NaRe 2018 Day 13 (18)

Several fics starting at unusual points! Also, a plague of (a/n) is upon us.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796124/1/The-Pokedex-an-Encyclopedia-for-Trainers-and-others-alike

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Ways to care for the resulting damage after battle: Apply normal regulated Potion to the area and it should heal over any damage to the skin. ]

Okay, you’re opening with absorb and you say it works by draining “nutrients”, but instead of something like, feed the pokemon extra food and avoid exertion, it’s dump a potion on them. Why do you even need this section if the solution is potions? Why would you need to tell anyone this?

[Consequences for user: There will be a 60 second to 10 minute wait as the nutrients begin digesting, and begin converting to Adenosine Triphosphate also known as ATP. ]

Why? Why would a pokemon that was stealing the energy of another and getting an excess immediately convert that excess out of storage and into immediate use? And you can’t just turn any random stuff into ATP. Those letters it’s made up of are talking about the chemical structure it’s made of, and only those can be used to make more. Most of the time you’re just recycling the same molecule.

[This is responsible for movement. Absorb also begins to help mitigate Lactic Acid build-ups and allows faster cell growth for natural healing.]

This is like you threw a biology textbook into a shredder.

[On top of this Metabolism will increase meaning the Pokemon using this move will become hungrier than usual, and may lose attention later on and become demanding of food ahead of time, this can usually be mitigated with a general snack available at most Pokemarts and Malls.]

…eating fat and protein and turning it into energy makes pokemon hungrier, but the pokemon getting drained just need a potion shower for where they got touched, because of course that makes sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796194/1/Kolasi

Spellcheck.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ he took the plans that were used to make the machine and threw them into the fire of the machine. “This device can only be used for evil.”]

[ “The machine failed Kade” he said. Kade looked at Kole. “What happened to him?” Kade asked. The dad sighed. “The machine broke and the Flareon died… the flareon’s dna transferred into Kole. He became a fire and dark type.” Kade stood up. “What can he do?” he asked excitedly. The father chuckled. ]

So killing the flareon is precisely so awful everything has to be destroyed so it can never happen again, but not so awful they won’t forget what’s really important: how totally awesome and wonderful it is Kade gets a sue umbreon whose moves get black fire effects, and how this is the best day ever!!! because of it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796505/1/Pokemon-Coordinated-adventures

Capitalize your title properly.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796291/1/Never-Say-Goodbye-a-Fanfic-Sequel

Even more than the previous fic, largely about people talking to other people with pokemon being pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796555/1/Control-Freak-Another-Story

Already got them!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796568/1/Star-Performer

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

It’s a nice change of pace to have an opening where the main character’s lost, as well as one that skips straight to the aftermath.

[He would be lying if he said it didn’t gall him a little, being defeated like this on such a large stage by a child five years his junior. He had been in the game for long enough to recognise a prodigy when he saw one, though, and he realised he had been outclassed. Some people just have it so easy. Those blessed with talent make fools of the rest of us every day – no matter how hard I work to catch up, people like her are always just out of reach.]

And I’m curious what the answer to this will be. Pokemon canon in particular has so much of this sort of thing, of people shooting into prominence and passing others by, and it does seem like it’s pretty rough on everyone else.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796573/1/Fighting-the-Tide

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ Upon getting all of the Sinnoh ribbons, Dawn had decided to get the Hoenn ones too, and thus they went there.

But now Ash wondered why it had to be Hoenn.]

The more relevant question, why did Ash go with her? What motivated him to return to a region he’d already been to rather than continuing to somewhere new?

[Ash hadn’t paid much attention to it, as usual. His ADHD mind tended to overlook big things and focus on lesser important details, like the fact that Dawn’s socks didn’t match. It had been bugging him for a while now.]

That really doesn’t sound like Ash. If you think Ash’s actual behavior fits ADHD, fine. If you want to write about an OC with this particular type of ADHD, also fine. But you can’t say he has it therefore his behavior warps to display other traits of it.

[(A/N: I never thought I’d write a sentence quite like that.)]

And you shouldn’t have written a sentence at all like this. No author’s notes in text.

[(A/N: Cue Taylor Swift’s Are You Ready For It?)]

That goes double for terrible ideas like this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796640/1/The-one-that-changed

This isn’t a story and so should not be posted as one. Make a post on some forum if you want people to tell you what to write.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796715/1/Going-Solo

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

If nothing happens in your first chapter, it shouldn’t be your first chapter. What about your story is different than every other one? That’s where your story should start.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796723/1/Pokemon-Fallen

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796829/1/Father-Figure

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ I’m not sure what to feel not having a dad.”

His voice lowered itself to a small mutter. Boy Guzma wasn’t good at personal things like this. His mind was in a panic to what to say to him, or if he should leave him alone to his thoughts some more… wait a minute. Bad idea. That thought alone was one too many mistakes for Guzma in the past, and he was sure as all hell he didn’t want to make his life crappier than it was before meeting Elios.

But how would he put it? Yeah it’s all fun, they’re the coolest role models ever?

Instead his inner gut was making him tell another story. One without all the imagination. He didn’t want to make Elios any sadder than he looks now.

“Kid, having a dad is just like having your mom around. They look out for you, make you food, do your laundry, everything they gotta do to make you happy, right?]

