “Sand stream.” Keep up with that uniform capitalization for pokemon moves.

In the battle of Tyranitaur vs Pikachu, you use moves both capitalized and non-capitalized. For example, “The Tyranitaur tried to crunch a suspended Pikachu.” Now, crunching something is an action beyond strictly being a pokemon move, but it’s obvious that it’s a reference to the move Crunch; people typically don’t use the word crunch that way in most phrases. In that sentence, as you are referring to them as their species names and not as their personal pronouns – how their trainer might call them that is – and as such they need to be in lowercase.

I really like how you explain (or refresh people’s memory if this was explained in the anime) how trainers must wait two minutes before substituting a pokemon. The little details like that add structure to the battle as a whole and allow for added tension, as Ash cannot just immediately switch out for a better match versus the weavile.

“Both sides even…” instead of “Both sides are even…”

A bit of scenic detail for Cynthia’s villa might help the reader picture the place better. You could also fit exposition in there as for why you are having Cynthia’s POV and not merely a continued Kukui’s in that bit of exposition.

“He needs to be strict occasionally with his pokemon” is worded sub-optimally I think. I understand the point you’re trying to make, but something like remembering how another of his pokemon came out at a potentially opportune moment like: “A flash of white betrayed the unexpected arrival of a purple-winged pokemon. Cynthia recalled another time when one of his pokemon – a spritely oshawott – had pulled a similar move on him and sighed. He would really need to learn to curb their rash impulses if he wanted to win. Only the most well-trained of teams made it out with the gold medal held in hand.”

Why isn’t there a polite way of Oak transferring mentorship rights to her, a champion? I feel as though Professor Oak would be delighted to know that Ash was getting one-on-one advice from someone whose attention would not need to be split between as many people as he sees as a professor – a champion no less.

Cynthia’s internal dialogue could do with a rework. The sentence: “I would have been able to help him work… not being capable of being in any champions’ leagues.” Especially. I think that bit would be better served as multiple sentences. As it is now, there are commas where there should be periods and the start of a new sentence. Avoid too much complexity whenever possible and run-offs especially. I feel as though she might be referring to Paul’s attitude when she thinks about how she hadn’t thought of pokemon in “THAT WAY” for years – as she and Ash met around Paul if memory serves, it might be the perfect opportunity to give the reader a more in-depth dive into Cynthia’s past as a trainer, how she might have once felt as Paul does now and how that affected her personal journey to become a champion. It could also be an unnecessary distraction, so you’d need to fiddle around with that one.

You compare strong pokemon to Ash by referring to her earlier statement that he needed to choose both strong pokemon AND raise them with love and affection, but I don’t see how that has to do with a pokemon’s ability to fight well beyond depending on raw power. Technical skills, like dodging an attack come from practice, not affection. I think this is leading to a plot point, which is why Cynthia might be thinking it – maybe the reason for Ash’s starting over in Alola – but I think that you related something uncorrelated with a pokemon’s ability to fight well beyond relying on raw strength here.

When you compare the charizard and pikachu as being “champion level”, it gets confusing. You call both champion level pokemon and then refer to each as such and I had to go back and re-read in order to get a clearer idea of what was going on.

Overall, I feel as though your internal dialogue and scenic detail need the most work. Your characterization of Kukui and his specific interest in the moves performed and how they might be further researched is particularly engaging. This might be too late as this is merely the first chapter, but you would need to figure out a way of being respectful to Pikachu’s wishes to remain unevolved and being an un-cruel trainer. Forcing a sentient being into another form that it does not wish to be in is not compatible with being a loving and affectionate trainer, in my opinion. You asked me to go over this, so I’m sorry that I can’t do more. If I did an in-depth critique of the story as a whole, I might miss specific details that would have needed to be addressed and I simply don’t have the time to go over each chapter as thoroughly as I did this one. Hopefully you can extrapolate the details from this review and apply it to the whole.

And that’s it! I hope it helps!

March 27th (6):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881499/1/Family-of-Broken-Souls (has not updated)

Hey! I’m doing a round of reviews around the site, hoping to help give people constructive criticism instead of just vague appreciation. If anything comes off as harsh, I promise that I’m not intending to be. I’m just trying to help us all get better by giving advice and maybe learn something in the process. Feel free to disagree with some of my misinterpretations and don’t be afraid to let me know why!

You have your character say in the beginning that she didn’t see the attack coming, that she wanted a normal life and family as if she should have expected the attack to have happened at the hands of the thorn bush. But by the way it’s described it sounds like that was the first attack, the one that alerted her to its presence in the first place. You also start with saying that the world had been nothing but cruel to her, but at the time she was just an innocent seven year old – such a line is better served at the end rather than repeated twice, once at the beginning, before the events that led to such a pessimistic outlook on life could have happened.

Instead of “it didn’t even happen slowly,” I would put it in a more this-is-what-happened kind of pace as opposed to -this-is-what-didn’t-happen. Like: “The pain was sudden and startling; where just moments before there had been a cool lake breeze and the distant quacking of psyduck, there was now a prickling sensation that got worse and worse until I heard myself screaming. The pain was unbearable.”

I definitely get the sensation of a darker themed story here, but I want to actually feel the events that led to the protagonist’s being jaded rather than their being explained. You do this at some points, like describing the thorns or the sword, but even those could do with a bit more vivid detail. I don’t know why she hates her parents so much; there’s a lot of rich background that could really drive home that point, but I feel as though it’s undeserved as it is now. How was she bullied? Why did the hallucinations stop for a while at school? Why couldn’t her parents just have a friend look after her or have one of them work while the other stays home to watch her? If there was neglect involved – even benign neglect from not knowing how to relate to their child – then I could really understand an intense negative emotion from the protagonist directed towards her family.

The phrase “Whatever lies that had told the authorities, had for some reason, convinced them more than my truth” needs to be revised I feel. Lies don’t tell people things, people do – bullies do. Maybe you could embellish it further with explaining why the authorities didn’t believe the protagonist – maybe people thought she was making it up for attention or something (a possible reason to hate parents even, who couldn’t deal with their child actually going through pain so they said that she must be making it up?) and the people who harassed her were more likely to be trusted even though she told the truth.

Why did your protagonist choose to stay inside for three years? Was she forced to or was it on purpose – if so, then I’d want to see the thought process behind three years of cabin fever vs risking another painful attack. There’s a lot of angst that can be worked in here if you describe the emotion while the event is going on in more detail: “I was scratching out an answer to my math test when it happened. I hadn’t been able to study as much as I had hoped to – even the slightest scratch from the sharpened point of a pencil could drive needles of white-hot agony tearing through my skin and I often found myself fearing the paper and the papercut that could follow more than I did the unsolved problems written in ink upon it. My eraser had already been rubbed raw and I had to resort to scribbling over my attempts at a passing grade – another scribble. *Another* wrong answer– when Angel tapped me on my arm in that gentlest of ways, firm but too soft to trigger any sort of reaction. I knew I had to leave.”

Lastly, why switch tenses? It’s a little disorienting if you use one tense for the first chapter and another for the rest of the story. You can get everything you need to get done with one of them, so a uniform approach might be best. I think that there’s a lot of potential for a gritter kind of story here, maybe with Angel learning how to stifle the illness of sorts as she gets stronger, or maybe even siphon it to others if you want to go that route. Anyhow, let me know if you want any clarifications on what I said or any further questions. Ciao!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880796/1/The-Legend-of-Kaida-Laurence-Volume-1-Inheritance-Pokemon-Edition (deleted but the original non-Pokemon-edition kept being updated)

You say in your second line that no amount of training would prepare your protagonist for meeting her father, but we don’t know why, exactly. I think that by showing how the character feels as opposed to saying something outright would work better. You also want to avoid using overly used adages and such – if it’s a dark and stormy night, then you can find some cool and unique way of saying so yourself, possibly with letting the reader know what the environment looks like in addition to giving the reader an idea of what 6 years from the future protagonist is comparing herself to:

“I found myself pacing underneath the leaking roof belonging to a small grey cottage that nestled precariously atop the rocky alcoves that overlooked the roiling seas of Goldenrod City. Above, a crash of thunder broke loose and through the cracks overhead I could make out a flash of blazing light before the world went dark again. I remembered a night like this, though it had been much colder and I had been much younger. Another crash of thunder roared overhead and I tried to use the suddenness of the sound, the tremors of the table to shake my thoughts loose from their reverie, but it was no use. The memories would come, whether I willed them to or not. That was the night that everything changed. That was the night I met my father.” [Roll into flashback sequence of events]

You use the word “ice rain” when it should be “icy rain” unless it is actually ice in which then the word would be “hail.”

