A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13469356/

Thank you for the review! I’m glad to see my story contribute to NaRe, for better or for worse.

Previously, I’ve never figured out exactly how I’m writing dialogue wrong, but comparing your dialogue paragraph with my own work helped me realize that I’m writing sentences without speech verbs incorrectly. Thank you for that, I believe that I’ve made the necessary corrections.

In retrospect, I have to agree that making the Elite Four a bunch of idiots wasn’t necessary. My thought process behind that scene was to establish a threat with Team Plasma, while reinforcing the idea that the Pokemon League is either unable or too incompetent to help, as the games tend to present. That said, I could’ve done that without giving Marshal his outburst.

You are correct in assuming that most of the characters were intentionally made into assholes. I’ve got most of the story planned out already, and my ultimate goal is for Juan to learn that his preparation and overconfidence often amounts to nothing when he runs into a bit of bad luck. Whether or not that idea is interesting or entertaining is subjective, but I do think that I could ham up some of the unlikable characters in order to grab readers’ attention before the plot resolves. I plan on completing the story by the end of January, at which point I’d like to go back to make Juan and company more “entertainingly selfish,” as you aptly put it.

Again, I appreciate the review, especially the story-specific criticism. Have a Happy New Year.

A response to your review at https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13470536/

Aww, Farla, you sweetheart. Thanks for taking the time to read — and for the fave! I’m super flattered.

Haha, yeah I know how you feel about adult trainers. I’ve read your writing guide, and I think you’ve got *a lot* of very smart things to say. Aged up trainers is probably one of the few areas where we diverge. This is probably an agree-to-disagree, but I’ll lay out my reasoning anyway:

1) First and foremost, I’m simply not as interested in writing about ten-year-olds. I teach kids age 5-18, and the littler ones by far take more effort for me to engage with. I do know some smart elementary school kids, but the teens are way more savvy and complicated. Still definitely babies in my book, all the more so because they think they know what they’re doing. But still kids. If I’m gonna write fan fiction, I’m gonna pursue what’s interesting to me, done and done.

2) I know that pokemon is a product of Japan, where little kids *are* more independent and where things are generally safer. But growing up in the US, with all our Amber Alerts, etc, I cannot fathom a world that lets children trek around the woods by themselves. Just doesn’t make sense to me. Especially because the wild pokemon would be only one of many dangers. I’m not trying to write Poke-pocalyse dark, but I like the wilderness and the cities both to feel genuinely threatening. I like fussing over camping equipment and trail conditions. I like a world where trainers who don’t pay attention get eaten or fall off a cliff (the most common type of hiking related death in our world) or just plain lost. If there’s a fair chance you could die doing it, you should have to be a legal adult to choose it.

3) One could argue that maybe kids in this world are taught more camping and survival skills at a young age and therefore younger kids *would* be savvy enough to go camping alone… BUT. I imagine life as a trainer as more of a side hustle and a grind, like being an artist or a youtuber. Like, there are costs that go into it. (I mentioned a hostel in the first sentence — no free pokecenter lodging. No handouts.) Lots of people try it and run out of money and have to quit. Meaning schools still cover STE(A)M and push students toward regular jobs. This world still needs doctors and lawyers and — as we’ll see — cops. I think that, as much as trainers are a celebrated and a legitimate part of the economy, they’re also seen as an optional luxury, or like a hobby. Again, like the arts. It’s hard for me to imagine they’d be able to cram in that much more wilderness training for kids if they’re still trying to teach English and geometry and all that too. Maybe some, but not a ton. Like, just because I had phys ed does not mean I’m qualified to become a body builder without lots of extra help. I imagine getting licensed to train requires an extra class after school or on weekends plus an exam, kinda like driver’s ed.

4) I imagine that most trainers go off at 18 almost like a gap year, instead of doing it at 10. See the world a little, come back and get a “real job” and/or go to college. Chapter two will touch on that a little. So there are definitely older, established trainers, and they’re in their early 20’s. (Mark is probably 22, 23 or so. And I think we can already see in this chapter alone how he’s better traveled than Natalie is, has more pokemon and of a better cut.) I imagine there are few trainers older than 30 though — gets too hard on the body, income is too irregular if you’re trying to start a family.

5) That said, I do think a lot of trainers cheat a little and start early, though unofficially. The family pet is low-key their starter, getting trained and bonding with their human every time they go for a walk. So in that sense, yeah I imagine a lot of kids do get their introduction around age 10 or 12, and “come back to it” in a real way at 18 — but this time on their own, away from home.

ALLLLLL that said… I’m glad you like the dialogue and how they’re both characterized! I think that’s what I was most anxious about back in October, so it’s great to hear it’s working so far. Hopefully I can keep it up.

ORAS — I remember you talking about it a little! I definitely think it’ll be for the best if I go off-roading with Aqua and Magma. I’m reworking them pretty heavily. Aqua especially is a real head-scratcher to try to justify when we’ve got islands in the Pacific sinking because of climate change. No, Archie–no more water. I’m taking lots of inspiration instead from The Earth Liberation Front, Earth First, The Sea Shepherds, Antifa, and other activists I’ve encountered. Geoengineering, industrial mining, tricky politicky messes ported over from our world. And also low key from my favorite professor from undergrad. Aqua and Magma are definitely equally noble — or at least, one is no more villainous than the other.

Glad you’re along for the ride! Very curious to see what you’ll think of the entire mini arc once I get the whole thing up. Especially since I only have the basic shape of what comes next. It’s a good time for speculation and brainstorming, because I’m not married to an end yet.

Cheers, friend!