NaRe 2018 Day 11 (11)

“The reason I showed you pikachu first despite him being angry at all humans is that this pokemon only has one more evolution ahead of him. The pikachu was the second evolution and therefore has more potential to grow. This pokemon might peak soon in strength, but he still has many more moves to learn.”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12793143/1/Tales-of-Silence

[People around the town lives quietly, everyone goes to work, the kids to study and the elderly stays at home. ]

Your opening sentence should not have multiple errors in it. “live” and “stay”, if the kids and elderly don’t go to work then “everybody” doesn’t go to work, and “the kids to study” just makes no sense.

Don’t center all your text, it’s infuriating to read.

Spellcheck.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12793656/1/Misfits

[And so, perhaps for the first time in his life, he had started to study.]

Oh. All that stuff in the opening wasn’t worldbuilding or characterization, it was just you trying to maneuver into position for swapping out canon Ash with your smarter better OC named Ash, instead of just writing the character you obviously want to be and being done with it. That does explain why they were so plodding.

[But Ash didn’t want a charmander or a squirtle for his starter. No, he wanted a bulbasaur.

They were rather weak with attack and defense at the start]

…they’re the one the game flat out tells you to pick because they’re the easiest starter. And if you’re looking at stats, they outdo charmander in both defense stats and are a point higher than squirtle in special defense as well, plus they’ve got better HP than either. Offensively, they’re better at special attack than charmander or squirtle and better at physical attack than squirtle. For that matter, they have the highest base stat total of the three starters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[But the charmander… it was wild. I’ve never seen anything like it, and it nearly torched down my lab on the first day ]

I do like this explanation for why Oak is out of pokemon when he knew Ash would be showing up…

…but that just makes [“So.” Professor Oak sighed. “He’s a bit hard to handle, that’s for sure, but he’s a powerful pokemon that has a lot of moves that can help you greatly. Will you take him?”] make no sense. You just established your world doesn’t hand out unstable violent pokemon as starters. And you don’t even want Ash to have the pikachu! Why, if the point is for Oak to hand over an ekans, did you waste time and wreck what you’d just established just to include an event everyone’s already bored with? It’s not like you’re doing it because you care so much about canon, because in canon, Oak explicitly says the only reason he’s offering an exceptionally bad-tempered pikachu is because he has absolutely nothing else but your Oak just goes and gets another, way more suitable pokemon, and I guess intentionally chose to offer a walking electrocution hazard first because ???

[“The reason I showed you pikachu first despite him being angry at all humans is that this pokemon only has one more evolution ahead of him. The pikachu was the second evolution and therefore has more potential to grow. This pokemon might peak soon in strength, but he still has many more moves to learn.”]

Oh good, a non-answer that brings up so many other questions as to bury the first. So a charmander having two evolutions to go isn’t enough to make up for its anger issues, but pikachu being able to evolve once more is completely different than ekans being able to also evolve once, because a pikachu already evolved before, and that means it has so much more untapped potential.

[He reared up even higher, falling still. His tail danced lightly, mouth popping open. He began to trill softly.

Ash frowned. “Isn’t that a pidgey’s-”

“Yes. Ekans have learned to mimic pidgey noises to attract them for food, and I’ve guessed that it probably means he’s hungry. Now, for you to catch him.”]

What’s most disappointing is the few times you’re not trying to force things to have something to do with the anime opening, the bits that are actually yours are really good Unfortunately the bits that aren’t are so astoundingly awful this can’t even begin to make up for it. Seriously, pikachu being totally different because it has precisely the same number of evolutions left? What the hell.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12793882/1/Pokemon-Academy-Preparations-SYOC

This is someone who’s made quite a lot of these. That it’s a bad idea has been said before, that a chapter can’t be just a submission sheet has been said before, etc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794204/1/The-Lost-Region

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794215/1/A-New-Adventure

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794369/1/Growing-Up-Together-Brendan-and-May

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue

is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The young brunette crossed her arms saying sassily “I don’t want to be friends with no stinking boy”. Her mother slightly chuckled motioning for the girl to follow her in into the dining room for breakfast. She had made sure to make extras today since she knew her daughter had a large appetite. She also had to make sure that she made a large lunch for not only her family but for the family that would be visiting later today. She had heard from Lisa Birch that their son had the appetite of a Snorlax coming out of hibernation. The sounds of loud munching stopped her train of thought before playfully scolding her daughter. “May how many times do I have to tell you to chew with your mouth closed! Geez you won’t get any boys to fall for you if they see eating like that”.]

