Mostly long complainy ones today. Two Pokemon, one Age of Five trilogy(?), one Hunger Games.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7881006/1/Sinnoh_Journey

[a peaceful village in the South of the Sinnoh Region, an area rarely affected by the decisions of the government or Trainer League, but, in an ironic twist of fate, one of the choices that changed the course of the world happened there.
Alexa was a modest young woman, and no one could get her to admit it, but she was the foremost expert in the language of Pokémon in the Nation]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, talking pokemon tends to lead to a lot of friction with the very concept of pokemon battles. If pokemon are anywhere near human intelligence and capable of clearly saying as much, it just highlights a lot of questions about why humans are calling the shots.

[ she was only at the early end of puberty ]

That’s an incredibly awkward phrase. Just give her age.

[the hologram gamer ]

The what? Do you mean hologram game?

[ She was answering fan mail, and a general rule in her household was that she was off-limits while doing that duty, “I’ll be down in a minute.” ]

If there’s no speech verb, the dialogue is treated as a separate sentence rather than something connected together by a comma.

[Only one family was known to have those near-white eyes, just a few shades blue.
Daniel Wilson was on Alexa’s porch.
THE Daniel Wilson. The young man who could hold his own against the Trainer’s League, become an influential Pokémon Gym Leader, and then go to a high-talent University, all while juggling the duties of a teenage celebrity in the Nation.]

So you start off with Alexa, who’s the best at pokemon language despite being only a teen, and she’s meeting up with a guy who has special color sue eyes and a long list of accomplishments that don’t fit well together, then goes on to say he’s got the most beautiful voice ever.

[but then she was a winner of the Grand Festival, and had been one of the greatest stars in Kanto before retiring to Sinnoh.
“I thought you were in school, Daniel,” said Solidad, Top Coordinator and former contest queen.]

Furthermore, you also mention accomplishments completely inappropriately, as if you’re just desperate for a chance to mention that by the way…

The result is that you’ve barely introduced your characters and already I hate all of them and the snobby narrator as well.

[a Pokémon Prof ]

Is not actually a term people would use in speech. Just say professor.

[ Most Pokémon Trainers caught their first Pokémon by chance, and then trained hard before having a hope of challenging a gym. Even getting a license to battle Pokémon was a challenge. ]

This never works. The pokemon world’s setup requires a lot of trainers running around, to justify the amount of infrastructure devoted to trainers and for them to be common enough they can battle each other. There’s meant to be a sizable number of trainers who have all eight badges so those people can compete against each other, and that’s impossible if the average person struggles to even be allowed to battle at all.

Furthermore, emphasizing how hard it is just serves to make your characters look even more sueish if they don’t put in similar time. Possibly you do intend to have them training for months before even attempting their first gym, but the more of a time investment it is, the more ridiculous it is to say people can be trainers and also superstars in other fields.

[The Professor wants to meet us at Lake Verity to give you two your first Pokémon. ]

There’s absolutely no reason for this. You’re not following the exact plot of the games, and he never went there with the intention of distributing pokemon so he has no reason to do so. If you’re going to do your own plot, then do that, don’t regress to the standard way things always go anyway.

Also, how does she manage to be the best at pokemon language without ever having one?

[a Michina]

You use this word in a bunch of sentences, but not so what it means is clear. It just seems like a different way of saying chosen one, which is a terribly overused plot device. Having professors doing stuff because of prophesy while keeping it a secret from other people is an even worse device.

[ The state of the Nation is becoming unstable, with the upward trend in crime.
“Cynthia has found a Michina projection for the future, and the latest translation of the writing warns of an apocalypse on a worldwide scale.”]

Okay, an upward trend of crime does not make for a worldwide apocalypse, and crime in general is not going to be stopped by a trainer with a strong pokemon. Heroics may defeat the boss of a broad organization, but they can’t do much about an upswing in cocaine use.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7881006/2/Sinnoh_Journey

So why is she so excited about being a trainer? If this is something she wanted badly, why didn’t she ever get a pokemon before now?

