NaRe 2018 Day 8 (18)

Back to a world full of people waking up and walking over to a professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789220/1/Adventure

There are over ten thousand stories just on this site in this category with “pokemon” in their title. “New” features in almost two thousand. There are over six hundred “chronicles”, more if you include misspellings, even more with “begins” and “beginning”, and even more “Character Name”‘s whatever. There are a thousand with “legend”. There are two thousand with “journey”, eighteen hundred with “story”, three hundred fifty with “quest”, and almost three thousand with “adventure”. The different region names appear another thousand or two times. “Saga”, “region” and “champion” come in around a few hundred. You should try to choose an original title that has to do with your story in particular, not something that indicates it’s yet another story about a pokemon trainer.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Don’t really know why, but ever since I was a kid I was just fixated on the vision of living life as it went, always a free roaming man with the wisdom compiled from countless adventures. What a glorious life, free of social expectations of becoming a student, stuck at a desk for several hours learning about Pokemon theatrics and Pokecology. ]

Then he really should’ve left at ten like everybody else.

[Well let’s see, I have to take out my map and see where Sandgem Town is, that’s where the old Professor lives, ah right there. Just go straight down the road and I’ll be there in no time.]

Speaking of professors and things that have been done a million times more than was necessary, if nothing unusual happens and everything plays out just like expected, there’s no point in telling us. Is there anything unique about your story? Then start it there.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Alright Bo, let’s get it. Here’s the game plan, keep a distance from the Gible, he’s got smaller limbs so ]

so his limb length is irrelevant because he attacks by biting.

[I tell Bo to finish it, as he moves into finish the fragile-looking Gible who finally lands on its back, defeated and unconscious. She calls it back, and sighs. “Not really much I could do there, good battle.” ]

“Fragile”, really? The stocky round ball that’s half mouth? So your character is an enormous sue who’ll constantly win regardless, and battles are even more pointless than usual.

And then the entire story repeats because you proofread that badly.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790672/1/Rebirth

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[nimbasa city, present day – touko]

For christ’s sake. You don’t look artsy, you just look like a pretentious idiot.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[She was so excited to see him come back again, especially when he left her without a word two years ago. It was the exact same reason why she didn’t want to see his face again, hoping she’d move on and get over him for good. Reminding herself to think with her head and not with her heart, she chose to get off the gondola as fast as she can. ]

Making her decision entirely based on bizarre romcom logic about how she can’t see a person because she has a crush on him and is apparently either so emotionally crippled or just plain stupid she thinks the only way to “get over” the crush is to never encounter him again is not thinking with her head.

See, this sort of bullshit is why I wanted to avoid as much romance fic as possible. It eats plot, it eats characterization, it eats the basic concept of cause and effect, until all that’s left is the relationship.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792347/1/Dreams-That-You-Dreamed

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

I quite like the detail of all this, and the importance of the church. However…

[“But WE, we here in Alola know our place. We know the Pokémon around us are our equals, we know that it is only by the grace of the gods above us that we have not been struck down and suffered the way our neighbours have. For centuries, we have been free from turmoil and tragedy. We were the first region to end the conflict with Pokémon, to live with them in harmony, and since then we have seen only peace. Yet we will only continue to have peace so long as we reject the sins that have consumed the other regions. We will only be free from apocalypse if we reject the practices that are trying to infiltrate our islands. I pray that you all stand with me and swear to Solgaleo, to Lunala, to Tapu Koko, swear to them that you will not let these foreign poisons seep into our shores!”]

Alola’s actually not half as into talking about pokemon as equals as some previous regions, and that seems like it’s a large part of where their veneration of the tapu seems to fit in. A lot of regions present themselves as having a rather flattened society while Alola’s much more hierarchical. There’s a basic tapu/human/other pokemon setup, then there’s finer gradations within that, like the kahuna at the top and island challenge dropouts at the bottom, or how ninetales were venerated compared to some other pokemon. So, while I agree they’re really into tradition and not rocking the boat, if they were looking down on other regions, they’d probably tie it to large pokemon teams given most Alolans only keep a single pokemon and the idea that either the pokemon are unnaturally elevated/given importance by saying they’re true equals at the cost of concern for other people, or too much time with the big team makes kids grow up to view other people as a resource like they would pokemon, or something else along the lines of everyone not being in their proper place. Because every region at least mentions pokemon as partners, but Alola’s unusual for how much they make pokemon into a utility – raising up tauros to send to random people as ride pokemon instead of pokemon only serving their trainers, for example. Or intentionally bringing in a new species of pokemon to reduce the population of another. Similarly, while it’s not clear quite what happened with Team Skull’s predecessor, their enemy team as of the games is primarily in conflict with others over where individuals fit into the larger society and who deserves respect from who.

