NaRe 2018 Day 3 (16)

Today, the one person who missed the abuse thing in SuMo, trainerfic that’s everything but getting a pokemon from a professor, PMD that isn’t the game’s opening, and somebody who thinks genetic engineering works by magic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784103/1/Stickers

[the trainer’s doing the trial ]

Apostrophes are for possessives, not plurals.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Good day, Mrs. Guzma’s mother! ]

Just make up a surname. This sounds ridiculous.

[“Come inside, I’ve just made some cookies.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decline, ma’am. I’m a tad busy. Maybe tomorrow if you’re not busy.” Ilima said softly. He knew the older couple was lonely, seeing as their son hardly ever visited and was also the leader of an awfully obnoxious group. ]

…I feel you missed some important subtext about them. And some important text.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784778/1/Diary-of-a-Pokémon-Hatcher

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[This went well until a fucking sky-vagina — I mean, Ultra Wormhole ]

So are you not clear on what vaginas look like, or…?

At this point, I realize I’m not going to catch up anytime soon, so I switch over to the other set of reviews I need to give.

You see, as always, I search for ways to do this quicker and/or encounter less boring romance. This year I’ve subcontracted all romance fic general grammar stuff out to my sockpuppet, but he lobs them right back if he thinks they need a more in-depth review.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12782882/1/The-Project-Integration-Saga

[This journal is the true account of my life. It contains controversial topics, sexual situations, mild language, and gore. ]

People don’t write TV-style warnings on their actual diaries. This is jarring and absurd.

Write out numbers with letters.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[my team, my wife, and I created Arceus, our first Pokémon. ]

No, they didn’t.

Look, your reasoning is obviously that Arceus is supposed to be the one that exists before any of the others, but the reason Arceus is supposed to be the one who exists before any of the others is because nothing at all exists before Arceus, including time and space itself.

Possible criteria for picking a pokemon to do first:

How easy it is – rattata, for example, isn’t that enormous a jump from a pet rat.

How popular it is – pikachu, obviously.

Having something to do with genes – that’s where mew comes in, and they’re the ones who are supposed to be the first of the pokemon, as opposed to the first thing in reality.

Having something to do with created pokemon – porygon is supposed to be a wholly human-made pokemon.

Or, if we’re trying to do cute references to the canon, the first pokemon created by the humans who make the game was rhydon, as true obsessive pokemon fans like this guy’s team should know.

Also, who the hell writes in their diary [Yes, I was the man in the tux. Yes, I am Richard Jonas, better known as Mr. Pokémon. ] If you want this to be an essay from the guy, don’t call it a journal.

[I turned away, tears covering my eyes as I heard a voice in my head; it was Arceus. ‘Master, I am deeply sorry for your loss, know that her soul is in good hands.]

…I feel like you don’t really know how “genetic engineering” works. You don’t just throw together some white deerish genes and God pops out.

It’s “okay”, four letters.

[ It was a funny thing, being ‘Mr. Pokémon.’ With The Pokémon Company collapsing from bankruptcy a while back, no one owned ‘Pokémon’ anymore, not even Nintendo, Game Freak, or Creatures. They just couldn’t keep up with the evolving video game platforms, which began to become more virtual-reality based. But I never took the Pokémon brand, I just kind of inherited the concepts.]

If it’s not under copyright, it’s not capitalized. You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[(Flashback)]

Don’t do this. It should be clear from context.

[ I was told by my then-girlfriend that I should stop trying to play God. She was also a biology major, and was still in college at the time.]

No, he wasn’t, because no biology major would tell someone that. “Stop trying to play God!!!” is something people with no scientific background at all say.

[I went in, walked straight up to the jeweler and said, “what is the most beautiful diamond engagement ring you have?”]

Actually, diamonds are rapidly falling out of favor due to the human and ecological cost. I’d really think a well educated adult born into the twenty-first century, especially one with a degree touching either of those aspects, would have other concerns.

[ “Sir, this ring is $34,000. Do you have that kind of money?”

I glared at him, with a hint of offense being shown on my face. “It is not wise to assume the well-being of others. I know I look like I’m fresh outta high school with no money to my name, but I can assure you that I am no ordinary man. I have the money.”

Although I did have the money, I knew deep down that the ring costed me a large portion of my entire year’s salary from teaching. I silently thanked my younger self for selling his inventive ideas.]

Another great thing about the direction we’re going instead of the direction we came from is people figure that those thirty-four thousand would probably be more enjoyed spent on anything other than a single chunk of blood rock.