[knowing full well how much he sounded like a whiny youngling. ]

Youngling is not a word, so no, he can’t’ sound like one.

And why is her mother so worried about her? Why does she need a supertrainer chaperone to do something kids well younger than her do all the time? Same for Markus.

This all seems unnecessary. The conversation is all about stuff that shouldn’t be happening – parents freaking out over a normal occurrence, people being insanely excited about something they could have gone out and done on their own before now – or stuff that’s obvious, like packing.

[“Why are you two so quiet?” he queried ]

You really need to use said.

And now they’re all talking about how special and famous they or their parents are. It’s so hard having a pile of specialness that’s totally irrelevant to the story! Thank goodness the plot continues to take a backseat to hearing about it.

[Easily slipping into the Michina language, Alexa responded to Shadow’s cheery retort. “You shouldn’t waste your energy on illusion, though,” she pointed out. Shadow looked over at the stranger who could speak his language and spouted a longer response than the simple answer he had given his master.
While Shadow and Alexa conversed in their different dialects of the Michina tongue, Markus and Daniel looked at each other. They both understood what Alexa was saying, because all members of a species can understand their own dialect of Michina, but Shadow’s speech just sounded like variations on his normal call.]

That doesn’t make sense. If you understand it, you can speak it. And if she’s speaking human dialect, why is that different from regular human speech which pokemon also evidently understand?

Also christ she’s controlling. Why can’t a pokemon use an illusion for fun? Evidently being able to understand them hasn’t made her consider treating them as anything but robots.

[Well aware of the Pokémon living in the reserve, Daniel knew that and unprotected person with no Pokémon was in danger within Lake Verity, and so he turned to Alexa and Markus to ask if they were ready.
Before he got a word out, however, both of them were looking at him with identical you-think-we-didn’t-know-that faces.]

So why are we wasting time on this whole scene, then?

[As Daniel followed Alexa and Markus, Shadow looked backwards blearily and saw a dark shape flitting off between the trees, and he sensed a dark intent aimed at his master. ]

Also a pretty standard cliché. First the chosen one prophesy, than the mysterious hiding-in-the-darkness malevolent thing that doesn’t actually do anything yet.

So far, this and the previous chapter amount to a single plot point – for some reason it’s important she gets a pokemon because she’s the chosen one. You could easily have skipped both chapters without a problem – telling readers in advance about a prophesy the protagonist is in the dark about is generally just frustrating.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7881006/3/Sinnoh_Journey

[“Alexa, dear!” he speedily wrapped his granddaughter in an embrace, “I hope that you’re as excited about this as I am. I never thought that I would be the one who provided you with your Starter Pokémon.” ]

WHY NOT

She wanted to be a trainer. He has pokemon. Why hasn’t he done this ages ago?

Also, you said earlier most people get pokemon on their own, so where does the idea of “starter pokemon” even come into that? It’s purely game talk.

[Poké Balls ]

One word.

[Markus looked at the Poké Balls, feeling foolish. How was he supposed to choose a Starter Pokémon based only on their species name? This decision could change his life, and he had no idea what to do. ]

Ask to see them. Come on, this is obvious.

[“Daniel, why don’t you take out some images of these Pokémon,” prompted Alexa, when Markus just stood, looking lost. ]

And god, you mean he didn’t even know what they looked like? He needs Daniel to show him pictures? Anyone should recognize them, let alone people actually interested in pokemon.

Also why doesn’t Alexa have any desire to talk to them? Her ability to chat so far has been used for nothing but meaningless accolades and a meaningless conversation.

[a sprout on it’s head ]

“It’s” is short for “it is”. “Its” is the possessive.

[Alexa looked at Daniel. “Do you want to go first?” she asked quietly, half-hoping that Daniel would make the decision about which Starter to take for her. ]

Why is she apparently incapable of having opinions? Also why is he getting a starter at all if he’s already a well-established trainer?

And then she too picks without seeing, let alone talking to her new pokemon..

Now one of the pokemon is comically attacking its new trainer. Not only is this trite but it’s exactly why anyone sane should have released them first before picking which they liked.