In contrast, glad this one got kicked over to me – at very worst, whatever interesting thing it appears to be doing will be more of the author’s own regional Hawaiian dynamic than Alola, and that’s still fine.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789861/1/Becoming-Awesome

[RATTATA, a normal type pokémon, was using a fire type attack. I could even see the floorboards of the stage under the RATTATA begin to turn black with charcoal. I feared the whole caravan would catch fire, but just as easily as it had ignited, the RATTATA put out his flames with a single swish of his tail.]

Your horrible choice to ALLCAPS is made only more confusing by how naturalistic and grounded the rest of this is.

Write out numbers with letters.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[First time trainers used their life savings to buy one of these rare creatures. This was the primary way for newbie trainers in Twinleaf to obtain their starter pokémon. Why settle for a common STARLY or BIDOOF when you could have a SNUBBULL or DRATINI? This was also how I planned to get my first pokémon.

At least… that WAS my plan. When I turned 10, the caravans stopped visiting. Mr. Fantastic was the last to sell to our town. Somehow, after he left, he created a chain reaction with all the other caravans. With each passing month, the visitors arrived with less and less to offer. They had no pokémon and most didn’t even have a show! The drivers apologized tremendously saying there were just too many young trainers in the world now and not enough goods to go around.]

This isn’t how money works.

If there’s an increase in demand, then either there’s an increase in supply or an increase in price. They might start peddling crappier pokemon, they might start demanding ridiculously high prices, they might do both, but unless this is a planned economy where the government’s set the max prices they can charge and has strict rules on what pokemon they’re allowed to sell, someone would work out a way to tap this market. The normal reason caravans stop providing goods is because people can’t afford them. If the increase in trainers buying pokemon elsewhere raises the prices and this isolated rural is poor, a sharp hike in prices could mean kids there can no longer afford them.

[ Other than baby STARLY and BIDOOF who were too weak to battle, the only other Pokémon worth catching were those who migrated during the breeding season, but I had my heart set on something more.

After a year passed, I found myself well behind most kids who leave home and start their journeys. I was running out of time

and running out of hope.]

And this…if the kid is so into awesome pokemon, and she knows everywhere else is where the awesome pokemon live, why is she getting so hung up on her first pokemon instead of getting a boring local one so she can leave and go catch awesome ones? Just because fanfic makes an enormous deal of a first pokemon doesn’t mean it actually means anything in-universe. To spare herself a week of having to put up with a boring pokemon, she’s now spent an extra year surrounded by boring pokemon. That isn’t how people behave.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789864/1/Hoenn-Where-it-all-began

Capitalize your title properly.

Don’t bold half your story.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You don’t need to repeat the game’s opening exposition on what pokemon are. Fanfic readers get it. You also don’t need to repeat the Hoenn truck opening yet again. What about your story is different from every other one? That’s where it should be starting.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Write out numbers with letters.

[(for future reference, I will be shortening Professor to Prof) ]

Both putting a note inside your story and the content of that note are terrible.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12789897/1/Pokemon-Ultra-Moon-Fighting-A-Friend

Spoilerz, apparently.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790071/1/Rising-from-the-Ashes-Kalos

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790099/1/When-We-Say-Goodbye-Broken-Marissonshipping

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I’m not sure I get the central conflict here.