Avoid sentence fragments like when you say “Hurt like the pins and needles you get when you jump in a hot bath after being out in the snow.” Occasionally, they can be used for emphasis, but in such cases the sentences are typically very short and are used sparingly.

You mention that Sa’lu is the protagonist’s instructor a few lines after first introducing her, but until then the reader has no idea who she is or why she is there – I assumed that she was the instructor, but such ambiguity you typically want to avoid.

You use another sentence fragment when you say that the protagonist felt her muscles when she was doing the exercise with Sa’lu. Maybe something like: “I forced the quick pounding of my heartbeat into a slower pace; through the fabric of my soaked skin-tight leotard, I could feel every single one of the muscles in my small body tense up.”

When you say that Sa’lu was livid, either use a semicolon or a new sentence. Personally, I think a new sentence works best. Short sentences can have a lot of impact.

How did it feel like Sa’lu was controlling the storm? What happened? That’s the kind of stuff I want to *feel* rather than be told about.

You use the phrase “kicked around like a horse.” Are there horses in this fic? Some fanfictions have animals coexist alongside their more exotic pokemon counterparts, but if this isn’t the case, then you might need to revise the phrase or modify it to fit the lingo of your world. There are horse-like pokemon – you could use one of their species names as a replacement. Just remember that when using the species name of a pokemon and not if it’s their personal pronoun – like what their trainer might call them – then it’s always in lowercase. You capitalize the charmeleon despite his name being Jasper. If he encountered a trainer whose name for his charmeleon was simply the default for how these things go – Charmeleon, things would be bound to get confusing, wouldn’t they?

You use another sentence fragment when speaking of the blisters on her foot.

When describing the protagonist, maybe independent could be switched with “stubborn” or “free-willed.” It’s very apparent what the message is there, but a twelve-year-old in the middle of a strange place with a storm outside does not appear the picture of independence to me. She’ll probably get there, but it sounds like she needs to live and grow before she’s truly independent.

I would have it be more apparent that Andrea is heading to a specific door – her friend’s – when she runs away from the scene with her teacher and father. It’s a little vague at first and I wondered if the two shared a room before I re-read it more carefully.

There’s a really abrupt switch from Lance giving her the gift to ‘this man’ (her father? As it’s right after Lance, a male who also trains, it’s a little disorienting) training her.

Lastly, perhaps instead of using the word “solemn” when she blows Lance’s whistle, it could simply be “lonely.” That way the readers could interpret that “lonely” is how she is feeling without having to state it out loud unnecessarily. Instead of x many “sleeps” I would use “nights.”

I enjoyed your use of a dialogue modifier by when Sa’lu “purred” instead of “said.” It helped me get an idea of how to think of Sa’lu and how or what she might have thought of the protagonist at that moment despite not having much interaction with that character yet. This is one of the more unique stories I’ve encountered thus far, deviating from the typical trainer path to become the champion. But I want to dissuade asking for IRL cash at the end of your chapters; it can be kind of off-putting as the writers here write for free.

This one disappeared shortly afterward. For context, the story ended with “Like my writing? Buy me a $3 Ko-fi and help towards getting it getting it professionally edited! :)” and that “Pokemon Edition” is because she was already writing on Fictionpress and decided to call her character’s powers “dragon-type” and rename the dad to Lance to post it over here.

Why was it deleted? Well, it could be that someone wanting strangers to pay to help get their story for-real published is offended by the idea there’s anything a pleb could tell them about writing. It could be that the only point of a ~!~Pokemon Edition~!~ was to try to get money out of fandom, and when this was their only review they gave up on it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880855/1/Soleil-Academy-Dawn (not updated)

Isn’t Eterna City in Sinnoh, not Kalos? You might want to edit your description of the story to fit that. I use serebii dot net for my various canon-related needs: the pokearth section might be particularly useful here.

Your first sentence could do with a rework, I feel. Instead of saying that the afternoon had to be the dullest part in the day alongside the bit about fifth period, why not focus on what makes it the dullest part of the day instead? That way you can help the reader feel the flow of the story, how the protagonist is feeling, all that – a story needs to be immersive. Something I notice in the story is that you switch POVs around without any warning at all and it’s rather jarring. Stick to one from the beginning or make it clear that there is a POV shift with enough exposition in between to make it worth the switch.

For the first sentence, maybe try something like:

“The dry heat of the afternoon sun addled Shu’s already bored and hazy brain and the vision of the chalkboard in front of him– a compendium of the different types of pokemon adaptations – flickered in and out of existence. Fifth period had never been his favorite to begin with and listening to his sensei’s droning about the various situations in which beautifly were more fit for their environment than their cousins – the species of winged moth pokemon, dustox – only served to further the exhaustion of his tired brain. A quick glance at the clock reminded him that he still had hours left before he could leave the school grounds. Maybe, his clouded brain supposed, time would be better served asleep…”

You could then have him wake up to being hit in the back of the head, but never randomly use details that only a POV would have – such as in the case for Shu’s sensei and a second later to Shu himself then later with his bully. A character beyond the POV of the protagonist of the time does not know what another person is thinking, the exception being through the use of telepathic powers. A character can *suppose* that another character is thinking something by the way they are acting, but never state something that the protagonist would not know for fact with absolute certainty.

I would phrase the bit about him not seeing what was on the billboard with a bit more explanation. What is on the board now as opposed to what was on before he slept? Scenic detail can be used really effectively and you can have a blast writing some cool details in. Remember that every detail has to serve the plot in some way, even if it’s a really minor one. Maybe what’s on the board now can come up later, for example, in a pokemon battle or be the reason why Shu and his team lost one (assuming that there are battles in this fic. There might not be and that would also be really cool to see incorporated, like why he might not be able to track a certain pokemon to study if he wants to be a professor.)

The word “gotta” does not need to be spelled “’gotta.” The mark is unnecessary as the word “gotta” is understood by now to mean “got to,” a slang variant of “have to.” It would be better served behind the word “Ay” when Shu addressed Natsuki.

The sentence “Natsuki asked, ‘How are we going to do that.’” needs to be “How are we going to do that,” Natsuki asked or simply “How are we going to do that?” If it is understood that it is Natsuki there is no need to state that it is a question, but never end a question in a period. The words “how, what, when, where, why…” almost always herald a question when the sentence begins with them.

Again, never switch POVs randomly. Don’t say “Fukaze felt something splat against the side of his head…” say “Shu reached down to pluck one of his pearly-white weapons from its cartridge, aiming at the back of Fukaze’s head. Soon, eggshells were flying through the air and his target’s hair was coated in a filmy yellow broth as the yolk of each of Shu’s makeshift projectiles broke free of its brittle shell.”

You have a sentence fragment with the sentence “As if he had one day woken up in the middle of the desert.”

Lastly, in the end, you switch POVs suddenly with letting the reader know what Fukaze is planning – something Shu would never be able to tell unless the traumatic events of being stuck in a room with a volatile television unlocked some latent gift for psychic powers, in which you would need to describe that as well. Working with other people’s OCs can be more trouble than it’s worth – each character needs to serve the plot of the story and if you can’t *make* them fit, then you’re working a puzzle with pieces that don’t fit. I really like the idea of there being more variation in lieu of jobs being explored – your story description makes it sound like there might be different paths than the usual trainer route explored. I’d be interested to see how a scientist or a professor or a musician would interact with the pokemon world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12880985/1/The-Silent-Protagonist (not updated)

I see that you are using an OOC Ash with “flamboyance” being a running gag here. Why not just insert an OC and have his past explained that he was bullied or poked fun of for that character trait – not that anyone should ever be treated poorly for any such quality to them. A character is more than just what they’ve been through; if you want to use a diverse cast of friends and rich backstory like Ash’s it might make more sense to just create a new cast and make a new history for them all as the story goes on.

A ralts can be a gallade or a gardevoir as I’m sure you know already – most tend to go the dawn stone route for males, so I can see you using that as the typical path for most ralts. It would be pretty cruel of Professor Oak to give someone a pokemon as the punchline of a joke rather than a carefully chosen choice that would fit Ash’s personality. Remember to show rather than tell what’s happening and let the reader infer what to make of it. I’ll edit the first paragraph to give you one example. Remember that there is an infinite number of ways that this can be done:

“Ash felt as though he were being the punchline of some joke – again. Pallet Town was what some might call a more conservative place and some of his behaviors – like his tendency to wear makeup for example – had earned him some ridicule over the years. He had learned to curb most of his “girly” habits by the time he reached his fifteenth birthday, but the reputation had stuck. Amidst the snickering crowd assembled, a small and inquisitive ralts poked its green head out from underneath a chair to look at its surroundings. It was a male, Ash was told amongst muted laughter.”