If you want to write a story taking place in the future, think about how people are now and what things will be like next instead of regurgitating dying cliches.

[Later in life, when I began to genetically engineer larger animals out of thin air, she began to start supporting and assisting in it, as we found that it had serious medical applications as well. I even created her own German Shepherd puppy for her, she named it Bosco]

Similarly, if you’re writing a story about genetic engineering, know what the hell it is. This is like talking about how he was so good at engineering he made jet engines out of thin air. Do you even know what those fancy names in front of “dog” means? They mean it’s descended from a mommy and daddy of the same breed, and one single extra gene, even one that’s just a fixed version from a related breed for a gene that no longer works, has made breeders to insist that the dog is a mutt and not allowed to be referred to as one of their breed More, as a result of the massive inbreeding, they’re genetic disasters, so what, did he deliberately put broken genes into her puppy so its back legs would collapse in a year and it’d spend years in agony because he needed to match the pedigree requirements?

“I made a puppy.” That’s all you had to say. Do your research!

STOP FUCKING DOING THIS.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783410/1/It-s-Scary-What-a-Smile-can-Hide

[or those of you that do go St. Elmo’s Fire levels of reviewing, I ask that you DM me instead of reviewing. Because if you’re willing to put this much time and effort into combing a story this hard, you might as well have a conversation with me instead of just hammering a lengthy sign into the review section.]

People regularly lie about the content of reviews and only pointing to the review itself will disprove their claims. Other people have repeatedly said that if they don’t see a complaint come up on another story, they won’t believe it’s a problem in their own. Still others say that if they don’t see it, it never happened and it’s unfair that only their story was singled out for criticism. And reviews come with PM links attached to allow for further discussion, so the claim you only want it like that so you can talk is rather suspect. If you don’t want a review, say so and be done with it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12783819/1/The-Bloody-Hand

[There he stands on top of the hill – my love, Ash Ketchum. But he’s not the man I know, nor is he the man I love. ]

At the top of the hill is her love but he’s not her love. Think about what you’re writing. Is this really the best you could do when talking about possession?

[“But I had the most tastiest meal ever.”

“I’m sure you did.” I don’t want to know the details, but judging on the red stains on his coat and bones sticking out his pocket, I’m guessing their humans!]

“they were”, not “their”. Proofread. Also, what, are humans the only ones with red blood or bones now? Since when?

[He’s an easy target. Wears his heart on his sleeve. A perfect host for a demon to wreak havoc on us mortals. But why…why do they always have to pick on Ash. Well, I’m not having it anymore. They’re coming out of Ash’s body right now!]

So to be clear, the demons are using him to murder god knows how many people, and May’s issue is she’s fed up with them picking on Ash.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784001/1/To-My-Sweet-Champion

[ I’ve been a small fanatic about OCs befitting for Cynthia,]

…what?

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

Don’t use ‘ for thoughts, it looks too close to ” and is sometimes used the same way, so it makes it look like thoughts are being spoken aloud. Just italics is fine.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[murmures ]

Spellcheck.

[“Sorry! Sorry! Didn’t see you there!” he apologized. Oddly enough he was having a hand up to Cynthia instead of look at her. By the way he blinked, that knocked him for a loop. “My fault, don’t hurt me!”

Catching herself, Cynthia looked over at him and gave him an astonished look. “What? Oh, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.”

The guy turned towards her. “Well…uh…” he pointed a thumb to himself. “Well I’m more sorry.”

The woman raised a brow at him. ‘He’s more sorry? Is that guilt tripping too much for himself? And why is he sounding so proud?’ Wondrous of the accident, she continued to look at him with a straight face. “Well, as long as no one was injured.”

Straightening back, the stranger beamed with fake proud. “Silly, no one can harm me that easily!” Of course that was a boldfaced lie, but it wasn’t like he took things in stride. He was go-lucky that way.]

This all just comes off as unpleasantly cringey to me.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784785/1/Off-To-Become-A-Pokemon-Master

[Pokemon. Just what exactly can we say about them? Well, we can truthfully say that they are the most amazing creatures to roam about in this world.]

You don’t need to open your Pokemon fanfic explaining what pokemon are. You also didn’t need the next four paragraphs explaining even more about them and Ash. If someone clicked on your Pokemon fanfic featuring Ash, they get it.

Speaking of… You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[With everything Ash had seen and learned up to this moment, he was now beginning to rethink his current plans of journeying first through his home region.]

