NaRe 2018 Day 31 (40)

And so we (sorta) end. We’ve got cliches upon cliches, a lot of me complaining about different openings, a fresh nuzlocke outbreak, people thinking bad is automatically clever, a few things that are actually good, and complete wtf for an ending.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816665/1/Pokemon-the-Crobat-Chronicles-3-Hoenn

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[The juvenile togetic]

The juvenile evolved pokemon?

[The local laboritory was one dedicated to the study and care of Pokemon. Professor Birch, who managed such studies for the entire region, was a friend to Nigel’s Father. ]

Spellcheck, and neither “pokemon” nor “father” should be capitalized here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816840/1/Eevee-torture-files-new-update-notice

Nonstory chapters are banned.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816992/1/Beauty-From-the-Ash

[Faced with different experiences, Ash learned of the crueler side of humankind and joined Team Flare to create a better and more beautiful world. A slightly darker take on Pokemon. Misanthrope and Psychic Ash! Different Pokemon Team!]

Listen, if you want to write about about a different person, you can do that by writing about a different person instead of insisting it’s somehow Ash.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But these were simply that of wishful thinking, dreams that she knew would never happen.]

[Her indecision to never stand up and fight for herself was the start of the several mistakes that she would come to regret.]

[Now she was left picking up the broken pieces of her shatter life.]

Your sentences are unpleasantly wonky. Really suggest a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817028/1/Casting-Off

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

This is a terribly slow start. People sitting around complaining about how they wish things could be more interesting, then planning on how if they go somewhere or join up with somebody things might eventually get interesting… Why not just start with it being interesting? Why not start with him signing up at the navy, at least?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817125/1/The-Raikou-Queen

[A pokéball slipped out of the kid’s nerveless fingers, which opened to reveal a bayleef. It took one look at me and turned, saying, “Kenta! What the hell!”]

While there is a lot funny about this, this is the most hilarious part for me.

I would have actually liked a bit more on the different governances. A queen and a theocratic dictatorship are pretty simple to develop, but the clefable camp identifying as a (socialist?) republic with votes makes me curious about whether their social development has been paralleling human or if trained pokemon more recently imported new ideas (and is there something about clefairy and their massed sing that makes them more prone to cooperation/less concerned about individual blasting power), and it’s a little disappointing in comparison that the rest seem to be a straightforward single leader with no further bureaucratic twists. But there’s more than enough going on here without extra complications, I admit.

Anyway, this was thoroughly enjoyable all over – interesting worldbuilding, dynamic battles, nice characters, satisfying plot.

I would further add the petty note that this is the only goddamn “you don’t need to know the other fic” fic I’ve hit this month where that’s actually true.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817410/1/snowstorm-on-the-yellow-sea

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[I’m really no different from any other starting trainer if you discount my father’s presence in my life. Other than my unnatural empathy for pokemon, which is more like reading body language and cues than anything too special, I have no real savant-esque talent in pokemon training. I think Addy knows this, but I just worry sometimes that he thinks that he’s in my shadow.]

This is really awkwardly done. I’m assuming it’s not meant to come off as an insufferable humblebrag, but, “I’m nothing special other than (special thing). Oh, and also (special thing) which lets me (special thing). Aside from that I have no additional (special thing)s! And it’s so hard because I worry about someone else feeling down if they don’t realize how non-special all this specialness I have is.”

If the point is supposed to be about pressure from her dad and others meaning she’s had to train obsessively to get this far, you’re cutting yourself off at the knees by saying also she’s born special in a complementary way. If the empathy thing has to be there, then either it should actually be of no help in battles or she shouldn’t be listing it as an explicit super ability she has but consider it normal.

[And while I love Nina and Luhan a lot, I couldn’t have brought anyone but Jessica with me. The two of them can actually function while being apart from me. While Jessica…]

This is intriguing.

[Then, I’d have to do five hours of boating on the ocean, which was incredibly dangerous, even in August. All I thought about while whipping around on my little metal boat, hot summer sun beating down on me, was that crash from a few years ago. A freak wave had hit a wailord-watching boat full of tourists, off the coast of Vancouver Island, and the whole thing capsized into the ocean. By the time a fishing boat got to the wreck, five people had died from hypothermia due to the water.]

Then why don’t they have pokemon with them as a normal safety feature?

