NaRe 2018 Day 1 (16)

Ah, it’s reviewing time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782274/1/Ryder-s-Fear

And we’re off to a great start, as I am blocked! May this all go by so easily.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782291/1/Z-Riders-The-Alolan-Chronicles

[And I just thought that since I already have a Sentai/Pokémon fanfic, why not make a Kamen Rider version]

If this is a crossover, it should be listed as a crossover and not a pure Pokemon fic.

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes.

[Inside, a worried man in a white uniform and beret, walks into a large room filled with various devices and technology.]

[“Faba,” softly said the woman.]

[The man slammed his hands on the console in frustration, ripping his goggles off.]

Your sentences are really wonky. I’d really recommend a beta reader.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Oh, Doctor Blaire, it’s magnificent!” Lusamine exclaimed with glee. “I can’t wait for our plans to finally come to fruition. With an army of Ultra-Synthoids like this, we’ll be able to conquer all of Alola… and the rest of the world! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”]

It’s really disappointing when villains with original reasons to be evil get their personalities yanked out so they can do something super boring instead. If you want her to conquer Alola, she should be doing that because she thinks it’ll help her accomplish her actual goal of finding Nebby or another cosmog.

[around 5’8 ]

If you’re giving height down to the inch, it’s not really “around” so much as “exactly”.

[“Sammy! Sammy, stop! That tickles!” he laughed.]

[“Alola, Leilani! Alola… Kaikane,” the elderly woman spoke.]

You’ve largely got dialogue right, but “laughed” isn’t a way you say words, so it’s not a speech tag. Neither is “spoke”, you want regular “said”. So:

[“Sammy! Sammy, stop! That tickles!” He laughed.]

[“Alola, Leilani! Alola… Kaikane.” The elderly woman spoke (slowly? Happily? Whatever else should go here to complete the thought).]

[Kai fished around in his pockets and pulled out Sammy’s Poké Ball. He knew the small pup didn’t like being inside the small sphere, but it was way too dangerous for the Pokémon to be outside.

“Sammy, return!” he cried out. The ball opened and sucked the shocked Pokémon inside of it. Kai placed the ball back inside his pocket and started hauling ass down the road. The monster, however, wasn’t letting up. It started firing multiple blasts of blazing flames at Kai, who was doing his best to dodge the attack. Despite his best efforts, Kai couldn’t dodge all the fiery blasts, and ended up getting knocked to the ground. The monster landed on the ground, looming over the defeated humans. Kai was out of options. There was nowhere to run… so it was time to fight! Kai sprung up and swung a right hook, but the blow easily bounced off the monster’s dense hide.]

So…in what way is this even a crossover? He doesn’t even attempt to use his rockruff against the monster, he’s acting like it’s just a pet dog. And somehow all these other people who’ve been attacked also don’t have pokemon. And everyone seems to have no idea how to deal with some sort of roving elemental monster that spits fire. Kamen-Rider-but-I-changed-dog-to-rockruff belongs over in Kamen Rider, not here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782388/1/Sewing

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Speaking of said, nice word, doesn’t bite, way less distracting than everyone stating/chirping/gasping nonstop.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Finally, this is boring and pointless. If you’re struggling to get something posted for the holiday, DON’T. No one will mind that a good story is posted on any other day of the year, while no one needs to see a half-baked bad one just because it’s January 1st.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782530/1/Beyond-the-Stars

[ Short drabble,]

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short-ish you threw together.

[“I got to know every single Pokémon if I want to be a good Trainer!” Rose explained as she tried to seek out more Pokémon to her view. “Just like you and mommy!”]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Also blocked! Dare I hope it’ll be efficient to actually check?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782691/1/Pokémon-a-new-legend-unfolds

Capitalize your title properly.

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782707/1/Pokemon-Reset-Bloodlines-Red-One-Island-Interlude

[IF you do not read Reset, there will be things that confuse you. Hopefully beyond that the story is still good, even as it is part of the greater Reset narrative.]

Yeah, this continues to not be true.

