Whole lot of baffling decisions today.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12799098/1/Flight
[Jessie thought that the whole thing was complete bullshit.
They hadn’t been robbing a Pokemon Centre, or poaching, or pulling some money-grabbing scam. Granted, they’d been doing all three of those things the day before, but that was hardly the point.
When the group of cops had swarmed them, they’d been defenceless- asleep, for god’s sake. ]
I don’t think this makes much sense as a distinction. They’re introduced to us as people who are proud they’re wanted criminals, and it’s not like they have an ethical code about not attacking when people are asleep. Maybe she’d be indignant at the universe if the stuff they’d done had gone wrong/blown up in their face so it’s not fair they’re getting punished twice over it.
As to the rest of the plot – it doesn’t particularly feel IC. I mean… She’s not only never seen the scars he’s covered with despite traveling together and getting blown up, but didn’t even think anything was weird about whatever lengths he’d have to go through to hide them that long? And [ “I know that it’s not enough, but what we did to you- forcing you back in that house- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry James, I-“] It was completely obvious at the time. They are the sort of people who did that, and then saw what happened as a result, and he is the sort of person who deals by going back to avoiding the subject, and they did the same. To get them all to the ending point seems like it’d take ages. This plays out like the characters have to get out of the way of the correct formula for trauma – the other person noticing, then the explanation, then the apology/understanding, then knowing just the right words of support. Catharsis over characterization. Perhaps that was the point? But if the issue was you didn’t like how the show handled things then, a more natural point would’ve been them talking afterward – it’s her suddenly apologizing for what she did way back then that particularly highlights the disconnect between the way she’s written here and the way things were in the show.
These kinds of things are rather hard to evaluate. It’s hard to tell if a given one is supposed to be wish fulfillment, where the point is avoiding realism, or if it seems scripted because the author was too focused on writing to the issue to consider how to do it a bit more naturally.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12799419/1/Father-and-Daughter
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Last time you burnt your tongue because I forgot that I boiled the milk far too long.]
That’s not really how making cocoa works. Or like, basic physics. You’re not supposed to boil the milk, only scald it, and once something’s boiling it stays at that temperature instead of getting steadily hotter. If she burns her tongue, it’d require that they normally just heat it up a little so she wasn’t expecting actually hot hot cocoa. If he boils the milk, it means it tastes bad.
There’s really not much here. You’ve got two characters and they’re technically interacting, but there’s no arc to this. Birch feels he’s inadequate, she says he’s not in a way that isn’t convincing because she’s a little kid who doesn’t have any frame of reference, that apparently resolves everything and it ends. It’s not an actual story, just a snippet that could perhaps work in something larger.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12799569/1/Pokemon-Herald-of-Destruction
Write out numbers with letters.
Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.
Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.
I think this could’ve used an edit. You open pretty slow, with a lot of narration that amounts to Ash recapping his life so far. His suspicion something’s up with all the weird stuff he runs into is interesting, but then he runs at the storm just because it needs to be done – if he won’t let the hurricane hit Pallet because it’s dangerous, does it matter that he’s also thinking it might have some other cause? Once he’s there he makes no effort to find the cause, just to disrupt the storm. Instead of a dry opening of him explaining he thinks he’s cursed or something, it’d have worked a lot better start with him trying to deal with the storm and then that being the final straw for his belief something more is going on with that. Maybe he could even see mysterious pokemon and guy for a second, or something, instead of the narration telling us they’re around but that not impacting Ash’s decisions in the least.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12799789/1/A-Whole-New-League
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[Why not cut our losses and form a brand new League?”
“A new Pokémon League? Now what in—”
“Let me finish. Now, I’m not saying we should open another Pokémon League on the region. That’s not allowed in the guidelines provided from the higher-ups. What I’m saying is that we gather strong trainers to act as substitutes until the originals either resign or come back. And even then, they’ll have a chance to defend their positions from the old Elite four and Champion as long as they can prove they are stronger. Well?”]
This really doesn’t make any sense.
The solution to the problem of not enough trainers is to start a brand new league, except not start a brand new league despite saying those exact words, but actually to get new people to take the existing jobs, despite the conversation opening with the problem that they can’t find new people to take the existing jobs.
[“New trainers? Where are we gonna find new trainers that are strong and are willing to serve?”
