NaRe 2018 Day 6 (6)

Actually surprisingly original fics today.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788363/1/Pokemon-B-W-Kanto-Tournamet-Challenge

Your title is misspelled.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I like that this is opening with a whole lot of ominous Team Rocket chatter.. I really don’t think you needed the second half of non-ominous, non-villains chatting pleasantly about their above-board plans. It’s pretty clear that whatever event they do announce is the one they settled on, so there’s no point to seeing them suggest each possibility – you should only have to do the bring-up-and-discard thing when you know readers will expect it but there’s some particular reason why not this time. Similarly, your reasons for why they pick Ash didn’t need to be spelled out (unless you’re trying to preempt the people who say Ash sucks, but if they insist Ash sucks for losing, telling them again that he was up against legendary pokemon isn’t going to change their minds). A conversation should be adding information, not listing off things people already know. For example, if you made up a bunch of new competitors, for example, having the point of the conversation to be briefly bringing those up to give any idea of what Ash would be going against in the tournament could add suspense.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788541/1/Isles-of-Ruin

[The Eevee shifted her weight, felling the weight of the necklace around her neck.]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

“feeling”

How does an extra-fluffy fox fashion a necklace?

[Vivian took a deep breath and touched her necklace.]

Pretty sure she already is. You’re writing like this is a human, where people often are covered in clothes but have bare hands that can easily bend and grasp things at chest height. If you’re going to write about pokemon characters you need to think about all the ways they’d function differently. And while it’s okay to use human names for them as part of the same translation convention as their speech, you should consider that they should have a really consistent naming convention instead of styled like the cultural mishmash of modern culture where people from all over the world can end up living side by side and new parents can google for the most obscure baby name to give their children.

[A few hours later in Brooklet Hill]

You shouldn’t be labeling scenes. Just put it in the narration normally.

[Footnotes – Characters introduced this chapter:

Vivian – Eevee

Hazel – Torracat

Jake – Pikachu

Phoebe – Lurantis]

You also really don’t need this. You wrote what each one was in the story itself. People can remember what happened five paragraphs back.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788709/1/Lucas-s-Nightmare

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788793/1/Betrayal-Death-and-Vengence

[Ash just got back home from Unova and dropped off all his pokemon at Prof. Oak’s Pokemon Ranch excluding Pikachu(for obvious reasons).

“Alright Pikachu, ready to get home and have a well-cooked meal from Mom?” Ash asked his brother in arms(if you think about it, it completely makes sense).]

You really shouldn’t be packing your story with notes to the reader.

[10 Minutes Earlier

Location: Ketchum House]

Just write this into the narration properly.

[Knock* *Knock*]

And this.

[a James Bond gun ]

…look, it’s okay if you don’t know guns, it doesn’t really matter here, but then just say “a gun”.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Fuck.” she thought.]

You shouldn’t have quotation marks around thoughts, it makes it look like she’s saying this out loud instead. Either put no marks on it and rely on the “she thought” tag, or use italics.

[ he asked his Zeus-powered rodent.

“Really, Zeus-powered rodent?!” he yelled at the author.

“Hey! No fourth-wall breaking! What do you think this bullshit is, motherfuckin’ Deadpool Invades Pokemon?!” the author complained.

“…Yes.” he replied with no emotion and then starts laughing his ass off.]

No, because Deadpool is actually funny.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788849/1/Trials-of-A-Ranger

[ It was the first Cadet meeting for the newly chartered Pallet town, and the parents had decided once all of the children had turned five we should start our education and wilderness training. Not only were we the last family to move to town but my birthday was the latest in the year, so everyone else had to wait on me.]

While I like that things are starting earlier rather than later for once, this is precisely why nobody actually waits on birthdays and instead uses the system of everyone who’s age X by a certain day. You know this because it’s how all our schools work.

[These brave men were veterans and Rangers who had faced horrors of the sea, sky, and land. Their minds had been warped by the battlefield and they longed for the simplicity of a rustic lifestyle with the simple job of protecting women and children.]

Not only is this sort of casual sexism inherently annoying but it doesn’t even make internal sense – you go on to explicitly say there are girls in the class getting the same training.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Cadet Blue, mind explaining why you have a can of coffee grounds taking up precious space in your survival pack?”

Blue answered, with a smirk, “To enhance awareness in the early morning, giving me the edge during our tracking exercise.”]

Instant coffee is a thing and it’s what people generally actually use for stuff like this.

[Coffee, I nearly shook my head in disgust. The price of shipping it all the way out here would have covered two weeks of rations and a weatherproof jacket.

The professor was known to have it brought in while working on especially time critical projects, but even then it was only as an extreme measure.]

How, exactly? If shipping costs are that prohibitive, it sounds like they’re far away from anywhere, in which case rations and jackets need to also be shipped in. If you want Blue to be some rich kid twit, pick a more expensive drug. Fancy energy drinks, at the very least.

[ And to do it alone. If you manage to survive and return to Pallet with your new partner, the Professor will inspect the quality of the monster and we will enter you into the database as official Rangers]

Nope. You opened this saying tons of people died fighting back sea monsters and then that this town was an attempt to colonize new ground. This isn’t a world where there are enough people to throw them away (and [thirteen grueling years of intensive survival training] – the amount of resources the community’s had to pour into these kids is extensive) on intentionally deadly tests. If you want a setup where the cultural attitude is only the strong are worthy of membership, you need a world that isn’t beset by outside forces.

A stable world, mostly. Instead of this being a new outpost, old cities with old walls. Limited space and resources but plenty of time, so that it makes sense they’d rather have some supertrainers and some dead kids than a bigger population of mediocre trainers.

[With a start, I looked up and saw that the Poliwag was still alive, slowly writhing in pain. I rushed to its side and without thinking began to inspect its wounds with more care. I uncapped my water bottle, setting it beside the injured Pokemon while hurriedly unpacking my sewing kit. I stitched its stomach back together with lightening speed, time seeming to slow and my hands moved smoothly through each motion as I worked.

I paused incrementally to pour some of the clean water from my bottle over the Poliwag to prevent it from drying out. Hoping it was stabilized enough, I unclipped the lone empty pokeball from my belt and tapped it to the Poliwag’s side.]

It also doesn’t make sense that a world willing to risk getting the next generation killed to make sure they have what it takes would accept some mangled loser of a pokemon as a starter. The task here was to survive, and while he may have succeeded, the poliwag is objectively a failure – the rattata that he drove off would’ve been a far better option.

A world that accepts that just because the poliwag needed a rescue now doesn’t mean it can’t be useful later is a world that’d believe the same thing of the kids instead of going for sink or swim graduation.

(And if you’d actually gone the route of staying consistent and having everyone hate that he acted based on kindness rather than utility instead of him passing with flying colors, that could’ve been interesting.

[ “Red, you are to report to the Indigo Plateau for further instructions. Blue and Yellow, the Viridian Gym has requested you by name. Green, you are to appear before the Fuchsia Gym where you will be evaluated for placement. Grey, you have been assigned to the Cerulean Cave guard post.”

We stood in shock for a moment. Most Rangers, after completion of the Cadet program, were granted leave for up to three years to travel, train, and attain proper licensing for Utility Moves by facing the gyms. To receive active assignments so early in our careers was unheard of. ]

Ugh, why does it have to be? Opening your story by saying the entire group is already the very best like no one ever was is a terrible sign. It kills tension and sounds sueish as hell.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12788900/1/Brighter

Blocked! Which makes for a good stopping point yet again.

 

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