https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13466763/1/Fresh-Start (0) Yup, story up almost a day, zero reviews, not a good start to this.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

This really reads like you started writing hoping a story would happen but stopped well before ever finding it. You have a setting and you have characters exchanging words, but it doesn’t add up to anything. The terribly brief conversation almost manages to be a mild argument that might indicate a slight relationship change, but instead it’s empty chiding – one criticizing a long-standing trait and also not planning to do anything to change that, the other both refusing to acknowledge the criticism and also completely fine with getting it.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13466775/1/For-old-time-sakes (1)

Capitalize your title correctly and I’m pretty sure you wanted “times sake'” and not “time sakes” there.

Write out numbers with letters.

[He wonders to himself on what happened if just stayed behind. ]

Your sentences are very choppy and often missing words. You really should proofread better or find someone to help with that.

[He had to admit he never met his relatives or actually met them until he did ]

And this is particularly incoherent.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[(TIME SKIP) ]

Really, you shouldn’t need to do this. Either have narration bridge the two or just do the jump and get the fact it’s taking place later on across in the description.

[(Unova, Castelia City)

When he landed in Unova, he felt nostalgia as he realized he landed on the outskirts of Castelia City]

Similarly, you certainly don’t need the label when your narration goes on to immediately say the location in your narration itself.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13466919/1/Letters-to-mom

Capitalize your title correctly.

[Dear mom]

[ new Pokémon ]

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym – so, for example, when used in place of her name like you’re doing here, it’s “Mom”.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

[Love ash ]

And actual straight up names? Also capitalized.

[ASH

He shut his eyes in an effort not to look at Gladion but that was not very effective in ignoring Gladion as he had other ways of reaching Ash.

GLADION

He crouched in the sand next to Ash and he knew what he had to do next.

ASH]

You do not need to label slight POV shifts in third person. People will get that you’re inside Ash or Gladion’s head by the fact the narration is reporting what’s inside their head.

Your sentences need to always end in punctuation, not just sometimes.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13466980/1/Unlike-your-wildest-dreams (2)

Capitalize your title correctly.

[There’s something wrong with the distortion world. Something about it that makes my eyes throb, my ears ring, and sets my teeth on edge.]

Okay, so I think I understand what you mean here but it’s very awkwardly put given that the distortion world being wrong is kind of the nature of the place. If the point you’re trying to make is about what being in the distortion world is like, it’s much better to more directly say “Something about the distortion world makes my eyes throb…” That puts the focus on describing the place rather than sounding like you’re talking about something that’s not supposed to be part of the place.

[There is no sound in a void. Here no one could hear me scream. I look to lips to read, though it is almost as if I know what they will say anyways. This place has its own ambient sound, muffled as though it is far away. ]

Similarly. I really think this would be far stronger if you avoided making any general statements about things or hypothetical actions and instead stuck to specific things that are actually present. “There is no sound in a void…also, there’s sound.” just adds up to a contradictory nothing. Saying that the character can’t make sounds is a far better description. Consider the difference between “here no one could hear me scream”and “when I scream I can’t hear a thing”. And that’s particularly meaningful when you’re trying to describe a situation that’s centered around being unnatural and different – why even bring up how voids are supposed to work when nothing works like it should here?

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13467288/1/but-at-least-the-war-is-over (0)

[“This pikachu needs medical attention, sir, almost as much as the kid-“]

Yeah, that was striking me as weird the whole time. I get that it’s important to the story that Pikachu despite their injuries is just focusing on how worried they are for Ash, but it seems really weird that Ash got all the way to the hospital and is currently about rolling into surgery before anyone intervened about the nearly-dead pokemon. It’d probably have made more sense to have all that happening during, say, the ambulance ride to the hospital rather than in the hospital itself.

Similarly, even if the hospital is remarkably human focused and also a generally lackluster place, it’s really hard to believe that they’d just leave a hideously injured pokemon in a pokeball for two days. And the timeframe seems completely unnecessary, since you’ve established Pikachu is too injured to understand what’s going on before that and is traumatized just by being in the pokeball. Brock could’ve shown up two minutes later instead of two days and events would’ve played out the same.

[he was probably emitted two days ago.]

Also, you want “admitted”.