I mean, you obviously need this to end up in disaster, but you already have them predicting clear weather and her ending up in a blizzard followed by getting hit by a whale. You could have them taking reasonable safety precautions and it just isn’t enough to handle this freak accident instead of everything functioning like it’s a mirror of our pokemonless world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817419/1/PMD-Rising-Embers

“I” is always capitalized, not just when you feel like it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Spellcheck.

“My first chapter was based off of an school project that I wrote for Literature Class, but i”

Jesus wept.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817466/1/Ghost-in-the-Machine

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Nuzlocke fics do not work well.

It makes sense as a game challenge because the regular games are such a bad combination of terribly easy and impossible to lose. And stuff like being forced to nickname your pokemon so you have to feel emotionally attached is because they’re just pixels and people have to work at feeling like it’s real. If it’s actually real, if you actually just watched one pokemon tear the belly of the other open and get tangled in the guts just so you could brag about winning, you wouldn’t have to work at feeling something. Meanwhile, it’s a disaster to build a world around, because you can’t have piles of pokemon trainers if pokemon wipe each other out during regular battles, and it makes even less sense than usual for society to spend piles of money on supporting a system that no longer generates anything useful.

[I flip through my paperwork with a huff. Four more to the furnace today]

Especially when they’re not even eating them! They are instead paying money for someone to pick up bodies to throw them into the extremely expensive furnace. They are straight up burning money. How has society not collapsed yet?

[Unfortunately, all these young trainers battling Cheren decided that even though they’d had their purrloins and lillipups for barely a few days that they were attached enough to request to keep the remains.]

And why, in such a society, would anyone raise kids to get attached to pokemon instead of viewing even long-term pokemon as unfeeling tools?

[I double check the two purrloin and the lillipup inside, and make sure to have the funeral urns lined up for the order they would be cremated in. Lille Bobby wanted the blue waves for his lillipup; Abigail wanted the pink flowers for her purrloin; and Timothy wanted the shiny gold one for his purrloin. Little tiny Tim with the tiny dead roadkill.]

[I take my shovel, slip it under the lillipup and shove the dog in like pizza in a brick oven. Pulling the shutter closed, I then open the second chamber.]

[ I climb in and drive the onix adjacent to the big furnace]

Who is paying for all this? Do you realize how absurdly expensive everything about cremation is? Just regular flesh burning already takes a ton of fuel, and multiple ones at once, and I don’t even know what’s burning more money, literally burning that onix or having to buy and maintain an onix-sized furnace on hand just in case an onix dies.

If you want to do a grimdark misery fic, for the love of god, make up your own grimdark misery that makes sense instead of nuzlocke nonsense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817467/1/Pokémon-Mystery-Dungeon-Vault-of-Connaissance

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817678/1/A-Jaunt-in-Orre

[ And it added to the joke of “rediculously over-qulified trainer”]

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[She blinks, her mouth falling open, “These bottom-feeding Cipher goons dragged you all the way from Alola?!”]

Bigger question, why would they even be in Alola? If you just want Ash, then it’s easy enough to say he visits Orre after Alola.

[Opening it, she pulls a stack of I.D. cards and licenses from its depths, “Almia Region Pokemon Ranger, no…no, not that I.D. either…My Aura Guardian I.D….Ah-ha!” she pulls out a final one, “Shadow Snagger, Rika. Native to-“]

Okay, so, a joke needs to have jokes. If just having your character stand around being a sue was funny, people wouldn’t complain about mary sues.

Only other review: “hope you plan ash become quickly a badass prodigy aura guardian like seen once in centuries (at sir aaron level), and badass snager, obtain his own lucario (the one he saved from hunter J), other powerful pokemon, and call back his legendaries buster older powerhouse pokemon (it will sucks if you plan ash only use pikachu and the noobs babies pokemon he caught in alola)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817691/1/Pawns-Alike-Book-One-Gardevoir-My-Angel-Rewrite

[I will consider SYOC submissions. Whether or not I use any, I haven’t decided yet.]

Just don’t. If you make up characters based on what you need for your story, it’s not only a much better story for it, it’s easier to do.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

While starting with a death is a more engaging opening than usual, rambling on for the rest of your first chapter on a subject that boils down to “death is no biggie, but does kinda suck in nebulous ways sometimes” really kills any momentum as well.