I thought this was supposed to be smarter Ash. It seems pretty obvious that if he wants to meet every pokemon and Unova’s special for having very little overlap with other regions then he still needs to meet all those other non-Unovan pokemon. If you want an older more experienced Ash, just let him walk around Kanto first, then say he ran off to Unova afterward because Unova had the least overlap with pokemon he’d already met.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784792/1/A-Birthday-Present

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784799/1/One-Way-to-Cure-Boredom

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ He leaned forwards on his chair while moving the cursor around his Steam library, deciding what to play and after a few seconds of fruitless skimming he groaned and let his head fall on the keyboard. “I’m bored.” He groaned miserably.]

Opening a story with your character being bored is boring.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784872/1/Scum-and-Cream

[So he steps on it again, and again, stomping it unconscious, maybe more viciously than necessary. But his legs are sore and his hand is bleeding, so he smashes his heel into the caterpie’s head until the squirming stops, then drops a pokeball on the still body.]

This is so terrible and so terribly true. There’s so many ways to feel right and justified in brutality, and it’s all written with such a lovely flow.

I really hope this continues.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12784906/1/Crystalline

Huh. I’m not much for PMD fic, but this is pretty nice. I really like how distinct the characters all feel, and how you set the stage here without the first chapter dragging in the process.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785250/1/slipping-through-the-cracks-of-a-dark-eternity

[deliberately kept vague so you can insert your own chara and your own partner ]

It’s honestly just distracting.

You can only write one version of things. It’s better to just write the best single version you can than try to write something that’ll be sorta okay for a whole bunch of people.

[ the Darkrai ]

It’s either his name without any “the” and capitalized like all names, or it’s “the darkrai”. Same for stuff like [ feel like a Cubone who’s just lost its mother].

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785294/1/Unfamiliar-and-Radiant

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785314/1/Legacy

[The family pet, a growlithe, would often accompany him and be his partner in battle against the scyther. Almost every evening, the boy and the scyther would have a fierce battle, testing each others’ strength at every moment.]

So do you mean he was shouting orders at the growlithe, or that he and the growlithe were tag-teaming? Because it’s really weird how you say the growlithe is his partner and presumably getting beat up too, then switch back to talking about this like it’s solely about the kid and the scyther.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This one disappeared between my loading it and my reviewing it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785318/1/Lucario-s-Aura

[Heres a little background on my life. Hi! I’m Daniel Whitacre. Im a 15 year old currently in a high school with a very high student to school size ratio. Im the semi popular kid that nothing ever special really happens to. I live in the Beautiful(ly boring) part of Virginia.]

Your grammar is atrocious. Try harder, look things up if you’re not sure of them, and get a beta reader.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785446/1/The-Lost-Saviour

[Limbs flailed within their confinements in a horrific attempt to escape the pure energy made beams that were attacking their minds and nerves whilst trying to grasp a footing within their systems. From below them, two people watch the torture. One was shocked, frozen in pure disgust at the image their eyes was sadly processing.]

The longer your language takes to get to the point, the more elaborate and flowery it is, the less impact it makes. This is only made worse when you appear to be piling in negative adjectives almost at random. Think about what you’re trying to say and how best to say it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“I…I…” Ash had to close his mouth and eyes as another wave of pain raced through his body, he wanted to tell Lysandre he was not a thing for the man to control, he wanted to tell Lysandre he would never destroy the world that he loved but, the words were stuck in his throat as others forced their way through his lips, “I… hate… this… world…” The hooks were sinking in, he was losing all control off himself as hatred and anger took over. “… and… everyone in it!” His eyes opened, hazy and now red, just like the energy that was swirling around his body. Greninja was exactly the same, still and emotionless, having given into the control of the Mega Evolution energy.

“No!”

“Pika pi!” Alain and Pikachu cried out in harmony, both trying to reach the impossible. It was too late, the energy had taken its hold and the boy and his Greninja were under the control of Team Flare.]

You know what would actually be interesting? If, for once, torturing someone into all-consuming hatred of everything didn’t turn them into a friendly servant of the evil dude. Why would someone who hates absolutely everything obey someone’s orders instead of attacking them too?

2 Comments

  1. Negrek says:
    No, he wasn’t, because no biology major would tell someone that. “Stop trying to play God!!!” is something people with no scientific background at all say.

    Was biology major, can confirm that actual sentiment is “HELL YEAH TIME TO PLAY GOD!!!”

    5
    1. Keleri says:

      “Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” I whisper as I pitch petri dishes into the autoclave.

      1

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