NaRe 2018 Day 9 (10)

Frustrating wording abounds.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791189/1/Tales-of-Reborn-The-Six-Rifts-of-the-Heaven

[It was a heavy cold the one that swallowed the station that night, enough to pierce lungs and turn skin as pale as marble. The only visible light belonged to a rusty lamp, sitting atop a metal pole. It twinkled in and out once every few seconds, threatening to plunge everything into darkness.]

So my overall impression of this is that you’re throwing together words you remember seeing in dimly similar circumstances and the result is a mix of cliché and word salad. Think more about what you intend to communicate. This only gets worse as the fic goes on.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

I’m going to assume the root problem with this one is RPers being more into winning the fancy-off with other players than knowing what words mean.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791585/1/Earth-Never-Stops

[Oreburgh Mine is Sinnoh’s only remaining source of coal and, as such, serves as its main source of electricity alongside Flowey Meadows’ countless wind turbines. ]

[As such, it requires constant functioning ]

No. The one nice thing about coal is it doesn’t go bad. Wind turbines are directly generating electricity. If they stop, so does the electricity. Coal is stuff you shovel into the power plant, it doesn’t transmute into electricity the moment you pull it out. The only way the mine needs to run 24/7 is if they’re burning the coal as fast as they get it, and even then, there’s going to be a whole bunch of coal at the plant and on its way to the plant so the power won’t stop until that runs out too. And that’s pretty easy to handle by increasing work for a short while to make up the difference, unless they’re also running at max mining capacity already, in which case they should be well aware this is a terrible idea because the moment anything goes wrong, even regular things like a seam of coal running low, everything falls apart.

[an iron health]

You mean iron constitution.

[“Right? The sub’s not here though, so he can’t entirely leave us without having another foreman to make sure it’s secure.”]

Look. If you want to write a fic where Roark overworks himself, just say he overworked himself rather than piling on a whole host of absurdities about how this mine is both so incredibly vital yet so delicate and unable to function properly if the slightest thing goes wrong.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791613/1/Pikachu-is-hungry

Capitalize your title properly.

Crackfic is something with an absurd premise. The word you’re looking for is “badfic”.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Spellcheck.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791680/1/Daughter

[The occupant could hear the ringing of the casino in the distance, and cringed. She’d never been fond of the place, as didn’t blend in with the rest of the city. And it had gotten so many young Trainers dangerously hooked… There was an arcade next to it as a safe alternative, but the occupant doubted many used it…]

No, it doesn’t. Celadon is also the place with the giant department store and the giant apartment building and the thriving Team Rocket presence. It fits perfectly. Also, the only meaningful difference between the casino and an arcade is that people are theoretically capable of winning at a casino. Have you never been inside an arcade? Most have machines that spit out tickets you can exchange for a cheap prize that’s a fraction of what was spent playing and the other ones just suck down coins for the sake of it.

[Yet the intrusive noises of the casino were soon canceled out by the pleasant music drifting through the air. The occupant nodded approvingly. The people of Kanto had asked to build a Radio Tower in Celadon, in order to mimic the one in nearby Johto.

She had let them, and it proved to be one of the best decisions she made in her life.

Not only did it attract more people to the city, but the music always was quite pleasing to her ears. However, the occupant liked a lot of music, so pleasing her wasn’t hard. But still, she appreciated the development.

Now, the Radio Tower’s music was mixed in with the calls of the early rising merchants. They were from the local department store, and they hoped anyone would try their products. The massive department store towered over everything, so the occupant didn’t think it needed shouting merchants to draw attention.]

…do you think a “radio tower” is a pile of giant speakers playing sounds from the radio?

Also, the radio tower is in Lavender, which makes sense given that’s the farthest point from the Goldenrod one and given Celadon is already packed.

[Flowers and plants also decorated the entire landscape, illuminated by the warm sunlight. And then there were the elaborate gardens kept by the city’s residents, filled the brim with greenery of every kind. The occupant was quickly reminded of the enormous garden she herself kept, and that tending to the garden took priority over any shopping.

But she still smiled.

Celadon may have been a massive city, but it was the city of green and beauty.]

That’s Vermilion. They’re the ones who say they’re careful about avoiding pollution. Celadon’s the one where you can find grimer in the water and Erika’s got her gym off to the far corner and with the way blocked by trees.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And now an enormous ending note. If you have to explain and justify everything afterward, it’s a sign something has gone horribly wrong in your fic.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791791/1/Operation-SIFT-The-Harbinger-of-Destruction

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

You really do not need to explain what pokemon are to people who came here to read pokemon fanfic. You especially did not need to write it out as the script for some video that does not exist instead of actual narration.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[He typed in “Atlas”, all caps. No luck. ]

Given it’s five letters long, yeah, obviously. These days IT rarely even accepts the old six letter minimum and demands eight, and often that they not all be single cased letters. And this is Team Rocket, where people sneaking in is actually a legitimate concern! At the least it should be his full name.

[the crimson eyed male ]

Avoid awful epithets.

Also, why didn’t he just have his pokemon out already if his only plan for getting caught was to have a pokemon battle?

[Atlas’s jaw dropped, and he recalled his fallen Pokémon.

“How the hell-“]

…because it was a houndoom against an alakazam? An alakazam spamming an ineffective ghost move, no less. If this is supposed to come off as badass and impressive, you should’ve given Atlas a machamp or golem.