[I still don’t recommend dying, at least, not before your time. You lose more than I think it’s possible for you to realize. Although, I may not be the highest opinion for that… I’m not even sure if I died at “my time” or not. ]

I mean, what does this even mean? What’s “before your time”? What’s being lost and how does the narrator know when they go on to say they don’t even know if they died at the right time or not, so whatever’s being lost is apparently so inconsequential the person lecturing the reader on the subject can’t even notice it? How can missing the temporarily still living be a huge downside but getting to be with all the beloved people who’ve already died not be? Not to mention you then go on to point out that all sorts of terrible stuff can happen to the living. I realize “actually no, let’s all commit suicide this is awesome :D” is generally not the direction people want to go, but if you’re going to talk at length about a pleasant afterlife while still saying it’s more important to be alive, you need to square the contradictions properly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817727/1/Alolan-Memories

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[You and growlithe ]

When it’s being used as the growlithe’s personal name, it’s capitalized like any other character’s name.

Write out numbers with letters.

Now…as an opening to your story, there’s two things to consider. The first is if your opening lines are interesting. I think this does okay there – I’m curious why these kids are splitting up and journeying in different places, especially when they’re so attached to each other. The second is if your full chapter establishes what’s going to be interesting, going forward, and it’s there this completely fails. You end saying they’re going to meet up again in five years. Okay, and then what? I have no idea what the story’s going to actually be. They could meet up and then go off on some exciting adventure. They could meet up and then a tedious badge quest happens. They could meet up only to find that they’ve changed so much on their journey they’re now enemies. They could meet up only for the enemy team to attack and take them all prisoners. It’s not a cliffhanger, it’s just a blank. You’d be better off putting this prologue on top of your actual first chapter instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12817820/1/Rise-to-the-Top

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The minimum age required to start your journey is 14]

Is ten. Write out numbers with letters.

[ Those Arceus damn bullies. They have their own pokémon even though they’re technically, by law, not supposed to have them.]

Because nothing says “Pokemon School” like no one involved being allowed to have pokemon. Also, no one cares about Arecus and it looks absurd when you find-replace it in for the word “god”.

[Last time, I got caught by my parents while taking a sick Eevee to the Pokémon Center. Now they don’t want me near Pokémon at all  ]

They make a good point. Tripping over a sick eevee is incredibly sueish, and I salute them for their desperate efforts to put the breaks on this.

[Now, I would normally recommend staying in school, but seeing as I’m a fictional character making an unfunny fourth wall break, I don’t see why not.

“Now is not the time to use that reference,” I hear Oak’s words ringing in my head.

“How and why did that just happen…?” I mutter to myself.]

Maybe if your story is derailing itself this badly by the fourth paragraph, you should take the hint that something is going horribly wrong.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

There is absolutely no reason to have a pile of tedious high school bullshit here. He says school sucks at the start. Then he whines more. Then he whines at somebody else. Then he gets bullied and whines about it. Then he whines more. Half of the time it’s not even properly happening, you’re just summarizing it.

Ask yourself what your story is actually about, then start your story there. If you find yourself summarizing “and then this happens, then this, then this” that’s often a good sign that you didn’t need to include any of it. Similarly, if there’s nothing actually that weird about something (he had an education, he has a pokemon, he knows another pokemon trainer) you don’t need to carefully build up to it. You can just start with those things already in place.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818160/1/Rainbow-of-Darkness-The-Shadows-of-Johto

[When Austin turned 10 he got a shiny eevee as a starter, he found it by accident being beaten by some greedy businessman in black city. He killed the evil man so there would be one less trump voter in the world and decided to make the Eevee his starter. When his parents told him “no” when he asked to keep it he finally snapped and beat them up. His new Eevee joined him in it and used her claws to kill them. She looked so pretty in the moonlight while covered in his parents blood that he named her Luna (it was also a reference to his wife from mlp.)]

Excessively terrible isn’t the same thing as a parody.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818244/1/John-s-Great-Gold-Nuzlocke-Adventure

Spellcheck.

[There’s no such thing as a boring Nuzlocke]

Sadly, the same cannot be said for nuzlocke fic, which tends to be a pile of repetitive grimdark nonsense.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[John sweatdropped]

No.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818421/1/Indigo-League-Redo

Got them already.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818524/1/Alone

An anime character thinks thoughts, really nothing to say.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818870/1/What-If-Pokémon

Spellcheck.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Honestly, this reads like it’s a lazy farce. Team Rocket’s in charge, therefore some pokemon are illegal to own despite them making their money on selling pokemon and random pokemorphs who are oppressed because mandatory cliché, and also for some reason random citizens completely love Team Rocket and are disgusted by the idea of traitors. This isn’t an extrapolation, it’s a bunch of random dystopia cliches you threw into a blender and then dumped onto the page.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818825/1/The-Unevolved

Okay, so what you have here is, sad riolu is sad, also deliberately antagonizing a kid far in excess of anything you’ve shown the kid doing, and for no clear reason is kept in a cage and not a pokeball – and evidently free ranging most of the time since they visit the neighbor’s pokemon.