In the second paragraph, where Professor Oak is talking, there are way too many commas where there need to be either semicolons or periods. It looks like one giant run-on sentence right now. In the sentence where Professor Oak fake-coughs to hide his laugh, there doesn’t need to be a period there. Thoughts separated by a hyphen work; the period should be removed. Also, why does Professor Oak laugh after telling Ash to prove to Gary that girls are just as capable as guys? It looks like Professor Oak is either making a dig at Ash or Gary or females on a global scale – which would not be cool, especially as he is a professor. As it stands, no female has even been brought into the story up until this point, just Ash, Oak, and a male ralts.

A tendency you seem to have is to use commas where someone would take a breath. While commas are used to give the reader a bit of space, there are rules to when they should be used and when something else like a period and the start of a new sentence should be used. Grammar can get pretty complicated sometimes, but it’s worth looking into so that your readers don’t get confused.

I would edit this sentence: “Oh yeah, you have that weird magnetism thing with pokemon, it’s so weird when you do it, most of every single pokemon I’ve ever seen you interact with, even some wild nidokings, have been completely calm and comfortable in your company, although Rhydons still hate you.”

Try this: “Oh yeah,” Gary said. “You have that weird magnetism thing with pokemon, don’t you? It’s so weird when you do it – almost every single pokemon I’ve ever seen you interact with has been completely calm and comfortable in your company – even wild nidoking. Although,” he added as an afterthought, “Wild rhydon still hate you.”

This way, you not only leave the reader with a better understanding of what’s being said, but you can also spruce it up with vocal details like Gary’s adding something in an afterthought or if for some reason he wanted to shout or whisper something. When referring to a multiple of the same species of pokemon you use lowercase as they are not personal pronouns and you don’t use the typical “s” to indicate plural form.

Never use in dialogue a divide like “mood/atmosphere.” Either pick one or say both. You really need to pay attention to when to use commas versus starting a new sentence as well. I see a lot of that pop up here.

Keep up with verb tense: you said Ash “doubts it” when it should be “Ash doubted it.”

Overall, the story feels rushed. Not in the normal manner that certain things need to be fleshed out more – though I do think some added detail would work nicely – but the flow of dialogue and the way you misuse commas gives the sensation that things are moving way too fast. It might help to just take a deep breath and slow down, describe the scenery, describe what behaviors Ash exhibits that earned him ridicule (though again, I don’t see why people should ridicule flamboyance), and how he feels. Don’t just state what happens, *show it.*

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881143/1/i-need-help-with-a-poll

As this isn’t a story, just an advertisement for a poll, it has no place taking up a slot for where stories go. If people are interested in the poll, they will go to your profile and answer it. I recommend a pre-existing story of yours to advertise it, perhaps at the beginning or end, but not here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882216/1/The-Road-Less-Traveled (not updated)

I like the distortion upon the norm of the Joy family tradition of them all being nurses. That kind of conflict can cause a lot of really interesting drama – societal, familial, etc. You start the story out with dialogue, but I feel as though a bit of exposition would work better. Explain *why* she does not wish to perpetuate the same old mold. I really want to feel her anguish over the decision to leave, the guilt over deciding to run away, the thought process that made her think that running away was necessary.

You use the phrase: “How? She didn’t know, yet.” Asking a question in a format that isn’t clearly internal or external deliberation should be avoided. Instead, you can use it as an opportunity to really go deep into the internal turmoil, the indecision, the fear of what might be out there beyond what is expected of her and what is out there that might be able to harm her, especially in the absence of familial support. The pokemon world is a dangerous place and I’m not even sure how much money she has on her. By the way she was talking about hair dye being expensive, I’m guessing not much. How will she pay for her unorthodox adventure of sorts?

Here’s one possible example of how you could turn a phrase like that into a really cool bit of internal conflict alongside further exposition: “Caring for pokemon had been a Joy family tradition for as long as anybody could remember. The name “Joy” had been associated with healers for centuries; as far as anyone knew it seemed to be the destiny of anyone born with pink hair to take the mantle of healing wounded pokemon upon themselves. Vivian prodded one of the oran berries in her oatmeal contemplatively. Everyone else in her family had gone through the motions: they had gone to nursing school, received their diploma, and were quickly shuttled off to some understaffed city or village that needed someone to take care of their injured pokemon – all without complaint. So why was it that the thought of standing behind a counter, placing pokeballs inside of a machine for hours on end made her skin crawl? She longed for something else – the only problem being… she didn’t quite know *what* exactly that thing was.”

You say “Concern was evident in everything from her voice to her posture.” I think it would be more effective to describe the concern through her body language, but not state that her mother is concerned outright – there is power to subtlety. If the reader realizes for his/herself that someone in anxious, it makes a bigger impact than simply being told that someone is anxious. For example:

“Honey?” She looked up to see her mother fingering the grooved skin of a sitrus berry fruit. Her eyes were scrunched together and she had stopped smiling. “I know it’s a big step to take, but do remember that the girls there are your family. They’ll take care of you. Is there something wrong,” she asked hesitantly. “Did you want something else to eat?”

I find that the right combination of commas and hyphens can do wonders. This is me being a bit nit-picky, but I think that you could revise the sentence: “Then she pulled Vivian into a long gentle hug the bittersweet kind where you want to hold on to the moment forever but you have to let go.”

Maybe: “Then she pulled Vivian into a long gentle hug – the bittersweet kind where you want to hold on to the moment forever – but you know that you have to let go at some point sooner or later.”

Lastly, you paraphrase events that I think could be big emotional moments – dyeing her pink hair, the symbol of being a member of the Joy family, the color black could be hugely symbolic and an opportunity to show Vivian’s conflict, her relief, her letting go of her family’s legacy. Make sure to say “dyeing” instead of “dying.” In the long list of confusing English language distinctions, that definitely has to make the list.

The story ends with her wondering over whether or not she should challenge the gym; does she intend to be a trainer? What other goals might she be pursuing with her newfound freedom? You had Vivian say at the beginning that she didn’t quite know how to forge her own path. Seeing her find that path will be an interesting journey.

March 31st (3):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881840/1/La-Beauté-à-L-intérieur-de-Toi-The-Beauty-Inside-You (updated)

The beginning to every story is perhaps the most important part. If it’s not done well enough, then a potential reader might choose to not give the rest of it a chance – even if the other 99% is phenomenal. You start out with the sentence: “A large party was currently going on in the castle, where nearly everyone was invited. There were plenty of events to do. But the main thing people came here to do was to watch Prince Ash battle.” While this gets the message across, we don’t know what the castle looks like or why his battles are so interesting. Within a bit of exposition, you can do even more than just that – maybe even give the reader a bit of what the overarching plot is, for instance. One example of this might be:

“Ketchum Manor was – as anyone in all of Kalos would be quick to say – the most beautiful castle in the region. Its tall marble spires cast long shadows into the verdant gardens below, where wild floette would frolic with guests of the chateau’s lord. But it was what lay inside – beyond hallways of gleaming gold and silver, goblets of fine wine, lords and ladies dressed in their firmly pressed suits and great flowing ballgowns –and inside the massive atrium in the heart of the castle that called to the hearts of the people of the region. It was in the shape of a large circle and had been fashioned into the likeness of an arena. There, the prince himself would battle those he deemed worthy of his mighty pikachu’s thunderbolts.

Lord Ketchum had faced many challengers in his time – from elegant delphox to regal pyroar whose fiery breath attacks had set the dining tables ablaze on more than one occasion. No matter who he fought, the result was always the same: his opponent would leave the gleaming castle disgraced, mere proof for the roaring crowds that he, Ash Ketchum, was greatest trainer of the Kalos region. But not once had Ash allowed a pokemon he thought uncomely even as far as the entrance to Ketchum Manor. If someone were to approach with a lowly garbador, they would be cast out long before witnessing the splendor inside, the ridicule of the prince and his guards the only souvenir of a long journey to the lord’s castle spent in vain.”