This kind of this is less “playful” and more “oppressively sexist” where whether or not the girl has any interest, everything she is matters only in what a guy might think of it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794561/1/Pokémon-Dawn-Dusk

There’s several fics with this exact title, all equally meaningless at telling what the story is actually about.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Legendary Pokémon should not be trapped or confined by trainers,” she explained. “Many of them serve important roles in how the fabric of our very universe operates. For instance, Dialga—see here in the ruins? It’s this one—controls time. If an overly ambitious trainer somehow managed to capture Dialga and wielded its power, he could potentially stop all time. Forever.”]

Only in that case, how exactly would the trainer manage? And if trainers can manage it, how has no one accidentally the entire universe yet? It’s reasonable for legendary captures to have consequences, but the idea they’re universe-ending is implausible every way you look at it.

[ “Smart boy,” she rewarded him, offering a Rare Candy in exchange for listening to her. ]

For christ’s sake, just use said.

[She waved goodbye, watching as her new friend rode off into the sunset, his Shinx chasing behind his bicycle excitedly. ‘Oh, to be that age again. It feels like the whole world is opening up for you, eager to show you all its secrets. It’s just you, your Pokémon, and no responsibilities beyond that.’]

So the fifteen year old thinking this supposed to sound absurd, or what?

[“It sure is,” Carolina chuckled ]

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

So, I check blocks by clicking on the profile and then PM link, which means I’m actually seeing profiles for once. Apparently this person has an English degree and works as a technical writer.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794874/1/Ash-Pokemon-Journey-Orengi-s-View

[Note: Bolded words are Pokedex Entries

Note: Orengi use Blue Coloured font, Dark Blue means thoughts.

Note: This font is used for legendries telepathy

Note: This is used for telepathy

Note: This is used for Pokedex

Note: This is used for Level Ups, Switch Outs Faints…etc]

If the only way people can tell things apart is an elaborate key, you have bigger problems than can be solved by a key.

Also, you can’t used colored fonts here. Next time, pay attention when you’re uploading.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Your fic should not be half stat blocks.

[“Tail Whip”

“Counter”

Tail Whip”

“Counter”

Tail Whip”

“Counter”

Tail Whip”

“Counter”

Tail Whip”

“Counter”

“This should be enough, Tackle”, I shouted.]

I have read many boring battles and even by those standards this is godawful.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12794985/1/Pokemon-The-Controllers-Journey

This is a disaster. Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795161/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Multiverse-Rescue-Team

[There’s no point in explaining right now, we need you not to remember this conversation!

Wait… Why are we having it then? And why shouldn’t I remember it?]

I want you to stop and really think about the questions your poor protagonist just raised. If you find yourself only a few lines into your fic and already the characters are pointing out this is a bad idea, it’s probably a bad idea.

[It works every time! ]

And indeed, heeding that warning could’ve prevented you from continuing by killing any possible tension.

Is there any purpose to this opening? Really think about it. Everything in it is something the protagonist won’t remember, which means either it’ll never come up or the protagonist will learn it later when it actually matters and we could be learning it with them. And the only thing you’re saying anyway is that your story about multiple universes being in trouble will, shockingly, involve that, and the main character is guaranteed to fix it, so also there’s no suspense whatsoever about what will happen. One of those things was unnecessary to waste time on and the other was flat out a terrible idea to say.

In conclusion:

[this is a good point to segue into the story ]

It is really, really not.

7 Comments

  1. Act says:

    Technical writers write like, electronic how-to manuals for IT companies, so it doesn’t shock me they wouldn’t know how to do prose. To give you an idea of how different it is from other kinds of writing, I’m actually not qualified for basically any technical writing jobs. You often need to have spent most of your time in tech. I suspect the usual trajectory is something like, English degree > unable to find work > end up in IT > see technical writer opening at your company > say ‘hey I’ve been working in IT for 5 years but I actually was an English major’ > get job.

    1
    1. Farla says:

      But they should at least know to look stuff up!

  2. Septentrion says:

    With the Growing Up Together story, you just end the review with an excerpt. It does break the rules previously mentioned, but I don’t think that was the intent.

    1. q says:
      The actual review, on fanfiction.net, has some text after it. So the one on here was probably copied wrong.
      1
      1. q says:
        … and what the hell is my profile picture, I don’t know.
        1. Act says:

          According to reverse image search, it’s “Recreational boat fishing.”

    2. Farla says:

      Yeah, I did this one on a different computer and ended up having to mess with it a lot to remove extra formatting.

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