NaRe 2018 Day 12 (12)

Pokegirls reposted as well as the more common pokemon-fuckery.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788791/1/Pokegirls-Johto-League

[Also, be prepared for some really bad dirty puns, most of them are cannon to the AU, not my fault.]

Let’s say someone says a joke. Later, you repeat the joke.

“Holy shit,” says your listener, “that’s horrible! How could you say that about people?”

“Oh,” you say. “I bear no responsibility for my action, because someone else said it first. I merely chose to deliberately repeat it, and add a bunch more onto it, because I think it’s good. But someone else invented it.”

The problem is not that the jokes are dirty. The problem is this setting is nauseatingly misogynistic. You could choose to write about the setting in a way that isn’t sickening – there isn’t actually a law that porn settings have to be awful. If you choose to pack misogyny into your writing, that’s on you. You’re the one who decided the horrible parts of this canon are precious to you.

This one got reposted and was no longer listed under Romance, so, gotta review it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12793251/1/Pokemon-UNIVERSE

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795243/1/Pokémon-Chronicles-Colors-of-Creation

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You really, really do not need to write people walking out of their houses to get their pokemon. Everyone gets it already, and it’s even worse when you’re writing the standard dead boring protagonist opening three times over. Think about what’s going differently in your story.

[Red’s sense of direction had never been very good, and he was currently trying to ask for directions to the lab, after finding out that he had read his map wrong, and ended up inside a cafe instead of the lab. You’d assume, considering he had lived his whole life in Pallet Town, that he’d know his way around. That assumption could not be more wrong.

As he was asking for directions, he heard footsteps behind him.

“Excuse me, young man, but are you looking for my laboratory?” a voice behind him asked.]

This, for example. That the kids are wearing uninteresting clothes or ate breakfast or like pokemon is just filler, but Red having no sense of direction is something new. Starting with Green and Blue already at the lab and then getting into the fact Red has to be brought there by Oak would let you start very close to the opening of the games while still focusing on something unique to your story.

[facepalming slightly.]

Don’t do this. Not only is that a visual convention with no place here, but you either do or you don’t, “slightly” is just compounding the terrible description.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795311/1/Pokemon-Origins-The-Adventure-of-Green

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

[The ride over to Pallet town]

The full name is “Pallet Town” so both parts of it are capitalized.

[my starter Pokemon.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“There’s one on the table and there’s one in the back room of my lab. If you don’t care about which one you receive you can just grab the one off the table.”

“Actually, can we have the one from the back?” Asked my mom. She did this almost as often as her out of stock ramble. Whenever there was something in the back, she would ask for it because “It’s fresher and better” when really all it was was embarrassing.]

Why decide rather than demand to see them both first, and unboxed for better inspectuon? It’s possible Green’s mother might view pokemon as completely interchangeable, but really, someone concerned about freshness in minor products sounds like someone who’s very aware of even minor differences in items – and someone that picky would probably have more than a single script. Something might as easily be in the back because it’s dinged up and not worth the shelf space. Better to demand people get everything out for her to choose between.

Well – this manages to be a unique twist on the standard professor-going. I’m not sure what’s added by saying this is Green – they’re not a Pallet native or a girl, and they’ve got a totally different family life than manga canon suggests either. They’re an interesting OC – they even manage not to come off as too weak-willed despite their overbearing parent – but it’s annoying to scribble an established character’s name over your own character’s face.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795407/1/A-Hybrids-Journey

[The title is pretty self-explanatory, cause I suck at naming.]

Rather too much – or at the least, have a self-explanatory title that’s at least explaining something specific to the story.

[“Human speech”

‘Thoughts’

“Pokespeech”

‘Telepathy’]

You shouldn’t need a key for people to follow your story, and if you’re trying to make multiple things distinct, it’s best to not have them be nearly identical.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Thanks for your help, Blaze,” ]

So pokemon can talk in this, but they still get the most generic and overused names, presumably because they’re getting nicknamed by ten year olds instead of having their own names like people.

[ The Espeon was named Puffball, or just Puff, and had been given to her father when he was six. The Piplup on the cat-like pokemon’s back was new, having been sent by a relative as an egg and given to her on her sixteenth birthday.]

Her mother gets to raise her own children, but other pokemon are just toys to be passed around? Or was not selling them just the dad’s personal choice?

[Upon being given the egg, her parents had promised her that once the Piplup had hatched and was strong enough, she could start her own journey. Three months later, the egg had hatched, and Riley had been raising the baby until he would be strong enough to meet her parents demands.]