See how the scenic detail paints a vivid image for your readers to picture the events unfolding in? You can also “show and not tell” that he is cruel by the way he treats his challengers – as mere fodder for his fame and glory – and by how he refuses the attendance of certain pokemon. You say that he does not like pokemon he thinks as “ugly,” but we never see this in action. I feel as though it would be better served – perhaps even more closely by having a challenger approach with a less graceful pokemon such as garbador – and when he is refused, Ash’s hubris would act as the trigger for Arceus’ judgment rather than a petty action made after losing a battle.

This statement needs to be expanded upon, I feel: “Arceus finally decided that enough was enough. He wanted to teach this boy a lesson. And he knew how.” As it is, we see a stranger challenge him with an ultra beast, but we never see evidence that it might be Arceus in disguise or an envoy of his or why this person has come to teach him a lesson.

You “tell” more than you “show,” I think. It’s an easy thing to do, but “showing” what happens is so much more rewarding. Instead of having the action be described mostly by the names of the attacks being used, why not explain what it looks like – how the shiny floors might be made murky with the sludge from Nihilego’s Toxic attack or blinding flashes of electricity arcing through the air as Pikachu attacks with a Thunder Punch. Ash and his servants’ transformation could be particularly interesting to see as it occurs. Why is it that those pokemon were chosen? Who among the crowd were transformed and why?

Lastly, your word choices could be made more effectively I think. Phrases like “The referee began to announce” are better served for when someone is about to be interrupted. Simply “announced” works better. It will be interesting to see Ash’s transformation from his inner beastliness to someone who has atoned for his past mistakes. There are also a lot of clever things that can be done with adaptations to stories like this one like by perhaps having the other servants resemble pokemon who resemble the objects from Beauty and the Beast. Litwick comes to mind for the character “Lumiere.”

Anyway, that’s all on my end. Hope it helps!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882222/1/Pokémon-Shattered-Four (2 chapters posted same day, hasn’t updated since)

You use imagery, but it can be even more vivid and engaging. Keep in mind that every sentence has to in some way serve the plot as a whole. As a first paragraph, you are seeing the world through a child’s eyes – innocence in imagery can be an effective way of comparison to a mature or darker themed section ahead. Try something like this:

“Atri let out a yell of triumph as he kicked his foot against the brick-and-mortal staircase that had become of the small chimney attached to a small cottage he shared with his mother beside Goldenrod Lake. His worn sneakers were now dusty from accumulated soot – he had nearly fallen in before realizing that the tall structure was hollow. *Maybe,* he thought, *Mom was right about being more careful.* But his mother’s many admonishments were of no concern to him; if he wanted something badly enough, he would make it happen. He had always been that way, as his mother had told him in a voice that made him wonder whether she was proud or angry at him.

The sky above blazed a golden-red as the sun began to sink below the horizon. A few clouds drifted lazily by, glowing as they passed over the setting sunlight and as the river beneath roared in that muffled way that sounds tended to do when you heard them too often – like his mother’s yelling at him for leaving the house without combing his hair *again.* The river was a constant source of fascination for Atri; he longed to see what – if anything at all – lay beyond the endless stream that fed into that blurry line where the sun was falling into and would soon rise from once again. But Atri was only nine years old and could barely swim without his mother there to help him; such a task was beyond him without the aid of a water-type pokemon to ferry him across.”

See how Atri’s personality might be incorporated into the intro and how that might feed into his becoming a champion – something that undoubtedly takes a lot of determination? In the following paragraphs you could have Professor Elm worried about something to do with the pokemon league – perhaps the word “damn” used in front of a nine-year-old child could be used then to show that Elm is worried so extensively that the filter adults use to censor their language around young children would be affected. Professor Elm’s coded explanation to a child would give the reader a bit more background as to what the Elite 4 have been doing that causes such discord in the time period after the eight year time skip.

Speaking of that – it’s way too abrupt as it is now. We go from Atri looking up optimistically at the sky and saying that he’d be a trainer – not even the champion – to him being the disgraced champion of Johto, whose image is so vile to the populace that they would be willing to murder him. We have no idea what happened or why or why it happened or why Atri could not prevent it. I feel as though those details, spread out over a longer period of time – even just over a few explanatory paragraphs that paint Atri’s life as a budding trainer – would do a lot for letting the reader understand the scope of the situation.

This passage is a little confusing ” “We want reform!” They all chanted with an obvious lack of unison.” Typically what makes a mob effective is their use of a simple phrase chanted as a massive whole. A jumble of many incoherent voices does not make an effective angry mob. You say he traverses the streets of Eterna – wasn’t this story just taking place in the Johto region? I feel as though there needs to be a proper explanation for why he is there and more importantly – why the people of Sinnoh would even care about what happens in Johto.

I would avoid using phrases like “a swarm of tauros” or comparing a physical sensation to something tied to something fictional like a jolteon’s electricity when you say “The pain was excruciating, shooting through his body like the current of a jolteon, incapacitating him.” As your job as the author is to paint as relatable a scene as possible, relating a sensation to something a reader cannot possibly have experienced firsthand is probably not the best way to go.

You use the Distortion World as a placeholder for “Hell” – a stylistic choice – but canonically the Distortion World didn’t seem all that bad. It was weird more than anything, what with gravity not really having the same effect it would on the outside and all the floating pillars. I’m being nitpicky here, but when you say “The Trubbish had risked it’s life as it stalled for time. He had to take advantage of it.” you are saying that Atri is taking advantage of a trubbish, when it’s actually the trubbish’s heroism that he’s taking advantage of. A small distinction in words, but a pretty profound one in meanings. Also be vigilant about proper use of “its” versus “it’s.”

The word “baron” should be “barren.” I think a different word than “cultured” fits trees better or a different set of descriptions altogether. If it is thick, maybe try “the thick brush of the trees painted a verdant swath of endless jungle.”

You use the phrase “The peace after the war.” but I think that “the calm before the storm” fits better – he may have escaped with his life, but it seems as though the Sinnoh region is on the cusp of war. What exactly was so horrifying that people from across the world are forming mobs over?

Again, being nit-picky, but avoid trying to be “too” clever with phrases like “Athough Eterna was the capital of Sinnoh, protests took place across the region, spreading like wildfire. If he didn’t get out, the heat was gonna get to him.” I know that the wildfires are an obvious tie to “heat,” but it ends up looking a bit crude in my opinion. Simply tell us how he’s panicked, how he wants to get away before people try to find and kill him again.

This phrase seems unfitting: ” also gave him a sense of comfort. As if it were an old friend wrapping an arm around his shoulder.” If his charizard still needs to be addressed cautiously, I’m thinking that maybe they aren’t old friends – that, or they have some issues they need to work through. If it were an old friend, maybe someone he went on his journey to championship with, I would use a different expression than someone wrapping an arm around his shoulder – that’s better reserved for humans or more humanoid figures than a fire-breathing lizard with wings. Maybe “As if it were a warm flame sheltering him from a cold winter night’s chill.” This could hearken back to some possible event that happened in the past where his charizard comforted him when times were rough – the winter night being a metaphor for the current events, perhaps even. I am glad that you address that pokemon need to be treated as partners and not tools though.

Avoid slang like “He had to look legit…” Instead of “legit” explain what exactly he needed to look like in order to avoid suspicion and why he needs to look like that.

The plural form for pokemon is the same as their singular form. The sentence “No one throwing Aegislash’s at him.” needs a slight rework. Maybe “No one throwing a violent aegislash at him.” Also if it’s not a personal pronoun, a pokemon’s species name has to be in lowercase. Otherwise if a trainer of an aegislash who calls it Aeglislash encounters a horde of wild aegislash… it’s bound to get confusing. The phrase in question is a sentence fragment, but I see why you included it – for emphasis. Just remember to use them sparingly if you do use sentence fragments.
The “what was” in “Atri made his way through the restaurant as he proceeded to the passenger rooms, what was located upstairs.” needs to be “which were.” You make a pass at rich people, something I see happen quite often, but you don’t explain how or why they are making a show of their wealth on the cruise. If it’s a buffet that they’re at, then of course they’re going to stock it full of food – everyone does. If it’s not, then I still see no reason to make a pass at supposed snobs without sufficient reason to. Rich people aren’t inherently immoral – try to avoid cliché archetypes too much. When you say “fir” door, I can’t really picture that. I know fir trees are a thing, but I’ve never heard of a fir door. That, combined with the word “fur” in a nearby sentence makes it a little confusing to figure out. Is it a door made of fur? Lastly, “bear leg” should be “bare leg.”

I like the gritter theme of a disgraced champion as opposed to the typical story of a super-successful one. I feel as though the story needs more explanation and better word choice in order to portray the sensation of that grit most effectively, however. Keep in mind that phrases like “bear leg” have English counterparts that sound the exact same but are different things altogether.