Generally, strict custody timesharing is because at least one parent has to be legally forced to give the child to the other. If Mairin wants Alain to still be in contact with their kid, then getting full custody but letting him come by whenever he does get free time, or even offering to drop her off for short periods where they can do something together, seems like the best solution for everyone. It’s not like getting full custody automatically issues a restraining order against the other parent to never see their kid again, and even if it is upsetting that she couldn’t force Alain to spend more time with their kid, it’s still enormously better than the current situation of a five year old sitting alone in an apartment for a week.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790177/1/World-of-Ruin

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

I like the idea of this, but it’s a bit awkward. It’s hard to believe Moon is just completely oblivious when he’s shouting at her to stop from the moment she releases her pokemon. It’d make more sense to have him dumbfounded and not able to react in time. It’d also help if it were better established he was stuck there – as it is, [“What am I…going to do now?” he whispered, before falling onto the ground again “Mr. Glutton and his friends were the only reason I stayed. Now…they’re all gone.”] lacks bite because, well, just wait for another random portal. He should be clearer about not having seen one of those in ages if it’s not meant to be an option.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790505/1/A-Spark-of-Life

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

[ As a tradition in Pallet Town, children who reach their tenth birthday are given the option of going to the local laboratory, and receiving their very own Pokemon to go out on a journey. If they choose not to, they cannot leave the town until they become an adult.]

It really doesn’t make sense to make it an all or nothing situation like that. Who exactly benefits by saying if you don’t get one on your birthday you’re stuck? And who benefits by saying you’re not allowed to leave at all?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[ “Come now. I think it’s about time we get you your first Pokemon.”]

No, the final line of your first chapter is in fact way, way past the point your character should already have their pokemon. The goal of writing is not to see how much of the reader’s time you can waste.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790531/1/Blubbles-the-Squirtle

lrn2troll

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790544/1/Announcements

You announce you have a fic by actually posting the damn thing instead of telling people it’s on its way.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790563/1/Ketchum-Saga-1-Reborn

[Can Prince Ash make Kanto great again (sorry for that line if it offends anyone) ]

Then rephrase it.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[almost feint in fear.]

Faint.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

“Its” is the possessive form. “It’s” means “it is” only.

“Your” is possessive, “you’re” is short for “you are”.

[“You talk like a butler, Uncle Ben. Is something wrong?”

“Young master, what kind of butler would I be if I would have the prince not know who I was? Oh wait.”]

The kind who’s sane. The idea that the guy who raised a kid from infancy is just the butler because all that matters is noble blood is disgusting. There’s nothing actually special about royalty. That’s why they couldn’t do anything about it when the rest of us rose up and stabbed our way through them to democracy and human rights.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790594/1/Newest-Additions

Blocked!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790713/1/Misty-s-Fartacular-Adventure

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

So I realize this is porn, but I feel you could’ve spent more effort on giving Misty a decent motivation here. If you’re not working this into who the character is, why even post it as fanfic about these particular characters rather than original fiction?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790226/1/Missing

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Not really sure what to make of this. Certainly it’s a different point to start at, but I’m not sure how conductive it is to a longer Pokemon fanfic to say all pokemon are gone. Hyper grimdark openings tend to not go anywhere.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790226/2/Missing

…and this chapter is just “and then another pokemon got sick!” So, yeah. And ending with Serena running her pokemon to the pokecenter has negative tension – you not only told us in the first chapter that yeah, they’re all dead, but you also spent this chapter establishing that pokemon that get sick die and there’s nothing pokecenters can do.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12790821/1/Contender

Trainers start at ten.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Second is the 15 year old grandson of Professor Oak, Gary Oak. Gary Oak has always been known to be smooth in every sense of the word. Not much seems to faze him and he just goes with the flow of what happens around him. He has always wanted the water type, Squirtle, to be his starter pokemon due to his fluid personality. Squirtles go with the flow just like Gary does and will prove their will to be the best or even just relax.]

If you just want to write your own OCs I don’t know why you felt you had to staple canon names onto them.

[All three trainers have been taught the basics of being a trainer since they were ten years old and could all be considered extremely knowledgeable on all parts of battling and caring for their pokemon. They know how to battle, heal, cook for pokemon, care for them, and even know how to care for pokemon eggs and raising an infant pokemon. When the three were thirteen, professor Oak took them to Azalea Town in the Johto Region to learn the art of making pokeballs from Kurt, an expert pokeball maker. For some reason, people think that specialty pokeballs are made exclusively with Apricorns when in reality they can be made with most inanimate objects. He taught them everything he knew about making pokeballs and with a creative idea from Gary and Ash, they helped him make a new custom type of pokeball.]

So they did absolutely everything but the actual thing they need to be trainers, because of course, of course actually training pokemon is the last thing you’d want trainers to learn to do. It’s a million times more important they learn to make pokeballs for all those pokemon they aren’t catching and raising.

