NaRe 2020 Day 16

More trainer stuff today, including what’s supposed to be a badass Ash fic that’s actually just his dad doing everything for him. Also yet another fic where pokemon are humans to an absurd degree and something I think is kpop.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13481885/1/Lost-Found (0)

Write out numbers with letters.

[She traveled throughout the different regions, was interviewed constantly, modeled, starred in commercials, and even taught young trainers and gym leaders alike how to hone their skills. As time went on, however, she faded into the background. Her interviews stopped. No one wanted to meet her anymore. Her friends had vanished. She felt too complete at ten and now that she was eighteen, she felt empty. She had started an adventure, finished it, and won. ]

So, this seems to be going on the idea of championship as a one-hit wonder, but I’m not clear how that works. Winning generally makes you the new champion, so unless she was defeated by someone else that’d have been her next role. Promising trainers also go on to be gym leaders (though admittedly it’s less clear how those jobs are handed out) and traveling to new regions usually involves battling the gym leaders and ultimately champion there. So rather than that she did all anyone could do by ten, she had a lot more things she could’ve done and it seems she just chose not to do anything more. (If she’d done a tour of all the regions, gotten the championships there as well, think I could see that better. Much less clear what else she’d be expected to do then.)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482010/1/Legendary-Shadow (1)

Nonstory chapters are banned, and this is an exceptionally good illustration of why that rule is so needed.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482306/1/Inside-the-Rabbits-Den (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Semicolons should only ever be used when connecting two complete sentences and even then almost never.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[That made me smile too. I helped somebody; a predator of all people.]

So the ongoing issue throughout this fic is that the pokemon element is either irrelevant or actively detracting from whatever’s going on. You’re framing this like it’s a matter of being two very different people, but helping a predatory pokemon means they’ll continuing killing other pokemon like her for supper for the rest of their lives. The claim she’s isolated by living in the forest is similarly made unworkable in a world where every animal is now another person in her community. This story would read perfect smoothly if the two characters were humans, or, since I think there’s a play on letting the big bad wolf inside, a human and say, a werewolf.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482320/1/When-pokemon-became-a-reality (2)

Capitalize your title correctly.

Write out numbers with letters.

[“This is strange, where did this feather even come from?” I thought to myself]

Don’t use the same notation for spoken dialogue and silent thoughts.

You’re missing punctuation at the end of some of your sentences and capitalization at the start of others, as well as numerous typos. You really need to proofread better.

I like the twist of the opening being a story being read to the actual main character, but the problem is that story isn’t very engaging. You spend most of the chapter on two characters hiking and camping and hiking more before actually reaching the actually interesting element of the temple. It’d have been far better to start at the description of the temple.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482396/1/The-Mysterious-Forest (0)

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

And making your character waking up, eating breakfast, and walking out a door the entirety of your first chapter? Outright disastrous as a choice.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482454/1/Journey (1)

…you really, really should think of a less generic title.

Opening your story with a character waking up for the day is generic and horribly, horribly overdone, and to be honest, it’s so incredibly dull and boring a start that even if I hadn’t seen it, very literally here, thousands upon thousands of times before, I would still tell you you should have started at some other, interesting point.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“OH CRAP!” She yelled. Black smoke was billowing from the oven behind the creature. In an instant, she had leapt across the sofa and was frantically searching through the kitchen cupboards. “WHERE DID I LEAVE THE OVEN GLOVES!?” She screeched as she tore apart the shelves. ]

So, on the one hand, hey, at least something’s happening, that’s better than nothing. On the other…this does not seem like it matters or is going anywhere. “Can’t cook” is one of those filler traits. It’s maybe endearing if it’s dropped in after people are already familiar with a character and invested in them. Here, you have a person I don’t know’s mom being bad at cakes. Why is this important? I thought for a moment it might be that this is an issue if Alex leaves on her pokemon journey because no one will be there to stop the house from burning down, only Alex does nothing and one of her mother’s pokemon fixes it instead, so…

And this keeps being true. There’s a lot of events technically happening, but no sign of them going anywhere. There’s a bunch of characterization notes, but those don’t seem to add up in any particular direction either. It’s a day in someone’s not very interesting life.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482489/1/Still-Waters-Run-Deep (0)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[“Irene, you’re one of only a few people to become a Hall of Fame Trainer, and as such you must treat your fans well. They’ve propelled you to stardom and now it’s time to give back,” the Kalos Champion replied smoothly. ]

Trying to make being a trainer have perfect overlap with being a pop star really does not work. If you want this, you have to start off by completely redoing the trainer system to be about moving merchandise and tickets with actual battling ability being a secondary or nonexistent concern.

[“I see you come to us with a very impressive record from Alola, Seulgi? Indeed, your grades are phenomenal, and your Pokémon seem like seasoned veterans at their craft. But I must ask, why choose to transfer here for the remainder of your schooling?”