You said you appreciated constructive criticism, so I hope that this counts. Let me know if you want something clarified. Ciao!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882289/1/Of-Allergy-Medication-and-Paperwork (updated)

The idea of a pokemon fanfic whose main gimmick is the lack of pokemon-centricity is really, really interesting to me. There are so many stories about trainers wanting to be the champion, but very few which cover the lives of those who don’t surround themselves with pokemon – they exist in the games, too, if you stop to talk to enough NPCs.

I think that the biggest flaws here are the lack of scenic details and the lack of background. We know *how* the protagonist feels about her friends, just not *why.* Except for Julian. He seems like a bit of an ass, yes, by the way he says “All the stupid people are not gonna take it next year. They either won’t be in a high enough math class or leaving to train pokemon.”

As for the rest of her friends, who are they? How do they directly or indirectly make her feel inferior or not as smart? If it is intentional, why is she still friends with them?

This phrase: “Terrified of bug pokemon, allergic to most pokemon with fur. Flying type pokemon required a tenacity that she wasn’t ready for. Dark, psychic, and ghost would cause her parents to flip if she ever tried to train one.” needs to start with a complete sentence. Sometimes sentence fragments are useful for added impact, but I don’t feel that this is one of those cases. When or if you do use sentence fragments, use them sparingly. What is it about bug pokemon that terrifies her and why don’t her parents like dark, psychic, or ghost pokemon? With a bit more exposition you can add some really neat details in and around the protagonist and the people she surrounds herself with. For example:

“It wasn’t as though she were allergic to *every* species of pokemon – just most of them. Anything with fur, that is. While all her friends had been fawning over the litter of poochyena next door, she had been doing her best not to asphyxiate. It’s not that she didn’t *want* to be a trainer, it was that her allergies to anything remotely furry made it impossible to be a good one. She didn’t think it would be fair to a pokemon if she couldn’t give it proper advice during a match against an opposing trainer because she was too busy sneezing to pay attention to the battlefield. The few pokemon that didn’t bring the constant threat of an allergic reaction weren’t exactly what she wanted to be traveling with, either. The many eyes of bug types and the poison they often used made her shiver and flying types were too energetic for her to keep up with – you had to be pretty fit in order to catch up to something with wings, after all.

As for some of the other types of pokemon, her parents were extremely superstitious. The first birthday present she could remember was a cleansing tag designed to keep evil spirits away. Bringing a ghost type or a dark type into the house might well get her disowned for all she knew about her parents’ tolerance of the occult. As much as Elena hated to admit it, being a pokemon trainer just wasn’t in the cards for her.”

With exposition, you can give the reader a better idea of who Elena is and where she comes from. You can include some instances where she’s been with friends that might have made her feel insecure or inadequate perhaps if you want to go that route or explain why they are still valuable to her despite how the envy she feels for them.

Again, exposition is a major boon. The sentence “The internship. Where you got to travel the region.” can be better explained if you want to keep the sentence fragment for an emphasis put on the statement. Otherwise, the reader might not know why it’s there and just assume that it’s an error. Something like this would show *how* it’s being said, not just *what:*

“The internship,” Julian said – a touch exasperatedly, Elena thought. “You know, the one where you get to travel the region.”

You can split up a sentence like that effectively with speech modifiers like “shouted” or “whispered” or whatever else fits at the time – “exasperatedly” for example.

This sentence needs a rework: “Mrs. Madrid, my neighbor, her Budew, needs exercise, and I need experience with handling grass types.” It has too many commas and not enough periods and/or semicolons to break it up. Also remember to keep pokemon species names in lowercase if they aren’t being used as a personal pronoun. The cool thing is that you have a lot of options about how you want to go about doing it. You can even choose not to use a period if you use the right mixture of hyphens.

Example one: “It’s Mrs. Madrin,” Elena explained, “She’s my neighbor – remember? Her budew needs exercise and I need experience with handling grass types.”

Example two: “Mrs. Madrin – my neighbor, that is– her budew needs exercise and I need help with handling grass types.”

Example three: “It’s Mrs. Madrin,” Elena explained, “She’s my neighbor; her budew needs exercise and I need experience with handling grass types.” (I recommend using one of the other two. Periods are often used more effectively than a semicolon)

The bit from “It wasn’t even on something sensible or smart!” to “She had the brains to make it there.” Needs to be one paragraph. I can see that you might be using white space for emphasis, but there’s no need for it here and it’s better served in one paragraph as opposed to spread out over 15 tiny paragraphs. You also use single word or phrase sentences as opposed to fleshing out what is being said or meant, like “100 mph.” or “Distance.” Or “The internship.” The words “Distance. The intership.” can be used with italics to mean that this is exactly what Elena is thinking to herself and can also therefore be spiced up with more exposition.

For example: “*Distance,* Elena reminded herself. That might be just what she needed to get over Julian. *The Internship. Focus.* All she needed was to qualify for it and then her new pokemon-and-Julian free life could begin.”

You say at the beginning that she thinks that she is dumb or that others do at least and then at the end have Elena think: “She had the brains to make it there.” Is she just insecure? What does she really think of herself? What made her think that she might not be as smart as some of her other friends? If she’s studying to be an engineer, that takes a good deal of smarts.

Lastly, you have a tendency to narrate in a way that shows the train-of-thought way that we can think in sometimes, but writing isn’t typically a sprawl of what’s being thought. You have to explain what is being said, why it’s being said, how it’s being said, and be able to explain how it furthers the plot of the story in some way. You break from past tense as well a few times, so just make sure that everything outside of dialogue stays in past-tense. I’d be really interested to see how Elena makes it in a world and its corresponding cultures so predominately focused on pokemon— and especially on training, as that’s what the games focus on. It’s a rather unique take on things.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I hope it helps you in some way!

April 3rd (1):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882289/2/Of-Allergy-Medication-and-Paperwork (not updated)

Hey! I ordinarily don’t review twice on the same story, but for those willing to make edits and improve, I will *happily* do so as per your request. I hope this helps and let me know if I need to clarify anything!

You begin the story with an italicized phrase that we can later glean that it’s from either a questionnaire or the words of someone in charge of admissions for the internship. I don’t think it is, but if it were from a person’s dialogue, it should be in quotes, but it could still use a little bit more exposition to explain how Elena encountered that particular phrase and why it’s bothering her. You could have her start the chapter entering the office of someone responsible for the program, be it a spokesperson or a school counselor who handles these sorts of things en masse. Perhaps it could be done as a flashback or simply the start of a sequence of events that leads to Elena sitting in her own room to fill it out there. Try to avoid flashbacks if you can use something else instead, like a bit of extra story that leads up to the current beginning with her pondering over the question “Why do you believe you are qualified for this program?”

Maybe this could work as one possible example:

Elena fingered the rough cord of her schoolbag as she stared at the door underneath a small bronze plate that read “School Counselor: Dana Smith, Ph.D.” Ordinary classes had ended for the day and only a few stragglers wandered the otherwise empty halls. High-end class projects were displayed proudly on either side of the door and she couldn’t help but notice that not one of them belonged to her. She rummaged through her bag, taking out a crumpled pamphlet depicting a man with a large walking stick beside the entrance to a sign that welcomed him to the Unova region’s Twist Mountain.
Elena took a deep breath, letting the new burst of air fill the empty spaces where confidence would ordinarily be and in one fluid motion gripped the faded brass handle, turned it, and thrust herself inside. The counselor herself seemed to surprised to see her; the sudden noise of the door flying open seemed to have given her a shock and a few unstable stacks of books toppled to the ground.
“Sorry!” Elena said. The bravado she had mustered only a second ago had disappeared. She felt foolish now; what was she trying to prove by opening the door that quickly anyhow? She scrambled to pick the books up, muttering a hasty “No, I’ll get it” when Counselor Smith made to pick them up herself.
“Well this is a pleasant surprise. What brings you here?” Counselor Smith said once they had finished organizing the books. The task had taken a bit longer than Elena thought it would at first, but she soon found that the counselor was a bit unorganized and that the reason for the books’ precarious position on her desktop was because all the other filing cabinets, desk drawers, or the small closet in the corner had already been haphazardly filled with a jumble of papers already. The familiarity of a disorganized heap of things calmed Elena’s frazzled nerves and she held out the pamphlet regarding the internship to study Unova’s geography.
“I’m here about the internship,” Elena said. She felt proud of herself when she realized that she had said it without so much as a single stutter. “You know – the Unova thing – with the mountains and stuff…” She scratched the back of her head. Maybe she had congratulated herself too soon.
“Oh!” Counselor Smith clapped her hands together excitedly. “That one! I was hoping you would apply for it, actually. I know the idea of most jobs these days must be hard with your allergies, but there are plenty of opportunities for you. Now, you will have to be careful about encountering pokemon in the field, but this program focuses on the landscape of the Unova region, not necessary its ecology. I think it’s a wonderful idea for someone like you,” she said. “I suppose you’re here to apply?”
“Yes ma’am,” Elena said as Counselor Smith’s head disappeared beneath her desk and the shuffling of papers could be heard. Her head was fuzzy with happiness and she had to resist the urge to do a victory dance. The counselor said that it was a perfect fit! Maybe she was on the right track after all.
“Oh where did I put – no, that’s not it – aha!” A few minutes passed and Counselor Smith breached the surface of her desktop with the aura of someone who had just found returned from a successful dive for buried treasure. There was a mad gleam in her eye as she slapped a bent envelope down in front of Elena. She was grinning. “I knew I had that around here somewhere! Here you are, Elena dear,” she said. “Just remember to fill it in at the post office when you’re done with it. I do hope everything goes well for you.”
“Thank you Mrs. Smith,” Elena said. She gripped the envelope tightly in her right hand. “I’ll go home and fill it out right away!” She barely remembered the trip back home through the hazy fervor of her giddiness and before she knew it she was rushing past the potted plant that sat in the living room, up the stairs, and in her room, where she placed the application on her desk beneath the bright glare of her lamp. She slid it open and found herself deflate. She read the first question (which she was quite sure was meant to be in a mocking tone) aloud: “Why do you believe you are qualified for this program?”

End of possible example. Okay, so I may have gone a little overboard with that, but you get the point.

When you say: “Elena leaned back further in her chair, almost to the point if her foot wasn’t pressed against the back panel of her desk she would’ve fell.” It should be: Elena leaned back further in her chair – almost to the point that if her foot weren’t pressed against the back panel of her desk she would have fallen.” Keep up with subject-verb agreement and remember to use “fallen” instead of “fell” when referring to a person or object in the process of falling when using past-tense. “Fell” refers to something that definitely happened, like “Elena fell.”

This passage and similar ones need a rework: “Elena loved her parents. She really did, and would do anything to not disappoint them.” The first sentence is fine, but it ties into the second sentence, which is a sentence fragment. Combine the two using a period, a semicolon, or a combination of commas and/or hyphens like I gave an example of in my last review.

I’m being a little nit-picky here, but remember to keep the subject of the action being referenced clear in your sentences. When you say this sentence, it seems like the blame is being shifted from her parents and toward Elena herself toward the end of it: “Elena supposed that it hurt them to see their only daughter to be miserable everyday but now she was reaping the consequences for a few years of taking a lower dosage of allergy medication.”

A rework could read “… but now she was reaping the consequence of their decision made for her to take a lower dosage of medicine.”

I think this is stylistic humor, but it can still be worded a little bit better so that the reader gets that it is stylistic humor and not that Elena would literally be awarding her desk with a medal of sorts later: “The poor keyboard, it would need to be honored for it’s valiant service at a later date.” Also be vigilant about proper use of “its” versus “it’s.”
“Its” is possessive.” “It’s” means “It is.”

The phrase “like literally everyone had recommended…” needs to be “almost every one of their friends…” or something akin to that If you are using dialogue or italicized internal dialogue that reflects *exactly* what is being said, you can use the word because a lot of people tend to misuse it in speech, but in exposition, you need to be careful with your word choices. Otherwise, every single person on the planet would have told Elena or her parents something, which obviously isn’t what happened.

Avoid phrases that start with a question that are then immediately answered a second later. A lot of people make this mistake when writing because as authors often *think* like that, be it writing related or just figuring out some puzzling detail from day-to-day life, but writing should be smooth and fluid without an unnecessary question asked only for the purpose of being asked a second later. Phrase it in an explanation for why there would need to be a question but also answer that explanation in the same blurb: “She didn’t need self-confidence; she had *that* in spades.”

You tell us *that* Mrs. Madrin is a thoroughly unpleasant person but necessarily *how* or *why.* Give us examples that support Elena’s beliefs of the woman. Also, why couldn’t she refuse the walking of her budew? If she was running late, she had a good excuse not to walk it.

Lastly, fill this bit in with the necessary bits of exposition: “The world cup – I hear that Red and Blue – Oh you’re probably too young to know who they are, they both became champions at age 11 – They flew in to compete – Rosa beat that Blue kid – She’s going up against Red today – It’ll be all over TV-” As it is now, we can tell that he’s talking in a conversation, but there are either too many blurbs or there isn’t enough exposition to give the reader a good sense of what’s going on. I enjoyed the use of “*Whoops!*” as a single paragraph. That was a good use of a single phrase paragraph.

There’s a huge amount of improvement to this chapter compared to the first one prior to any edits, of course. The added exposition really does wonders. Keep at it! You’re doing a really good job with your improvements.

April 5th (1):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12881938/1/Pokemon-Champion-Sedna (not updated)

I feel as though a bit more background in the beginning would do really well here. Why is Ash challenging her exactly? I know there’s the obvious “Because she’s the champion!” answer, but if it wouldn’t even be for the championship title, that should be examined more closely. He just lost his tournament match in Kalos; perhaps a win against a bonafide champion would restore his spirits or perhaps a damaged pride? You describe the means to get there, but I think that the journey to the base of the mountain from the start of the boat would be better if you are going to include that detail. Otherwise it’s just extraneous information – we don’t need to know *how* he’s there so much as *why.*

This sentence could do with a rework: “Her loyalty was with her Pokemon and if that meant staying several thousands of feet above the common ground, she was perfectly fine with that.” What does her loyalty to her pokemon have to do with being several thousand feet above sea level? Does one of her pokemon (or more) have a condition that makes it harder to live in areas of lower elevation? Also the phrase “common ground” refers more to an intangible concept like “relatability.” Ground by itself would work better.

Why and how was the drive to get to Nebula Mountain so strong with Ash? It’s a lot easier to simply state something, but it’s almost always better to *show it.* For example, instead of saying “The drive to get to Nebula Mountain was quite strong with Ash,” say something more akin to “Ash’s view of Nebula Mountain’s peak was obstructed by a thin wave of clouds and for a moment to him, it seemed insurmountable. But Ash had been through too much – lost too much – to give up now. The image of [description of the end of the last battle in the Kalos league] flashed before his eyes and he turned his cap to the side. Beside him, Pikachu gave him a nod of grim determination. The loss of the Kalos League still stung and the two of them shared the almost-desperate determination to reclaim their fallen pride. They had lost to [name of person he lost to], but they would not lose against Sedna. Nothing would stand in their way, even if it meant having to conquer the mountain first.”

This is a sentence fragment: “Most likely a volcanic island although he couldn’t be sure from his position.” It’s obvious what he is referring to, but unless you are using something that implies exact thought, your sentences should be whole with the rare exceptions where sentence fragments are used for added impact. Those sentences are typically short however and should be used sparingly to preserve that added “impact” effect that fragments are used for. Also, why was it likely a volcanic island? You talk about a mountain just before, not the place he’s at as a whole, so that’s also a little confusing.

I would remove this sentence altogether: “He had no idea what was waiting for him at the very top of this mountain… if, he made it there.” If he had no idea what was waiting for him, why was he there at all? Isn’t he there to face Sedna? If you’re talking about no idea what kind of trainer Sedna is, say that instead. Ambiguity is the enemy.

I’m unfamiliar with this phrase, but it could be that I haven’t heard it before or that it’s more commonly heard where you’re at: “balled fist in gritted fuel.” The word “fuel” makes me think of other things, typically not used in that way. Just “grit” I think works better, in which case you would use “with grit.”

For some reason, pokemon in the anime speak in fragments of their name. I get why you put this here – and Ash probably understands the intended message – but the reader does not have the background of having lived in the pokemon world and its various poke-speeches, so phrases like ‘”Pika-Pika!” Pikachu agreed” are a tad confusing. We know THAT he agreed, we just have no idea what he said that made it an agreement. Body language works better for various things if you don’t want to do a complicated translation after every bit of poke-speech, or explain through Ash’s POV how he understands what is being said.

