NaRe 2018 Day 4 (19)

Several quality sues today, as well as some massive organizations existing only for evil drama and not any coherent goals.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785449/1/The-Pidgey-King

Hm. Well, this is the most adorable problem while still being clearly a huge problem for the whole being a proper trainer thing.

[one settled down right by his elbow and closed its eyes.]

soooooo cute.

The bit that’s weird to me is the tame/wild distinction. It’s unclear why pokemon that have been around people have no problem with him, and it seems like if he could just grab a wild pokemon successfully it’d calm down – and, while that’s hard now, if he levels up his existing pokemon they’d be able to nab a running pokemon just fine. And the way he’s getting absolutely swarmed by adorable little fluffballs makes it seem there’s more to it than just being extra in-tune with pidgey but still able to raise anything if he manages to actually get it.

Maybe, as implausible as it is in game terms (…why must they have such a poor movepool, game designers?) and as sweet as his love of his venonat is, it’d have made more sense to say he can only get along with pidgey and has to be a champion with a six pidgeot team instead. That buying/trading/hatching still works normally makes it really hard to understand what’s actually going on here.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785470/1/The-Night-Before

[Red faintly recognized the sound of an alarm blaring. They had been discovered.

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

It got louder the closer he traveled toward the center of the base. He had almost reached his destination. Hopefully he’d be able to get there without encountering any guards if he moved quickly.]

I get that increasing noise sounds more dramatic, but the entire point of an alarm is for everyone to hear it. Putting one incredibly loud speaker at the center of the base is a horrible design that’ll blow out the ears of the workers doing their jobs there while being missed by the perimeter guards who are supposed to be finding the intruder.

[Red fell to the ground holding his ears. He felt like both of his eardrums had burst. Blood flowed through his fingers and dripped on the floor as he writhed in pain, desperately trying to block out the noise.]

And indeed that seems to have happened! I hope everyone involved in building this embarrassment to architecture was fired.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Also, if you’re going to torture someone into talking to you, you have to let them talk. Is everyone in this place a complete idiot, is that what’s going on?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785534/1/Yellow-Ash

[Following an attack on the Ketchum family, an infant Ash is taken in and raised by pokemon in the woods near Pallet. Naturally, this changes things.]

At a certain point, you really need to ask yourself why you’re so uncomfortable admitting you want to write about an OC that you have to staple Ash’s face over theirs. Just write about your OC. Trying to force this to hit the same beats as canon to justify it being Ash will just cheapen the changes you’ve made and make the entire thing more boring as you take what could be an original plotline and hammer it back into the same shape as always.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

WHY WON’T PEOPLE STOP DOING THIS

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785821/1/Honey-and-Raven

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785832/1/to-kill-their-dreamless-fright

[In a world much like our own, every human being is paired with a sentient expression of their own soul, a pokémon which exists eternally at their side.]

…so it’s Digimon instead of Pokemon.

[The lights were bone-bleach-blanched white]

More is not always more.

[the sun bleeding anaemically over the horizon to establish a new, liminal day in which more terrible acts could be wrought.]

Seriously. Your writing it tripping over itself.

This one seems like it might actually have an interesting plot but it’s not so interesting I’m willing to squint through mud to see it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785850/1/My-Unwanted-Life-2

You don’t need to label POVs. If you want to jump POV, just don’t write in first person to start with. You also shouldn’t need to label scene changes.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Write out numbers with letters.

This is full of typos. Proofread better.

You really don’t need to drone on endlessly about what a terrible person your character is to get across that he’s a terrible person. It was dragging by the second paragraph and didn’t need another four thousand words. Just get to the point.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785908/1/The-Rise-Of-A-True-Warrior

[At the outskirts of Pallet Town]

[Inside Ash’s house]

You don’t need to have labels like this. If you’re writing properly, it’s clear from context.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

If your betrayal fic is identical to everyone else’s, why are you even writing?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785921/1/Pokemon-Magikarp-s-adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[That particular Magikarp, it wasn’t just any ordinary Magikarp, it was a shiny one. They are aware of that, but it doesn’t think it is special to be great just because it is a shiny Pokemon.]

It or they, pick a pronoun.

[And that is where his journey began.

Hi guys! Sorry for the short chapter!