[ “Those Starly are out of control,” he called calmly to the other three, “Even a Michina won’t calm them. We will have no choice but to battle them, and I would suggest a pre-emptive strike before they arrive on this shore.” ]

If pokemon are of human intelligence or near it, they shouldn’t get enraged like dumb animals, nor should they need a particular type of person to magically calm them rather than responding to reason to the same degree as a person.

[Alexa realized the flaw in this strategy first. “Danny,” she called, blushing at the familiarity of the nickname, then thinking, I am about to be attacked by a huge mass of Starly, and I’m nervous about referring to a travelling companion to familiarly? “The Starly won’t be hurt by the Hex,” she pointed out, “A Ghost type can’t affect Normal type Pokémon like Starly.”
Daniel smiled slightly, “I just wanted to slow them down,” he explained]

Except if a move has no effect, then it wouldn’t slow them down because that’s an effect.

[ “Grandpa,” she began, “What I don’t understand about what happened today was why those Starly attacked us. I know that you think that it was all the noise we were making,” she continued, cutting off Rowan as he prepared to dive into his explanation again, “But whenever we go,” at this point Alexa gestured at her mother, Mrs. Trent, and Markus, “We make lots more noise than that, and I’ve seen that group of Starly before. They wouldn’t have attacked us if they didn’t have a very good reason ]

And yet it apparently didn’t occur to her to just ask them what the problem was.

So far, all her being able to understand pokemon has amounted to is plot holes.

Also, pokedexes appear to be full of set information, not something that relies on manually adding new data. And I don’t see why it’d have information that isn’t on a regular computer.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7881006/4/Sinnoh_Journey

[“I know, mom!” ]

When used in place of a name, it’s capitalized.

[“So?” asked Alexa, “The only stuff I know about Pokémon is what I see on holo-screen! ]

So how exactly did she learn to speak with them without interacting with them, and why wouldn’t she have wanted to talk to pokemon given she’s got that ability?

Write out numbers with letters.

[youngling]

Seriously, stop using this.

[“I thought that those Pokémon were myths,” Alexa yawned, leaning back in her seat, “Just fabrications by the Michina people to explain the weather using Pokémon.” The Michina were known to be the natives of the Nation, having lived there for a very long time before the Outsiders, as they were called after all of this time, came from the Warring Countries. ]

So a michina is just a race of people, who are somehow super special and can calm pokemon and speak their language except also it’s the name of the language and also that Alexa’s ability seems to be treated as unique. Every time the word appears it makes less sense.

[ “This is an upgrade which I forgot to place on your Pokédexes before I gave them to you. It is a new form of scanning technology that will allow you to monitor the status of an individual Pokémon, and will automatically register each of your Pokémon, with information such as their learned moves and skill levels.” ]

So they won’t even be paying this minimum of attention to their pokemon, they have a machine to do it for them.

[“Most Pokémon already have a name in their Michina,”

And another use of the word that doesn’t fit the previous ones.

Also is Alexa ever going to do things on her own? She sat through an entire conversation on naming pokemon and only asks her own pokemon’s name after being told they have one and that she should get permission before naming it anything.

[“Good point,” Daniel replied drily, obviously having forgotten this on purpose to give Rowan a reason to feel useful. ]

That seems like an apt summary of everything so far. It’s like this whole fic is stuck in tutorial level, with all the characters tripping over each other to explain things. No one already knows things or figures them out, instead one person announces it to the rest.

[Daniel told Inferno the names of all of his Pokémon, from Shadow to Freeze  ]

Why aren’t the pokemon telling each other their own names?

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7881006/5/Sinnoh_Journey

[“Keep them safe,” Rowan advised, looking worried, “Shelter them as long as possible from what we think might be happening.”]

See, that’s really boring in terms of a story, and if things are so awful even he can’t do anything to protect them, then most regular trainers without a superstar companion should be doomed.

…and, still in tutorial mode, now there’s a shared lecture about the importance of regular checkups and healing items. No one considers asking the pokemon how they feel, though.