“What about the Gym Leaders? They are more than capable.”
“And not only that, if they were to gather in one area, others would want to test their skills against them given the chance, allowing us to scope out new potential in the crowd.”]
Having just said they can’t get Gary because he says he’s busy with his gym, their grand plan is to look to the people who are busy with their gyms, with the assumption that people will be lining up for the chance to fight gym leaders, the people whose entire job is already to hang out somewhere to give people the chance to test their skills.
[“How are we gonna decide between all of them though? I hope none of you have forgotten that our Pokémon League is shared with TWO regions! That’s sixteen different trainers to choose from to form an Elite Four and decide a Champion among them! That’s more than enough as is!”]
Gary said he refuses, so it’s a maximum of fifteen. It’s pretty obvious at least some of the other gym leaders would also refuse. It’s even more obvious this isn’t the solution to the problem they started with, which is that people leave a lot. The solution to that problem would be asking more people to take the job, then continuing to ask around for anyone interested so they always have several candidates ready to replace someone who decides to leave.
[The answer is simple.”
“Correct. We have a tournament.”
“A tournament?”
“To decide the new Elite Four and Champion, all will be welcomed.]
Look. If you want to write a fic where a bunch of people fight, just say that. You don’t need a lot of contradictory babble in front of it. “The elite four slots are chosen by tournament winner, there’s open slots, we’ll have a tournament.” Done. Now you can actually get to something interesting happening in your first chapter. If you want it to be about the gym leaders fighting each other, then that can be who the tournament normally is open to instead of spending paragraph after paragraph on explaining how your characters just thought this up, because apparently replacing people has never come up before. Then the champion gets determined by whoever beats the new set of elite four, as normal.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800121/1/Ghostly-Scars
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[“The League Schools bought out Kanto High. I’m guessing because we want more room to make ourselves more impressive or whatever, especially since Kanto High is so close to our own school. Anyways, since we’re going to wreck the place and change it entirely, the kids have no place to go. I’m pretty sure that League is going to have all the kids transfer here.” Unlike Lorelei, who was great at putting the puzzle pieces together, Bruno was a little behind. He was incredibly smart, but he was no detective.
Bruno’s eyebrows shot up, but his grin remained on his face. “I see. Makes sense,” he replied.
Lorelei’s eyes narrowed. “Makes sense!? Do you understand what’s happening!? League Schools is going to have to pay off all the debts of Kanto High, and if we’re truly taking in all the new kids, then we’re going to have to pay all their admission fees. Not to mention all the bills of the extra dorms that they’re going to take up. The money we’re spending is going to reach new peaks, and that’s not even considering the amount we’re going to spend renovating Kanto High.”
“Hate to say it Bruno, but I’m siding with Lorelei on this one. I don’t see how this makes sense,” Will stated, and Bruno shook his head.
“It’s simple. We need more students. Look around you. This is one of the most famous schools in the world, and yet we only have about half a thousand students. If this continues up, most people will view the school for only the most prestigious, instead of people who have a chance at becoming something incredible. By doubling our population, it will convince more people to “shoot for the stars”, as they say.
“In the short run, it might be more expensive, but in the long run, more people will join the school, and that means more admission fees will be paid.]
One apparently private school buys another apparently private school and closes it. This somehow means that all the kids who go to the other school now go to the first school for free? And this makes sense because the first school doesn’t have enough students because ??? [most people will view the school for only the most prestigious] is usually said in the context of most people not being able to afford the fees, and somehow a huge infux of non-paying students and extra debt, making them need to charge their paying students even more to make up for it, will make all the people who can’t afford the school start to go there? Did you just mean “snobby”?
If the only point of all this is just to have two schools end up together, why not just say they’re public and one school got closed so kids got shoved into the other? Or they’re different branches of the same private school? Or anything other than complete nonsense?
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800167/1/Pokemon-XD-Shadows-of-the-Past
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[Yeah, this chapter probably wasn’t very interesting. But let’s be honest, the beginning of the game (excluding the Salamence Metagross fight and S.S Libra abduction) wasn’t very interesting either, lol. It’s crucial, but boring nonetheless. ]
What’s crucial in a videogame is not the same thing as crucial in a written story. Stories don’t need things like tutorials, for example. If your first chapter is boring, it’s failed.
