NaRe 2018 Day 28 (17)

A lot of stuff I get to skip, someone helpfully acknowledging kink as kink, an enemy team idea that actually sounds interesting, and yet another person insisting they totally know what they’re doing with SYOC on the basis they’ve got another unfinished SYOC already.

Let’s start with romance again…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816557/1/Royal-Mark

[“Of course, professor. I just defeated the second gym and Serenity evolved into a Kirlia!”]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[And what’s more, right after the battle she evolved!” Amber cheers and her pokemon join her to show how happy they are. Serenity looked especially proud as she not only finished the gym battle but also evolved right after it.

“Wonderful! I am so happy for you! If you can continue like this you will become the next champion,” Sycamore cheered as well, truly happy for his assistant’s success.]

Your writing is really simplistic and redundant. If you’re showing people’s feelings, you don’t need to explain that they’re feeling those things, then repeat that they’re feeling those things once more.

Write out numbers with letters.

[Sebastian liked the idea of Battle Chateau. Trainers came to battle and gained a higher status the more victories they achieved. ]

[Elizabeth has shown him how unjust the league is to people who are not trainers. How they have categorized trainers by how many badges they have and given privileges to those who have earned more. The system was beyond ridiculous and it has to be fixed.]

…so the group runs Battle Chateau which revolves around trainers and ranks them, and he completely agrees, but also the group hates how trainers are ranked by badges and he completely agrees.

[Although it was most definitely illegal to just push someone out of their own property, the pig that lives in Parfum Palace just drinks and throws parties all day and night, tarnishing the ancient Kalosian relic. ]

Also they have some sort of ax to grind about royalty being great. That would make for a unique enemy team, but why would they be trivializing titles with the Battle Chateau in that case? Or taking random orphans instead of drawing from established families?

[“Okay, guys! Since you are done eating, it is time to take measurements!” ]

Why would anyone think it was a good idea to weigh them after they ate rather than before?

[Girl’s initial goal was to find some Amaura fossils, but somehow she managed to find a Mawile instead. ]

Again, your writing is terribly simplistic. I’d really recommend finding a beta reader to help.

[For the longest time you have done anything necessary to get us closer to our goal. For that I am now giving you something you desire. Not only a chance to become a trainer, but also an opportunity to increase your rank and help us further our goal. Tomorrow all of you will go to professor Sycamore’s lab and receive your starter pokemon.]

Why would she have kept them from getting pokemon in the first place? That’s like telling your police force that as a reward for good work, they’ll get actual training and weapons. How did they manage to accomplish anything before now?

I really do like the idea of an enemy team that’s tradition. Johto had an evil team seeking to reclaim past evil glories, Kalos had a guy getting weird about the concept of time passing and a formerly evil king, and Alola had an enemy team created by rebellion against tradition. And “Make Region Great Again” is painfully topical.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815111/1/Safari-Bone

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12814261/1/Pokemon-Generations-Kanto

There are just shy of ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, seventeen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

[Our story begins in a far away land. It is a world where people are surrounded by strange and wondrous creatures. These creatures are called Pokemon. ]

Continuing on that thread, everyone looking for fanfic under “Pokemon” knows what pokemon are and doesn’t need you to go through the whole “some keep them as pets, but others…” thing because we’ve all played the games and also read the nine billion other fics by authors who also thought this was an original opening.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

…and now you’re novelizing the game. The first game. The one people have copied over and over and over and over.

Welp, that’s done.

I return to the pokemon category to discover that the next fic I had to review, [redacted], had vanished. It was actually really good which was why I’d stopped there, so I’m not sure what happened, and I forgot the name attached.

EDIT: Okay so it was because harassment! Let’s all not mention names henceforth.

So, sucks to be the rest of you following this I guess.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815125/1/The-Trainer-Takeover

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[A laugh escaped from his lips. And it wasn’t your run of the mill laugh, NO!]