She took a minute to think of her answer before saying sincerely, “While I love my home region very much, Professor, the Kalos Region seemed like the perfect place to get an education that’s focused on things other than battling or coordinating or breeding. I wanted a balance between my career as a Trainer and my responsibilities as a young adult about to venture into a world that’s not entirely dependent on the number of badges you own.”

Kim Dongwan nodded and flipped to the next page in her registration. “A well-thought out answer, Seulgi, and one that I think perfectly sums up what the Kalos Academy for Gifted Trainers is all about. Rest assured that not everything at this school is Pokémon, though most of it is. Students are required to take normal classes in addition to those in their chosen field of study, along with two electives per semester.]

…she has just shown up for class. I get that you want to add in exposition here, but people do not fly across the world with a student visa and show up at the school just in time for morning class in order to do an interview to maybe get let in. If you wanted this, you could’ve taken a page from the SM games and had a video call first with this kind of thing, then had her show up.

This seems to either be repurposed kpop RPF or else someone so steeped in the tropes their fic is indistinguishable.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482494/1/pokemon-idea

Nonstory chapters are banned.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482625/1/Mourning-Tea (2)

Hm…

I feel like there’s something missing. The idea of pokemon possessing more and more mundane items to make the guy’s life unlivable works, but there’s no apparent reason that they’re swarming him in particular – selling tea sets might be kind of asking for it, but that doesn’t explain why his phone, refrigerator, mirror, piano, etc are all also possessed, and it doesn’t seem like anyone else is dealing with a similar level of pokemon harassment.

I think either you should’ve focused on his shop items becoming unmanageable because having lots of tea sets in one place is a bad idea in Galar or else figured out some explanation for why he’s a haunting magnet more generally.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482885/1/Pok%C3%A9mon-Regions-Unified (1)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

[“Remember that you’ll probably be there by the next tournament.” His mom replied.

“Nah, I don’t think so.” The boy wasn’t really sure he’d actually be a decent trainer.]

Huh, that’s definitely a different angle than the usual one. I think you could stand to develop it further, though – he’s eagerly watching a match right before this, and then you say he’s trying very hard to be not be emotional because [he thought it would be an obstacle for his development as a trainer ] which seems at odds with his casual dismissal of his own ability here. Is he trying to seem unconcerned so his mother won’t know just how anxious he really is? Does he plan to work hard and accomplish things but he’s set his sights lower than actually getting all eight badges, and if so, what’s he aiming for?

“Its” is possessive. “It’s” means “it is”.

[“Well, I’m Joseph, from Celadon, although I was born and spent the most of my life at Sinnoh.” He answered. “My dream is to be the one who finally defeats the champion and become the new one!”]

Okay so, did you forget you just had him thinking he wouldn’t even manage being a decent pokemon trainer?

…and now after you just got done explaining Joseph started unusually late everyone else is his age or older.

I really think you should consider what the point of your story is. Just because a character has to move between one point and another doesn’t mean it needs to be shown. Just because people can have a conversation doesn’t mean they’re saying anything that’s interesting enough to show.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482955/1/Tying-the-knot (0)

Capitalize your title correctly.

Write out numbers with letters.

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

Dialogue is written as “Hello,” she said or “Hello!” she said, never “Hello.” She said or “Hello.” she said or “Hello,” She said or “Hello” she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn’t contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. (“Speak” is not a speech verb.) In that case it’s written as “Hello.” She grinned, never “Hello,” she grinned or “Hello,” She grinned or “Hello.” she grinned. Note that something isn’t a speech verb just because it’s a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you’re breaking up two complete sentences it’s “Hi,” she said. “This is it.” not “Hi,” she said, “this is it.” or “Hi,” she said “this is it.” And if you’re breaking up a sentence in the middle, it’s “Hi. This,” she said, “is it.” The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don’t use quotation marks or any other ones with thoughts.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13482626/1/Kalos-Born-Master-In-Process (7)

You wouldn’t capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn’t capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you’re using it as the pokemon’s name, ie, Ash’s pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it’s a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you’re thinking of capitalizing, like trainer or professor or gym.

[ “Serena, you may choose first,@  ]

Proofread.

Questions should end in question marks.

[“Why does he look different,” Ash asked.

“Well, Ash, your Froakie is a Shiny,” Sycamore exclaimed]

Ugh. It’s a completely cosmetic thing, so if his dad is actually trying to give Ash the best starter ever, why would he go with a sparkly one instead of the one with the best stats/temperament/etc. And if this is something his dad bred, then his poor pokemon must’ve had thousands of eggs just so the higher IV ones could be discarded because you wanted Ash to check an extra sue box.

[“Well son,” Xavier said as he looked at him and the Froakie on his shoulder, “it’s finally time to carve your own legacy, for both of you too.”]

“With the pokemon I decided would be your starter because that was what my starter was, then specially bred for you from my own to really hammer that in, and which I made sure would come with a special move. Yup. You’re sure carving your own legacy here.”

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