[They managed to infuse the technology used in the pokedex that identifies the scanned pokemon and combined that tech with artificial made ditto cells to be able to change the appearance of the pokeball. This was proven correct when Kurt used one of these special pokeballs to catch a wild geodude near the town and it developed a rocky surface similar to that of the geodude. With their success, Kurt helped each future trainer make a total of thirty of the aptly named Transform Balls which have the catch rate similar to that between a great ball and an ultra-ball. The name became even more appropriate later in the year.

Kurt called professor Oak and asked to talk to Leaf, Gary, and Ash. He told them that the geodude he caught in the pokeball evolved and with it, the pokeball itself changed. He described the changing process as similar to the Pokémon’s evolution. The ball glowed white, and he noticed small parts of the ball morph slightly. When the evolution stopped, the pokeball stopped glowing and he noticed the change more clearly. The ball now had the six “eyebrow” ridges of a Graveler above the main button with two rocky line above the line and below the line to match the four rocky limbs of the pokemon. The three were ecstatic about this and looked forward using them on their journeys when they turned fifteen.]

Just because you have an idea you think is cool does not mean everyone in-universe needs to go on about it as if it actually matters. Just say pokeballs look like pokemon because you want them to in this fic and spare everyone the attempt to claim this cosmetic difference it a huge deal.

And now they’re getting starter pokemon that are each special sue babies and then Ash gets a triple sue ultra dragon shiny charmander. Maybe you thought that laboriously explaining why they have everything would make it seem better, but instead it just makes it all the more blatant that everything is only here because you think it’s cool and not because it actually serves a larger point in the story.

For some reason this one has thirteen reviews.

7 Comments

  1. Talarc says:

    For some reason this one has thirteen reviews.

    They asked for nickname suggestions, so of course a gaggle of people showed up to bark the most generic nicknames for their sue charmander at them.

    I didn’t mention the starters in my own review because I’d long since lost interest by that point, but I always thought that the starter pokémon would have been specially bred to be easy for rookie trainers to raise anyway. Having them be extra-super-special starters just feels excessive and boring.

    1. Farla says:

      I mean, you’re right asking for suggestions gives a boost, but it’s also got sixty-eight follows.

      I always thought that the starter pokémon would have been specially bred to be easy for rookie trainers to raise anyway.

      Technically, game canon seems to be that they’re just extremely rare and the professor is giving them to bribe you into doing some task…but here like most fanfic that isn’t the idea.

      Either way, the idea that these are super starters is awful. If they know how to do it reliably, it’d be standard, if they don’t know how to do it, the pokemon’s capabilities should be unknown. Everyone always wants their special hybrids to be the original creature plus a bunch of extras with no downsides, but they also don’t want there to be the concerted long term breeding project it’d take, because only main characters should get cool pokemon.

  2. Septentrion says:

    [Can Prince Ash make Kanto great again]

     

    I feel like Royality!Ash is going to be a trend.

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    1. Keleri says:

      My friend runs a pokemon forum with an RP section and “pokemon royalty” RPs were popular for a while until the players realized they had to behave obsequeously toward the nobility PCs. They switched back to the usual Journey, Edgy Journey, and School standbys.

      1. Farla says:

        What happened if everyone picked royalty? Did they just stand around being rude and then super offended at each other, but unable to do anything because no matter how much they rang the bell the lazy servants just would not show up with the tray of their dueling pokeballs?

        3
        1. Keleri says:

          Luckily there were tons of faceless servant NPCs to bring the dueling pokeballs and opium. The longest-lived ones tended to have an NPC king and queen with the PCs all a variety of lesser nobility, but those died too after everyone stood around flirting for a while because no one wanted to commit to any kind of actual plot. ROOOOOOLE PLAAAAAAAYING

          1. illhousen says:

            Yeah, that sounds about right as far as my experience with RP forums goes. I remember once getting drunk with a friend and going, “OK, that urban fantasy forum sucks, nothing happens. Let’s turn our characters into serial killers buddies.” Which we then did. 

            (Of course, stupid rules about how no one dies without their player’s permission that forum followed meant we just killed a bunch of NPCs and had some PCs pose at us, so ultimately murder proved unfulfilling. Shame that.)

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