[This story may seem like it’s pretty much a carbon-copy of Gale of Darkness in written form, but trust me, it changes a lot later down the line]
Then you should’ve started there instead of telling people to sit through stuff you yourself know is boring.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800257/1/Crossroads-of-Destiny
Blocked!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800615/1/Alpha-Sapphire-Except-It-s-Self-Aware
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“This world is widely inhabited by creatures known as Pokémon. We humans live alongside Pokémon, at time playing together as friends, and at times helping one another out. And sometimes, we just like to have fun battling others like us!” The text moved so slow.
Brendan snorted. “Yep! Because no Pokémon could ever attack a human, right? That’s just unthinkable. A species that excels at blowing each other up with their bodies vs. a species that excels at blowing each other up with inventions. What could possibly go wrong?”
“But as close as we are. we don’t know everything about Pokémon.”
“Point already taken.”]
I really don’t know why you think bottom of the barrel commentary about already boring text is something you should make a fic around. “The thing that’s done to death, but now complaining about it as it happens to drag it out even further!”
This is also apparently the gamer subtype.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800774/1/The-Champion-is-a-Faller
[“I have a letter for you. A certain… interesting party is interested in you.”
I stood idly, eyes focused on the unmarked envelope resting gently in the palms of my hands. Whoever sent this prioritized me and my strength above every other trainer in Alola. I was never going to get used to that—being Alola’s greatest interest.]
…other people do get letters, you know, and it usually has nothing to do with that. At least have them look at it before they start making grand declarations.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
[I took one more look around the peaceful neighborhood, as more of a goodbye than a suspicion, before calling my Ride Charizard.
When I had first met Charizard, he had no experience as a ride Pokémon. He was slow, he didn’t always show up when I called him, and he got lost frequently. I began training him in both speed and accuracy, and after two years of pushing his limits, he had grown to be one of Alola’s top Ride Pokémon. His newfound talent was especially critical in times of need, when I needed quick transportation during a mission. I knew I could count on him for anything, then.]
This seems to really be missing the whole idea of ride pokemon. If you really hate the loss of HMs, just have them using their own pokemon for flying instead.
[How many Ultra Beasts are confirmed in Alola?”
Looker and Anabel shared an uneasy stare before Looker answered the question. “We’re not sure. It’s hard to tell before we’re at the scene. Remember, during the first mission, when we thought there was only one UB-02 Beauty, but there was actually four? This situation is similar to that. We can’t confirm anything besides how many different typed of Ultra Beasts we’ve spotted.”
I nodded, mildly irritated. I didn’t know why they decided to call me when they don’t seem to have any information I could work with. If they had waited a bit longer, I could have gotten at least one day of vacation time. “Why did you call me with so little information? I can’t do much with this.”]
…how would it matter? They know the locations of ultra beasts. It’d be marginally more convenient to know the exact number of each but that’s all.
The second chapter is the first one over but from Looker’s POV. They have still not actually gotten to the ultrabeasts.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800791/1/My-Mentor
Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.
[“You were aware that seating is sold on a first-come-first-serve basis, right?”
“Well, yeah,” May said, “but I didn’t think they’d fill up so quickly. When I went to buy our tickets, half the stadium was still open!”
“A lot of people wait until the last second to get their tickets,” the attendant nodded in understanding. “It’s a poor practice, if you ask me.”]
[“Talk about bad marketing,” Max grumbled. “If they were all sold out, why didn’t they say so? We wouldn’t have wasted any money.”
“Max has a point,” Brock agreed, leaning back with folded arms. “They should’ve been more clear on how many seats were still available.”]
Tickets correspond to seats. That’s why tickets get sold out. There’d be no point in buying a ticket if it had no bearing on if you were actually allowed inside. If you want them upset they can’t get in, just say you pay at the door to enter.
You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800823/1/Road-to-Master-by-sojoukou-senkuo
Not the author’s, so.
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800838/1/Three-Rockets-and-a-Mini-Twerpette
[It had been just an ordinary, bordering on a boring day for the Team Rocket Trio as they made their way through the Kalos region.]
And you should’ve written about an interesting day. For example, instead of a chapter of nothing ending with [Little did they know their night would be anything but restful.] you could’ve just started the story at the night.