The problem isn’t length, it’s that nothing happened. If your chapter ends saying the journey’s about to begin, then it should’ve started next chapter.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12785985/1/Listening-With-Your-Feet

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[My name is Leaf Selena Green. I’m three weeks into being sixteen years old, and I dropped out of school two years ago. I don’t live with my parents; I live by myself in the expensive areas of Nimbasa City, far away from my original home. It all started when careless little Leaf, 14 at the time, went out with a 19 year old boy and got date raped, then knocked up. Of course, my god damned bitches of parents went bonkers and kicked me out of the house, while I was still pregnant, and due to my poor living standards of slums and ghettos, I had a miscarriage.

But thankfully, my stomach went flat again, and turns out over the months, my body started to change too. Hormones went wild and gave me wide hips, big butt and small waist, basically an hourglass figure. Except my boobs, those were still growing. Currently, I’m like a C… Anyway, my hair got longer, my face got more mature from the harsh conditions, my green eyes got greener and… steelier; my body got fitter and more toned from shoplifting and running from cops, and all that. Once when I was fifteen, though, they almost caught me. They’d thrown a knife at me, and it sliced my stomach, where I have a scar up until today. Oh, and I have a nose piercing and a tattoo of a leaf on my right arm.]

For god’s sake, if you want to make up your own character just do it. It’s fine! Don’t gut another character and stuff your own inside their skin.

Write out numbers with letters.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Blocked, which is interesting. Almost all blocks are people I’ve reviewed before, but this one hadn’t blocked me when I checked the next batch yesterday night, unless I made a mistake checking. Perhaps they saw my reviews!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786180/1/Pokemon-Drabbles

A drabble is a word for something written and edited to be precisely 100 words. It’s the polar opposite of something short-ish you threw together.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786468/1/Parsons-in-Peril

Blocked.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786558/1/The-Mysterious-Eevee-REMASTERED-EDITION

If you’re going to spend the opening of the story talking about the real world, you need to have something important the reader needs to know, not stuff that’s true for everyone. A story that has the main character commit suicide and then reincarnate into another world might need to spend a little while explaining why they decided to do that and give us an idea of how their outlook will impact their new life in the pokeworld. A story that has a generic child who likes pokemon and has a generally decent life does not need to spend time establishing that yes, nothing interesting is going on here.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786736/1/Legends-and-Legacies was by the same person as the Legacy fic that disappeared before I could review it and involves a character who has a scyther, presumably the same kid. It too disappeared and was replaced by the almost identical https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787885/1/Legends-and-Legacies

Why do you keep posting something, deleting it, then posting something a bit different? Just sleep on what you’ve written and edit it until you’re sure. And really, third person works better, so switching to first is probably a bad idea.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

The thing about pokemon battles, even gym battles, is that there are no real stakes to them. If Nat wins, he continues on his way like nothing happened. If Nat loses, we know he’ll just come back, win, and continue on his way like nothing happened. It’s possible to set up a story so that there are other things to worry about, reasons to be concerned about the outcome, but when you just open with a battle, it’s a “sound and fury signifying nothing” kind of thing. Going on to him meeting some other person the reader has no reason to care about, and saying the two of them want to have another no-stakes battle one day in the future, is even less exciting.

The end of this is the only bit that’s different than usual – a former traveling trainer is living in one place doing an actual job, where failing at a battle means the pokemon under their care are in danger. And even then, there’s no real concern from Nat, and [I pulled out a potion from my pocket and gave the wolf a liberal spray.] means you don’t even really engage with the question of farm life and predators but are still dealing with the situation like it’s just random battles with no larger purpose or context – it seems there’s no concern lycanroc will keep trying until it gets a meal or that the lycanroc will starve if it keeps failing. It’s about as much of an issue as a rowdy kid needing to be shown the door.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786847/1/Team-Penumbra-Alola

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

People talking about how everything is fine, they’re generically happy, and nothing of note is going on is incredibly boring. Dialogue, description, etc, are all supposed to be there to support the overall story, not just to pad your word count.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786963/1/Dimension-traveling-is-so-bullshit

Capitalize your title properly.