You switch from Ash’s POV to Sedna’s with no warning at all and it’s a little jarring. I personally would recommend not using Sedna’s POV at all – this is Ash’s story, or at least from the beginning. If you do want Sedna to play a more active role, then make it clear that there is a POV switch to and back from Sedna’s POV.

This sentence goes on a bit too long with unnecessary detail: “Only the sound of water dripping through the cave made noise followed by various distant pokemon cries due to the large amount of cave pokemon that find housing inside her large cave.” The “due to…” bit is redundant. We know that she is probably in a place where wild pokemon are – the explanation for their existence only detracts from the scenic details: “Only the sound of water echoing through the sleek walls of the cavern and the distant cries of wild pokemon made any sound.”

Explain “how” and “why,” not so much as “what.” Avoid phrases that begin akin to: “The reason for this is because…” Exposition is not train-of-thought. The people writing stories tend to think in that manner of “Why did I do that? Oh yeah, it was to…” but exposition is not train-of-thought.

“whos dark iron red hair” needs a rework. You have a spelling error so just tack on the “e” after “whos.” But also, what is “dark iron red hair?” I typically think of the color grey when I think of iron. Maybe rusted iron for red, but not “dark iron.”

I think this needs a bit of a rework as well: “At her side, was a Mawile. It was her, Mawile. From the beginning of her adventure following her finale in the Sinnoh League, losing to Cynthia in the League, Sedna then traveled to the Kalos Region to further develop her skills as a trainer.” The second sentence is a sentence fragment – I think you meant for it to be connected to the third sentence and it got cut off somehow. As it is, it looks like a redundant phrase that ends up being confusing. The comma in the first sentence is unnecessary. I can’t really go over all the rules over comma use here, but I’m sure almighty google has the answers for you.

When you said that she defeated all of her opponents fairly, it makes me ask myself why it wouldn’t have been “fairly.” Unless there’s some serious corruption going on in the League that the reader knows about, try to avoid modifications like that. I think the point was to have the reader understand that Sedna is honorable, but if that’s the case, use a little bit more exposition and explain that instead of tacking on a modifier that typically doesn’t make sense for it to be there. The assumption is that she defeated them fair and square.

This kind of formatting gets used a lot here. Too much, in my opinion. We get that he’s going to Kuiper chamber from the first time you used this kind of formatting. I personally don’t think it should be used even once, but if you want to keep it for stylistic purposed, don’t OD on it; if you want to make it sound cooler, describe it in a cool way. White space can be used more effectively than:

“Not in the slightest. Even as he appeared, after climbing the one hundred stairs that lead up to her chamber…

Kuiper Chamber, some six thousand feet above the surface of the planet.”

The comma in “Even as he appeared,” is unnecessary.

You have it stated that lights come over where Sedna is and then say that Ash can’t see her due to glare and illumination and then a paragraph later describe that he could see after lights came on above him. That’s not how the human eye works. If lights are above Sedna, then he can see her even if there’s a total void of light source coming from near him. If anything, the lights coming on nearby him would blind him more.

Why was there energy missing in Sedna’s body? I honestly thought that she was sickly when I read that and was waiting for something like “I’m up here because I can’t take surface germs” or something. It’s an unnerving detail as it indicates that there’s something wrong with her. That, coupled with that we know she is a voluntary recluse, made me think that she was sick.

What are “blight tights?” The word blight is associated with illness and decay typically.

Unless in dialogue, avoid phrases like “She was more or less dressed for the occasion.” As it stands, if she’s at the top of a mountain, a thick winter coat and some insulated pants-wear would be more appropriate. You don’t really need to be winning any fashion shows if you are only there to have battles against other trainers at or near the top of what is probably a very cold mountain. Six thousand steps up means that the chill factor’s going to be pretty dang nasty. To that effect, adding that into the battle or an explanation for how Ash and Pikachu dealt with the frost might be cool to see.

In the battle, describe in detail and avoid information that the person whose POV the story is currently following would not know, such as the intentions of an opposing trainer: “Unfortunately for Ash, however, Sedna wasn’t going to just let him attack. She had a counteract of her own which would likely surprise Ash and his friends… if they were here.” Also, why would she think his friends were there?

On a similar vein, describe what was special about Sedna’s having “something about her collected attitude.” Was it intimidating, for example?

In the phrase “than Infernape wasn’t long for this world” make sure to use “then” instead of “than.” The word “then” is used to propel a sequence of events while the word “than” is used to compare. The phrase itself is a little ominous, but I have heard it be used for falling asleep as opposed to dying. Regardless, he is in the midst of battle, which only serves to make it look like he’s possibly going to die.

What was the purpose of this phrase: “There, Infernape began freefalling towards the Glaceon that stared up. Not at Infernape, however…
At Sedna.”
I don’t see any combat advantages for taking your eyes off of your opponent. At this point it seems a bit like you’re using this phrase just so you could do the “[blurb before] …

Sedna/Kuiper Chamber” bit that happens a lot here.

Phrases like “In a large flash of light and sound” are perfect opportunities to add more flair and describe what kind of light and sound, like “In the quick flash of a bright red light and the familiar popping sound of a pokemon being released from its capsule.”

When talking about Ash’s old butterfree, you make a new paragraph halfway in. The two paragraphs need to be reattached. Also, when referring to pokemon’s species name, always use lowercase when not speaking about a pokemon whose personal pronoun is also their species name. As Ash was referring to “his old butterfree” and not “Butterfree, my old butterfree,” it needs to be in lowercase.

Instead of “hell like attack” attack, use “hellish” instead. Hell is a place, not necessarily a description. “It was hell” is used as a common phrase, yes, but I think that “hellish” works better here.

Avoid all caps statements outside of dialogue when someone is yelling or if referring to a sign or something made in all-caps. If you are describing something made in all-caps, make sure that it’s clear that the sign or whatever is being read is actually in all-caps or describe that it’s in all-caps if that’s easier. (Sometimes a sign can have sections that are not in all-caps, which might be a case in which stating what and how it is read verbatim might be more useful: “Welcome to Joe’s Shack, home of ALL the stuff!”

Be careful with word choice. Instead of “The magnet of wanting to win this” try something to do with “magnetic” or use a different word altogether. As it stands now, I really don’t understand what’s being said.

I think you overuse going to a new paragraph to say one thing too much but this was used effectively I think:
“Not yet…
Not yet…
Now!”

It’s all down to style – you could explain her concentrated state, but that also works if you want the reader to be a bit more involved in the exposition.

To summarize, be careful with word choice, avoid unnecessarily making a new paragraph, give a bit more explanation for why things are being done or for background details, and explain what’s going on as opposed to stating what’s going on. This story was almost over 9,000 (words)! With a bit of editing and added detail, you can really make Vegeta proud of its power level. Let me know if you have questions or anything; I’m here to help.

April 9th (1):

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12882371/1/The-Trainee (not updated, but it’s only been a few days)

In the summary, you have a comma where there should be a period or a semicolon. “He didn’t arrive with Alexa, instead, he came on his own with just Pikachu” should be either:

“He didn’t arrive with Alexa. Instead, he came on his own with just Pikachu.” Or “He didn’t arrive with Alexa; instead, he came on his own with just Pikachu.” Try to avoid phrases like “he came on his own…” followed by a statement that invalidates that statement. The summary and the beginning of the story are crucial to the story as a whole because if people see something they don’t like there, chances are they won’t read the rest of it – even if it’s phenomenal. “Ash is in Kalos and completely lost. With only Pikachu beside him, he…” might be a possible rework. I’m being nit-picky, but the summary is really important – it means more views for your story.

You start off with a triplet of periods to signify silence or a lapse in time, but the introduction is much better served by exposition that explains what’s going on where the protagonists are, why they are there, why they are alone, and what where they are looks like. Set the scene! It’s pretty fun to practice painting a scene with vivid descriptions. Try something like this instead of stating that it’s nighttime and that he’s just finished a long flight:

“A thousand glittering lights framed Lumiose City’s skyline against the dark sky just beyond the smudge created from Ash Ketchum’s face pressed tightly against the window of his plane seat. The white-and-blue compartments were abuzz with the excitement and the nervous chatter of first-time fliers and while Ash could not see it, there was the restless movement of the crew as they strolled through the walkway with a trash bag held in each hand. Beside him, Pikachu let out a small squeak of anxiety as the plane prepared to merge with the ground. Ash ripped his eyes from the scene outside to give his friend a comforting smile.

