A fic that does the “scary monster pokemon that must die” but without being obviously terrible, sexism sexism sexism, a particularly ludicrous retreading of the anime opening now with magic rocks, and talking pokemon continue to be nameless but super into being named by you.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13474645/1/Jig%C5%8Djitoku (0)

[It is a houndoom, but not any kind that one might see in the domestic roil of the cities, running along at its master’s heels or sitting docilely on the end of a leash. This beast has a maw which stretches from pointed ear to pointed ear, bearing cuspids as wickedly curved as a sickle moon, savagely sharp as Uaine’s scythe, sickly yellow as jaundice. Its eyes are yellow as well, dull and bilious. The toxins that burn in its body, pulsing rhythmically through the spiderweb of its veins and arteries, glow dully through the points at which its skin is thinnest: there, at the throat, and there, at its ear, and there, on its inner hind. There is a distinctly wet and visceral look to its dark fur, as though at any moment it might slough clean from its oversized skeleton, the bones of which push through the beast’s flesh as though probing in search of fresh air. ]

HM. I’m torn here – I like what you’re going for with the description, but at the same time it’s too much. To take the second line, “cuspids” seems like thesaurus abuse, since even aside from how obscure the word is it doesn’t seem to have the connotation you’d want here either compared to something like ‘fangs’, and I think if you’re comparing them to a scythe you really don’t need to also bring up a sickle moon. She wouldn’t actually know how sharp they are, anyway, so why not just say they’re as wickedly curved as Uaine’s scythe and maybe something like ‘and no doubt as savagely sharp’ since you can get away with that as a likely assumption but a definite statement should only come if she actually got chomped by the houndoom.

[The beast has barely enough time to register what has occurred, for Liath can see in its eyes the realisation that its legs can no longer support itself – realisation, she thinks, sapience, she thinks, thoughts and maybe feelings and maybe a soul – ]

I quite like that after you build up the monstrousness and danger of the houndoom, this is the note you end the fight on. Really, I like all of the characterization you’ve got here, how it walks a very good line with this being an intense and dangerous experience but still a job they’ve familiar with.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13475290/1/Saga-of-Heroes-Pokemon-Next-Generation-Volume-1 (0)

Your title is far too many words for something that tells the reader nothing in particular. What is your story actually about? Your title should reflect that, rather than a shrug that it’s got something or other to do with pokemon trainers.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[This energetic youth was known as Jack Ketchum, the son of Pokémon Master Ash Ketchum and former Kalos Serena Ketchum (nee Yvonne). He heard that his parents had started dating following the Team Flare Incident twenty years ago right and soon got married in a couple years.

They had both decided to move back to Ash’s hometown: Pallet Town in to raise their family with both continuing their respective careers all while raising their kids.]

They decided to continue their careers from the tinest backwater in Kanto, really. You straight up forgot to write out Serena’s title, which yeah, does rather explain why the fact she definitely can’t continue such her career in Kanto was not in any way a factor in the decision that Ash gets to return to his hometown.

[“No buts, listen Jack I know this is the biggest day of your life and you have been waiting four extra years to get a Pokémon.  ]

Not sure why he’s so enthused about his future of getting his butt kicked by eleven year olds.

I’m mad the anime shunted the girls off into non-battle pokemon stuff, but then I hit these kinds of things and remember it never even mattered in fandom – even given the option to let the girls have a completely separate career based that in no way threatens Ash being the best at things that actually matter, they still can’t be bothered. Serena’s career is Breakfastmaker.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13475327/1/Chosen (0)

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13475347/1/The-Johto-Wars (0)

[He hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and that meal could barely be considered meager, what with it only consisting of some white bread and bacon.

…

Dinner was alright set – another meager meal of rice and mareep. The slice of mareep was smaller than his palm and flat like a cracker.]

So, this is not really adding up right.

Meat is generally a more expensive source of calories than carbohydrates and bacon in particular is a more expensive cut. Unless something’s gone very wrong with the local markets, they would do better to sell the mareep meat and live off rice. And white bread is a very heavily processed version of flour that’s nutritionally deficient as a result – weird, if they’re going hungry, that they’d be paying a premium for something that’s lacking things they need just because it tastes better. Possibly this is an industrialized setting that’s got modern distribution chains and subsidies that make white bread cheap…but such a setting would probably not have roving tax collectors showing up at random to take your stuff.

[“The man said it was for another excursion into the Mahogany Prefecture. More food needed for the soldiers and yada yada. He said that this time, Clair would personally lead the troops.”

“Is that so?” Ethan’s voice dripped with poison. “And I suppose when she’s done, she’ll head on over to the Plateau and give Lance a special gift? One between his legs?”

“Ethan! I will not tolerate such talk at the dinner table! What’s the matter with you?”]

Yeah, what the fuck.

You don’t give any context for why Clair leading the troops means she must be blowing Lance. The first paragraph presents it like Clair being there is her doing them a favor and she wasn’t bothering with helping before. If you suggest people are trading fuck favors over this, Occam’s razor would have Ethan guessing it was Lance between Clair’s legs to get her to agree to help.

[ “And honestly, what’s the point of a Supreme Emperor if there are still wars between the prefectures? Clair can only march her army if Lance gives his go ahead. You know that.” ]

Yeah, it’s as if the most sensible setup would be that Clair is acting on Lance’s behalf to subjugate prefectures that were causing trouble. Hm. I wonder why it was more important Clair give blowjobs than anything about the worldbuilding make sense.