And now you have him beat up Ash to look cool, I guess? But stuff like [Pikachu released a powerful bolt of electricity in Houndoom’s direction; it effortlessly sidestepped the attack.] just makes you sound like a fragile-ego godmodder, especially when smaller, faster Pikachu can’t dodge the larger, slower, explicitly less accurate fire blast. And it’s not even personally impressive, since his orders are crap, it’s all on the houndoom’s ability to flash step, use lock-on without anyone realizing, and throw around stupid amounts of damage in just two attacks. There’s not even a point to the fight. It’s just to establish your sue is the most sue.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12791902/1/Steps-of-Thunder

[I had been in this state many times before, unremitting and unadulterated suspense and anticipation. Despite the many times I have been in this state of unending and magniloquent tension, it has never lost its allure to me.

I have come a long way to prove that not only am I the best, but my pokemon as well. While I sit in rivited suspense, my mind can’t help but wander back to the beginning. It seemed like so long ago…]

The thing that really confuses me about this is it reads like you were abusing an online thesaurus yet you misspelled riveted when the same internet should be providing you with the spelling.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

[Because of my father’s knowledge of these predatory birds, my father denied me the ability to become a pokemon trainer.]

See, normally, the surrounding sentences would explain why his dad’s knowledge meant he couldn’t be a pokemon trainer. Instead, the surrounding sentences are that trainers ride them just fine and that he has to work with them constantly, so there isn’t even the implied “they’re predatory so maybe dangerous so maybe that’s why” to latch onto.

[Over the course of several centuries, the minimal age in which pokemon trainers could begin their journey was raised from twelve to seventeen as pokemon grew and evolved alongside people.]

As people became better at handling pokemon, the age they were capable of handling pokemon went up?

[ Because of this, pokemon was a required subject in school starting at eighth grade. Students learned about the biology of them, wilderness survival tactics, and the main locations of most common pokemon, as well as a few rarer and more dangerous pokemon.]

For god’s sake, we start telling children about animals when they’re in preschool. You already said your character isn’t allowed to be a trainer at the normal age because something something his dad, why are you compounding that by adding that also nobody else gets to be one either because you somehow don’t know how schools work?

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Then why are you asking her to help us!? You and Dad sold her pokemon to the Trader’s Guide when she visited us after she got her sixth badge and told you about the death of Ram. She had to give everything she had to get them back from the Trader’s Guide]

How exactly did his parents manage to sell his cousin’s stuff? Zero of my aunts and uncles can legally sell my property. If they attempted to do so, it’d be theft, and they’d better be ready to explain why they thought this was a good decision to a judge. And this isn’t some random knickknack where it’s not obvious who the owner was. Pokemon being registered to their trainer comes up over and over and over.

[My mother looked at me, tears in her eyes, and I continued, “Ram didn’t die in the gym battle, he died while protecting Monique from poachers! And then you set off one of Dad’s brute of a Staraptor! And then, here’s the fun part,” I said with a sarcastic smile before continuing, “her Infernape strangled it while burning it alive with a Flamthrower to protect her! And then you and Dad sold her pokemon to the Traders Guide after telling him that her Pokemon blatantly attacked one of his prized breeding birds!”]

Do you know what isn’t a dramatic revelation? Someone screaming that the thing that’s never been mentioned was actually something totally different. I mean, this ridiculous level of melodrama was never going to work well, but you could’ve tried.

[“It was to protect YOU!” My mother roared as she slammed her hand on the steering wheel, tears flowing freely now as she sobbed.

“I don’t need to be protected!” I cried back viciously. “I’m seventeen years old, I’m not a child anymore! I’m very capable of protecting myself!”]

Also, maybe he should care slightly more about the fact his mom just said she ordered a pokemon to try to kill his cousin in the name of protecting him than just whining about how he personally doesn’t need protecting. Because normal people would find being willing to kill anyone else to be the more relevant part of this.

[The Gengar then turned at my mother after Dox disappeared and fired a Shadow Ball at her. I screamed in fright as it collided with her and flung her to the side. I ran over to her as half her stomach and all of her left leg turned to ash, and she began to bleed out. I knelt down next to her and cried as she looked at me, her face contorted with pain.]

Cool, murder mom is down, now if someone can just take out the “It’s all about me!” main character, maybe this story can be about people who aren’t awful instead.

[Ok, the book will be better than the first chapter, I promise. This was pretty much a filler and the next chapter will be a bit of one too,]

If it’s filler, don’t waste time writing it to waste everyone else’s time reading it. Start the story when it stops being filler instead.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792040/1/Mirror-Mirror

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[Then a second thought occurred, if this is the Pokémon world, then that means there’s an Ash Ketchum, and when there’s him and me in the same universe, there will be a death between the two, being him. I smile evilly as I now plot my way to find him.]

This is the stupidest thing I’ve read so far.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792074/1/Pokémon-Mystery-Dungeon-Spatial-Catalyst

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[Confused, the human instinctively attempted to move, but a sharp, splitting pain shot through his entire body, compelling the human to cease the attempt and wince in pain. ]

You see how this is a long, meandering sentence? That’s not really a feel that fits with anything sharp or sudden. What does “instinctively” add to this sentence? He’s doing this only after looking around at everything he can see and humans don’t actually possess a “move because I’m in a cave” instinct anyway, so it sure looks like it’s a regular decision he made. Then there’s “compelling the human to cease the attempt” which is the most distant and vague possible way to say “he stopped because it hurt” – and really, you didn’t even need to say that, people can probably figure out that if there’s splitting pain, he’s going to be wincing in pain without you laying it out.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792126/1/Failure-is-the-Greatest-Teacher

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things – or used in place of one, like “mom” can be. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12792137/1/Connecting-Dots

Bluh. Can’t really think of anything to say about this but that I’m bored to tears by the “canon characters have long conversations laboriously explaining extremely basic characterization elements” genre, and it’s really hard to where the actual issue ends and the fact I don’t care about the canon characters in the first place begins.

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