[“I would recommend collecting all of the Pokémon on this route,” he told them, “Training with all of them will let you learn your battling style, and inform you on what Pokémon you should befriend next.” ]

And the inexplicable use of befriend as a synonym for capture now, even odder than usual given, again, one of them can understand pokemon.

And now you’re having the characters explain how battles work. Good god, why did all this seem like a good idea to you?

Conveniently, of course, the pokemon want to keep battling even when injured, and of course she doesn’t even respect that but decides for her pokemon to quit because she’s so terribly nice and prone to ignoring what others actually say they want.

[“We only catch Pokémon if we’ve received a permit,” Daniel explained, “Each Route in the Nation receives a quota of Pokémon which can be caught in the area at each solstice. A regulatory system must know how many and which types of Pokémon a trainer intends to catch.” ]

Like a lot of efforts to make the pokemon world make more sense, this does the opposite. If pokemon are real creatures and not program-generated, then they travel between areas on their own and people can’t know the exact composition. Also, if this is a real world and not a videogame, the routes aren’t the whole of the world, they’re just the particular paths between two cities, with plenty of pokemon habitat beyond them. Finally, if they’re sentient creatures, how does this system handle one deciding it’s taken a liking to a trainer and deciding to go with them?

This also doesn’t fit at all with Daniel’s casual bit about catching all the pokemon in the area, either, if there’s things in place to encourage trainers to not catch too many. And the system set up here doesn’t sound like it’d work at all with trainers having to decide in advance what pokemon they’ll get, and it’s ignoring the pressures of battling with pokemon as well as pokemon being released.

Your writing isn’t mechanically bad beyond a couple easily fixable issues, but this has the usual problems of OT fic. You do a good job of balancing multiple characters, but there’s no sign of why those characters are there in the first place. You have someone starting on a completely ordinary journey because of something something prophesy, resulting in five chapters of people talking to each other about how they know things about being a trainer. Absolutely nothing has actually happened. The closest has been some foreshadowing things in the natural world are getting weird, but the first chapter pretty much laid out that would be happening and why, so it’s not particularly interesting. One of your characters can talk to pokemon, but it has absolutely no impact on anything, not even something as basic as her behavior. Your pokemon themselves are nonentities even more than they are in the average trainerfic. And the famousness of the various characters has been completely irrelevant.

You really need to ask yourself about what’s actually necessary for the story you’re telling, as well as where that story starts. There’s no point in chapter upon chapter of tutorial info. There’s very little point in a superstar trainer whose sole purpose is to prevent the other two from running into problems when running into problems is what stories are about. If there is a point to a chosen one prophesy, I don’t see it yet.

And you really, really should rethink how you’re handling the pokemon. It’s pokemon fanfic, after all. Instead of making up an explanation for why they don’t mind being just called by their species like it’s their name, just have them not like it. Instead of having the trainers let them out because tutorial mode says it’s a good idea, have them actually display wants and personality of their own – and I don’t mean pulling something from the big hat of random cute pokemon antics and having one fall over and the other bite, actually personality like people. Instead of them being completely in favor of battling and immediately loyal to their trainers, give them their own opinions.

One of the things I really don’t understand about this fandom. For some reason, instead of learning from the thousands of OT fics’ mistakes, people seem to go out of their way to copy them.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8057244/1/Age_of_the_Wilds

All italics is hard to read. I can’t really make heads or tails of this otherwise, either. The main character is thinking it’s a shame the other immortals don’t like the gods, then fantasizes about how awesome the future world with the gods forgotten will be. Then it’s just listing what the different characters will do, followed by a lot of characters talking about other characters that don’t have any context to me. As far as I can tell, this seems like an extended setup to explain the present situation, but I can’t tell what of it’s the plot and what’s just detail. It seems excessive, but I can’t exactly be sure of that.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8003882/1/Gift_of_the_Protector_Fractured_Unity

[The sound of thunder woke me. The rain was flowing down the eves of my small apartment building in torrents and the brilliant flashes of lightning allowed me to see this periodically. Actually, I had not been able to stay asleep for the past few nights due to my mind racing. ]

Well, first off, usually your mind racing prevents you from falling asleep rather than waking you. And second, why the “actually”? The fact thunder woke them this time doesn’t really have to do with that. You could connect the two facts, but you didn’t.