This is impossible to take seriously.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815310/1/OTAT-Of-Flames-and-Leaves

Already reviewed them…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815360/1/Camp-Eevee

Blocked by them…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815473/1/Conqueror

Although they have only a single story, this is the same person who complained about a previous review by saying they’d already gotten a review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815475/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Trinity-Of-The-Light

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ Others might think its bad to have a SYOC in a PMD .Some may see it as a lazy way to get lots of reviews, newbies who have no idea create lots of their own original chracter. But honestly , I just like writing them. It’s more fun that way.]

For you to know you like writing them, you’d have to have ever finished a SYOC before. SYOCs don’t work properly. It takes more work to integrate random characters into an existing story and the result is worse than if you’d made them up yourself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815544/1/Minutemon

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

It’s a lot easier to read online when there’s spaces between paragraphs.

[The price tag was still attached to the gleaming gem: a thief!]

Not really how price tags/theft works.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815547/1/Teddiursa-Ursaring-The-Little-Bear-Hibernator-Pokémon

Already done them…

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815869/1/Life-of-Legends

I don’t know why you think Arceus writing an incredibly long recap of things was a great and interesting way to start your first chapter. If your idea here is to collect a bunch of daily-life adventures with the legendaries, you really should just start with an actual story and then throw in a brief aside from Arceus about how it matches or doesn’t match his expectations.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12815959/1/I-Wish-I-Never-Met-You

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Serena should be fine after Ash’s pep talk,” Clemont trusted.]

JUST USE SAID.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816054/1/Popplio-s-story

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

A story needs more than that your friend thinks popplio look dumb but you like them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816242/1/Undercurrent

[ I asked for a double bacon cheeseburger at Leaf’s (a/n: wendy’s)]

Never put author’s notes in your story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[semi-kink.]

Okay, so if the hypnosis stuff is meant to also function as a legitimate plot element and not pure kink, you need to do more than just “suddenly he was hypnotized perfectly!” If he can turn Brendan into an obedient zombie, he doesn’t need to give him false memories to think everyone mistreated him. Also, regular humans can’t turn other humans into obedient zombies by waving a round thing on a string in their face. Use a pokemon – this is hypno’s whole thing, and they even have the pendulum if that’s a necessary element.

[1. Should I crosspost on AO3 and Wattpad?

2. Should I start a site (where all the gorey m-rated kinky stuff can be posted)]

You can post gore, porn, and gore porn just fine to AO3. That’s their mission statement.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816403/1/Pokemon-Black-and-White-More-Adventures-in-Unova

There are just shy of ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, seventeen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. In sum, you should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Next to Ash sat Pikachu, his partner and very best friend. Pikachu had been with him throughout his entire journey, spending every moment by his trainer’s side. He certainly wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. Pikachu was currently napping, waiting for the flight to be over.]

You don’t need to explain who Pikachu is. You also didn’t need to explain how Ash gets there by starting the story on a plane with people waiting to get to Unova instead of just at Unova. We know planes exist. We know the concept of transportation between one place and another exists. Your first chapter should not be nothing more than a bunch of people thinking about how interesting things could be later if only they could get done with all the boring stuff you’re writing about.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816650/1/Good-Vampire

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The reason behind is unnecessary as much as it is waste of time. We didn’t need the reason why the guy transformed into a bug in Metamorphosis, did we?]

You know it’s a waste of time and yet here you are wasting time on it. Your first chapter should be an actual chapter, not just you rambling about what the fic will be when you get to it.

4 Comments

  1. Negrek says:
    [redacted] is by [redacted], so they’d be who to watch if you’re hoping it will reappear. Maybe she decided to take it down to make edits or something, idk.



    0
    1. APen says:

      Okay, seriously, screw anyone who abuses writers over the internet. It’s funny in a deeply sad way that people always accuse Farla of harrasment when she does nothing of the sort, at the same time that real cyberbullying is going on.




      1
  2. Septentrion says:

    [“Of course, professor. I just defeated the second gym and Serenity evolved into a Kirlia!”]

    Maybe you should give kudos for starting where the story starts.

    [I really do like the idea of an enemy team that’s tradition. ]

    There’s nothing wrong with having something positive like this in the review itself.




    0
    1. Farla says:

      That would make for a unique enemy team, but why would they be trivializing titles with the Battle Chateau in that case? = I like the concept but I’m not entirely sure if that was what they were going for.




      0

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