“We’re almost through, buddy. We just have to – oh!” Ash’s words were cut off by the sudden *thump* that follows the end of an airplane’s careful descent. An elderly couple nearby let out similar sounds of surprise as their luggage escaped their laps and slid below the seat in front of them. Ash’s hand was held reflexively over the small electric mouse pokemon beside him, however, and Pikachu gave Ash a small smile in thanks.

The next half hour was spent waiting for their aircraft to merge with the gate that led to Terminal B-5, which Ash knew led straight into the heart of the Kalos region’s capital city. A sleek black strip of self-moving material caught his attention and in the fervor of escaping a long 13-hours’ worth of cabin fever and in the exhilaration the burst of speed it gave him, he let out a whoop of joy. Ash found himself running alongside three more of the strange rotating strips before he reached the L’espoir Airport baggage claim. People and pokemon from all over the world moved in sluggish zeal as they fought sleepiness in favor of the promise of a warm hotel bed.

Even though the long journey through the air had been less than ideal for the restless young man and his pokemon, the feeling of having successfully conquered an overseas flight in one sitting renewed Ash’s energy and he soon found himself racing for the exit. His room fare had already been taken care of, courtesy of a reservation for the Lumiose City Pokemon Center made by Professor Oak. Ash had no need to wait for his baggage, having only brought a small pack with him. He and Pikachu quickly passed by the rotating machines that spat out suitcases, past a solid knot of people standing idly in the center of the room, and had passed through the sliding doors that led outside.

The dark sky overhead brought a chill breeze, and Ash found himself wishing that he had packed a sweater. Cars honked in the distance and fought over parking spots while a small horde of people stood impatiently beside large signs that advertised cab fare. There was a tremor on his shoulder and Ash opened his jacket; the cold night air seemed to be affecting Pikachu more than it did him. Soon Pikachu was happily nestled in the pocket created by his now zipped back up jacket, safe from the coldness of the air outside. Ash looked around him at realized with an unpleasant lurch that he had no idea where the pokemon center actually was.”

Right, so that may have been a bit much on my end, but you get the idea. Scenic detail and exposition can make for really cool details that grip the reader and makes the read itself a lot more enjoyable.

Try to avoid phrases like ” Time-zones and whatnot.” Never assume that your reader knows what you are talking about unless it’s really obvious – for someone not well-versed in airplane travel, it might be better to explain succinctly that there is a difference in the perceived time of an area depending on where you are geographically.

Sentences with two independent thoughts like this one need to be separated by a semicolon, not a comma: “Ash smiled, he would call Gary when he reached the pokemon center soon enough.”

I think that the phrase “a huge new city” is redundant. Simply stating that he is in a new region and a new city will do, I think. Repeating that he is in a city only serves to detract from the impact of the phrase.

Again, avoid phrases that summarize but don’t explain sufficiently: “He didn’t want to start panicking, as that was not a good thing to do.”

I think you tend to use commas too much. Even though there might normally be a pause in speech, sentences like “He could ask an Officer, but he didn’t see one around” and “The streets were empty, and it was getting dark and hard to see” don’t need a comma to separate anything there. I can’t go over all the rules of comma usage, but I’m sure almighty google has the answers for you. They can be fairly convoluted, so I definitely recommend giving that a quick search.

“… twilight in the sky” needs a rework I think. Just “twilight sky” would work better.

“More so pokemon.” Is a sentence fragment. I think it has something to do with what you said about eye contact, but I don’t really know what’s being said here.

“Then – he asked. “Are you here by yourself, Ash, why did you come to Kalos?'” Needs a rework. Never say “X asked.” and then state what was being said in the following sentence. Always link it with a comma:
“Are you by yourself, Ash? Why did you come to Kalos?” Siebold asked him.

“Ah.” Is (ironically, as I just quoted it) not in quotation marks. That leads me to think that it’s from the POV of Siebold – never ever switch POVs randomly. I get that it can be helpful to know what someone is thinking, but you need to explain that from the limitations of your protagonist of the time’s POV. As would have no way of knowing that Siebold was thinking like that unless he was a psychic – and then it would need to be explained through exposition that your protagonist was making use of telepathy.

Avoid random capitalization like “Center.” Unless a place is specifically and individually named “Center” or “Pokemon Center,” use “center” or “pokemon center.” There are many pokemon centers, but that is simply their *title,* not their *name.* “Th
9h agoThere are many pokemon centers, but that is simply their *title,* not their *name.* “The Lumiose City Pokemon Center” is a more apt use of capitalization as it refers to a specific pokemon center.

The word “the” should be “they” in “He liked the Eggs Benedict the served…”

The phrase “It was different, it wasn’t Eastern Cuisine but it was different, that was for sure” is redundant. You say that it was different, that it wasn’t something, but that it’s then also different. Again, be cognizant of capitalization as well. “Eastern” could be referring to a term at large, but “Cuisine” definitely needs to be lowercase. The word “Eastern” modifies the word “cuisine” but they are not any one specific thing that would be capitalized.

Make sure “they” is used and not “the” where needed. I’m seeing a few cases where the “y” is missing.

“biologically appropriate” sounds so stiff and un-Ash to think of. Again, don’t summarize a thing, explain it.

So, when a word ends in an “s,” you don’t need to tack on an extra “s” with an apostrophe to show that it’s a possessive term. Just the apostrophe will do. AKA “Kalos’s “Kalos'”

When referencing monetary values, either state or make up some currency to be referred to in quantity. 500,000-1,000,000 [insert monetary thing here like “pokedollars” for example.

One of the weirder words for the punctuation describing an exclamation point and a question mark is the “interrobang.” It’s almost never used, but this is what it looks like: “‽” (Weird, right?) I think it best just to stick with a question mark and let context clues state that the person in question is shouting. If you stick to using this, however, keep it consistent with “?!” instead of mixing it with “!?”

The hyphen is unnecessary in “”So, schooling is a-no for you, then?”

“Pinkett” needs to be “Pinkette”

“Ash smiled, Francesca shot a glare.” Needs to be “Ash smiled. Francesca shot him a glare.” Remember to have a subject for whom is being shot a glare.

Why did Ash make all those careless mistakes? Was he tired from the plane ride, careless and arrogant, a mix of both, or something else? I think that should be explained better. Right now it seems like your hyping up Ash’s pokemon’s power only for him to then immediately lose to someone not of established champion or gym leader status is overt deus ex machina.

Words like “visa” need to be in lowercase – even though I’m sure his visa is quite important to Ash, it is not unique enough to warrant a capital “V.”

The attention you put on the amount of money a trainer should be earning and the explanation was nice to see. It’s cool to see something other than forcing someone to cough up their pocket money like a schoolyard bully as is apparent in the games (I always felt bad about taking money from pre-schoolers after winning a match; seeing a system that can’t be abused by amulet coins was a nice touch). I’m glad Ash apologized to Pikachu for pushing him that hard; ER visits are no joke. People should be really careful in a setting where real danger is a constant factor. The bits of worldbuilding were quite enjoyable to see; I’d be interested in seeing how you address some of the other concerns that go mostly unanswered in the games like how much space a pokemon center can give trainers or how much 500,000-1,000,000 of pokemon-world currency is relative to the living costs for living outside of the pokemon franchise.

Anyway, if you have questions, comments, and/or concerns feel free to shoot me a PM about them. I’m here to help!

So in conclusion, I think we can all agree that this is really time-consuming and that if you want more really nice reviews you should help out by doing some yourself.

4 Comments

barnacle says:

April 17, 2018 at 5:08 am

people react better when you’re being nice? what a shocking bit of revelation. i wonder why none of the authors you reviewed ever suggested it.
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1. St. Elmo's Fire says:
  
  April 17, 2018 at 11:55 am
  
  It sounds like you have the wrong post.
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Saint Elmo's Phyre says:

April 17, 2018 at 10:24 am

This person is just St. Elmo’s Fire
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The Reeds of Enki says:

April 18, 2018 at 1:20 am

I hope I don’t have to repeat myself, but I’m really not St Elmo’s Fire. Again, I started this whole entire shindig with *disagreeing* with him. I did get something productive done though, instead of just making a long series of nearly unintelligible tirades. Seriously, if you are going to argue about someone’s telling you that you have improper grammar, the very least you could do is make your sentences clearly understood so that you aren’t proving the need for people like Farla, Elmo, Talarc, myself, or anyone else who does actually try to review helpfully. This isn’t to anyone that commented here specifically, but having to decipher people’s sentences when they say that their grammar doesn’t need to change is getting annoying. And ironic. So very ironic.
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Dragon Quill

Writing With Scales

Honey vs Vinegar Reviewing

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