If the girl is really abusive, your opening is the time to show that. All you’ve got right now is her telling her pokemon to stop making noise at night (…and given most people don’t even let pokemon out, that’s already better than 90% of pokemon trainers in stories) while the riolu says they hate her guts and steal her chocolate to feed to an arcanine so they can stick extra nasty dog shit in her purse. You’re supposed to be establishing your baseline, not writing elaborate revenge fantasies for whoever you’re picturing here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818827/1/Golden-Recovery

Blocked! Also, it’s some weird thing with Guzma and Lusamine and parenting that continues to ignore the idea Guzma has any connection to the family themes himself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818971/1/Magenta

Hm. The opening of this feels more like it’s done thinking about cinematics – it’d be cool as a camera sweeping over this quickly, but reading through, it’s an awful lot of detail with unclear meaning – you keep saying “Welcome Center” but take forever to get to where that is, and far longer to even hint at why that would be important. [As if entered by a ghost, a few lines of text were quickly typed into the waiting command line.] similarly is probably actually meant like you’re picturing one of those scenes where we can’t see anything in the darkness, but in text, sounds more like there actually isn’t anyone standing there – because, in writing, you can avoid telling the reader what someone looks like by just not bringing it up: “A few lines of text were quickly typed into the waiting command line.” Your fic generally seems to have a ton of words for very little information – at five thousand words, I just know that there’s Team Rocket, two of the four have some relationship, another person was either in their way when they attacked or trying to stop them, and although she’s shot she’s the one in the summary, and also there’s some thing they’re trying to get, and presumably it’d tie in to the fact this is all taking place in a new region.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12818983/1/OS-The-Ultimate-Fight

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819173/1/Parasect-s-Pizza-Silver-and-Spectrum

Got them already.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819183/1/Elementary

This is pretty much solid fanon so I’m going to skip.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819187/1/Parasect-s-Pizza-Petals

And again.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819276/1/Teal-Chronicles-Braving-the-Storm

And blocked! Not that it saves them, their one review is telling them to fix up their story.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819314/1/Ash-and-the-Skulls

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Okay, so I do like that the end of this chapter has Ash planning to do something other than sit on a mountain training. Have you considered that if you want Ash in Alola sad about his friends, you don’t need a bunch of badly characterized shouting? Like, maybe they all got killed by Team Rocket instead. That’d also better connect “all my friends are suddenly jerks” to “I should collect all my old pokemon!” and still let you end with Ash crying and new friend Lillie promising not to “leave” him like the others did.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819318/1/Pokemon-Colosseum

Script format is banned.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

A bunch of imaginary people competing for imaginary prizes is not inherently interesting.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819593/1/Heroes-After-All

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[But the pain and fear caused a strange power to build in his lungs and throat, enough for a distinct blue-green glow to emanate from his mouth. The power intensified rapidly until it came out as an unnaturally powerful scream, a scream that knocked the other children back and echoed throughout the village.

The other children staggered to their feet.

“H-He really is a monster…”

“Let’s get out of here!”

“We’ll get you someday, freak!”]

Ah, the old cliché.

Hey, do you remember that time you and all the other young kids decided to bully the really big older kid who could kick your ass? No? That’s because bullying generally involves beating on someone weaker than you. You don’t decide to target someone on the basis they actually have mystery superpowers.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[ “Good; we’ll get you up to the monastery in [TBD AMOUNT OF TIME].”]

…if you’re struggling with putting down a solid number so much you made a placeholder and then forgot, just don’t include it. Just say they’ll go to the monastery and be done with it.

[“You nepotist canines can literally dogshit on me anytime you want normally, but me and my mate are having an important moment here. So fuck off, unless you want all that Taurosshit about me being a threat to the pack to not be such Taurosshit for you specifically.”]