[Do you ever have yourself sometimes? Rhetorical question, I mean everyone hates looking at things they’ve done in the past and some hate what they are currently doing with their lives. However, I’m talking about hating an alternate version of yourself who created and controls your every move, admittedly the control is indirect so that’s a plus but still. Saying things out loud really makes a person realise how absurd a situation their in. Right let me take a step back and explain what I’m even talking about. First off thank you for reading this fanfiction I find myself apart of. Yes I know I’m just another shity self-incert fic that you’ll find a thousand others of;creativity is dead ect ect. Don’t worry you won’t have to deal with me breaking the fourth wall every five seconds.]

Of the million problems with this, the fourth wall break barely registers. Read this aloud to yourself, fix the blindingly obvious mistakes, then get a beta reader to find the rest of them.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12786971/1/Good-Beats-Evil-The-Tale-Of-Zangoose-Drew

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787230/1/Pokemon-Learning-League-The-Great-Driftveil-Caper-Algebraic-Expressio

Script format is banned.

[(Episode opens with an overview shot of Driftveil City at nighttime with a quiet and calming atmosphere enveloping it. A full moon shines down and stars shimmer in the sky. Now, cross fade/pan down to a house with no lights on]

And honestly, that ban was one of their better moves. You’re not actually directing an episode of the TV show, so focus on writing something enjoyable over something that would be cool if somebody else used it as the basis of making a completely different thing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787275/1/Servant-of-the-Night

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[“It’s all in the name of science,” the superior stated]

[“Very well,” the other concurred. ]

[the woman relayed.]

[the man recalled ]

[the female recalled.]

For god’s sake, just use “said”. Also, don’t refer to people as “the female”.

[“Soon, little girl,” the scientist whispered in the girl’s direction. “Soon you will become a full-fledged cross between people and pokemon. You will be neither entirely human nor entirely pokemon. You’ll be an outcast; a hybrid. From this day forward, your DNA will forever hold a part of a legend.”]

So like, do they have any actual plan beyond nebulously evil? Why would someone doing this experiment be more interesting in idly talking about how, after a series of unforeseen events frees the test subject and they escape, it happens that in accordance with boring cliché the kid will be an outcast from the rest of society? Are they aware they’re only in this story to set up your awful sue backstory?

[“Go, young Master Gladion,” the woman whispered, gripping the boy’s shoulders. “Take Type:Null and leave this place. When you’re both stronger, return and rescue the children held here: your sister, and all the subjects that have been kidnapped. But until then, make yourself invisible to the Aether Foundation.” She turned to the pokemon. “Type:Null, protect your trainer, and bear him safely through this dark path of life. When the time comes, destroy President Lusamine’s deranged plans; but always remember me as a friend.”]

Yeah when I look at Gladion’s backstory, I definitely thought, you know what’d make this better? If Gladion had zero input on it, was just blindly obeying what somebody else told him, and neither of them gave a damn about helping the pokemon involved.

Actually I guess it is a little noteworthy how this is the second Alola-related fic that seems like it really does not want to engage at all in Alola’s themes.

6 Comments

  1. Raven says:
    That one with the paragraphs describing how Leaf turned all sexy…how does someone write that completely un-ironically?



    0
    1. illhousen says:

      So, I saw your comment before first and thought, “Oh, it’s the usual ‘Hermione changed a lot over the summer’ shit.” Then I read the text in question, and what is even the fuck.




      1
      1. CrazyEd says:

        Nope, just the the (un)usual”Hermione had a miscarriage and her ass got too phat” shit here.




        0
  2. illhousen says:

    WHY WON’T PEOPLE STOP DOING THIS

    It’s rather funny for me to see it because it’s basically a standard in other fandoms. Pokemon fandom’s tolerance of OCs was good while it lasted, but now you, too, have to deal with people projecting themselves into the main characters and changing everything about them to wear their skin as a suit.

    I’m actually not sure what caused it, though. The normal progression is “Mary Sues are terrible -> Mary Sues are OCs -> all OCs are Mary Sues -> all OCs are terrible” or something along those lines, but Pokemon fandom seemed like it avoided that pitfall. New blood coming with baggage from other fandoms?




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    1. Farla says:

      Pokemon fandom’s tolerance of OCs was good while it lasted

      But the fandom still tolerates them fine! That’s what’s so infuriating about this. If fandom had turned on OCs, then I would understand OCs defending themselves with freshly flayed CC skins, but it hasn’t! This terribleness is unnecessary.

      New blood coming with baggage from other fandoms?

      Almost certainly, but still – look around at other stuff before you post!




      0

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