Could you guys organize or something? Maybe make a shared account to post all the sidestories as different chapters instead of continually spamming the main category with stuff that’s fanfic of a fanfic, or post over on archiveofourown dot org where you could make Reset its own sub-category?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782780/1/Whitefur

Blocked! Ah, it does pay off. I’m not sure if this will remain true or if it’s just that people trying to post on January 1st are more likely to have been doing so for a while.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782797/1/Holidays-in-Cerulean-City

Ditto!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782854/1/Adventure-in-Infin-Female-and-Longer-Choice

[I started this so I could have a feel for if I did make the Infin Region a pokemon fan game. I plan to make it third person, like most pokemon games seem to do. If some does decide to make this a fan game, please make sure to say that I came up with the Infin region and most of the characters! I say most because some characters like Eris and Ceres are mine, but someone that will appear later belongs to others. I’ll be doing two versions of this, one with the male character and the other with the female character. This is the female character one. Also, there is a choice after first gym, so I’ll be able to do both choices. This one will be the longer choice of the two. ]

…this doesn’t sound well thought out.

Are there going to be massive differences between picking a boy and picking a girl? Because that’s generally poor game design for a blank-slate RPG game like Pokemon, but if they’re mostly similar than writing the same thing twice with slight changes is a poor writing decision. Similarly, if there are a couple distinct points of difference, like a binary choice, in an otherwise identical game, writing all the way up to that point twice is a bad idea. If you want to script out a game for people to play, do that. It’s a very different skill than writing a story for people to read, and what works best for one can be terrible in another.

[A Cloudeon, a flying type evolution of Eevee, ran up the stairs with its smiling cloud as its current tail. It came to a stop, the smiling cloud tail coming to be the cloud that Cloudeon sits on.]

…continuing in that vein, this is a horrible description of your fakemon. If your main goal was to write about fakemon in an entirely text story, you need to spend way more time thinking about how to describe everything properly. If you’re making a game, that’d a complete waste of your time when what matters is the game’s visuals.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

And while you could get away with it in a game…it’s still a cliché there. Think about why a game designer does this. What point does it serve, what are the pros and cons? Often it’s about trying to ease someone brand-new into the world, which is why it’s not such a good choice for a fangame either.

[a few Infinan Meowths chasing it. Infinan Meowths are gray with a black, spiked tail.]

Another poor decision would be taking one of the dozen pokemon who just got an alt region form and giving them a third form instead of taking one of the hundreds who don’t have any alt forms and giving them one.

[Anyways, which one will you choose?” Professor Nick asked. “The grass Sinnoh starter, Turtwig, the fire Alola starter, Litten, or the water Kanto starter, Squirtle?”]

Why doesn’t their region have its own starters?

[You got Turtwig! Would you like to nick name you Pokemon? Yes -No Turtwig as been added your

party.]

Seriously, if all you want to do is script a game and not write a fanfic, then script the game instead of half-assing both the script and the fanfic together.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783123/1/The-Forgotten-One

A badly formatted bio description of how crappy a sue your character will be is not a story and should not be posted as a chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783133/1/Elemental-War

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it’s too close to ” and some people use it for spoken dialogue, so it makes it look like your characters are saying their thoughts aloud. Just italics will work fine.

[The battle hosted by the legendaries every century always proved to be the main event overshadowed by none.]

This is a less-is-more situation. What other events are even in the running? The way you write this just makes me wonder what incredibly awesome other stuff must be going on constantly that you needed to tell us that the eighteen world-destroying doom monsters war managed to always get more attention. Just saying the legendaries hosted a once-a-century war would be fine. That it’s a big deal was understood given they’re giant world-destroying doom monsters.

[Those chosen were praised and respected for their strength and courage, though only one will come out alive as the seventeen others are brutally killed off.]

Next, if they’re “chosen” and not volunteers, that’s not necessarily a sign they’re brave. If they’re getting /picked for/ their courage, then say that – “The people were chosen because they were respected for their strength and courage…” etc. Now, if you mean chosen to just be a term for a special person getting a pile of cool powers and not for being chosen, then, well, you really need to use a different term in the opening when it’s talking about the legendaries hosting it.