…and now an extended tangent about the narrator’s dreams of pretty things. The style of this seems to be mimicking old writing, and, well, there’s a reason modern stuff is usually written differently, it’s because that kind of thing isn’t actually that great. It involves a lot of unnecessary chaff and it takes more work to read.

And indeed, this chapter wanders all over the place in the recounting. You may be able to justify this by saying that’s how this particular character would talk, but a narrator who doesn’t know how to tell a story is a bad choice of a narrator. From what I can make out, the summation is that the narrator lost a couple year’s memory and also is terrified of pokemon due to an attack, despite the attack erasing his memory which should mean he has no direct knowledge of what happened. And as usual with scared-of-pokemon characters, he’s scared of all of them exactly the same, rather than the pokemon species that attacked him, or pokemon in that general group, or those of the type capable of it. A person attacked by a dog might become afraid of more than one dog breed or even all large animals, but they generally don’t gain a phobia of sparrows, bunnies and earthworms along the way.

Speaking of which…

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

The idea of Silph as the corporation ruling the country is an interesting one, but you’ve just declared they’re inexplicably benevolent or at least sane in defiance of how corporations work. If the idea is to shove them and the government together, it’d make more sense to say Silph is a government-run company rather than the opposite.

[Since Pokemon were no longer necessary for profitable human industry the policy of protecting them became vital to prevent over-capturing or possibly extinction ]

“Since we no longer had reason to capture and use them as much as possible, it became important to make rules because otherwise people would capture and use them as much as possible”? Really, all your history summations are like this, they don’t really make much sense in terms of how events happen.

Okay, I’m really not seeing why you needed so much infodump here. You invented the idea of Silph’s total dominance and now you’re going on and on about how that’s impacted people historically, but how does this matter? And if it does matter because it’ll be coming up, then you shouldn’t need to explain every bit of it right now because it’ll come up and you can explain whatever matters then.

[“Ah, you must be Chris,” a man’s voice, deep yet sophisticated, startled me. ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” he said or “Hello!” he said, never “Hello.” He said or “Hello.” he said or “Hello,” He said or “Hello” he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, in which case it’s written as “Hello.” He grinned, never “Hello,” he grinned or “Hello,” He grinned or “Hello.” he grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” he said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” he said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” he said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” he said, “is it.” If there’s no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like “Hi. This – ” He looked around. “- is it.” And the same punctuation and capitalization applies to thoughts.

Also, “yet” generally means a contrast, but there’s no reason sophisticated voices would generally not be deep.

[ I smiled as I looked at my new Pokemon intensely. The fear was gone. I felt comfortable. I was no longer afraid because here I was flooding myself with interaction. ]

…so he’s just good with it suddenly? Then what’s the point of emphasizing that he’s terrified of every last pokemon?

[She nodded, “Fascinating. Although I am curious, where did you obtain your results from?” Lorelei questioned.]

Just use said. Really, really just use said.

And now he’s finally explaining what the narration’s been dancing around, but it’s to someone who should already know this stuff. You could easily have cut all the internal narration preceding this, then had him fill the reader in now when it came up in conversation, rather than all the narration followed by him explaining it in dialogue.

[Ah yes, I had thought about getting it removed. The problem is that it is certainly anchored in, attached even. In two years time, the bone grew around and into it, just as much as it had dug into the bone. Point is, there’s no pulling it out. So I thought about getting it chopped off instead down to its base. However, it would be far too dangerous to saw off given the close proximity to my internal organs. I have my heart and blood vessels all right there. If it shook too much due to some operation trying to saw it down, the vibrations might cause a rupture in one of my pulmonary arteries or whatever is behind the sternum bone. ]

…so it’s better to have it sticking out to catch on anything and be jostled? This is really not how people do medicine. They’d have taken it out or if that was absolutely impossible, cut off the outer part.

