NaRe 2018 Day 18 (13)

In which the great purpose of pokemon is battling, and their only happiness is found in accepting this.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12800936/1/re-re-re-re-re

[She still had to wonder why she always chose to walk up instead of flying to the wormhole – it would save her so, so much time.]

You should never put gameplay complaints in a fic. There’s no reason a person would be wondering why she does something that makes no sense and bugs her when she could just not do it. If it drives you nuts, say she flies there directly, otherwise only mention it if you do have a reason for why she chooses to do it the other way.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Moon, what’s wrong?” Gladion begged of her, his voice full of concern. She shook her head, unable to speak.

No one would believe her, anyway.]

Why wouldn’t they? And why doesn’t she seem to believe herself, either?

Yes, the exact sequence of events she remembers is suspect. But they all know ultra space itself can mess with your mind, as can at least some of the creatures that live there.

Thinking she just fainted from heat originally is already a bit of a stretch, but I think reasonable as characterization, where she doesn’t want to admit weakness. When she starts feeling weird afterward, though, she should reevaluate, because not only do they know things can mess with your mind, the one the games spends most of its time on has a poison that gets worse over time.

She remembers going through a portal, finding the other side weird even by portal standards, meeting a weird pokemon, and getting killed. Just because she’s confident that the getting killed part is impossible doesn’t mean she can be sure none of the other parts happened – either the place or the pokemon could’ve messed with her brain and made her hallucinate the rest.

Plus, given the resets, it’s not like her telling people the first time around that something weird happened but she’s not sure what would change anything about the rest of the events.

The resets themselves, well, time loops and disasters are a great mix. I don’t quite get why it gets angry at her for talking and explains there are rules it demands she follow, though – that introduces the idea it has some sort of purpose and will behind its actions, but otherwise it seems to just be some murderous beasty with a enormous power.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801153/1/The-Metapod

[ It’s meant to be so horrible it’s amusing.]

It wasn’t.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801514/1/Generation-Z-Hoenn-Alone

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I’m not particularly sure I get why you went with Courtney – you even have her saying she doesn’t like this new team’s plan, and you don’t really explain why she feels she has to have some job with some enemy team and that’s the most important thing. I’m even more confused by Zinnia being here. The last time she was with an enemy team it was to accomplish a secret goal of her own. And even if Zinnia’s decided to branch out from going undercover when trying to save the world in ways related to one specific thing her people are involved with to going undercover trying to save the world from whatever impending thing is happening, Courtney should know Zinnia wasn’t really a proper Team Magma member back then so her presence now is pretty suspect. It seems a lot like the two of them are just there because you were trying to use known characters even though just OCs would make way more sense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801669/1/The-Seeds-of-Change

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

[The silkcoons and caskcoons]

You should really check the spelling of pokemon names.

[He snorted, he didn’t have to answer her, but it wouldn’t matter if he did. She wouldn’t understand him.

She giggled. “You came a long way just to snort hatefully at me. Did I do something to upset you, Mister Salamence?” She flicked golden hair back and bent down where she filled a few bowls up with food and water. “If you’re not here to fight me, then will you join me for a while? I have some extra if you’re hungry.”

He snorted again, rejecting the offer. But then something changed his mind. She released her pokemon. All of her party was there, including his four friends. “Salamence!” Shroomish cried. “I thought I wouldn’t see you again! How are you?”

Salamence made up his mind, and with a gust to billow roofs off of houses, he flew up and swooped down in front of the pokemon.

After that night, he didn’t let her leave without him. The friends of five were back together again. They were far from the forest, but never far from home. Shroomish, Skitty, Swellow, and Linoone loved the outside world, made new friends in the form of the trainer and her pokemon, and Salamence was able to join the outside world with an even newer purpose; to become the very best there ever was.]

This is a really abrupt ending.

The problems Salamence has with her is highlighting the broader issue of her kidnapping pokemon from their friends and family. He personally was able to track them down but for the rest, they’re gone, and against their will. Trying to paper over that by saying that oh, it turns out the thing they fought desperately against is actually okay doesn’t work. Neither does the trainer’s reaction – she didn’t care if any of the other pokemon wanted to fight before catching them, so why doesn’t she just try to take down Salamence as well?

If you want the happy ending to be that all of them travel the world enjoying themselves, you need to let the other pokemon have a choice. If she hung out in the forest herself and eventually asked them if they wanted to come travel the world together, and Salamence was angry she’d stolen his friends in the emotional rather than literal sense, him ultimately joining would work fine.