And in those three months it never once occurred to her that it’s pretty fucked up that her brothers can just grow up as kids for their own sake but the piplup only matters as a means to her own ends?

[While it was expected for trainers to form bonds with their Pokemon on journey’s, it was never expected for them to form romantic ones. Though most people didn’t really see it as wrong, due to the human-like intelligence of Pokemon, things changed when hybrids, like her, started popping up.]

So they’re human enough to consent to sex but not human enough to get even the consideration we give to dogs when it comes to selling their babies.

[Naturally different people had different reactions to the news. Those who saw Pokemon as equals, saw them as the ultimate symbol of love between trainer and Pokemon. But those that saw Pokemon as nothing were than animals to be manipulated, considered them unnatural. Luckily though, most people fell to neither side, instead opting for indifference towards them.]

Yeah I’m sure it was the ones who saw pokemon as such equals who were first in line to say it’s totally cool to have sex whoever they kidnapped, bought, or raised up from an infant. You’d have to be some sort of pokemon-hating monster to think there’s anything at all unbalanced about the relationship between a man and his legal property that can’t say no.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795580/1/Pokemon-Shadows-Invasion

Someone I’ve already reviewed. Interesting fact – for some reason, while story links change to purple, author names remain blue, so the only way I’ll know if this happens is if I can see a previous story is purple. Before the end of the month someone’s going to be yelling over getting multiple reviews because either they deleted the first one I reviewed or their fifty-page profile meant I didn’t see their story list at all.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795582/1/Freezing-Point

[The weather had hit -30 F, an unusually high temperature]

I really love this. Both for the initial jarring sensation and for what it means about what the main character is attempting.

[Articuno let out a high, clear cry. The beauty of the sound was so great that I forgot for a moment where I was and what I was doing.]

And this is just lovely in itself.

I also appreciate the cleverness to the battle – thinking it through, setting up based on what little is known, using multiple pokemon at once, and finally, a real use for castform! And how this was definitely a good idea that will have no downsides.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795478/1/Parenthood-mistakes-and-amends

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795587/1/A-Spacetime-Adventure-A-Pokémon-Mystery-Dungeon-Fanfiction

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795637/1/Christmastime-in-the-City-A-Pokemon-story

Write out numbers with letters.

[“It is all the rage!”]

Certain sentences only sound natural with contractions.

[“Well… it’s a little pricy. It’s 70 poke dollars…”]

A glass of lemonade is two hundred.

[ Ethan questioned.]

“Questioned” is the nicer way of saying “interrogated”. If you mean “asked a question”, then the verb you should’ve used is right there.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795826/1/Pokemon-Red-Anime

Script format is banned and it’s because script is terrible.

[Cloud: Shut up baka’s the doors opening.]

And this is worse than usual.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12795950/1/The-Real-Power-of-Ash-Ketchum

[ two mystic pokémon]

Is not a valid description, and so fails at the actually describing them part.

[The most stunning fact of the trainer was that his eyes, a mystic mix of amber and azure, were radiating with something akin to power. ]

This generally feels like you were way more concerned about sounding cool word by word than actually communicating information.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[His Kingdra was just a mere example. His Dragonite and Salamence ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Battles are really not as interesting to open with as they seem they should be. You know how the movies often open with a battle? That’s fun because it’s animated more than anything. It’s extremely hard to do anything similar in text. Pokemon battles in fanfic need to have tension to make up for the fact they don’t have a team of animators making them flashy, but a regular battle between trainers has almost none. If Ash wins, he wins. If he loses, he loses. There’s nothing else at risk, no other consequence. The fic’s main plot will just proceed along from whichever one you pick without it mattering and everyone knows it.

And then when you get to the battle that does have stakes…well, it’s after a bunch of breather chat you really didn’t need when the opening already is boring, then you spend your time on logistics chatter and talking Ash up. The battle at the base is the one where the outcome actually matters. That and the fact it wasn’t actually the place they thought it was is actually interesting, but it takes half the story to even get there. You don’t need to explain Ash’s daily life. You don’t even need to have Lance explaining his plan to Ash. You can just start with them doing things according to a plan. The fact you the author have to think up a plan first and then have it happen doesn’t mean you need to tell the reader each step of the way.

One Comment

  1. Septentrion says:

    He has reposted a third copy under a third account now. He seems to think it’s getting deleted.

    Edit: He fixed it.




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