NaRe 2018 Day 10 (11)

A SYOC pops up, a pokemon trainer claims monsters aren’t real, gijinka are boring, and Kukui hands out starters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792159/1/Pokemon-Adventures-Book-1-Turquoise-Jasper-Ammolite

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The trainer frowned. A monster in Lake Verity? Too farfetched for his taste. Powerful pokémon never lingered along the lakefront, so the merchants told him. The most dangerous any trainer encountered was a choleric gyarados!]

Uh…not sure gyarados is the best one to go with here, choleric or not. Maybe use goldeen or psyduck? A goldeen popping out of the surface to watergun some kid is just plausible as something that the kid could be shouting over. Also, then “not lingering” doesn’t mean they don’t exist, just that they only come in for a short period – and, given it’s a lake, they’re still in that one lake the whole time.

[There’s no such thing as monsters, he scoffed]

Similarly there totally are monsters, because that’s what all pokemon are. You can’t use just a generic fantasy “no such thing as monsters” bit. If the kid was describing a specific creature that matched no known pokemon, then he might scoff there’s no such thing as (that specific description) and even then, given how many pokemon there are and how weird they get, it’d still seem rather forced.

It’s reasonable for someone not to believe there’s an awesome pokemon right outside their home, but the points of disbelief would be that such pokemon don’t live there normally (as opposed to don’t linger in one spot while they move around in the general area), that startled kids are notoriously bad sources for what actually happened, and/or that the specific description sounds implausible for any pokemon (or, sounds suspiciously like an ordinary pokemon the kid is exaggerating).

[Though, his hopes weren’t high. Twinleaf Town rarely produced capable trainers, “The boy speaks truth if only misguided,” The trainer blinked. ]

What? You really need a beta reader.

[ Paxton had the sneaky suspicion this had something to do with him. “Tell me, young one. What has brought you to this town?”

This had to be a trick question. No trainers came to this town without one goal in mind. A common decision amongst trainers to explore supposed mystical hotspots.

A rite of passage.

“To see the lake guardian with my own eyes,” So why did the words leave his mouth? What compelled him to answer such an obvious question? “And start my journey with an adventure.”]

…so the entire reason he came here was to see it, but we spent the opening of the story with him a bored skeptic “scoffing” at the idea of anything even slightly cool there because……….?

[(Fomantis.) Kiri nodded and pointed her arm.]

Why are you using parenthesis for spoken words? It’s one thing to try to indicate you’re translating speech, but this is not only pointless, it’s just straight up wrong – Kiri is saying that dialogue normally.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792171/1/Two-of-Rose

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes.

On top of that? Tournaments are the most boring type of story already. It is incredibly hard at the best of times to make them interesting.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ The man muttered in a reminiscent tone, losing his train of thought as his fingers lost themselves in the soft fur of the cat’s pelt. Liepard, lean and limber as she was, stretched momentarily, yielding to his touch. A moment or two passed, and she became nervous at the constant stimulation. She gently swatted his hand away when it seemed that he had no awareness of how long it had been there.]

I do like your description of cat behavior, though.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792449/1/Fragmented-Souls

[(Part of my fanfic called Lost Fragments. AU – Modern Setting)]

Then it belongs in that fanfic, not posted separately.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792566/1/Pokemon-The-Dawn-Of-A-New-Adventure

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Your first chapter should really be more than your character summarizing their life. Things should actually happen instead of just set up for something to maybe happen sometime later.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792599/1/Stuck-in-His-Own-World

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Eh. This doesn’t really add much. Half of it is him repeating what he already did, then he turns into a different, ordinary person who abruptly regrets everything.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792691/1/Moon-Rises-An-Ultra-Moon-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

[The Professor then called out the Pokémon out of their Pokéballs.]

If you hate how Alola did this differently from every other region so much, why not just use any other region?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792727/1/Pokemon-Alter-Egos

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792797/1/What-s-Left

Repost and slight edit of something I already reviewed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792834/1/Pokemon-Gijinka-Tales-Sandshrew-and-Suicune

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[They pulled off their hood and brushed aside their cloak, revealing the headdress and robes of a Suicune. “My name is Eloise,” they said, “and I was called here to your town. I believe that this matter is the reason. Please take me to this pool of water and I will cleanse it.”]

I think this is the problem in a nutshell. The story is just he notices a problem and then it gets fixed without any actual problems to overcome. There’s someone who has the exact power to instantly fix it and also apparently the power to know they need to be there. Then they walk around to fix it. The outcome is never in doubt – a couple muk are obviously not going to be a match for her, and if they were they’d just get the rest of the town up here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792870/1/Mysteries-for-Forever

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792912/1/Pokemon-Nyctophobia

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[She sighed again. “I want to grow sweet berries, you know: Mago Berries. But the Starly are going to just eat them up once they’re fully grown so it will be just useless.”

After a moment of thinking, Lucas snapped his fingers. “I got it! You just spray some Repels on the saplings.”

Angela looked him. “Wouldn’t that make them not safe to eat?”

Lucas shook his head. “Repels are now made where the chemicals are safe to eat so it should be fine. Plus, the stronger the Repel the longer the effect lasts, so I think a simple Repel should keep those pesky birds out of the way.”

Angela smiled and ruffled her son’s hair. “You’re such a good boy. Sometimes I wonder where you get your smarts from.” Then she laughed. Oh right, you get them from me!”]

Quite the opposite. The fact she can’t work out something so simple and he thinks this is a big thing to work out make them both sound like idiots.

If repels used to be toxic, then a new formula should be enormous news. And it’s really implausible there ever was one single repel formula by one company, or that it’d somehow be so toxic that washing it off food wasn’t an option but spraying it all over yourself over and over is fine.

If you want to write a story where characters have problems and then figure out clever solutions, you need to spend more than a split second yourself on thinking those up.

[Since I’m sort of new, I was having trouble deciding which the first chapter of the stories I had, which is why I need your help. I created a poll on my profile where you could vote for this story or a Majora’s Mask Story, the first chapter of which I already posted. Cast your vote for either one of this you want me to continue.]

Or you could consider that writing based on which gets votes over which one you’d prefer to write is a recipe for disaster.

The whole “hey, have you considered using (blindingly obvious game element)???” thing comes up an awful lot.

One Comment

  1. illhousen says:

    I think you’ve missed a day.

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