[ And that stubbornness she admired seemed to drag Ethan down directions that, as his mother, disturbed her. Lily knew that Ethan had lied to her; he was not going to Lyra’s house, he couldn’t stand the girl. Frankly, Lily found the girl irritating, too.  ]

Ah, and now his mom doesn’t care he lied to her face because as a man he needs to make his own choices and she’ll respect both that and his complete disrespect for her, and also let’s pause to discuss how terrible this next female character is.

[Something changed in the past year. The warlords of the Tin Prefecture and the Mahogany Prefecture started bickering over some territory between them, and somehow a small land dispute turned into a standoff. Old issues between the Cianwood and Olivine Prefectures rekindled; The Golden Prefecture decided to flex its muscle over Route 36, which greatly angered the Violet Prefecture; and, for some reason, the Silver Prefecture was taking an army into the Mahogany Prefecture.

And through it all, Supreme Emperor Lance did nothing.]

Weird how Ethan doesn’t explain that everyone else involved must also be sucking Lance off to be allowed to do that.

[ Elm stopped, and stared at Ethan’s bruised eye, tracing a finger along it. “By Arceus, what happened here?” ]

The people in Sinnoh don’t even know about Arceus so pretty unlikely anyone way over in Johto is going to be much concerned with some other region’s forgotten legendary.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13475623/1/Pokemon-Elementals (2)

[Why do they bond to our soul? Why do we not choose, but in fact the stones choose us? ]

So here’s the thing – what you’re describing is completely different than how pokemon training works, so I don’t know why you spent your chapter painstakingly reenacting first the opening of the games and then the first episode of the anime, including spending ages on Ash thinking about what stone to pick, the other characters getting to pick a stone by virtue of getting there earlier, and otherwise the story playing out precisely how it originally did. Ash is still willing to take anything even though in your story the stone thing is a one time permanent decision, so it doesn’t make any sense for someone to treat it like a starter pokemon where if you just have one you can catch more, and neither does Oak’s behavior make any sense when it’s a stone rather than a cranky and dangerous pokemon. Unlike Pikachu, Oak can’t even give away an unwilling stone because, as you keep saying without it impacting the plot at all, supposedly the stones pick you.

[an Elemental Stone!  ]

[ chosen Elemental powers ]

[ the Professor ]

You capitalize names, not terms. Look up proper nouns vs common nouns.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13475624/1/Child-of-a-Champion-Volume-1 (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476038/1/Acceptance (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“You must not know, then. I’m…Ice-Ghost type.”

“So?”

“So you should run like the others, right? Whenever people see me or learn of my typing they always flee…”]

Nobody’s scared of ice/ghost types in particular, and neither are people afraid of ice types. If the issue is that she’s a ghost, have her just say that – concern yourself with what’s actually happening in your story over making sure everyone knows you’ve memorized factoids correctly.

[“L-Let’s go then…” the Froslass murmured, a blush on her cheeks.

“Wait, what should I call you?” Derrick interrupted.

“I don’t really have a name…I’m open to suggestions, or whatever you’d like to call me.”

“How about…Yvette? It’s a very serene name for a very serene Pokemon,” the human complimented her.

“Yvette…I…like it…Yvette…” the Froslass rolled the name off her tongue a few times. “Yvette it shall be.”]

Jesus christ. Why do the people here have a fetish for nameless girls telling you how thrilled they are to get one from you?

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476234/1/Meeting-Again (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“V-v-veeee…” The Eevee shivered as the temperature in the chamber dropped, the numbing of the fresh surgical incision on her chest her only comfort. In the wild, she would be well on her way to becoming a Glaceon, but the words of the bad people still rang through her head: “Let’s see you try to evolve now!”]

Okay but why? Team Rocket is the mafia, not a torture cult. If there was some demand for pokemon that wouldn’t evolve, there’s already an item to do that, and there very clearly is no such demand given the guy who catches her is excited because female eevee are super valuable but once they’re done with the experiments she’s abandoned as worthless.

If you want an explanation for why the eevee in the games can’t evolve, it’d make more sense for it to be a birth defect or something. Maybe Team Rocket is running an eeveelution puppymill and find that no matter what they do, this one eevee won’t evolve, so they dump her.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476421/1/Why-Messing-with-Legendary-Pok%C3%A9mon-is-a-Bad-Idea (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

This is really hard to follow because most of it is you either summarizing or skipping over events. I get that the point you wanted to get to is Ash dressing down Gou for his decision and generally talking ethics, but without any of the buildup it’s hollow. Show Ash trying to wiggle out of going there without explaining himself, let tension build as they end up going because Ash won’t give a reason, etc.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476433/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Insighter-Platinum (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[In a world of Pokémon, the most lethal weapon would be a sword or dagger. People illegally step the boundaries by using their Pokémon as a far more powerful alternative… and a few hope to find The Insight to achieve the impossible. A single sentence speaks of its power; ]

Your sentences are a mess. You’re missing words, you ended that last sentence on a semicolon for some reason, and I don’t know what you were trying to say about daggers but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t what you actually did say.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You should not be spending ages on kids yelling about nothing at each other. If there’s a point to this, you should be starting there

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476566/1/I-will-show-you-the-true (2)

Try harder.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13476667/1/Alternative-Start-2-New-Life (0)

[So, a month has passed since then, as Kukui became the official father of the Ash.]

If your chapter takes place directly in response to events in a previous story, makes no sense out of context, and spends paragraph after paragraph talking about how that went down, it’s the next chapter of that story and should not be getting posted on its own.

[He is even glad that this boy was able to dilute his life with new colors. ]

Not what “dilute” means.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.