And this is why this is really not a good opening. You should be focused on setting up the situation – who are these people? Are we looking at a bunch of people forced to do this, is the cast made up of people who were tempted by the wish the winner gets and threw themselves at the chance, were some people willing but others picked because there was no one else suitable? Did people consciously want this or is it a subconscious thing? This is the start point of your fic. What sort of people and what sort of a situation is going to define everything to come. You should open by telling readers this instead of skipping it and saying everyone’s in evacuated Goldenrod ready to Hunger Games it up.

Next, why the hell Goldenrod? Picking the biggest city with the most displaced people and most expensive infrastructure and the most hazardous material once it’s leveled is literally the worst possible choice. Is it incredibly bad luck that the legendaries pick locations at random? Do the legendaries intentionally pick the biggest human city each time because they’re assholes who want to pack as much terror and misery into this?

[Whitney was but a frail girl, unsuited for such a tournament, the coaxing placed upon her had taken full advantage of her foolishness and naivety. She was told to be the representative to fight for peace, to be the one to lead by example for the greater good. As such, she played as the competition’s pacifist, a role that the Normal representative usually received due to the nature of the pokémon they were associated with.]

Whitney may be a crybaby but she’s a crybaby who cries because she didn’t get to beat your pokemon up, not a wilting violet who hates violence. This comes off as if you ignored her actual personality out of the sexist belief that of course the girl is a stupid pacifist coward.

And however little you think of normal types, no, they have absolutely nothing to do with being pacifists. Normal types are generalist tanks and include such pokemon as persian, tauros, ursaring, slaking, exploud, zangoose, purugly, and gumshoos… If there had to be a “peace” type, grass might be closest. It’s still a terrible choice, but at least they have a moveset full of incapacitating and similar options and plants are more harmed by sudden disruptions so it’d make slight sense they’d be voting for stability.

Nor does it make sense to trick her into this. If people actually want a win here, then why screw yourself over by tricking someone unsuitable for it? And if people don’t care, why bother?

[But such a role almost never won. How could one win a war without fighting? Words of peace mean little to the others, as they all tunnel and kill for the one promised wish.

“Almost never” means it has won, which, given eighteen types, means that if this war has been going on for two thousand years, then either all types have won once and it’s doing about as badly as all the others who won only once or others win more often but it’s won at least once compared to others that have won none at all. In a fight with eighteen competitors, everyone’s going to lose most of the time. In order for this to mean anything – well, modern human society is about six thousand years old. So assuming legendaries have been picking humans since we were sitting in huts and considering this whole “crops” business, and assuming everyone else won equally, then it’s possible that most of them got three, a few got four, and pacifism got one over this time, making them slightly worse at winning than the rest, who merely lost about 95% of tournaments compared to their 98%.

Look – I get that it can feel soothing to put everything into neat little boxes, but the idea there’s a designated role for each person to play on top of the type thing isn’t just absurd, it’s bad writing. It means no one’s here as themself. A person trying to do this as a pacifist is really interesting! They’re making a moral choice and they’re going to be tempted to go against their ideals. A regular person who someone else branded PACIFIST on their back before they realized what happened, so they happen to be screwed over? Not so much.

[The girl looked back up at her, smiling in return, receiving a reassuring grin from Whitney. However, the child’s next words placed her on edge as her tone switched to one of impossible, inhumane, cruelty.

“Representative of Ghosts, killing through deceit.”]

Seriously. If they’re not people but just a bunch of different MMO classes engaging in a battle royale, who cares?

[It was the line unique to every participant that must be said before commencing battle with another, the rule having been instated to prevent the abundance of silent killings in the past.]

And the reason anyone cared about silent killings was…? Or even knew about it given nobody else is there and only one person survives regardless…?

And now a ghost moves are ripping her up because I guess you forgot normal types had immunity to that.

