NaRe 2018 Day 5 (11)

A story where pokemon go off to fight in a league and never return but there’s definitely nothing sinister going on, more fic by bored people hoping to make others suffer like they are, roleplayer tenses, and the city of bad writing.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787583/1/Nerves-of-Steel

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[ The dream of our young man is to become a Pokemon Master, but it wasn’t always like that. He only decided once he became 14 that he will be a Trainer, even though children become Trainers as soon as 10 years old.]

So it’s less of his dream and more the whim of a kid who’s almost certainly going to get distracted by something else shiny in another month.

Write out numbers with letters.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[You see, after the incident with his parents, he decided that once he reached the age of 18, he would venture out into the world and begin his own Pokemon journey, to truly become the very best.]

Oh, so you mean he decided at fourteen to not become a trainer but to eventually become a trainer. That’s even dumber of him.

Look, this is transparently just because he glanced up at the summary and found out he was stuck in a harem fic, and he knows you and your readers get all your info from porn so you think it all comes down to being eighteen or not.

You’ve said he’s been training his pokemon already, so he already is a trainer. And this fic is going to be about fighting every single league. So why not just say he’s already traveled around a region by now, he just didn’t pick up whatever humans and/or pokemon who he’s going to fuck yet? If nothing else he could have explored Orre instead of sitting in one place the whole time.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787426/1/What-s-left

Capitalize your title properly.

[A small creature wondered aimlessly, well I say aimlessly. It was on the hunt for whatever it could find.]

So not aimlessly, so then why did you say it? This is what the delete key is for. Also, you meant “wandered”. This is a godawful introduction to your story.

[A bird with a heart on it chest fell from the tree with a spear stuck in it’s side leaving a trail of blood as it tried to crawl away(in too much pain to fly). ]

“on ITS chest”, “stuck in ITS side”, this is a disaster. Try harder, get a beta reader.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787490/1/What-A-Twist

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[“..Mmh…mg…Alright…alright!” I lazily allowed my hand to flop over the alarm, hoping that I hit the correct button, though, based on how the sound continued I clearly did not, frustrated with my failed attempt, I decided to just sit up, stop being lazy and press the button with actual accuracy. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about this. It would be a normal day just like any other, boring, not having anyone to talk to. I had gotten into the same daily routine, wake up, eat, work, sleep. Day in and day out, constantly, I was bored of it all. I was sick of it, but the show must go on right?]

No, seriously. This is eye-meltingly boring. Either figure out a way to make writing about somebody else being bored interesting to the reader or don’t write about someone being bored. It’s not like this even works as characterization – if his boredom and depression are meant to mean something, then showing him bored and depressed because everything actually is boring and depressing means nothing. You should’ve wrote something interesting to the reader he doesn’t notice or care about instead.

[Not too shabby for an ameture ahah! Houndour isn’t done enough I feel. Its underappreciated much like Jolteon and many other pokemon that I won’t make a list of, otherwise we’d have an entire second chapter of nothing but that lol. ]

I see skipping my way to the bottom was a good decision. “amateur”, houndour and jolteon are plenty common, “its” is the possessive form. while“it’s” means “it is” only, try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787627/1/Charity-s-Promise

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[I want to name him after my father, who became a battler when I was little. I looked up to him every day — he was the best battler that I had ever seen, and I even heard that he won the Jikyuu League.]

So it sure sounds like nobody ever comes back, even if they supposedly win. It’s really hard to care about the whole abandoned baby and dramatic battle thing when this whole setup sounds like it’s just some sort of pokemon harvesting scheme. How can it be everyone’s dream when it sounds like not only does no one return, but no one sees it happen? She just says she “heard” he won maybe – she didn’t see it, and it sounds like she didn’t hear it from someone who saw it personally, or even someone who knew someone who saw it personally.

I do like that for once it’s the mom running off to do something and leaving the dad.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787657/1/Pokemon-and-Swing-An-Odyssey

This is a summary, not a story.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Write out numbers with letters.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787852/1/Lucarious

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

[“Oh… its quite alright sir.” She would say as the riolu’s eyes started to open.]