It seems like it’s really, really missing the point to use Alola, Team Skull, and Guzma to just do the standard no-dad speech that’d apply to every protagonist.

[“A dad is another person you look up to in your life so whenever you get questions whe you get older, the both of them are there to set things straight. At least, that’s what Gladion told me, I was always goofing off and not listening to my parents.”]

Seriously. Guzma is possibly the only character we’ve ever had whose feelings on this are more complicated than that dads are generically good. It’s rather like having someone complain to Lillie about how they miss not knowing their mom.

…and with that in mind, let’s see how long it takes before there’s fics where it’s Lillie cheerleading for proper family units.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796779/1/Pokemon-Ash-Betrayal-Main-Antagonist-Comparisons

This belongs on a forum or your own personal blog.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796848/1/Kanto-and-Johto-League

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796902/1/Banette-The-Marionette-Pokémon

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I really think this’d have been better without piling on the ending horror and instead stopping with the attack on the husband. Banette is supposed to be a regular doll turned evil by rejection, so the fact the girl found and loves it is a good setup for something different to happen. Also, there’s been a million fics already that boil down to banette does horrible things to people because it’s an evil doll. Having it just go after someone who deserves it for once would’ve been a lot more interesting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12796968/1/Pokemon-Jordinio-Version

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12797106/1/The-Invasion-Of-The-Aether-Paridise

Your title is misspelled.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ My team is:

Litten

Scratch, Flamethrower, Flame Charge and Bite,

Lycanroc

Brick Break, Crunch, Fire Fang and Stone Edge,

Mimikyu

Shadow Ball, X-Scissor, Play Rough and Thunderbolt,

Greninja

Night Slash, Water Shuriken, Ice Beam and Ariel Ace,

Pikachu

Quick Attack, Thunderbolt, Iron Tail, and Electro Ball.

I know right, I don’t even have 6 Pokémon. Well let’s just get to it.]

I appreciate that you’re starting at a different point than the very beginning of the journey, but part of why that’s so skippable is that a lot of that sort of information is easy to fill in. You don’t need this or the setup paragraph in front of it. Just get to it and assume your reader is smart enough that when you say he’s got a litten in the story itself, they’ll understand he’s got a litten. When you bring up his lycanroc, well, guess he’s also got one of those. And when he orders moves and they use moves, those are the moves they know. Etc.

[ My armour clinked. (a/n: imagine the Kommo-o armour without the helmet, there you go, that’s what I wear.) ]

Also bad: author’s notes in the middle of a story, and “I” suggesting you aren’t too good on the separation between yourself and your character.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12797154/1/A-new-Region-a-new-journey-OC

Capitalize your title properly.

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, it’s “pidgey” and not “pidgy”.

[I blew through the first round like it was nothing, as did Mark. The final sixteen were still on a very low level. So low that some of the Pokémon only knew a single move. Many of the trainers hadn’t even tried to avoid attacks. Just land their own. It was embarrassing,

The reason the league sponsored these tournaments was in order to involve the periphery and try and find more skill in the small towns outside the cities. If any of the decision makers had watched the first round they would have shut down the whole operation as a waste of money.]

Eh…the thing about that is, why would people in the city have better pokemon and more interest than people with good habitat and little else to do? This is like farm kids having no idea how to handle dogs or something. It seems like you’re just going off the fact it’s traditional for protagonists to come from small towns, but that just makes it overdone as well as implausible.

[It was dark and I couldn’t really tell what it was, so I took a few steps closer and only realized my mistake too late. It was the bright red color that gave it away. That and the sharp stinger that struck my foot. ]

And hm. The idea he gets attacked right as he’s about to go on his journey at first seems pretty good… except you already say in the summary that they set out together, meaning this won’t meaningfully delay things, let alone actually derail it in an interesting manner. So either there’s no consequences here at all or…

[The last thing I remember Is someone opening the door to my house and shouting my name as I slipped away, wondering if Pidgy was alright.]

…the reason you’re talking about this when there’s no real reason for him to be so concerned about a pokemon having a minor chance of getting poisoned right is that you’re planning to replace the pidgey with the venipede, which would be rather forced.

Neither option is particularly promising, which makes for a very weak point to end. And so, looking over the whole – well, different opening than usual, with them not only already having pokemon but being somewhat experienced, which is pretty good, but the chapter ending would’ve been better served establishing that the fic would continue on into the pokemon journey itself with similar originality, since the biggest question for reading on is if this will say different or if it’s an original opening to a standard journey slog.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12797390/1/Truth-Ideals

Blocked! Which I’ll end on yet again.

2 Comments

  1. Raven says:
    “Seriously. Guzma is possibly the only character we’ve ever had whose feelings on this are more complicated than that dads are generically good.”

    I dunno, I think Silver and N probably also have some complicated feelings on the subject.

    1. Farla says:

      Sorta. But Silver’s parentage was basically an easter egg/possibly not even canon originally, and while N and Ghetsis get closer, the games framed the problem as Ghetsis rejecting N as his son. Both are narratively more an issue of an emotionally absent father.  This is the first time we’ve had a dad who was there the whole time, very invested in raising the kid, and in fact tried to keep his kid from escaping him.

      1

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