[Within the sphere, Whitney held a face of concentration as her wounds began to heal and her cut clotted, using her typing’s niche to its fullest potential. ]

Also, the only regular normal type who can use recover is porygon. Everyone else is a different type, so it’s really not their specialty. Grass has more claim to this and psychic has more claim to how you actually write the battle of throwing up barriers and getting mauled by ghost moves.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783288/1/You-promised-you-wouldn-t-laugh

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

In terms of plot, I think it needs a better idea of what it’s meant to be about. If it’s just Serena, then we don’t need to cut to the other tent, it should be focused on her and better setting up the situation and working it into everything. Or if it’s that the theme is embarrassment and that’s why the other characters are so prominent, right now you have Serena get embarrassed twice over things that are really different scales, Bonnie get embarrassed once in a completely different way that’s more about bravery, and Ash and Clement avoid it entirely, so it really should be spread out more evenly if you want to have all four of them be prominent. And if the reason it’s the girls and not the boys getting embarrassed is just because kink, then I’m going to go back to suggesting more focus on Serena and getting rid of the Bonnie and Clement stuff.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783331/1/The-Beginning

[I am Clara the Espeon. The name means “the beautiful”.]

Uh, no, it doesn’t. There are some names where it isn’t obvious what the name meaning is so it’s more plausible when you say whatever, but Clara, clarity, clear. It also means bright. The actual meaning’s really way better for an espeon than her looking pretty.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

And speaking of said, that’s the word that goes after talking, not “spoke”. “Spoke” should only be used when you’re talking about how someone spoke in a separate sentence and never attached directly to dialogue.

I’m not sure if they managed to find an especially terrible baby name site that claimed that was what Clara means or if they just know names can have meanings other than the literal sounds so you can say it’s really whatever.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783389/1/Five-Years-The-Fight-For-Redemption

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Don’t switch between first person viewpoints. If you want to hop characters mid-chapter, that’s what third person is for.

[Timeskip (to the graveyard)Still Calem’s P.o.V]

Especially don’t do this. Write things out properly.

It’s hilarious how much shorter and less gushing Ash’s tombstone is compared to your character’s. You even added underlining so he got more formatting than Ash too.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“Fuck, only 12 bullets” I say to myself.]

So is there a reason we’re using boring guns and not pokemon?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783412/1/What-happened

[This is a little update. Nothing to do with a actual Fanfiction story apart from explaining why a few recently disappeared off my account.]

Then it’s not fanfic and doesn’t belong here.

Also, kid, either post your pornfic or don’t post your pornfic, but telling people to ask you, a twelve year old kid, for pornography is upgrading this all the way to probably illegal.

WHY

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783443/1/Return-to-Alola

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor. Or kahuna.

Write out numbers with letters.

This isn’t the slowest paced thing I’ve seen, and I appreciate how the battle’s glossed over and you only say what’s needed, but at the same time…you’re having her walk around to say hi to people, but nothing’s actually changed with them. Her mom is still there. Her room is the same. Hau is the same. Kukui is the same. And it seems like she’s the same. All this stuff is what everyone would assume is true after the game. Maybe not the exact details of which region she went to or which other league she beat, but that she’s generally a successful trainer. There’s no sign the things you’re spending time on in this chapter are setting up for the rest of the story. They seem to just be here because they’re facts you know must be true, but if we started the story after all of them, well, like I said, they’re all what everyone assumes is true anyway. The only exception to that is that you explain tons of people have legendary pokemon now, and saying there’s nothing too special about legendaries and they’re just on the team of the various regional player characters is the opposite of an interesting addition.

Now, it could work to open with her coming back and seeing everyone/everything she left, but it needs to be talking about the differences. Either her room changes or she changes, but [ For that matter, she hadn’t changed her room’s layout since she was 11. But even though Moon was 15 now, looking around the room she felt it was still perfect.]? Then why bring it up at all? If nothing changes and nothing needs to change, you don’t need to tell people that everything’s still normal. Hau’s fifteen now too, and we end the game with him saying he’s going to work harder and take this seriously, but he reacts to getting his butt kicked by Moon the same as ever and there’s no sign of him doing anything else with his time but the same fooling around as always.

[Moon laughed and nodded. “So I beat the Elite Four, and, well, I already battled Red and Blue here in Alola, so…”

Kukui chuckled quietly. “So you’re the strongest trainer in two regions. Probably all of them, in fact.”