“would say”? So she didn’t say that, because that’s what it means in English when you write this way. It’s hardly the only point that your tense is bizarre. Is this some roleplay thing you did and failed to clean up, or what?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12787962/1/The-Journey-of-Team-Inferno

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[The whole forest became alive as its inhabitants began to wake while those who preferred to roam around under the moonlight soon curled up for a long day’s slumber.]

I see what you’re trying to say here, but what you’re actually saying is nocturnal pokemon are undead and also don’t count as inhabitants.

This is also getting into the problems of trying to write the wildly diverse pokemon as a single group. Immediately afterward, you switch to the city in the center, where everyone appears to be on the same daytime-active schedule as any bunch of humans would be.

[Jerome was in charge of enforcing the city’s laws and rules, and there was always one law that was never to be disobeyed: never, ever, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES is ANYONE to go beyond the gates. It was a law that had been upheld for generations, and one that had never been disobeyed…that is…until Jerome’s daughter was born.]

So where is the food coming from? Cities by nature have to import food because the population is concentrated well above the ability of the local area to feed them. [ above which was a banner that had a picture of a roaring Arcanine’s head with a ring of golden flame around it.] [Around his shoulders, a red cape was draped with golden embroidery, and it was fastened with a golden brooch that looked a fierce, sharp fang.] [a Vulpix with a teal bowtie around his neck.] Where’s the cloth coming from? The metal they might be able to pass down over the years, but cloth loses its color rapidly and something like a banner is going to be tattered by the wind.

And how does this work with the fact lots of pokemon can fly? Are they not allowed to fly above a certain height? What happens if someone else flies in? What about all the pokemon that burrow? Gates and walls work fine for human cities because they only have to worry about keeping humans in or out, not every possible creature.

[“Where did you go?” Damien whispered. “And how come you smell like a sea breeze on a hot summer day?”]

You just said that it’s been generations since anyone went out. How do they know what the sea is, let alone what it smells like?

And now everyone’s being mildly peeved at the violation of their most important law that no one in living memory violates, and also they know exactly what’s outside, and actually no wait actually other people have also gone outside, and…think about what you’re writing, would you? There’s no point in making big sweeping pronouncements if they don’t mean anything.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788097/1/Wally-s-Journey

[ “Your mom got into a car accident today, and she had to go to the hospital.”

“What?!” I jumped to my feet, eyes wide, fearing for my mom’s life. “Is she gonna be okay?”

“Yes, she will son.” Wally sagged with relief, and sat on the couch. “However, what happened today made me want to ask you about something.”]

So the rest of this is third person, but for some reason you slip into first. Also, I have no idea why you thought it made sense for his mom going to the hospital (and Wally now having reason to be concerned about her and want to see she’s okay) to somehow mean now is the best time to send him somewhere else.

Anyway – this sure was a pointless chapter. The only thing that happens is people are talking about something else that’s going to happen. What about your story is actually interesting? That’s where your first chapter should start.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788211/1/My-lilac-bones

Capitalize your title properly.

[warning: this fanfic contained coarse language, abuses (physical, mental and emotional), traumatic things, a more evil Aether ,a lot of emotional scenes, mutilation, humiliation, and eventually, rape and arrests.]

Sure sounds like it shouldn’t be rated T, then.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

This is way too short. If your chapter boils down to people saying that later they’re going to do a thing, keep writing until you actually get to the part where they do the thing instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788260/1/Pokemon-Mystery-Dungeon-Explorers-Of-Nature

[“Hold on dude!” “Just…hang…on!” “Nooo!”. These are the last thing the human remembers before the incident. What happened to the human you ask. You’ll find out soon enough but first, let’s go to another place. Outside Wigglytuff’s Guild, Shaymin was hiding behind a bush looking at it.]

We already know what happened to the human. We already know about the Guild. If there’s anything interesting or special about your version of the game, skip ahead to the part where that starts mattering and start your chapter there.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[it was a Pokémon lying on the ground, a Rowlet. ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788323/1/An-Unexpected-Journey

Blocked! And on that note, we end for now.

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