Also, either use only animal terms or only swapped versions – or, better yet, avoid this whole mess by just saying “shit” without a qualifier.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12819933/1/Christina

Nonstory chapters are banned.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820046/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Memories-of-Time

[ Apart from her rebellious trait which she didn’t take after her family, Sinon always took concession in most of the important quests around her village. ]

[Without hesitation, Sinon ambushed the first mightyena for fear of further impact the shinx might get.]

[Not even having time to react, Sinon was stupefied by the surprised attack from the other mightyena. ]

Your grammar has some major problems. If you’re not a native speaker, it’s especially important to get a beta reader to help out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820266/1/Pokémon-Reset-Bloodlines-Steven-Interlude

And yet another of these damn things.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820361/1/Short-circuit

Capitalize your title properly.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ *wyvern screeches*]

Write narration properly.

Spellcheck.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820385/1/PokeGhoul

Already got them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820804/1/Fly-and-Fall

This really seems like it’s original fiction.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820813/1/Pokemon-Alola-A-Different-Story

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Half your fic shouldn’t be an author’s note and the rest shouldn’t be written out like it’s a script complete with theme song. This is text, not a TV show.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12821015/1/Magikarp-Life

Look at your document before posting.

At this point some horrible people post last minute long stuff that I can’t just speed through with corrections, so let’s jump over into my romance obligations and finish that up first. You guys get post-sleep reviews tomorrow I’ll edit in.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12816982/1/The-Fifth-Executive

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ Crap. The boss didn’t let anyone in or out of HQ after 11 PM.]

Why? Why would an evil team have a curfew when they must be getting up to all sorts of things at night? Why did you think you needed this to explain her staying at a pokecenter when you could just have her stay at a pokecenter for the night because it’s convenient? You open saying she’s covered in enough snow she’s “sputtering” when it melts from entering the building, so she has every reason not to want to go back out, and if her pokemon need healing badly enough she left so late and in such unpleasant weather, it’d also be plausible they need to stay overnight.

[“Huh? Electra?” he grumbled. “What do you want?”

“I’m just calling to inform you that I’m stuck in Icirrus City in a snowstorm. I’m spending the night in the pokemon center here.”

“Whoopdeedoo. I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”]

This sounds super OOC, and also, if he doesn’t care, why is it so important she contact him at all? If you want to have a scene establishing she works for Ghetsis, give her a real reason to contact the guy instead of having him object to his own appearance in your fic as unnecessary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12820387/1/Siege-on-Aether-Paradise

[“…You know… I always did envy Hau… he stands in the shadow of his father and you can barely tell,” Gladion remarked. Hannah smiled.]

…his dad abandoned him so thoroughly he had no idea where the guy was or even why exactly he’d left, to not even get into how his character in the game revolves around being in his grandfather’s shadow.

(And he only even brings up his dad after the end of the game – how does Gladion even know anything about Hau’s dad at this point?)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[“Not very reassuring…” Erdrick murmured. Gladion turned to Erdrick contemptuously.

“No one’s more worried about Lillie than I am, Erdrick. If I didn’t suspect we’d need one or more of your gadgets once we actually arrive, I’d be urging this Mantines faster,” Gladion told him.

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about you being the one most worried about Lils, Gladion,” Hannah remarked. Gladion turned to her, to see her lounging on her Mantine. She gave him a wink, and nodded Erdrick’s way.

“…But I’m her brother,” Gladion muttered.

“Think about the situation from Erdrick’s point of view, Gladion. ]

From Erdrick’s point of view, he has no clue what Lusamine’s like and Gladion does. If Erdrick is managing to be more worried with way less reason, that just speaks to him being psychotically overprotective and I hope Gladion keeps him far away from his sister who’s already had enough psychotic overprotection for a lifetime.

Luckily, I think this is just a complete lie, given Gladion opens the fic wanting to go get his sister and Erdrick opens the fic being all YAY I GET TO DO A GRAND TRIAL INSTEAD OF RUSHING OFF YAY.

Also, why does Hannah apparently not give the slightest damn about Lillie? She’s actively fooling around and the closest she gets to paying attention to the issue is to be amused about romance here. Is the moral you’re going for that only people actually in love with a girl or directly related could possibly care about her wellbeing?

[“I guess we can take that. We have Hannah, and I’m not entirely sure why,” Gladion remarked. Hannah scoffed, before realising he was referring to the fact she was out of her element- there were no ally Pokemon to call in the Aether Paradise.]