“I doubt that,” argued Moon. She knew she was a good trainer, but she also knew she wasn’t invincible.]

Or here either. No change. She’s beaten some really powerful people, and she isn’t even curious about if how well she might do if she keeps going or having any ambition to get better.

The only thing that even hints there’s anything else to come is that Lillie’s still missing, which is a same as usual thing but since it’s the only non-good part it’s probably going to change, and that you end with her mom being slightly more relieved to have her return than normal, and [Moon told her mother where she’d been and then was off to sleep, thinking for a moment about how relieved her mom sounded.] barely means anything – it could just be her mom really missed her and is worried she won’t stay long. And that’s the very end of your chapter! You’ve spent the entire first chapter, the thing that’s supposed to be establishing what new thing is going to happen, explaining how normal and fine and just like it always is that everything is.

8 Comments

  1. Septentrion says:

    [Why doesn’t their region have its own starters?]

     

    This seems like arbitrary complaint. Maybe the author just didn’t think they could make better starters.

    I remember having a region which doesn’t have starters institutionalized. I was avoiding fakemons, though.

    1. Farla says:

      If they can’t make better starters it calls into question their ability to make fakemon. Also, in that case I think the better design policy would be to offer up all of the previous regional starters – if someone’s just played SuMo and always picks the fire starter, having that be the only option in another game set in another region is annoying.

      Really, why even go the other region route if you aren’t interested in starters and barely have any fakemon, but your setting is a generic backdrop and your plot points are just going to the professor yet again? There’s nothing here.

      1. Septentrion says:

        It doesn’t seem to be mainly a fakemon-fic like Clouded Sky. That would be more work for making a fangame anyways, although I doubt any work has gone toward making the game.

        Also, she overuses the word “person” like she was avoiding words like man and woman.

        1. Farla says:

          It doesn’t, but that’s what I’m criticizing. Either go the fakemon route or don’t. Two new pokemon make it obvious this isn’t so much about fakemon as it is a couple special sue pokemon.

          “Person”‘s probably because they’re trying to write gender neutral because you can pick a boy or a girl. I’m pretty sure all the odder problems stem from the game aspect.

          1. Septentrion says:

            I think the person thing might be a CTRL-F replacement for NPC. This level of stiltedness doesn’t seem human.

             

            I don’t think fakemon should be so compartmentalized. Of course, having the entire first paragraph devoted to a fakemon was bad form if fakemon aren’t primary to the story.

            The fakemon thing is likely more of an side-effect of it being a region-fic. When I started my region fic, I felt obligate to have fakemon-legendaries despite not having regional starters. I had a gimmicks, characters, geography, but ultimately had zero plot. There was no delusions about creating a game out of it though.

            1
  2. Raven says:
    There are a lot of fan-made pokemon games that just use other regions’ starters instead of fakemon, but most fan-made pokemon games I’ve seen that included fakemon also had their own original starters, so I don’t know what he was thinking.

     

    Boy is it weird seeing someone portraying Whitney as this weepy shrinking violet.  In the corner of the fandom I hang out in (the Nuzlocke part), she’s the stuff of nightmares.

    1. Farla says:

      The Whitney thing comes up once in a blue moon. I think it’s people who didn’t actually play the game so they only know that she cries afterward and not that her miltank flattens your pokemon into bloody paste the first time around. And given this author doesn’t seem to even know how types work…

  3. Hinebras says:

    [And I just thought that since I already have a Sentai/Pokémon fanfic, why not make a Kamen Rider version]

    Not sure if something like a sentai would work in a writing format, I mean, there is so much action, colors and exlosions over there that it seems better fit for a visual media.

    “…instead of taking one of the hundreds who don’t have any alt forms and giving them one.”

    Right. I would rather see pokes like a water-fire wailord or a ghost-dark shuckle.

    Whitney may be a crybaby but she’s a crybaby who cries because she didn’t get to beat your pokemon up, not a wilting violet who hates violence.

    The author’s interpretation is more offensive to me personally, when in my first playing of the Gold version she kept wrecking my team (and it was still pretty tough nowadays in my play of the Crystal). I never saw her as a weakling, more like the shape of evil.

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