People including elements they shouldn’t.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12808816/1/Don-t-Forget-Me

Diary entries are rarely a good idea for a frame story because they tend to recap and summarize in ways that are less interesting than actually seeing the events play out.

In this case, none of this is really necessary. You’re going through a lot of trouble to explain the situation they’re in, but it’s not so weird it needs a ton of explanation. It doesn’t matter if they applied to other schools or if they got accepted to other ones if they’re going to one in particular. If they’re at the school, then everyone gets that they must’ve been accepted to the school, which in turn means they applied to the school. Etc. If the school is itself interesting, start with them there. If something at the school is interesting, start when they reach that point. Explain things when they come up.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809096/1/My-Partner-Cyndaquil

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809573/1/Light-and-dark

Capitalize your title properly.

[Her brown hair rested softly on her shoulders, her light pink pajamas fit her pretty well, defining what needed to be defined (Imagination!).]

I don’t know why you thought this would be a good idea but it was not.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The unfortunate part was the age limit of the orphanage was 16 years old, and Andrei was getting very close to the maximum age. Sooner or later he would have to move out of the orphanage, either to become a Pokémon trainer or to become a part of the work force.]

Given trainers start at ten, if the orphanage is going to boot children out the door, they wouldn’t wait until the kids are sixteen. At very most, they might be willing to wait a year or two extra before abandoning the kids to their own devices.

[ Mia wanted to become a Pokémon trainer. All the battles that she had seen on TV had inspired her to grow up to be a trainer that is recognized throughout the regions. Today she would head out to Professor Oak’s lab to pick out her starter and begin her journey as a Pokémon trainer. She took in a deep, fresh breath of the morning Pallet air, and went back inside to get ready for her adventure.]

Given trainers start at ten, if she wanted to be one she’d already have a pokemon.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Alright, now that all of you are here, it is time for you to pick your own starter Pokémon.” ]

Here’s the thing. We know the whole professor thing. You don’t need to show a kid getting pokemon from the professor. It’s totally possible to just start later and say the pokemon’s from Oak because everyone will understand that Oak hands out starters.

[He walked over to the ball that supposedly held Mudkip at a brisk pace, and opened it. Noticing the commotion, the three girls and Professor Oak turned their heads to see which one Andrei chose. The Pokémon that came out didn’t resemble Mudkip at all. It was a small Pokémon with a seemingly gaseous form. Two extensions branch out from the sides, and it had yellow eyes and blue cheeks.

Prof. Oak stared at it dumbfounded. “What? What is this Pokémon. I thought Mudkip was inside.” He pulled out his Pokédex and scanned it. The unknown Pokémon just stared back at the machine, brimming with curiosity.

In a monotone voice, the Pokédex chanted. “Cosmog, the Nebula Pokémon. In ages past, it was called the child of the stars. It’s said to be a Pokémon from another world, but no specific details are known.”]

Not writing this out piece by piece might also force you to think for three seconds about what you’re writing when you’re force to summarize it and realize it makes no sense.

You want him to get a cosmog and you want Oak to also give him a regular starter because god forbid your sue face any negative consequences for his super special pokemon. Fine. In that case, you can connect these two without you the author reaching into the story and cramming a cosmog in. For example, you could have Oak ask him to take the cosmog in addition to a regular starter because he knows it’ll grow faster with a trainer and he wants to find out about its moves and possible evolutions and all that. Now it’s your character helping with research rather than a random pokeball he just knows is special. And since, unlike what you have, this is perfectly reasonable, you can skip over the boring professor bit and just summarize it when someone asks him why he’s got a cosmog.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809615/1/Bastards

[Please wait]

Please take your own advice next time instead of uploading a two word placeholder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809663/1/My-life-and-their-life

Capitalize your title properly.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809665/1/Ghost-Town

This is a terribly slow start. If the only exciting thing in your opening chapter is its final line, it’s not doing a very good job of being an opening. If you’re really sure you need the long leadup, then you’ve got to at least keep writing past that point and get into the whole having something happening. Describe the body. Describe his reaction to the body. Etc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809698/1/The-Courier

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This really doesn’t seem to be doing much with the idea they’re pokemon. You seem to be trying to include it instead of just shrugging and saying they’re human, but…

[Standing on two legs made them taller, but not that tall. This one clearly practiced hard with a weight to balance so well- enough so that he almost forgot that houndour and houndoom are four-legged, not two-legged. Of course, there was more to it than weights but he knew little of the process for quads to emulate bipeds.]

Okay, but why is the houndour doing that in the first place? You’re taking pains to establish that he’s bipedal but there’s no clear point to why it’s important he be on two legs instead of walking on four and holding the package in his mouth. And he’s still managing to manipulate objects with his paws just like he has hands.

[Whoever was forcing him to shove this onto me was smart: they sent a fire-breather that can kill me if I didn’t comply.]

And this element doesn’t much matter – it’d play out the same if it was just a burly guy threatening an old man.

If this really does need to involve pokemon characters, then you need to work harder at incorporating their forms. Why would a spider have a hat? Ariados don’t have the right head shape to hold one, it’d restrict their vision and possibly their horn, and hats only make sense for someone who holds their head still while ariados should be able to climb sideways or even hang upsidedown.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809833/1/A-Crossing-Forward

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12809925/1/On-the-Beach

[“Who’re ya talkin’ to?” said a voice behind him suddenly, and Maximilian turned to find a dark-skinned boy sitting on a rock watching him.

As he met the other boy’s dark eyes, he felt a sort of shock run through him. Instinctively, he looked down at his wrist and at the green-and-blue timer on it that had been there since birth. The blue part had ticked down to zero, and it was flashing every second.

“Oh! Hey! You’re my soulmate!”]

Okay, so you realize the whole “timer” thing isn’t Official Soulmate Law, right? If the timer is totally irrelevant, instead of asking readers to swallow the idea the fact his timer was really low wasn’t at all a factor on his mind while hanging out there idly bitching about his beach hatred, just do the plain knowing a soulmate when you see them thing.

[Maximilian’s father took hold of his arm and pulled him away from the beach – away from Archie. Maxie struggled, reaching out towards his soulmate, trying to protest, to tell his father what they were leaving behind, but words wouldn’t come out.]

Conversely, if the soulmate element itself is totally irrelevant to the broader world, then don’t have it as an established element at all. Two people can meet and suddenly click really well without it being a known fact to everyone around them that everybody gets a soulmate at a specific time. Without that, it makes sense parents wouldn’t be paying attention to the fact their kid’s timer was about to run out or thinking anything of a sudden attachment to a stranger. It also means it makes sense Maxie could be struggling to express why he wants to stay – both in the sense he doesn’t have the words as opposed to knowing that’s officially his soulmate, and in the sense his dad has no reason to take any of his feelings seriously as opposed to a world where his dad knows soulmates are officially a thing everybody gets.

I’m suspicious the wave of soulmate glurge may have resulted in a whole lot of kids having their first encounter with the trope be a twist on the basic idea that they’re taking as established gospel.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12810082/1/I-thought-this-was-what-I-wanted

Capitalize your title properly.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Why am I stuck learning to be a nurse? I thought I wanted to be a nurse but…Darkiol makes being a trainer so glamorous. I just need to be a trainer.]

One of the many benefits of shoving all ten year olds out to be trainers is you don’t have eighteen year olds actually embarking on real careers suddenly abandoning that to try out being a trainer.

[“Get some treats for eevee?”]

If that’s being used as the eevee’s name, you capitalize it like you would any other personal name.