…so the boy’s the super hacker and the girl asks pokemon to help. That’s sure not a sexist division of powers at all.

[“So, you’re here for the girl, right?” Guzma asked.

“Guzma, my boy, why? Will you subject a girl to the same fate you suffered?” Hannah asked.]

[“He doesn’t deserve it,” Gladion spat.

“…You haven’t seen Po Town, have you?” Hannah asked.

“You think that’s depressing? Pah. They don’t know the meaning of the word hardship,” Gladion snapped, heading towards the mansion. Hannah looked up at his retreating back angrily as he knelt beside Guzma to help him up.

“Just because your childhood was worse doesn’t make theirs any less horrible,” Hannah muttered]

I am deeply confused by what you think it going on with Guzma. You seem to have registered that there’s abuse somewhere in there, but none of this actually connects to what that was.

[Hannah stepped forward, her hips swinging.

“Oh. The jungle girl. What do you plan to do?” Lusamine asked.]

…why did you think this was a good idea. What the hell.

I keep trying to find something to summarize and just be done with this but it’s like every new line is some new horrible twist. Everyone being more into supporting a boy trying to save a girl than actually saving a girl. Going on about how helpless Lillie is in a deeply creepy manner. Now it’s hiptastic jungle girl, because sure, let’s add race issues into the sexualization, that can only help.

[“I… I had this dream where I was in your arms, overlooking a starry sky falling on this beautiful… err… I… don’t remember what it was. I… never mind. Point is, Erdrick, I’m going to be your idea of a perfect girl, starting by wearing the clothes you bought me all that time ago…” Lillie told him, stepping slightly closer. Erdrick was blushing hard enough for the two of them.

“…Lillie, you don’t have to do that for me,” Erdrick muttered.

“But that’s what I want to do, Erdrick. I want to prove to Lusamine that I’m my own girl now, and I will be a strong woman, even if I’m still dependent. Look out, world… this is my Z-Power!” Lillie exclaimed. She swung her arms around in a cross, before holding her hands in front of her and swaying to one side delicately.

“…Well, I mean, sure, but I think you might want to branch out a little more. Even if you’re not going to be a Trainer, there might be some other way you can make your own mark?” Erdrick asked nervously. Lillie’s confidence seemed to shatter, her blush coming back heavily.

“Erdrick… I… can I do this first? I… take it slow?” Lillie asked. Erdrick smiled, pulling the girl into a reassuring hug.

“If you’re not confident enough yet, that’s fine. We can work on that later,” Erdrick assured her.]

This is as horrifying as it is sickening. The worst part is I feel like you’re trying to be considerate here.

4 Comments

  1. Negrek says:
    Now you’ve got me curious about who the other horrible person is.



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  2. Keleri says:

    Thank you for your review!!! You’re right, I’ll see if I can get some more unusual systems of poke-government in the next time it happens.

    I would further add the petty note that this is the only goddamn “you don’t need to know the other fic” fic I’ve hit this month where that’s actually true.

    COMPETENCYYYYYYYYYY




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  3. Mel says:
    <i>[And while I love Nina and Luhan a lot, I couldn’t have brought anyone but Jessica with me. The two of them can actually function while being apart from me. While Jessica…]</i>

    Is this…a K-pop/Pokémon crossover?  I suppose there are a worse ways to do it, but the summary has me wondering if there’s going to be some hot political takes with a lot potential to go wrong.

    I suspect that’s the reason why the paragraph you mentioned sounds like an awkward humble-brag.  I bet they decided on the nickname “wondergirl” at first–the Wondergirls are a now disbanded Korean pop group–and then tried to build a justification around it.




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    1. roule says:
      Hey, sorry if this seems sudden but I’m the author of that fic. I do like K-Pop, but it’s not a crossover. I feel like writing a fic with people I could possibly meet is kind of freaky. All references are either made because of its setting on the Korean Peninsula, and the pokemon naming conventions of my main character. Also, even though I noticed the similarities to the band name as I wrote, the “wonder girl” comment wasn’t an intentional reference. I’m sorry for coming off as some sort of koreaboo.

      Anyways, I’ve said this by PM, but thanks again for the review, Farla. I really appreciate your comments on my fic, the usual reviews i got on my original version were trolling attempts or just “i like this fic”.  Giving me something to work on is a lot better than just blank praise, and only getting praise or nothing was why I had to restart.

      So, thank you, and sorry if I sound rude. Have a nice day!




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