As much as I like pokemon viewpoints, unfortunately they’re almost always this sort of creepy.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801737/1/Origin-Story-Part-2-Unlocking-the-Truth

Sequel.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801807/1/Legends-and-Legacies

Yeah, this is a much stronger opening.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12801983/1/The-Battle-for-Pokemon-Seeds-of-War

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[People started to control Pokemon, force them to do whatever they wanted. Not in the way that most people own Pokemon. Battling Pokemon until they’re weak enough to catch, keeping them in Pokeballs, making them battle other Pokemon and trying to catch ’em all. This may seem unfriendly at first, but this was not control. ]

Wow, that started off so promising only to be such an enormous let down. Probably best to just stop here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12802046/1/Footprints

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[For two years I put off going on a journey, just because she would never let me catch my own Pokemon, even if I had my Trainer’s Card. Despite this, I knew what pokemon I wanted to journey with the day Mom let me catch my first Pokemon]

As soon as a kid has their first pokemon they can leave. The mom says no, the kid gets a pokemon, the kid leaves…she would be able to do what to stop this, exactly?

[“Okay, Taiyou, you will be my partner when I go on my journey, but I have to beat you in a battle first. That’s what you are saying, right?”]

And this – ugh. This kind of thing happens in the games because battling is the core gameplay mechanic. Battle promises, in contrast, are not the core of regular stories. You seem to get this given you don’t write out the pointless battle that happens next and then immediately go on to have her say she isn’t even journeying for battling reasons, so why did you include it at all? It seems like it’s for some convoluted purpose – maybe you figured if you said there had to be a battle, that would be why she had to wait until her mom agreed to loan her a pokemon, as opposed to this all being ridiculous and contrived.

[So the girl tied a yellow bandana around his neck so she could find him later, and the two parted once more.]

Especially with how apparently she then ditched him and wouldn’t be able to notice him without a marker. That really doesn’t scream “actual relationship”, you know? I don’t need to label a cat to tell it’s mine.

[ I poured some of the paint into the tray, just enough paint for my partner’s foot to stomp in. Then, I opened the sketch book to the first page, uncapped the marker, and wrote “Kalos” at the top of the page, and “Helioptile – Male” at the bottom. Two minutes later, Taiyou’s footprint proudly sat in the middle of the page. I repeated the process with Roselia]

But really, why didn’t you just say she’d been working on this at home the whole time? If this is her dream, then it’d make so much more sense for her to actually be pursuing it this whole time. And if it’s that important to you she leave at twelve, she could’ve spent those two years getting to know the local pokemon, culminating with one in particular agreeing to leave with her to go collect other footprints from further out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12802289/1/A-New-Adventure-in-Sinnoh

There are just shy of ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, seventeen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Deciding to give up their evil ways Jessie and James decided to give up their evil ways, while Meowth choose a different route, and joined Ash’s team.

While at first it took some getting use too, Meowth had setting down quite nicely. In fact when he put his mind to it, he was actually a good battler. ]

Wow, that’s fucked up. His best friends split and he becomes like any other pokemon.

Seriously… [when he put his mind to it, he was actually a good battler. ] This sounds horrifying. Like all the other skills he showed, and all the other things he wanted – now he’s put all that aside to focus on using moves when they’re shouted at him, instead of being all uppity and thinking he could ever matter in any other way. He’s convenient to Ash now and that’s all that matters.

Edit out the chaff and this one is actually a passable horror story. Christ.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12802337/1/Faults-Risks-and-Roses

Look, you really, really shouldn’t ask for characters. It might seem like it’s harder to think up characters than have someone else do it for you, but it’s actually far more work to try to figure out how to write a random batch of personalities and backstories, then figure out how you can make them fit into your story and get along with each other. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do. Almost all SYOC stories end up never updating, those that do often die after a chapter or two, and even the ones that continue a bit longer are plagued by meandering non-plots and characters who don’t seem to have any point to their scenes.

Write out numbers with letters.

[A letter. Its message known only to the current holder: a young man perched atop a rock in an open field, the light breeze making his honey-blonde hair rise and fall like waves. Whilst scanning the sheet of paper, his azure eyes occasionally widened and a sinister snicker escaped him.]

Your prose is way too purple.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12802439/1/Pokemon-The-original-series

Capitalize yon or third, not both.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

So this is a drastically stripped down version of the anime opening we already know except some random girl is standing there to pointlessly mention elements of the anime opening we and Ash already know. And possibly that addition merely seems like a terrible waste of time and is actually an important butterfly-effect element.………except that you just end with Ash reaching the crowd of people standing around Gary, so this chapter just serves to be a crappier version of the first minutes of the first episode.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12802483/1/Pokemon-Reset-Bloodlines-Iris-Gaiden

[(Knowledge of PRB is necessary to understand this oneshot).]

Yes, so it’s not actually a functional oneshot. Get a shared account or something and post them together instead of spamming things with story chunks that don’t work individually.

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