[ I said, I had mild amnesia from the explosion and don’t recall the events leading up to it. ]

It really seems like straight up amnesia, nothing mild about it.

Basically, this could really stand to be pared way, way down. You cover everything just with him getting his pokemon and chatting with the other professor, yet that’s more than halfway through the chapter. Everything before that is just ramble. And even the second half has extremely wordy, unnatural dialogue that should really be edited down into something smoother.

I do find the setup for your character interesting – the amnesia is handled differently than the usual forgetting everything except possibly a name, and they have something of an original and justifiable reason for their fear, even if making it fear of all pokemon is rather cliché (probably would fit better to say he was more broadly nervous after going through something like that and just extra jumpy around pokemon, and have the journey be more about stepping out of his comfort zone to try to get used to things again rather than focused on just pokemon.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8003882/2/Gift_of_the_Protector_Fractured_Unity

Huh. Well, the writing”s improved a great deal, though it could still stand to be tightened a bit, and the dialogue remains unnatural. His interaction with his charmander was really cute and well done.

The battle…he had a major disadvantage and didn’t think to try to train, we have a death right off the bat despite it making little sense for pokemon training to have a high death toll, and then whatever was going on with his sudden inexplicable abilities. And yet, he’s just told to keep collecting badges – on his journey that was just supposed to be some self-help indulgence thing for him, and despite everyone claiming pokemon are their friends that they care about. No one ever seems to react to this the way even the average pet owner would. And a gym leader casually covering it all up.

Think this one could be pretty good with editing, but as is I can’t quite recommend it.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8045341/1/Every_Little_Girl

This fic!

Your bit about Wren reading the book about the fox and the hounds was beautiful setup that really does feel like the sort of thing she’d have done, and the freakish theme of the capital for glorifying what this set of tributes did seems exactly like what they’d do.

And it’s great to see someone actually reacting to the replays and Wren already aware of how horribly fucked up everything was, and

[I don’t unfold myself until the playback ends. The dents in the skin on my arm are deep and dark red-purple, and I feel a little bit calmer just looking at them.
“All right?” Caesar asks gently. I nod, and he breaks into an enormous grin. “Splendid! So, why don’t you tell us all a little about your winning strategy?”]

And Caesar is so, so horrible. And this is probably something he’d done over and over by now – probably lots of the tributes break down in unattractive ways, and when it’s over he prompts them so the cameras can keep rolling for the interview section, just like he keeps everything else on message. And then Rue and her cake…this is the sort of deep awfulness to just wallow in for a bit.

[I think that they’ll be more likely to let me keep my promise to Katniss if I make it part of their moral: that there’s only so much to go around, and cooperation will always cost us dearly. ]

Also good job of making sense of how childmurder games serve any useful purpose.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8045341/2/Every_Little_Girl

Ah, casual awfulness from the capital folks and drunken suppressed everything from her poor mentor and who knows what Rue’s imagining might be going on. Is keeping them apart and taking the napkin just a matter of there being rules and no one caring enough to bend them, or a sign they’d like the whole friendship business to end as soon as possible?

And poor Wren beating herself up. Sure she didn’t, but at least she wanted to.

[ Miss Ardell is fourteen. The legal drinking age is eighteen.” ]

There is definitely something blackly perfect about the age for sex slavery being below the age for drinking, and the age for murder games being below both. These are people who took a good look at their priorities.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8045341/3/Every_Little_Girl

Aw. At least everyone at home’s glad to see her. And hey, her mentor’s nice enough to warn her against kids.

[“‘Fox ears,’ maybe?” Cornelius said, carding it so roughly I thought he might pull it out of my scalp. “Bit of a dog face. She won’t ever be pretty, not without more surgery than we have time for. We could manage cute like a puppy, so let’s aim for that.” ]

That is a level of unexpected horror.

[“She said she dropped a hatch on it.”
“She did — five times, before she was dragged away screaming.”]

oh god and she first said she got hurt trying to beat up a girl her size for being awful to Wren. Trauma and self-hatred for everyone, I see.